First story in 10+ years. Would love your opinion.

[Thongluver69]

Greetings all. I successfully published my first story to Literotica in over a decade today. It took me about a month to work on this piece overall (including the editing process.)

I'd love your feedback on the story. It's doing really well rating wise so far (4.72) but the only comment is a bit on the negative side, saying it's too long, even though I said in the opening note it was going to be a pretty long piece. Oh well.

Thoughts?

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-cousin-my-escort

 

[SisterJezabel]

Greetings all. I successfully published my first story to Literotica in over a decade today. It took me about a month to work on this piece overall (including the editing process.)

I'd love your feedback on the story. It's doing really well rating wise so far (4.72) but the only comment is a bit on the negative side, saying it's too long, even though I said in the opening note it was going to be a pretty long piece. Oh well.

Thoughts?

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-cousin-my-escort

The beta site has a word count and at 42k words in a category I tend to avoid I'm sorry but I don't think I could be objective enough. Perhaps I will just offer that a 4.72 score for a first story is not to be sneezed at and indicates you are doing something right for a lot of readers.

 

[8letters]

I'd love your feedback on the story. It's doing really well rating wise so far (4.72) but the only comment is a bit on the negative side, saying it's too long, even though I said in the opening note it was going to be a pretty long piece. Oh well.

Thoughts?

I'm going to start high-level and work down.

The first issue is that your story covers a topic that isn't going to appeal to a lot of readers. Cousin stories aren't as popular as Mon-Son or Brother-Sister. I think most incest readers are looking for stories where the two main characters start unattached and wind up as a couple. Stories where the female character is a sex worker who is unknowingly hired by a family member don't appeal to me, and I don't know how many I/T readers it would appeal to. I'm not saying you were wrong to write what you did. Write what you enjoy writing. Just be aware that your choice of topic will limit the popularity of your story.

The second issue is that the story starts really, really slow. Yeah, I know you want to fully introduce each character. But a page and a half of introduction is a lot. We didn't need to know that Cassie was a late bloomer or that one of her ex-boyfriends offered her money for sex once and she didn't take him up on it. The arrangement Tony made with his wife could have been discussed when he tells Cassie about it. Get to an interesting scene as quickly as possible and intersperse backstory as you tell what's happening.

Your writing is really good. Believable characters, solid dialogue. You knew what you wanted to accomplish with each scene and did so.

Maybe it's just me, but my reaction to the story midway through the first page was "Where is this story going?" I went to the last page and read it. There was nothing there that made me want to read the whole thing. Thirteen pages for essentially a one-time fling.

As for a sequel, I wouldn't. The interesting thing about incest is choosing to cross the line. They've done that. Move on to another story.

 

[Thongluver69]

The beta site has a word count and at 42k words in a category I tend to avoid I'm sorry but I don't think I could be objective enough. Perhaps I will just offer that a 4.72 score for a first story is not to be sneezed at and indicates you are doing something right for a lot of readers.

Thanks for your honesty. I didn't intend on writing that long when I started the piece. I just kind of let it flow and that's where it all ended up. I had initially envisioned it as a four-chapter work but my editor suggested (and I agreed) that combining it into one submission made the most sense.

It's picked up some steam in the I/T category and risen to a 4.84 which I'm super proud of. Though, of course, now I'm shaking my head at my past stories which were done when I was a MUCH shittier writer lol

 

[Thongluver69]

Great feedback

I'm going to start high-level and work down.

The first issue is that your story covers a topic that isn't going to appeal to a lot of readers. Cousin stories aren't as popular as Mon-Son or Brother-Sister. I think most incest readers are looking for stories where the two main characters start unattached and wind up as a couple. Stories where the female character is a sex worker who is unknowingly hired by a family member don't appeal to me, and I don't know how many I/T readers it would appeal to. I'm not saying you were wrong to write what you did. Write what you enjoy writing. Just be aware that your choice of topic will limit the popularity of your story.

