Feedback request

[_katia_]

Please be gentle with me lol.

I would be grateful for some feedback on my story:

Miss Used
http://literotica.com/s/miss-used

A latent domme who doesn't fully realise what she is meets her match. I think this one may go on to have several parts to it.

Thank you.

 

[SisterJezabel]

I don't think I know enough about BDSM to comment, but yay for publishing after a bit of a break (!) and it looks like it is scoring well!

I think I need to find a BDSM for Dummies book or How To or something and I might just do that in my upcoming break!

 

[Emirus]

It’s not BDSM

The first thing to say is it’s not BDSM. It should be in Erotic Couplings. The second thing is I enjoyed the straightforward way in which the story was told but there were so many things about it which made me struggle to finish it. If it wasn’t for your specific request I doubt I would have finished it.

Although she does refer to herself as liking to being in control, and at one point wanting to handcuff him, there was nothing to tell us she is a Domme and into BDSM merely she’s a strong willed woman who likes to be the boss where sex is concerned.

I was praying for “The Stranger” to be replaced by “He” as it was absolutely pointless calling him “The Stranger” particularly using capital letters. There is also a weird use of use and misuse of punctuation. Why the need to use brackets? I couldn’t see one example of where this was necessary. You’re writing in the first tense so there’s no need to refer to me as “the reader” or refer to me at all. Apart from the brackets there was the use of hyphens instead of commas, ellipsis (just noticed I’ve spelt it wrong in the my comment at the end of your story) when not necessary, “Hmmm” stuck in as if to fill a space, and others including (yeah, I just capitalised him... Mr T Stranger, Esquire) as if I needed to be told what you’d just done.

You also need consistency. At one point you refer to the bartender as being a sweet guy and then later refer to him as being nasty.

I think that’s enough for now. But please don’t let me put you off writing more because I would definitely like to see how things progress. You get bad reviews, I certainly have, but it’s not put me off continuing to write. Someone pointing out what they consider to be bad, even if I think they’re wrong, is worth more to me than someone telling me they thought the story was brilliant, which I appreciate, but not telling me why.

I liked the storyline, I liked the way you told the story, and if not for the points I’ve mentioned it would have been 5 and not 4.

 

[_katia_]

I don't think I know enough about BDSM to comment, but yay for publishing after a bit of a break (!) and it looks like it is scoring well!

I think I need to find a BDSM for Dummies book or How To or something and I might just do that in my upcoming break!

Thank you, much appreciated.

 

[_katia_]

Emirus, thanks for the detailed feedback, I was eager to get it published so I may have stopped before her latent dominance was really brought to the fore. The clue was in the description

I think it's in the right category as the next part will be much more BDSM, like I said I was keen to get it out there after a long time away.

 

[lovecraft68]

The first thing to say is it’s not BDSM. It should be in Erotic Couplings. The second thing is I enjoyed the straightforward way in which the story was told but there were so many things about it which made me struggle to finish it. If it wasn’t for your specific request I doubt I would have finished it.

Although she does refer to herself as liking to being in control, and at one point wanting to handcuff him, there was nothing to tell us she is a Domme and into BDSM merely she’s a strong willed woman who likes to be the boss where sex is concerned.

I was praying for “The Stranger” to be replaced by “He” as it was absolutely pointless calling him “The Stranger” particularly using capital letters. There is also a weird use of use and misuse of punctuation. Why the need to use brackets? I couldn’t see one example of where this was necessary. You’re writing in the first tense so there’s no need to refer to me as “the reader” or refer to me at all. Apart from the brackets there was the use of hyphens instead of commas, ellipsis (just noticed I’ve spelt it wrong in the my comment at the end of your story) when not necessary, “Hmmm” stuck in as if to fill a space, and others including (yeah, I just capitalised him... Mr T Stranger, Esquire) as if I needed to be told what you’d just done.

You also need consistency. At one point you refer to the bartender as being a sweet guy and then later refer to him as being nasty.

I think that’s enough for now. But please don’t let me put you off writing more because I would definitely like to see how things progress. You get bad reviews, I certainly have, but it’s not put me off continuing to write. Someone pointing out what they consider to be bad, even if I think they’re wrong, is worth more to me than someone telling me they thought the story was brilliant, which I appreciate, but not telling me why.

