My first story. Feedback please!

[JackBellend41]

Hi! I’m Jack. Super longtime lurker to Literotica. My first short story just posted. It’s submitted into the Nude Day contest. What a long two days between hitting ‘submit’ and seeing ‘posted’. Would love to get some feedback.

The Secret Spot by Jack Bellend41

Thanks!

 

[NotWise]

That was a fun little read. I liked the setup and I liked the characters.

The story gives you a nice start into writing, so keep it up. You do a good job of combining dialogue and narration, but in the future you may want to watch out for extraneous description that breaks the flow without adding much -- often extra adverbs or fancy dialogue tags.

There were a few detail that distracted me as I read, but I'll only mention one. She's starts out driving a Jeep with the top off, which means they might be yelling their conversation, but when they stop at the secret spot she's driving a car. She puts things in the trunk and locks the doors.

 

[JackBellend41]

Thanks for the feedback! Both points very valid. I switched to the jeep on a re-edit to set up a continuation I thought might be interesting and missed changing the trunk thing. Much appreciated!

 

[JackBellend41]

Anyone else?

 

[NotWise]

Anyone else?

This forum seems to have gone pretty quiet. I don't know why, but it ain't because of you or your story. These things just happen sometimes.

 

[WoodmanStark]

I feel you, Jack. I've only had one poster to the thread for my first story too.
I like your story. Simple, entertaining, and sexy, with a funny ending.
NotWise already pointed out the vehicle inconsistency, so I'll let that go. There's only a few more mechanical flaws in your writing; I tend to notice those. But I've enjoyed other stories with even more such errors, so it's all good. If I like a story enough, mechanical flaws wont deter me.
I'll watch for more from you, if you'd care to write more.

 

[lovecraft68]

This forum seems to have gone pretty quiet. I don't know why, but it ain't because of you or your story. These things just happen sometimes.

I think some people who used to regularly post feedback have gotten tired of most of the threads getting disrupted by the same argumentative tool. The mod never did anything and here we are.

2nd forum they've turned to dust.

I'm going to try and get to the OP"s story sometime later after I finish up some editing of my own crap.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I think "fun" was the word a couple of people used. That's a pretty good description. I'd add "innocent." It's very summery, too.

I don't include grammar or punctuation errors in my feedback unless it's repetitive or egregious. There were no errors of that time that interfered with my enjoyment of the story. I thought it was well organized and neatly put together.

I thought you did a good job describing the positioning and mechanics in a way that was clear and easy to visualize. I've seen that get away from people when they're describing sex in the water. The temperature contrasts were something that I think immediately reminds people of exactly what that feels like, and it always helps your story when you can include something that makes the reader bring their memories to the mix.

One personal pet peeve of mine, and it may just be me, is the description of an aim and a miss. It's something that realistically happens, but it's not something that adds to enjoyment of the experience. It's mostly an awkward little moment that you just ignore, or a very minor frustration because you're in too big of a hurry to feel awkward about it. Neither is a plus, so I don't understand injecting that feeling into the story. Again, this may just be me. I've seen it often enough now that I wonder if there's some appeal to it that I'm not understanding.

It did leave me wondering how they got past their audience, but it was good to end it where you did. Better to leave me wondering. I can't imagine any explanation that wouldn't detract from the spot where you left the story, so good call on that.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I feel you, Jack. I've only had one poster to the thread for my first story too.
I like your story. Simple, entertaining, and sexy, with a funny ending.
NotWise already pointed out the vehicle inconsistency, so I'll let that go. There's only a few more mechanical flaws in your writing; I tend to notice those. But I've enjoyed other stories with even more such errors, so it's all good. If I like a story enough, mechanical flaws wont deter me.
I'll watch for more from you, if you'd care to write more.

I am hit and miss with what I check out, but I did see your story. I hate it when people leave reviews that say, "I didn't like X, so I stopped reading." Then why write anything at all? That's what happened in this case, so I didn't leave a comment. I ran into something early on that just always makes me cringe, and kept running into it, so I stopped reading.

My critique would be useless to you because my reaction was based purely on personal preference. What stopped me wasn't anything technically wrong that you did and nothing you could improve without changing the feeling of your story. I see that as sort of an "I don't like it" reaction that has no value.

Now I'm wondering if just ignoring it so that you didn't know if anyone read it worse than saying I didn't finish it and leaving nothing constructive?

 

[Emirus]

I also thought it was a nice story about something that could actually have happened and thought you got the length right (as did he, apparently!)