The second issue is that the story starts really, really slow. Yeah, I know you want to fully introduce each character. But a page and a half of introduction is a lot. We didn't need to know that Cassie was a late bloomer or that one of her ex-boyfriends offered her money for sex once and she didn't take him up on it. The arrangement Tony made with his wife could have been discussed when he tells Cassie about it. Get to an interesting scene as quickly as possible and intersperse backstory as you tell what's happening.

Your writing is really good. Believable characters, solid dialogue. You knew what you wanted to accomplish with each scene and did so.

Maybe it's just me, but my reaction to the story midway through the first page was "Where is this story going?" I went to the last page and read it. There was nothing there that made me want to read the whole thing. Thirteen pages for essentially a one-time fling.

As for a sequel, I wouldn't. The interesting thing about incest is choosing to cross the line. They've done that. Move on to another story.

Damn this is some good feedback. Thanks so much.

I went cousins instead of B/S or M/S because I had a specific cousin of mine in mind for it when I came up with the fantasy. I'd never cross that line in real life and it was a purely creative exercise but I had fun with it. My issue with I/T writing is while I absolutely LOVE the genre and jerk off regularly to M/S and B/S stories and videos, the idea of writing one is less appealing as I tend to associate it with my real mom and sister too much and that creeps me out.

My next story idea is a M/S one though and I'm still working out the logistics in my head before plotting it out.

The story has done surprisingly better than I expected so far, with almost 20K views and a 4.84 score. I agree the subject matter was a niche taboo (Sex work) inside of a niche taboo (Cousin-Cousin sex) inside of a niche taboo (Incest/Taboo) so I wasn't sure about that either but most of the time when I write erotica, it's strictly to work out a fantasy I've had and "get it out of my system" as it were. lol

Your points about the slowness are good and I kind of wish I had thought about how much of it was necessary when writing. Still, I wanted to approach it from an even playing field for the two main characters so I don't hate that I built both up but I'll definitely keep that in mind for future work.

I think you're right about the sequel. I have some loose ideas for where I would go with it but I've never been a believer in the "family members fuck and live happily ever after as husband and wife" concept. I like the crossing the line part of the genre and think it's hot as hell but I prefer when the characters do it and eventually move on. I find that much more believable than the "We've found love" idea.

Maybe it's just because I could totally see slipping up and fucking someone you're related to in the heat of the moment as realistic but the idea of then becoming a thing forever seems too Hollywood for me.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it a ton.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

First off, I want to say congrats on your story and welcome back after your hiatus! It’s great you’re back because you’re a good writer and write very hot sex scenes and it’s clear that you love writing and are very talented! I’m not at all surprised your story’s scored really high and been well received. Bravo!

Unless your goal is solely to drum up views, I don’t think it’s worth discussing whether the familial pairing you chose is “popular.” Hobbits weren’t a particularly popular thing to write about until someone did. In I/T there’s definitely an audience for cousin stories—for example, one of the best written and most popular stories in the category is Wanting. And your score and feedback is, imho, enough to show there’s an audience for this.

That being said, I think that 8letters is spot-on that the attraction in I/T is usually the personal attraction between relatives, and that attraction is lacking here. It’s the circumstances, and not undeniable sexual tension, that throw Tony and Cassie together. Tony has a long-held sexual desire to fuck an escort, not to fuck his cousin, and Cassie just likes sex, so the sexual tension isn’t based on who these characters are and their relationship.

Without that, and especially because Cassie’s an escort, everything comes off as very transactional—in fact, at one point you even described it as being like a business meeting. When Cassie gives a lap dance, she tells Tony,

"So don't think of me as your cousin. I'm just Alyssa. I'm the girl you hired to do a job and I'm here to do that job”

and the narration continues,

“In an alternate universe somewhere right now, he's fucking a woman he's not related to and getting ready to cum.”

