Feedback Request: My first story - 'The Dream Girls' Pt. 1: Hot and Bored

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

The Dream Girls Pt. 1 - Hot and Bored

Hey everyone!

My name is Holly, and I am super excited, and really really nervous, to request any and all feedback on my first published story on Lit. It's a story I've been thinking about for years now, and this is one of (so far) a planned 20 parts. As for this scene itself, that will only take 3 parts, and I'm nearly finished with both.

A warning: this story has a ton of disgusting stuff: piss, puke, etc. I realize that's not a lot of readers' cup of tea, but it simply must be in there. I followed an idea down a severe rabbit hole in my very perverted sexual fantasy world, and this is what I found; let me try to sell you, if you'd like.

The idea was: what if, behind the facade of the typical sunny, beautiful, perfect appearance and bubbly personality of an Instagram influencer, there was actually this terrible, absolutely selfish, depraved, hypersexualized empty void of a human being? The next idea was: what if two of this kind of girl are in some kind of seriously fucked up friendship / relationship, and then what happens when they get bored?

I believe in this story. It's brutal, gross, and mean, but that was ultimately my specific vision. I know there's someone else out there this will resonate with, and I also know my votes will be very extreme--I feel like many readers will NOT like this stuff.

I sincerely look forward to any and all criticism, no matter how negative. Tell me what you think. You can read a little about who I am in my Lit profile (for some reason I can't get that info to appear in the forum profile).

Can't wait! Have no mercy on me, please!

-Holly

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Profile Link

Here's my profile in an easy link, just in case anyone wants to know more about me!

 

[yibala2]

This is great writing for your first story here. Your dialogue is exquisite; a real strength! The descriptions are nice, too.

I like that you describe Kim in the first paragraph in a way that makes sense to the story, because she is preparing to film. The fact that they are creating video allows for a voyeuristic perspective to these parts of the story which I think works well. In a certain way, what's seen on the surface is so radically different from what's going on emotionally. I loved that their smiles disappeared when they walked away from the mirror.

"Kimberly Amelia Masterson—kimsssmwah (Kimberly Masterson) on IG, SC and a few other apps—was every bit of 25 years old..."

I also feel you put the exposition in just the right place. You kick off with action and then coast to give the reader a bit of background, which provides context for the action that comes next.

"Wait, what time is it?" Jessa said.

"What?"

"Are you fucking deaf? I asked you what fucking time is it?"

"Do you want me to gape your fucking asshole or, like, tell you what the fuck time it is?"

"Whatever," Jessa said. "You're being a dumb bitch. Just fucking do your job or whatever."


This was awesome. In general, their speech says so much about J and K's identity and emotion (or lack thereof). Your dialogue is more than just dialogue. It feels real, and it is humorous when you want it to be. The very last line of the story is great too, for what it conveys.

As far as the sex, I think the initial sort of mechanical, rushed approach they take is again very indicative of character and works well. That enters into a realm which is... terrifying... with excellent description to match. I think it does what you want, and I would guess there are folks on Lit who will find it erotic. For me, I find it morbidly fascinating, and might keep reading just to see how the characters develop.

I think if I had one concern it would be that. It's hard to tell where the story is going from this part. There is no clearly-identified conflict. I would be hesitant to read further if I thought the story was going to only be J and K doing scary things to themselves and each other without it "going somewhere," if that makes sense.

So you may want to cue the reader more as to what your intentions are, and you may want more of a disclaimer at the beginning of each part, because, as you've said, some readers will really dislike the content. If they know up front what they're getting into, you may avoid a few harsh comments and bad votes, and be kinder to some of your readers.

Hope that is helpful!

Yib


My stories

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Thanks Yib!

Yib,

Thanks for taking all that time to both read my story and write up all of your observations and comments. I did not at all expect much positive feedback, though I am pretty confident that I spent enough time editing it for it to be alright as far as first stories go.