I don’t think there’s much adverse comment taking into account it’s a first story. The main thing to hit me was the dialogue. You tended to use full stops where commas would have been correct. Such as “we have time for that later.” she said. It should have been a comma but you quite rightly didn’t capitalise the ‘she said.” The practice is also to use only one ! rather than two. “When I was in High School,” she said. I’m sure you’ll spot the others as you read through. There is an article about dialogue and Im sure someone will guide you to it.

Some of the things will be typo’s such as “she asked rhetorically, She lifted the bottom of her Weezer concert tee.” I understand the reference to a T-shirt but, not being American and being a little mature, Weezer means nothing to me. I assume it relates to a band? Something like that tends to interrupt the flow for a non-American in the same way as me putting in a specific English reference to a story would have the same effect on an American. Another example, not in this story, is a couple of stories I’ve read recently have referred to someone as a “jock” which means nothing to me. In the UK a “jock” is a slang term for a Scotsman. I wouldn’t use the term because it wouldn’t mean anything, and could be confusing, to an American.

I liked the “Did you get those at Gap for Kids” and his response that his mother had bought them for him. It came across as so natural and funny. I’ve heard comments like it many times.

This comment is getting to be longer than I intended so I’ll let someone else take over. I’m sure you’ll get some more. Lovecraft will give you some good advice.

I enjoyed reading your story. That’s what really matters.

 

[Chlobo]

I think some people who used to regularly post feedback have gotten tired of most of the threads getting disrupted by the same argumentative tool. The mod never did anything and here we are.

2nd forum they've turned to dust.

I'm going to try and get to the OP"s story sometime later after I finish up some editing of my own crap.

Forums as a whole are pretty much dead. At least all the one's I've been on.

I liked this story and I found the ending funny because I didn't see it coming.

 

[JackBellend41]

Thank you for all the feedback! As I said, I’m a longtime lurker and read the feedback on other stories. It is definitely more helpful when it’s yours getting picked on.

I like reading dialogue so I tried to use it as I’d like to see it. I appreciate the comments on improving it. Emirus, I took your advice and read a few “how to write dialog like a pro” articles. I can definitely see room for improvement.

EoN, for me the “aim and miss” was slightly funny and showing sex was still a little new to them, but you mentioning it, I can see how it can break the flow of a good scene and probably won’t ever do that again unless it really serves a purpose. Regarding the audience, in my mind they came down the same trail while the couple was in the throws of passion.

Thanks again, everyone, for taking time to read my story and share your thoughts. I hope my next effort will improve.

 

[NotWise]

EoN, for me the “aim and miss” was slightly funny and showing sex was still a little new to them, but you mentioning it, I can see how it can break the flow of a good scene and probably won’t ever do that again unless it really serves a purpose. Regarding the audience, in my mind they came down the same trail while the couple was in the throws of passion

I had an "aim and miss" sequence in my last story, and I don't see many reasons not to include them. Mine was in a first-time sex story, and yours was with inexperienced lovers. It's probably true that stroke readers may be put off by it because it breaks the straight line to sex, but in both cases it's appropriate to the characters and the story.

If you're writing for the stroke readers then "aim and miss" is probably a bad thing. If you're doing anything else -- writing for yourself, developing characters, or following a less direct plot line -- then do it the way you want.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I had an "aim and miss" sequence in my last story, and I don't see many reasons not to include them. Mine was in a first-time sex story, and yours was with inexperienced lovers. It's probably true that stroke readers may be put off by it because it breaks the straight line to sex, but in both cases it's appropriate to the characters and the story.

If you're writing for the stroke readers then "aim and miss" is probably a bad thing. If you're doing anything else -- writing for yourself, developing characters, or following a less direct plot line -- then do it the way you want.

Ummm... I am definitely not a stroke reader. I prefer long, multipart stories that often go entire chapters without actual sex in them.

I was perfectly clear that it was just a personal preference, but it's a bit presumptuous to write it off as the reaction of a stroke reader, and a bit blind to assume that only stroke readers will have a similar reaction.

It the OP wants to have aim and miss, he should go for it, but the whole purpose of this forum is to learn from the reactions of others. I wouldn't be offering helpful feedback if I ran across something that jarred me and didn't point it out.

 

[ElectricBlue]

All very innocent and young at heart.

Watch your dialogue punctuation, you use periods when you should use commas. It's noticeable, avoidable, and easily fixed.

Keep writing!

 

[NotWise]

Ummm... I am definitely not a stroke reader. I prefer long, multipart stories that often go entire chapters without actual sex in them.