Later, Tony himself says,

“You get paid to have sex with people. I want to pay you to have sex. It's not more complicated than that. Why are you looking at this so funny? It's no different than any other night you're on this job, except maybe that I like you like family and not just as an escort."

To which Cassie reasons that Tony would feel differently if he wasn't thinking with his dick....

I/T stories toe a narrow line between pseudo-romantic and disturbing creepiness; the draw of the taboo is that these characters have such a deep and meaningful attraction to each other that their need to be together shirks everything rational, even morals and society. Without that heady interplay, the gritty and sobering reality of incest becomes a focal point and it’s a bit like turning on the lights in a strip club. I think that you backed yourself into a corner with that; for example, in the repeat dialogue between Tony and Cassie, she’s worried he’ll tell his wife she’s an escort, and he’s worried she’ll tell their family he hired an escort.

When Cassie says she won’t sleep with Tony since they’re cousins, and he offers to pay her more money (and continues to pay more), my internal squick meter went way off. Because this is I/T, this no longer felt like an escort porn story. I was reacting to what read, to me, like a coercive situation. The fact Cassie’s an escort didn’t alleviate that squick; pages later, she still had internal dialogue that she does not want to do these sex acts with her cousin

“Cassie needed to focus on herself if she was going to do this. If she could forget about WHO she was doing this for, she might just able to get through it.”

Pairings aside, I also agree with 8letters and my main criticism is that this story is dwindlingly long. I have nothing against long stories: I, myself, write lengthy, detail oriented, character driven, dialogue heavy I/T stories. 8letters does too. But there’s an old saying that if one guy calls you a horse, he’s crazy but if two do, it’s time to look for a saddle.

I think part of the reason your story drags is that you’ve written in a “funnel,” meaning that you started with a broad overview of detail and then titrated those details down to more granular details that were just a restatement of what you’ve already set up. One of many examples of this was the lap dance to the strip club playlist. I was particularly interested in seeing this unfold, because I remember you mentioning your plans for this scene in the AH forum.

But once Tony and Cassie discussed that she’d give him a lap dance, there was very little else needed except for her to do it: readers know what a lap dance is, and it’s easy to envision and get the point. Instead, you gave four song transitions as if this was happening in real life, and only with a bit of grinding, petting and panting. In real life, yes, this builds up sexual tension, but in a story, it does the opposite and drains momentum. As much as I personally love club music, and props for the Warren and the LilWayne aka Wheezy F. Baby (don’t forget Baby), about 3000 words could have been cut by simply getting to the point: “Can I... Can I touch?”

From a bird’s eye perspective, your story was literally just about a married man having sex—once—with his cousin who is an escort. The title itself even gave away the point of the narrative! There was no additional plot development, no intrigue, no mysteries, no subplots and no scenarios where the reader needed lots of details and backstory. As a reader, I felt simply awash a deluge of padded details, as if I were driving down an endless road and trying to fight against hydroplaning. And even once the sex scene began, there were still constant breaks to add additional details that didn’t go anywhere! One glaring example was once Cassie actually started giving Tony a blowjob; not only were the mechanics of the blowjob granular but you halted the action to tell us that she’s left handed, and then that she’d learned a certain move as a teenager by watching a sex documentary on HBO!

All that being said, luckily the payoff was very good: your narrative pace in Tony and Cassie’s sex scene was just as detailed as the ten pages of build up it took to finally get there. The sex scene was where your skills for erotic writing came across; you understand how to pace sex realistically without making it clunky or mechanical, and how to write scorchingly hot, dirty dialogue. You shine in the sex scene—and on an erotic fiction website, there’s zero reason to have fluffed up your erotic writing with so many useless details on the front end! You can do what most writers on the site WISH they could do: write amazing sex scenes! Don’t hide your strengths, cut the boring first 20000-plus words and get right to the fucking!!