I did obsess over their dialogue, so it's great to hear that you think it sounds real. You really get what I'm doing with the juxtaposition between their public, Instagram selves and their private(ish--just wait for later chapters) monstrous selves--that is exactly what I was going for. I was also going for aspects of their sexuality to be pulled right out of porn, like they are just modeling and performing sex, that is until they get to the more 'terrifying' parts.

I don't know if there really will be much of a story on this site, aside from them just going about their life, having interactions with other people, and doing their psycho thing. Speaking of psycho, I think part of my inspiration here was Bret Easton Ellis' 'American Psycho.' What I love about that novel is how it kind of has this Jaws:Ocean affect on your association with Wall Street men--all of a sudden, they could all be depraved, pathetic serial killers. I'm going for that association, too, but not as sick, with none of his writing ability, and just a ton of gratuitous, disgusting sex. These two are shells of human beings masquerading as perfect, hot, positive, friendly girls--as exactly the kind of cheerful, super fit Influencer you can find all over social media.

So anyway, they will eventually cross into another story I've begun publishing on another site, but that story wouldn't be allowed on Lit per the age guidelines, so I won't link to it or mention it's name. All of my stories take place in what I call 'The Hollyverse', in fictional parts of southern California.

There definitely should be a disclaimer, now that you mention it. I was kind of going for a shock-to-the-system thing to really take it from 1 to 10 out of nowhere in terms of power dynamics and fetish, but you're right--people might not want to go there, and they should maybe know it's coming up.

Anyway, thanks for your time and your thoughts, I really, really appreciate it! I hope you keep reading, but I would understand if it's not pulling the right strings for you. Thanks again!

xxx Holly

 

[SimonDoom]

I posted a short comment already in another thread but I'll elaborate.

You definitely can write. The writing was good enough to carry me through the very disturbing material, which isn't my normal erotica fare.

The subject matter itself is disturbing and extreme. I thought it was almost the erotica equivalent of watching a Saw movie or something like that. From an artistic point of view, that doesn't bother me.

What puzzled me was not being able, quite, to figure out who these two were or what their relationship was. They appear to alternate in terms of who is the aggressor, although Kim eventually takes over.

I wanted to know more about the characters' motivation, who they were. It would have made me more interested in what was going on between them. As it was, it seemed to me that the interaction between them was a bit empty. That may be your point, but I'm not sure how long you can continue to write in a compelling way about two empty unlikeable people. I at least want to know a little bit more of their motivation so I have a sense of the story moving in a direction.

I want to know how they got this way. They are extreme people with an extreme relationship. It makes me wonder how it came into being.

I'm not sure it's a nonconsent story. It seems more like an extreme sado-masochistic relationship, although the permission and consent issue is ambiguous and that might be troubling to some BDSM readers, who can be persnickety about explicit consent.

I think you will find some readers who will really like it because of the extreme elements and because you write so well, but you should brace yourself for negative comments and votes because the subject matter will turn off some people. There's nothing wrong with that, but be prepared.

The last line of the story was absolutely perfect. I loved that. It reframed everything we'd just finished reading.

 

[HappySpouse]

I read this after you posted or commented somewhere else, but I can't remember where or when. Now that you say it is the first of at least 20 parts, it fixes my main issue, which was that it didn't feel like a complete story. Now viewing it as an opening scene to a very long story, it isn't as much an issue that I didn't understand much about the characters or motivations. There is lots of time to get to know them.

Definitely not my cup of tea. Very few things in it were what I consider sexy, but you wrote about in a way that made it clear that, in the story, it was sexy. It kinda seemed like what might happen if two sadomasochistic sociopaths made their living off extreme porn. Just based on what was in this one chapter, it wouldn't surprise me if they were cutting off body parts later on. You certainly threw open the flood gates to wherever you want to go.

Although most stories don't seem to fit neatly into any one category, I agree that the non-consent category might not be quite right. I was kinda waiting for the non-consent, then thought I'd found it, then it seemed to just be part of the kink.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I posted a short comment already in another thread but I'll elaborate.