I liked the storyline, I liked the way you told the story, and if not for the points I’ve mentioned it would have been 5 and not 4.

The caps on stranger worked because she named him that, and said it in the story, he wasn't a stranger, he was The Stranger, there was never name, hence that was his name.

On the wrong category? I disagree. This was what that rapidly sinking category filled with non consent and leering arrogant abusive doms and simpering clueless women needs.

You don't need safe words, or bondage or cuffs or terms for it to be BDSM...this was a power struggle, and a damn good one.

BDSM all day long to me, and refreshingly so.

 

[Emirus]

Emirus, thanks for the detailed feedback, I was eager to get it published so I may have stopped before her latent dominance was really brought to the fore. The clue was in the description

I think it's in the right category as the next part will be much more BDSM, like I said I was keen to get it out there after a long time away.

I can understand perfectly you wanting to get it seen, irrespective of the years in between. I was the same when I first began submitting stories but now I’ve managed to control myself (more or less) and check back regularly as I’m writing as well as going through it 2/3 times before submitting. Not just for the technical side but I also find myself changing sentences or words for what I think are better. As long as myself and the readers think it’s fine that’s okay by me which is why I say don’t let anything I or anyone else say put you off.

You can’t please everyone but one thing you should congratulate yourself for is putting your head above the parapet and asking for criticism. Not many have the courage to do it.

One suggestion I would make, and I think it’s relevant because of this first chapter being short is perhaps if the first and second chapters had been combined it would have been more obvious about the bdsm.

 

[lovecraft68]

First off, congrats on getting back after such a long absence.

Now to the feedback, but with a disclaimer. I have a little bit of a reputation here as being a straight shooter. I use that term, others call me other things. But when I feel strongly about something I don't hold back, I unload.

So I'm going to give it to you straight.

This was goddamn mother fucking, you gotta be kidding me, amazing. Like if this was Lit's got talent, you'd get the golden buzzer.

Know I felt reading this? I felt like back when I used to watch countless low budget schlocky b-rate horror movies and they'd be bad and worse and awful, then you find that one gem that makes you realize this is why you keep trying.

To start...Miss Used...that's clever, like I'm mad I never thought of it, clever.

The first paragraph, perfect. Short, but I had the clear image of that place, I grew up shooting pool and bar fly hunting in those places. I felt the sleaze throughout, the sleaze and that aura of desperation and zombie like people doing the same thing over and over....and loved you worked in the definition of madness line

The do nothings and never wills...seems like a toss away line, but it was a solid hit.

In fact a lot of this story featured clever little one liners with a dry and in some cases self deprecating tone that seemed like they were throw away, but in reality were all well placed.

I laughed at some of them "in case I catch something nastier than Ed" was a good one.

The totally shitty attitude of the MC, the lack of fucks given really worked, and The Stranger...the way you described him, part of me was waiting for this to go erotic horror and he was going to be some kind of devil...the heat, the aura, the air of restrained power...had that vibe, and its a good one, its what someone who knows something about being in control is like, not a trash talking get on your knees idiot, this guy had the apathy, but the desire well handled.

Her conflict in being taken out of her game and brought into his was delicious. That is a true power game, and what the BDSM category needs more of. As a switch I could get both sides of this. She was completely willing(if certain people are reading this, this is what consent is, note it.) but at the same time taken aback, he turned the tables, and she was surprised, but found she was swept up in the game.

Overall very well done, and good timing as we have a yutz currently running around the forums proclaiming their mastery of BDSM but with no idea of what consent. or anything else, is and there's been discussion of how hopeless the category is getting.

So this was a nice restoring of faith that there are people out there who get it.
One more thing...I loved her 80's retro look, I was prowling those places in the mid to late 80's so it completed the image for me. I also like we didn't get a full description of her, you kept it vague. The jeans against her bare flesh was a hot description

Couple of small nitpicks...break some of your paragraphs up, you had a few that were big blocks of text. The mention of the little knock he gave her head against the hood(bonnet) of the car gave me a speedbump...I don't think whacking someone's head into a car, even if its not that hard is a good move unless you want actual non con...and it seemed out of his character.

