Figuring It Out

[sunshine57]

Hello.

I know that this may be personal, but I really need some personal advice.

Although I’m very young and relatively inexperienced, I have always known I wanted more out of my sex life. Actual partners that I’ve tried to talk to about BDSM are usually college boys who are interested purely for the gossip of it, which means I haven’t actually tried a lot. That or they’re interested for the wrong reasons. However, most around me are completely uninterested. I’ve tried to be online through the forum, but the Daddies I talk to either come on too fast, are only interested in being secretive with themselves, or will decide I’m not a good fit (which is fair). I find all instances very hard to connect to.

How did you know this was really what you needed? How do you find the right fit, even when it feels like YOU are the problem? I’m not really picky, I don’t think- I am just looking for a connection, and it’s hard over the internet. It really feels like I’ll be stuck in a vanilla sex life forever because I won’t trust myself with someone that I cannot connect to, and that’s proving to be very, very difficult. How do you transition from online to the real world? Are there other safe websites to meet local people interested in BDSM? How did you figure all of this out?

Thanks for your help in advance,

A not-so-shiny Sunny

 

[TheShez]

I am not sure sunny. I have my own desires that I long for with my beautiful wife. I am not sure if they will ever be realized though i love my wife completely she is not so sure about the desires I have. I am lucky to find someone who loves me the way I love her so I'm content.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

It might help if you confirmed your gender (feels like female, but...) and general location.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Look into attending some munches in your area. They might be on hold right now because of covid-19 but once they start again, they are a great way to meet others interested in BDSM. I found one relatively close to me on fetlife. Fetlife is ok but I have found it good for liking for events or groups that meet in real life. You may not meet your forever person there but often once vetted you'll be invited to play parties or learning events others that attend the munch hosts. There are also some private clubs that hold events. You can find them usually on fet too.

Good luck with all the messages from hngs trying to teach you all the ways after reading your post.

 

[cookiecat]

You are going to get a ton of messages here.

The attention is fun, but be careful. I have been swayed by the lust! It feels really good.

I was lucky enough to meet someone on another bdsm - similar to the Playground here on Lit. We were going back and forth in a goofy thread. We started messaging. I honestly had no idea if he was genuine at the time, I was just horny and he was pushing my buttons.

We messed around online for about 3 months and then decided to meet. I was so fortunate he was a really good dominant. He pushed me to find someone close and - as ultrabluemarine did in the last post - he told me to go find someone in real life.

I used fet life to find local munches. I made women friends in the local community, which was a great bonus.

You mention YOU being the problem. That's not it at all. Even in regular 'ole vanilla dating, it takes a while to find a fit. Add in the D/s part of it and it gets that much harder.

Online can be satisfying if you do find the right person. You are spot on to keep your guard up with guys who are being too fast, too pushy.

I met my husband on a site called collar space. It is a total meat market but there are a few diamonds in the rough. It is a free site. Be really really REALLY careful.

I am not that aware of many other bdsm sites.

You can keep hanging out here. Head up to the Cafe, find a few threads you like to post in - meet a few folks.

Good luck

 

[ToPleaseHim]

It might help if you confirmed your gender (feels like female, but...) and general location.

I’m not sure why this matters...did you think the OP was a personal ad? It doesn’t read like one so responding like a creepy web “Dom” would be in bad form...

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think it’s a very personal thing, so what worked for some of us, may not work for you. That said, I totally understand asking. As far as when and how did I know - I read here a lot and was intrigued by the stories that turned me on. The forum was hopping then, too, and I read all of the threads and paid attention to my reaction to the topics discussed. I was very fortunate to connect with someone who helped me navigate through the continuum of BDSM and he and I are still friends to this day.

It is hard to find someone online, especially when so many on a site like this are just looking to get off. There are a lot of genuine people, too, though, so I would encourage you to keep talking here. You may just find some great friends and it’s possible to find more.

 

[Acktion]

As everyone else has said, it's actually a personal journey. And no two paths are going to be exactly the same.

***shrug*** In my case, I was literally the last person to realize that I was a Dominant. And, worse, one of those Alpha Dominant assholes.

A roughly similar question was recently asked on another BDSM oriented site I hang out on occasion and blog to my fusty old long-winded heart's content. "When did you first know?"

Here's the answer that I decided was too damn long write in the forum and so posted over into my blog so no one uninterested would have to scroll past it all. And, if you haven't ever encountered my long-winded ass before, I'll just warn you that when I think something I've written is too long for a forum post... well, neighbor, that's sayin' a mouthful. So, you probably don't want to click the link provided if an hour-long meandering reminiscence by Grumps in his rockin' chair of "the good old days when we had dirt and were glad of it" isn't your cup of tea.