I hope these observations are helpful. I noticed that you mentioned, in your author’s note and in the AH, that this fantasy is not only very personal but also one you’ve wanted to write a long time. The potential pitfall with that kind of personal drive behind a story is that it can be hard to read critically and to separate the wheat and chaff; I think that “My Cousin, My Escort” is illustrative of that difficulty. You’re a good writer, and, ultimately, it’s your good writing that saved this wending story from fizzling completely.

Again, congrats on your successful return! I look forward to reading more stories by you.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Thanks for your honesty. I didn't intend on writing that long when I started the piece. I just kind of let it flow and that's where it all ended up. I had initially envisioned it as a four-chapter work but my editor suggested (and I agreed) that combining it into one submission made the most sense.

It's picked up some steam in the I/T category and risen to a 4.84 which I'm super proud of. Though, of course, now I'm shaking my head at my past stories which were done when I was a MUCH shittier writer lol

And—congrats that the score is still rising! That’s awesome!

 

[Thongluver69]

First off, I want to say congrats on your story and welcome back after your hiatus! It’s great you’re back because you’re a good writer and write very hot sex scenes and it’s clear that you love writing and are very talented! I’m not at all surprised your story’s scored really high and been well received. Bravo!

Thanks for the kind words. I read your full reply and there are a lot of great points there. Not going to lie though. I kind of chuckled when you said the sex scenes were your favorite part of the story. I thought those were the weakest parts to be honest.

There's only so many ways you can write out a sex scene and I felt I was being most repetitive there. After all, how many times can you say "Penis went in, penis came out." But that's what I love about stories like this. So many people interpret things so many ways so I'm glad you liked the sex scenes in particular.

That being said, I think that 8letters is spot-on that the attraction in I/T is usually the personal attraction between relatives, and that attraction is lacking here. It’s the circumstances, and not undeniable sexual tension, that throw Tony and Cassie together. Tony has a long-held sexual desire to fuck an escort, not to fuck his cousin, and Cassie just likes sex, so the sexual tension isn’t based on who these characters are and their relationship.

You know, this is a really interesting point of view I hadn't even considered. I was so focused on the escort side of the fantasy (because that's what my personal kink is) that I didn't even think about how taboo their relationship really was. I guess it's because I was thinking of a particular cousin who I'm not particularly close with so it didn't cross my mind.

There was also a part of me that thought "If these cousins really were THAT close where the sex would be a huge issue, wouldn't she have confided in him that she was an escort?"

That's a really helpful bit of feedback that I'll remember for my next I/T story. Like I said above, I love incest stories for how "wrong" it all feels but when they veer too close to the creepy "found love in my family" territory I tend to lose interest.

When Cassie says she won’t sleep with Tony since they’re cousins, and he offers to pay her more money (and continues to pay more), my internal squick meter went way off. Because this is I/T, this no longer felt like an escort porn story. I was reacting to what read, to me, like a coercive situation. The fact Cassie’s an escort didn’t alleviate that squick; pages later, she still had internal dialogue that she does not want to do these sex acts with her cousin

I think this is part of the reason I felt I had to include the dialogue and why the story dragged on a bit (I had originally intended on this being MUCH shorter.) I didn't want to make it seem illogical that she reached that conclusion. I wanted it to seem like she made a conscience choice where she *wasn't* forced into the move. Good to see it from your point of view though.

if one guy calls you a horse, he’s crazy but if two do, it’s time to look for a saddle.

I don't know why this made me chuckle so much but it did. Regarding your criticism of the lap dance scene, I wrote that based on my real-life experience in strip clubs but I can totally see how it might have been a little bit long. Probably a case of me over-indulging in my own fantasy

The sex scene was where your skills for erotic writing came across; you understand how to pace sex realistically without making it clunky or mechanical, and how to write scorchingly hot, dirty dialogue.