Last is the couple of times you addressed the reader directly...that takes me out of the story a little....I picture a movie where the actor looks at the camera and makes a joker (Airplane, the "what a pisser" line) but that's personal taste but IMO kind of takes me out of the moment.

Overall I loved her attitude and her thoughts first person really worked here.

My hopes for this...is maybe a good power struggle for who does top who, and if he is the first time, maybe she has a bit of bruised ego and stubborn streak and tops him the next time.

Or maybe you'll see it as her journey to realizing giving in, with the right person, can be a lot of fun.

Good job. I want more.

 

[lovecraft68]

Emirus, thanks for the detailed feedback, I was eager to get it published so I may have stopped before her latent dominance was really brought to the fore. The clue was in the description

I think it's in the right category as the next part will be much more BDSM, like I said I was keen to get it out there after a long time away.

Her latent dominance was all over the place. I saw it in the way she smacked off guys she's previously been with. She had her fun, and now you're yesterday's news, I need new meat. The other place was where she mentioned offering guys "more" if they wanted it.

She was always calling the shots, I think that was more than enough indication of her dominant nature. Again, I think at this point people are so used to labels they can't function without them.

 

[Chlobo]

I liked the build up and the description.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I thought this was a welcome addition to a category that's floundering badly. The category suffers greatly from tropes and unimaginative plotting and flat characters. This was a breath of fresh air. I wouldn't be addressing whether it belongs in the category at all, except that the point has been brought up here.

With all due respect to Emirus (and I do respect Emirus), I think BDSM is the appropriate category. The sexual tension in the story, and the sex itself, was focused on control and the power dynamic. You described your main character as a latent Domme here, but not in your story, so your story never had the burden of trying to cash that check. She comes across in your story as assertive and conscious of power shifts. I felt it was something that could easily be built into a latent dominant tendency in later chapters, but it didn't scream "Domme" at me.

That's kind of what I liked about it. We're watching the character move over the spectrum, figuring things out along the way. I think that it would be hard for me to see her eventually as exclusively dominant, after the way those submissive buttons get pushed. I can easily see her as a switch who is primarily dominant. I don[t think assigning labels is really the point, though. I think the point is watching the consciousness of the power dynamic from your main character's perspective. I liked it that she recognized the shift from her usual experience.

I enjoy a good old fashioned full-depth D/s story, but there are so many ways someone can be tied up, teased, punished, fucked. Too often, the characters and plots get lost among the costumes, whips, chains, paddles, gags, bridles, clamps, plugs, dildos... okay, I'm going to stop. What I mean is that the stories are frequently overwhelmed by the paraphernalia and the etiquette, and the human story is lacking. It's the human part that makes it sexy, and that's what yours had.

The BDSM category on Lit suffers from over-formality and rigidity in my opinion. I think this kind of story is the antidote. I'd like to see a range of stories in the category that cover things as subtle and fluid as this, as well as the stories on the more formal and extreme end of the spectrum. BDSM is an unavoidably cerebral kink. Good BDSM stories need emotional complexity and intensity to make them work. You did that well here. You also made use of first-person narration well. I rarely enjoy something written in first-person, but I think you really made it work for you.

Another thing you did well was the setting. You didn't spend a lot of time describing it, but you gave us the sort of details that allow us to place ourselves there. I had a clear impression of the bar. Unfortunately, I had a clear impression of the bathroom, too. Ugh. Well done, though. The bit with lipstick on the glasses is a nice little acknowledgment for anyone who has bar-tended. You're very good with sensory details, so consider incorporating all the senses a little more. I don't mean go for all five at once. Just try to throw a little of one and a little of another in there where it fits.

Pacing was good through most of it, but it got a little rushed at the end. I agree with the earlier comment that her head knocking on the hood of the car didn't seem right. I think if you wanted to demonstrate that he was amping up his level of physical control, the better way to do it would be to focus on having him hold her firmly in place. I don't mean in a non-consensual way, obviously. There's a big difference between real restraint and a reminder of potential restraint. Speaking of non-consent, since it's been mentioned, I don't think it's an issue here. These are two people acting naturally on their impulses without either being truly in the power of the other. I certainly was under the impression that she could get up and walk away anytime she wanted. She didn't want to, and she explained why. This was different and new and she wanted to see what happened. Plus, sex.