You definitely can write. The writing was good enough to carry me through the very disturbing material, which isn't my normal erotica fare.

The subject matter itself is disturbing and extreme. I thought it was almost the erotica equivalent of watching a Saw movie or something like that. From an artistic point of view, that doesn't bother me.

What puzzled me was not being able, quite, to figure out who these two were or what their relationship was. They appear to alternate in terms of who is the aggressor, although Kim eventually takes over.

I wanted to know more about the characters' motivation, who they were. It would have made me more interested in what was going on between them. As it was, it seemed to me that the interaction between them was a bit empty. That may be your point, but I'm not sure how long you can continue to write in a compelling way about two empty unlikeable people. I at least want to know a little bit more of their motivation so I have a sense of the story moving in a direction.

I want to know how they got this way. They are extreme people with an extreme relationship. It makes me wonder how it came into being.

I'm not sure it's a nonconsent story. It seems more like an extreme sado-masochistic relationship, although the permission and consent issue is ambiguous and that might be troubling to some BDSM readers, who can be persnickety about explicit consent.

I think you will find some readers who will really like it because of the extreme elements and because you write so well, but you should brace yourself for negative comments and votes because the subject matter will turn off some people. There's nothing wrong with that, but be prepared.

The last line of the story was absolutely perfect. I loved that. It reframed everything we'd just finished reading.

I totally understand everything you're saying, and I agree with all of it. You will eventually know a little more about these characters, but I don't know if there is real motivation anywhere in there--you're correct, they are empty, unlikeable, and their relationship is both complicated and ambiguous. I'm entirely alright with negative feedback and low votes. The whole point is for likeminded people, somewhere out there, to find this and connect with it.

Thanks for all the compliments! I really appreciate you taking time to write out your thoughts even when you basically did not enjoy the piece. That says a lot!

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

I read this after you posted or commented somewhere else, but I can't remember where or when. Now that you say it is the first of at least 20 parts, it fixes my main issue, which was that it didn't feel like a complete story. Now viewing it as an opening scene to a very long story, it isn't as much an issue that I didn't understand much about the characters or motivations. There is lots of time to get to know them.

Definitely not my cup of tea. Very few things in it were what I consider sexy, but you wrote about in a way that made it clear that, in the story, it was sexy. It kinda seemed like what might happen if two sadomasochistic sociopaths made their living off extreme porn. Just based on what was in this one chapter, it wouldn't surprise me if they were cutting off body parts later on. You certainly threw open the flood gates to wherever you want to go.

Although most stories don't seem to fit neatly into any one category, I agree that the non-consent category might not be quite right. I was kinda waiting for the non-consent, then thought I'd found it, then it seemed to just be part of the kink.

I think the one thing I'm really going to take from the comments is that I should switch the category. I guess I should change it to Fetish, because I'm not sure it really fits in the Lesbian category. Can you call characters lesbians when they hardly resemble human beings? I'm thinking of that line from Shawshank.

Thanks for your input!

 

[HappySpouse]

I think the one thing I'm really going to take from the comments is that I should switch the category. I guess I should change it to Fetish, because I'm not sure it really fits in the Lesbian category. Can you call characters lesbians when they hardly resemble human beings? I'm thinking of that line from Shawshank.

Category is a real struggle for me. I'm nearly done with a story that I consider to be lesbian, but also has bits of loving wives, first-time, erotic couplings, exhibitionist, masturbation, group sex, and might be long enough to be considered a novella. I've been told to just pick one and put a disclaimer about the rest.

Personally, when I'm looking for something new on the site, I always search tags. I'm not sure if I've ever just sifted through a category, although I have perused the Hall of Fame lists in them a few times.

P.S. Always love a Stephen King Reference.

 

[SimonDoom]

The whole point is for likeminded people, somewhere out there, to find this and connect with it.

Along with following your own muse and writing the best you can, this is the best attitude to have. All the numbers -- scores, votes, favorites, etc. -- are just markers for trying to do what is important, which is finding the readers that will like your story. They serve no meaningful purpose other than that.