I was perfectly clear that it was just a personal preference, but it's a bit presumptuous to write it off as the reaction of a stroke reader, and a bit blind to assume that only stroke readers will have a similar reaction.

It the OP wants to have aim and miss, he should go for it, but the whole purpose of this forum is to learn from the reactions of others. I wouldn't be offering helpful feedback if I ran across something that jarred me and didn't point it out.

I wasn't actually talking about you, though I'll admit that it sounded like I was. I've seen that opinion expressed in comments on my stories and in comments on stories here by people who do admit to being one-handed readers.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

...Regarding the audience, in my mind they came down the same trail while the couple was in the throws of passion...

Don't worry. That part was clear. I understood that they came along afterwards. I was wondering how the couple got their clothes and left. But my point was that you did well to end the story where you did, instead of trying to show how that happened. Knowing where to end is important.

 

[AlinaX]

I was wondering how the couple got their clothes and left. But my point was that you did well to end the story where you did, instead of trying to show how that happened. Knowing where to end is important.

Except that was what I felt most jarring about the story. Especially this being a Nude Day story, that was where I expected the eroticism to be. The sex in the river I found mostly confusing, especially with images like: "I pulled my cock all the way out, except for the head, and now felt some of the cold river water sliding into the tunnel of her pussy with each thrust." (And, um, "... buried her eyes in the side of my neck.")

So, yes, the next bit can be left to the reader's imagination, but seeing the nameless girlfriend brazen it out might have been a better ending.

 

[lovecraft68]

Gave it a read

I guess I would call it 'standard fare." There was nothing that put me off about it, but its nothing special. I imagine this is what you find a lot of in erotic couplings which is a catch all for any type of story without a specific niche.

What I'll say about it is as I read through I had this feeling that it was kind of immature. Silly, like what's the big deal here, and some of the thoughts and dialogue were along those lines.

But thinking on it a little more after I finished, I realized that worked. These are a couple of college kids. Of course they sound immature, its there age, so yeah, it was kind of fitting

Once I got that, the story gave me a good feeling. Made me think back to a couple of fun, and I think a word could be 'pure' encounters, where there were no worries, no problems, just getting together with your girl and enjoying each other.

The Popsicle line "is that a Popsicle? No, but you can suck it later"...that made me laugh....smooth there romeo

So I ended up seeing it a bit nostalgically and that gave me an appreciation for it.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

Except that was what I felt most jarring about the story. Especially this being a Nude Day story, that was where I expected the eroticism to be. The sex in the river I found mostly confusing, especially with images like: "I pulled my cock all the way out, except for the head, and now felt some of the cold river water sliding into the tunnel of her pussy with each thrust." (And, um, "... buried her eyes in the side of my neck.")

So, yes, the next bit can be left to the reader's imagination, but seeing the nameless girlfriend brazen it out might have been a better ending.

I can see how you might wonder how it's about nudity versus nudity for the purpose of sex. I do feel like it would have changed the innocence of the story, though. I don't feel like those characters were right for V&E. Maybe that means they weren't right for the Nude Day contest, but I look at the story on its own, since I'm not nominating or voting for a contest.

 

[JackBellend41]

Thank you for all the kinds words, comments and criticisms. All are very much appreciated and taken to heart.

Regarding if this is appropriate for Nude Day or V&E, I've always found excitement in the risk getting caught, and this story was born of that thought. Is excitement from being nude in a public place and possibly getting caught less than excitement from flaunting your nudity in front of others? I would say both are forms of exhibitionism.

 

[AlinaX]

Regarding if this is appropriate for Nude Day or V&E, I've always found excitement in the risk getting caught, and this story was born of that thought. Is excitement from being nude in a public place and possibly getting caught less than excitement from flaunting your nudity in front of others? I would say both are forms of exhibitionism.

Yes - and, really, I'm just trying to explain my instinctive reaction - the story goes out its way to find a secluded spot, i.e., to eliminate the risk of getting caught, so instead of being excited by the element of risk I was concentrating on the mechanics of sex in cold water...

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a29832758/underwater-sex-guide/

... and then they do get caught, and at that point the story changes abruptly - and then ends just as abruptly.

 

[AbelBrand]

Read this a couple of days ago and enjoyed it. I haven't got much to add to the conversation (the full-stop thing jumped out at me as well) except the weird Richard Layman vibe I got from the set-up... that's meant as a compliment by the way. However with Layman the three voyeurs would turn out to be mutant psychos with machetes... I think I'm glad you didn't go there though, and you pulled off the jokey ending with aplomb.