I did feel that the comments directed to the reader detracted. It sort of derailed the presentness of narration and made it a bit self-conscious. I've seen asides to the reader work only rarely, and as best I recall, they were all in past-tense narration. This is a personal preference, and other people may have a different take on it.

The biggest criticism I have is the abrupt ending. Abrupt endings can be dramatic and effective, but this one had an impatient feel to it, like you were just kind of done with it. I don't know about you, but sex scenes are the most frustrating parts to write in my story, so when I finally finish one, I am frequently soooo ready for that chapter to be over. Your chapter end kind of had that feeling for me. I don't have a problem with where it ended so much as how it ended. If you hadn't written "to be continued," I'd have no idea that this wasn't a stand-alone story. You closed the story arc a bit too firmly, I think. Maybe some more of her thoughts after he walked away would have helped.

Now, stop reading our blathering and get back to work so we can read the next one!

 

[ElectricBlue]

I read this on the back of the discussion between Emirus and Lovecraft (both of whom are good eggs but don't tell them), and I've done what for me is a rare thing here on Lit - I've faved the OP as an author. I don't read much content here because I enjoy writing erotica more than I do reading it (because, let's not pretend, much of what you read...) but this little piece is a promise, a tease, it's an uncut gem.

It's visceral, dirty, filthy dirty - the fast orgasm in the toilet, yes! The MC is straightforward, a woman who gets what she wants until... she meets her match. The apparent disdain of the Stranger is brilliant, sucking her into his game, testing her, seeing her for exactly who she is, then taunting her, denying her without saying a thing until he utters the two words. Fuck. It's not often I see a story with such a perfect pivot, everything balanced, waiting for the next breath.

This is one of those stories where I didn't even notice the typos, the punctuation mistakes. Of course they're there, because this thing's a rush, it's raw. And that's why it works. If grammar Nazis are bothered about the punctuation they're not reading the words in between - this is a case where the technical glitches, yes, they're there, but this time I read past them.

What doesn't work for me is breaking the fourth wall. We're already deep in the story because the first person narrative is intense, smoking hot, and then you bust it, dear reader... wtf? All of a sudden we're in Jane Austen does Paris, Texas? Your first person narrative is strong enough by itself, invoking the reader isn't really needed.

That aside (and it's a minor glitch), this is one spicy hot power play happening in a dirty bar; and as LC and Nyx say, you don't need the paraphernalia and the protocols to write BDSM. This one isn't playing dress ups, this one is gritty, tight blue denim jeans without panties.

No pressure, Katia .

 

[Emirus]

I read this on the back of the discussion between Emirus and Lovecraft (both of whom are good eggs but don't tell them), and I've done what for me is a rare thing here on Lit - I've faved the OP as an author... this little piece is a promise.

I favourited Katia as well. As far as I can remember it’s the first time I’ve ever done that after one story. But I do want to find out what comes next.

 

[yukonnights]

Katia, I'm gonna jump on this train with my praise too. I've just read it and I'll just copy here the comment I left on the story;

I came over to read this after seeing lovecraft68 & electricblue's comments in the Story Review thread. I thoroughly enjoyed this. The story itself is captivating, but I'm intrigued by the style you chose to write it. It was, on the one hand, like I was there as the story unfolded — but on another level, it was like reading an old paperback with yellowed and brittle pages — a bit smudged by the many fingers that have turned them. Words like gritty and real come to mind. I'll definitely keep an eye out for the next part.
***

My take on the point made about directly addressing the reader is; The entire story is basically addressed to the reader. It's the "reader" that she's telling — like a trusted friend after the events took place. It's part of what made this so interesting. I personally wasn't bothered by it, I'm actually intrigued by it. Bottom line, I think since you've started the story in this style it makes sense to keep doing it.

 

[yukonnights]

I favourited Katia as well. As far as I can remember it’s the first time I’ve ever done that after one story. But I do want to find out what comes next.