But, the nutshell version is that it was very different for me. There was no internet. And I just did what I liked that she didn't NOT consent to, or that she liked that I didn't NOT consent to. And didn't have the first idea that we were basically reinventing the BDSM wheel. Primarily since we never labeled anything because we were too busy doing to worry about talking beyond "more of that" or "ow! Fuck! Let's not do that again!" And the only time labels are needed is when you are talking about something.

Go on and laugh if you need to, but I was shocked and no little perturbed the first times someone even hinted I was one of those BDSM leather-wearing freaks who beat each other bloody as foreplay. And when I read Master's "The Control Book" and The Warrens' "Loving Dominant" was thinking, "But, isn't that just being the guy in a relationship?"

Oh, don't misunderstand. I (and mine) would have been much better off if we'd been able to talk about it with someone back in those early days of experimentation. To wit, my first attempt at what (in retrospect) was a rediscovery of the 24/7 M/s dynamic in all the worst and borderline abusive ways. And more often than not I was stupid and lucky more than I was actually any good at what I was discovering I wanted and needed.

But, at the end of the day, I can't say that I've regretted the path I've experienced love and loss, pain and glory on. Not even the times when I sat on the side of it picking gravel out of road rash.

And as my sweet little spice said to me early on in our relationship, "everybody says to ask questions or look it up or whatever. But, I don't even know enough to know what questions I should be asking, or what I should be looking up!"

Which was all to the good since this brought the former college professor out in me and we had class. With notes. And pop quizzes.

And a year later, we are still exploring together, and she is still learning. And we are both loving every minute of it.

But, any way you choose to play, may you have all you need and enough that you want to make yours (and Yours) a very good day.

 

[sweetandeasy]

I’m not really picky, I don’t think- I am just looking for a connection...

...That or they’re interested for the wrong reasons.

I'd just say that if you know some people are interested for the wrong reasons, then you know you're not looking for something simple ("just a connection"), which is a good thing. The more you think about what you want to get out of this (or hell, anything), the better you can articulate it for someone else, either online or in person. That should weed out some (but not all), and attract the people you want to attract...

(Also I don't know anything about anything. But "interested for the wrong reasons" resonates.)

 

[Mike4Fun50]

Hi Sunshine,

I read your message from yesterday and am not sure I can help but I thought I would give it a try. It sounds to me that the trouble you are having is how does one transition from the fantasy of being submissive to actually submitting. How do you find that special person and I have to admit it is not easy. I have found that there are a few clear ingredients needed. You need to be able to communicate with your partner with ease and honesty. You need to have trust. Attraction is important and a clear understanding of expectations.

I have never hooked up with someone I met online and that would require a lot of precautions. You would have to trust them through email and then make sure that they are who they say they are and slowly transition to meeting, I would think. That all said, I have always been the dominant type in bed but my ex-wife was very vanilla. Since my separation I have had an opportunity to let my dom side out. It has been eye opening. I would love to discuss this with you if you like. Maybe in chat or if you feel comfortable you could email me at email removed.
Take care,
Mike (not my real name but I will give that in private)

 

[cookiecat]

Hi Sunshine,

I read your message from yesterday and am not sure I can help but I thought I would give it a try. It sounds to me that the trouble you are having is how does one transition from the fantasy of being submissive to actually submitting. How do you find that special person and I have to admit it is not easy. I have found that there are a few clear ingredients needed. You need to be able to communicate with your partner with ease and honesty. You need to have trust. Attraction is important and a clear understanding of expectations.

I have never hooked up with someone I met online and that would require a lot of precautions. You would have to trust them through email and then make sure that they are who they say they are and slowly transition to meeting, I would think. That all said, I have always been the dominant type in bed but my ex-wife was very vanilla. Since my separation I have had an opportunity to let my dom side out. It has been eye opening. I would love to discuss this with you if you like. Maybe in chat or if you feel comfortable you could email me at

Take care,
Mike (not my real name but I will give that in private)

Fake Mike! Buddy! Don't put your email out here.

That's my helpful hint for today.

 

[Acktion]

Do you know how many “Mikes” I have met on this site??

Hey, as long as it isn't "John," right?

Although, I keep waiting for the cheeky bastard (or bitch) that says, "Call me Ishmael." But, in the nine years I've been creeping around, lurking, it hasn't happened (that I've known of) yet.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hello.

I know that this may be personal, but I really need some personal advice.

Although I’m very young and relatively inexperienced, I have always known I wanted more out of my sex life. Actual partners that I’ve tried to talk to about BDSM are usually college boys who are interested purely for the gossip of it, which means I haven’t actually tried a lot. That or they’re interested for the wrong reasons. However, most around me are completely uninterested. I’ve tried to be online through the forum, but the Daddies I talk to either come on too fast, are only interested in being secretive with themselves, or will decide I’m not a good fit (which is fair). I find all instances very hard to connect to.

