Chlobo’s Stories

[Chlobo]

Hi there, I’m new to the site but I’ve been writing for years. Started off in poetry and fan fiction but ventured more into fiction and want to start writing erotica again to stretch my writing muscles out.

My first story here is The Great Outdoors and features two characters from a novel I wrote, but the story is a standalone.

 

[Chlobo]

Response to feedback

A little more proofreading is in order.

"She had always been a woman with pride. Her black wavy hair touched her shoulders; her floral dress brought her petite figure to life." I'm not sure how having hair to her shoulders and a floral dress denotes pride.

"Yuzuko sighed, watching Sakura hang her head in shame." Why is she hanging her head in shame in this particular situation?

"Laying on their sides, they faced each other. " Objects lay. People "lie" - "Lying on their sides..."

"... reaching for her legs and stimulating the vulva and G-spot." What do legs have to do with vulvas and G-spots? It sounds very clinical if inaccurate.

First question, I’m trying to show that she’s beautiful and take spruce in her looks rather than just telling the reader that she’s beautiful.

Sakura is hanging her head in shame because of her low self esteem.

They are in between the legs.

Thanks for the grammar tip Anon, even though lay sounds more natural.

A nice first effort. It could have been longer. Don't stop. I'd like to see more.

Thank you. I only intended it to be a short story.

 

[Jada59]

I always get mixed up on the lie and lay. A lot of people say "lay" but in this case t should be lie.

Other than that, the writing is good, but it was more of a scene than a story. I like short stories but that seemed too short to be a story.

 

[Chlobo]

I always get mixed up on the lie and lay. A lot of people say "lay" but in this case t should be lie.

Other than that, the writing is good, but it was more of a scene than a story. I like short stories but that seemed too short to be a story.

Thank you.

 

[Ginlover]

Remember to breath in a sex scene, it felt quite rushed at the end.

Some of your descriptions are quite jarring. You're trying to paint a romantic loving scenario but describing the clothes a lump kinda snapped away from the story.

My other tip is think about positions.

Spooning to me is one person curled around the back of the other, big spoon and little spoon, but the next line they were face to face

Vulva and g- spot, if someone has reached between the others legs while lying on their side they dont hit the vulva and g-spot instantly plus I think you mean clit and g-spot. It might take some exploring or reangling of a character to get both.

Sissoring ? You surpassed my knowledge here. In my head I pictured two women, legs apart with each others head by their feet to rub pussies. But the rest of the description says they were face to face. Did you mean stradled xxxx leg pressing her thigh up in to xxxx wetness?

 

[Chlobo]

I had the third image in mind with the scissoring.

 

[Ginlover]

I had the third image in mind with the scissoring.

Yes thats what I picture as sissoring but your description makes it sound like their faces are very close to each other which is why I got confused