I forgot to mention that I did too. It's the style that really hooked me, but now I also need to see where this goes.

 

[_katia_]

Thank you all for your comments and feedback on my little story, I hadn't expected such a considered and thoughtful response.

It was actually written for an old friend which is why I popped in the 'dear reader' parts. I can see how that would be annoying, so I will stop that forthwith! I will ensure I write for a wider audience.

I am gratified to know that it has caught people's attention and is a little bit different from the norm. Don't get me wrong I like a procedural story as much as the next woman, with lots of close up descriptions of lovely kinky sex. This ended up being quite different to that. The female MC just took the bloody story and ran with it, she's a feisty one and she didn't let me get a word in edgewise lol.

I think it would be interesting to write the story from his point of view at some point, we get to know a lot about her but he remains Mr Mysterioso so far.

The whole knocking her head against the car was probably a mistake, but at the time I wanted to show his frustration with her. She's challenged him in ways he hadn't been challenged for years, but she and the reader don't know that. Holding her firmly in place may have been better, but I wanted a tiny crack in his laconic exterior. She affects him as much as he affects her - I wanted a way of showing that without actually coming out and saying it.

The story was rejected for long paragraphs, I do go on a bit, don't I? Lol.

I did contact a couple of volunteer editors but didn't hear anything back, then grew impatient and just submitted it. I know I'm far from technically perfect and my punctuation is crap. I need help with that. I'd be glad to send the next part out for proofing (once I've finished writing it!).

At the beginning it was intended for an audience of one who doesn't actually know the BDSM side of me. It's sort of a gentle introduction for him. He loved it. It was only after it was finished that I thought of submitting it on Lit.

It was intended to be subtle, I didn't want to frighten him off - we've known each other 30 years and this is the first overt inkling he's had of my true nature. Poor bloke wasn't expecting that!

The Stranger probably does carry a full kit in his car, complete with all the paraphernalia that any Dom/me could want, but to me the use of a fragile cotton thread is sometimes more erotic than handcuffs.

Thank you for reading and for taking the time to respond to me, it really does mean a lot.

 

[Jada59]

Very nice! Loved it!

 

[ElectricBlue]

The whole knocking her head against the car was probably a mistake, but at the time I wanted to show his frustration with her. She's challenged him in ways he hadn't been challenged for years, but she and the reader don't know that. Holding her firmly in place may have been better, but I wanted a tiny crack in his laconic exterior. She affects him as much as he affects her - I wanted a way of showing that without actually coming out and saying it.

I thought that worked, precisely because he did lose his cool. Two alphas gunning for top - for me, that's the challenge, that's where it's interesting. D/s, not so much, for me.

but to me the use of a fragile cotton thread is sometimes more erotic than handcuffs.

Precisely .

 

[lovecraft68]

I thought that worked, precisely because he did lose his cool. Two alphas gunning for top - for me, that's the challenge, that's where it's interesting. D/s, not so much, for me.

Precisely .

I didn't feel he lost his cool, my impression was everything this guy did had a reason, and a little struggle wasn't going to take him out of it. I think it momentarily took him out of that aura of quiet power and dominance and turned him into a jerk.

True control doesn't require bondage, or threats of physical abuse or pain. I felt up until then-and after then-he was exemplifying that.

Like I said, I called it a 'speedbump' took me out of the mood for split second, the same way maybe a missing or wrong word can do it. gave me a Huh? Moment.

It was nothing major, just something to point out and I noticed another poster seen it that way as well.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I thought that worked, precisely because he did lose his cool. Two alphas gunning for top - for me, that's the challenge, that's where it's interesting. D/s, not so much, for me.

Precisely .

I kind of feel like your second point argues against the first. I agree with your second point.

I get where katia was going with finding a way to show that The Stranger was affected, too, because up to that point, the smoothness of his cool exterior had been unbroken. We did need to see that it affected him. There are probably ways to do that without damaging the persona, like an irritated sound in the back of his throat, or even replacing her in position a little roughly.

To me, the knock on the head seemed more utilitarian than it felt like a slip of control. It seemed like a means to accomplish an end, and so was at odds with his persona. He'd played a psychological game up to that point, including the cotton thread.