How did you know this was really what you needed? How do you find the right fit, even when it feels like YOU are the problem? I’m not really picky, I don’t think- I am just looking for a connection, and it’s hard over the internet. It really feels like I’ll be stuck in a vanilla sex life forever because I won’t trust myself with someone that I cannot connect to, and that’s proving to be very, very difficult. How do you transition from online to the real world? Are there other safe websites to meet local people interested in BDSM? How did you figure all of this out?

Thanks for your help in advance,

A not-so-shiny Sunny

I wrote this in a different thread where connection between submissivness and neediness was discussed.

To me "neediness" is a chance to cry about everyday troubles on the Dom's shoulder. I don't expect him to fix anything, in most cases I don't even need him to come up with
ways for me to fix things, just a friendly shoulder for ANY topic, not only sex/kink related. Listen, be somewhat interested in what's going on, ask for details. Basically, the ideal "how was your day?" dinner time conversation where you actually do talk about how was your day, not just give a fine/good/shitty as a non-answer.

Can I give my submission without all that? In RL yes, but not for long. Online it's a no. If there is no real touch, it has to be compensated by something and emotional closeness seems to be the only available option.

Does this sound to you as sex, sex, and nothing but the sex talk? And yet every Dom I ever talked to on Lit was of this category at least to some degree. Most likely because everybody else did not make it through more than a couple PMs with me.

So keep looking, keep talking here on the boards, make friends. If some of these friends happen to be doms one of them might become your dom. Or not. At a minimum you will gain couple new friends. Not such a bad result in itself.


As for the RL... Yes, there are ways to do it. The safest seems to be through munches. Go on FetLife and/or meet-up, find a local group and look up when and where they meet. I am not sure if this is still going on with covid, but in normal times there are groups that regularly meet in public places just to meet, greet, and talk. It is somewhat safer this way as you at least know that the person you are talking to is not new to the group, there are people around that know him for years, so you are much less likely to get in trouble the first time you get to play with him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wrote this in a different thread where connection between submissivness and neediness was discussed.



Does this sound to you as sex, sex, and nothing but the sex talk? And yet every Dom I ever talked to on Lit was of this category at least to some degree. Most likely because everybody else did not make it through more than a couple PMs with me.

So keep looking, keep talking here on the boards, make friends. If some of these friends happen to be doms one of them might become your dom. Or not. At a minimum you will gain couple new friends. Not such a bad result in itself.


As for the RL... Yes, there are ways to do it. The safest seems to be through munches. Go on FetLife and/or meet-up, find a local group and look up when and where they meet. I am not sure if this is still going on with covid, but in normal times there are groups that regularly meet in public places just to meet, greet, and talk. It is somewhat safer this way as you at least know that the person you are talking to is not new to the group, there are people around that know him for years, so you are much less likely to get in trouble the first time you get to play with him.

This is some really good advice. I know the munch I've gone to in the past is on hold but has invited new people to take part in their discord so they can start getting to know the people that way.

 

[AnnieLit]

This is some really good advice. I know the munch I've gone to in the past is on hold but has invited new people to take part in their discord so they can start getting to know the people that way.

I would probably pass this option for now... With discord it will be much harder to tell who just joined in, who came to the group right before covid shut everything down, and who really was there for years and is a known entity. Given that she is a college kid and by definition will attract a lot of attention, any form of online-but-local interaction seems to be a bit too risky for my taste.

 

[Lady2020]

Know who you are and what you want. Any Tom, Dick, and Harry can claim to be a Dom.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I would probably pass this option for now... With discord it will be much harder to tell who just joined in, who came to the group right before covid shut everything down, and who really was there for years and is a known entity. Given that she is a college kid and by definition will attract a lot of attention, any form of online-but-local interaction seems to be a bit too risky for my taste.

I can definitely understand that. I did feel a bit like fresh meat at the first munch I went to but not really in a bad way. They were very welcoming but it can be overwhelming.

 

[AnnieLit]

Know who you are and what you want. Any Tom, Dick, and Harry can claim to be a Dom.

Good advice to a young person with zero D/s experience. How in the world is she supposed to know that??

Don't know about you, but I am close to 50 and my ideas about both who I am and what I want (at least what I want in sex and relationship) changed at least 4 times in the last 30 years. And most of these changes came from doing, from trying new things, not from reading and thinking. Yes, some people she will meet will be "doms", not Doms, but if she is lucky, she will meet a real Dom that will help her to figure all this out.

 

[AveryElle]

There are lot of resources for classes right now that are free or low cost - toy shops, companies, sex educators and therapists all hosting various classes - Instagram is where I find them - and there are many intro to BDSM and the like that you may find worthwhile. Just follow a lot of sex toy companies (dame, unbound, svalkom, Lovense, le wand, etc) and educators - I also like hashtagopen and talk.tabu.

You may discover more about what you like and various labels which can help you when you’re communicating with a potential top.

Also be clear about your own boundaries. Do you want monogamy? Are you OK never meeting the person you meet online?