But, the fact that we are are going back and forth over what is consistent with the character is an illustration of how well the character is realized. When people start thinking they know what a character "would" or "wouldn't" do, it's a good sign.

 

[Emirus]

The Stranger probably does carry a full kit in his car, complete with all the paraphernalia that any Dom/me could want, but to me the use of a fragile cotton thread is sometimes more erotic than handcuffs. .

Personally, I don’t like metal handcuffs (definitely not the rigid ones) because they’re very uncomfortable and can easily be fastened too tightly. Okay for the police but not for bdsm unless he/she really dislikes the victim. I prefer padded cuffs fastened with velcro; silken rope; or best of all, because they are so sensual, silk scarves. Secure but soft.

 

[SimonDoom]

I read all the positive comments on this story and decided I had to read it to see what all the fuss was about.

This is an enjoyable story. The best part about it, for me, is that I felt immediately immersed in the narrator's experience and for the most part stayed there. Your writing does a good job of staying in the narrator's head and describing her experience in an erotic way. You do a good job of holding the reader's interest. I want to know what's going to happen next with these two people.

Like Emirus, I don't really see this as a BDSM story, although maybe it will become one. Yes, there's some tussle over who is in charge, but there's not enough consensual power exchange or true D/s interaction to make it a real BDSM story for me. It's not a big deal for me, since the story can be appreciated on its own terms and I'm not one of those readers that cares about whether a story ticks off the category checklist. But to me it's more of an erotic couplings story than a BDSM story.

I totally agree with EB that it's a mistake to break the fourth wall. You do that in the first paragraph of the story, and late in the story with the "dear reader" comment. I see no reason to do that. The best thing about your story is its immersive quality and breaking the fourth wall undoes that.

Since I am who I am and I can't help myself I'll offer some thoughts on mechanics and grammar:

1. An obvious stylistic habit you have is using comma splices. This is when you combine independent clauses with commas rather than make them separate sentences or join them with semi-colons or conjunctions like "and" or "but". You do this constantly. One of many examples:

There was stranger in the bar, drawing glances and sideways looks, it seemed like people were afraid to spend too long looking at him in case they drew his attention.

The grammatically "correct" way to do this would be to put a period after "looks" or to put "and" after the comma.

You may have decided to write it this way because it gives the narration a feeling of rushing along with the narrator's feelings, and if so, OK. But you should be aware that you do this a lot and it's not considered the usually "correct" way to do it.

2. There are a few places where you switch to present tense where it would be better to stick with past tense.

Example:

Just because I fucked them doesn't mean they have the right to manhandle - or in one case womanhandle - me (unless I wanted them to, of course).

Change "doesn't mean they have" to "didn't mean they had". Keep your narration in the past.

3. You use "sort of" as an unnecessary phrase a few times. I understand it in the sense that people really do talk like this, so it makes the narration seem like that of a real person, but in this case your narrator is someone who experiences things keenly, so "sort of" dulls the effect. Get rid of "sort of."

4. The other thing, besides comma splices, that is most noticeable about your story is that you have no dialogue, or almost no dialogue. The reader stays inside the narrator's head and the narrator's description of the dialogue. Maybe it's a legitimate artistic choice because you WANT the reader to stay inside your narrator's head, but the result is that we are distanced from the Stranger. We do not experience him as a real person because you do not actually tell us what he says in the form of dialogue. The dialogue is filtered through her narration. You don't show him, you tell him. Maybe this is what you want. Most of the time, a story is more interesting when it mixes dialogue and narration. I wouldn't go so far to say it's a mistake, because I think your story works, but be aware of what you are doing, if you haven't thought about this already.

Anyway, those are my two cents. Good job and good luck writing more!

 

[lovecraft68]

Like Emirus, I don't really see this as a BDSM story, although maybe it will become one. Yes, there's some tussle over who is in charge, but there's not enough consensual power exchange or true D/s interaction to make it a real BDSM story for me. It's not a big deal for me, since the story can be appreciated on its own terms and I'm not one of those readers that cares about whether a story ticks off the category checklist. But to me it's more of an erotic couplings story than a BDSM story.

Of all categories I think BDSM has the widest room for interpretation, which is ironic when you see that the one thing its not-non consent-is what the category is more and more littered with.

Because its so wide ranging I think people try all the harder to put it in a box.
This story deals with the physiological aspect of the game and that's fully on display here, especially as you pointed out there isn't really any dialogue, this is her interaction/reaction and her senses being stimulated and of course her conflict.

This is the lead in to a more traditional BDSM encounter-at least its heading that way.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to leave it as this encounter is considered foreplay to a D/S encounter. Its not all physical and it doesn't have to be degrading words or demands and meek "yes sir, yes ma'am"

Good sex is physical, great sex is mental physical and emotional. We talk in other threads about porn via erotica. The average rough bondage demeaning material you find is BDSM porn, this is BDSM erotica.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

...4. The other thing, besides comma splices, that is most noticeable about your story is that you have no dialogue, or almost no dialogue. The reader stays inside the narrator's head and the narrator's description of the dialogue. Maybe it's a legitimate artistic choice because you WANT the reader to stay inside your narrator's head, but the result is that we are distanced from the Stranger. We do not experience him as a real person because you do not actually tell us what he says in the form of dialogue. The dialogue is filtered through her narration. You don't show him, you tell him. Maybe this is what you want. Most of the time, a story is more interesting when it mixes dialogue and narration. I wouldn't go so far to say it's a mistake, because I think your story works, but be aware of what you are doing, if you haven't thought about this already....

I think it would have compromised The Stranger's presentation to have dialog. I got the impression that we aren't supposed to "hear" him speak, except for when he had to, to get her to stay. The OP went so far out of her way to have him communicate without dialog that I think it can only be a choice of which she was very much aware. She would have had to change the interaction just for the sake of adding dialog.

Lack of dialog will always have its detractors. I think there are times when it's effective and appropriate, this being one of them. I think she would have had to lose something about her character in order to add dialog.

One little comment about whether it's a BDSM story: Setting aside disagreement over whether this constitutes the opening installment of a BDSM story (I think you've overlooked some classic tells,) I'd suggest thinking about who the story appeals to. Erotic Couplings is a very vanilla category. I'm not too sure the readership would appreciate a story that is all about shifting power dynamics. BDSM readers, on the other hand, would. And make no mistake, power dynamics are the center of this story. You can enjoy it without seeing that, but it's there.

I believe you often suggest that a series should be kept in a single category. Since this story is clearly going further into the realm of explicit BDSM, it should stay in BDSM. I think it would be a shame for katia to change the category.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think it would have compromised The Stranger's presentation to have dialog. I got the impression that we aren't supposed to "hear" him speak, except for when he had to, to get her to stay. The OP went so far out of her way to have him communicate without dialog that I think it can only be a choice of which she was very much aware. She would have had to change the interaction just for the sake of adding dialog.

Lack of dialog will always have its detractors. I think there are times when it's effective and appropriate, this being one of them. I think she would have had to lose something about her character in order to add dialog.

One little comment about whether it's a BDSM story: Setting aside disagreement over whether this constitutes the opening installment of a BDSM story (I think you've overlooked some classic tells,) I'd suggest thinking about who the story appeals to. Erotic Couplings is a very vanilla category. I'm not too sure the readership would appreciate a story that is all about shifting power dynamics. BDSM readers, on the other hand, would. And make no mistake, power dynamics are the center of this story. You can enjoy it without seeing that, but it's there.

I believe you often suggest that a series should be kept in a single category. Since this story is clearly going further into the realm of explicit BDSM, it should stay in BDSM. I think it would be a shame for katia to change the category.

I think these are both good points, and I want to make it clear to the author that my comments are observations rather than criticisms. I think Lovecraft is right that what constitutes "BDSM" is to a significant degree in the eye of the beholder. It's not really a BDSM story to me, but if it is to the author it's fine. Erotic Couplings is a vanilla category. BDSM is not. I don't recommend that katia should change the category, having made her choice.

I'm torn on the dialogue issue. I made my point to highlight the issue rather than to insist that it should have been done differently. I think writers should be free to make artistic choices that take risks. I'd say this is a risky approach but it does give the story a distinctive flavor that would be absent if dialogue was handled in the normal way.