I'm glad you felt that way. I like writing dialogue the most. if my two most-recent stories before this one ("A Little Friendly Advice") I feel like the dialogue was most well-received and the sex scenes and set up around it were meh at best.

I'd probably be better served trying to write scripts or something that are more dialogue-based but, hey, sometimes I want to write about a guy face fucking a relative. lol

Again, congrats on your successful return! I look forward to reading more stories by you.

Thanks for the kind words. I write by trade in real life so it's sometimes hard to get inspired to do it for fun but this was a great exercise for me creatively. (It doesn't hurt that playing the fantasy out in written word proved to be erotic in its own regard.)

I've got a couple ideas in mind for where to go next but we'll see how it plays out. Thanks for reading. Your feedback was super helpful.

 

[8letters]

When Cassie says she won’t sleep with Tony since they’re cousins, and he offers to pay her more money (and continues to pay more)

I didn't read this far, but this reminded me of a point I almost wrote. If you want your story to seem plausible, get the financial aspects right. Tony sounds like possibly an hourly worker, certainly not a high earner. Probably lower middle class. But Tony doesn't seem worried about money at all. It's like $1200 is walking-around money for him. And he apparently spends more and more without a worry. That hurts the plausibility of the story. And for no real reason as you could have easily given Tony a job that paid so well that blowing a couple grand for one memorable evening would seem plausible.

I think part of the reason your story drags is that you’ve written in a “funnel,” meaning that you started with a broad overview of detail and then titrated those details down to more granular details that were just a restatement of what you’ve already set up.

What made the story drag the most for me is that Tony tells Cassie so much of the back story that was covered earlier. For example, that his wife had given him permission and that sex with an escort was his favorite fantasy. That information would have had more punch if it was first shared when Tony and Cassie are talking. To me, you should only say things once. If you have to repeat something, just say, "I told her about..."

 

[Thongluver69]

I didn't read this far, but this reminded me of a point I almost wrote. If you want your story to seem plausible, get the financial aspects right. Tony sounds like possibly an hourly worker, certainly not a high earner. Probably lower middle class. But Tony doesn't seem worried about money at all. It's like $1200 is walking-around money for him. And he apparently spends more and more without a worry. That hurts the plausibility of the story. And for no real reason as you could have easily given Tony a job that paid so well that blowing a couple grand for one memorable evening would seem plausible.

Interesting point I hadn't considered honestly. I guess I was projecting too much of myself there. I've had an escort fantasy for a decade so I know if I was really going to go through with it and I was in that situation, chances are my horniness would have over-ridden my economic sense.

I kind of figured the initial $1,200 was irrelevant since he'd already spent it getting her there so what was another $1,200 ya know?

I'll definitely try to flesh out my characters' background more next time so that's clearer.

What made the story drag the most for me is that Tony tells Cassie so much of the back story that was covered earlier. For example, that his wife had given him permission and that sex with an escort was his favorite fantasy. That information would have had more punch if it was first shared when Tony and Cassie are talking. To me, you should only say things once. If you have to repeat something, just say, "I told her about..."

You know, I hadn't thought about that perspective. I guess my thinking was if I introduced it in the lead-up to their encounter, it would seem more genuine and not like a lie he made up.

Looking back on it, maybe I should have explored the idea that he was cheating on his wife by hiring an escort. Hmm. Interesting.

Might have made it seem more real and increased the stakes for both.

 

[8letters]

I'll definitely try to flesh out my characters' background more next time so that's clearer.

It's not about fleshing out a character. It's making a characters actions and attitude correspond with their financial position. In my stories, money is always there, always shaping decisions and attitudes.

When Cassie walks out, to me Tony's first thoughts should have been he blew all this money for nothing and the need to get his $1200 back from Cassie. When Cassie came back, I think you could have written some really great dialogue about how Tony spent money that he didn't really have to make the evening as wonderful for his escort as it was going to be for him. And then the decision to go forward with the evening would be Cassie saying, "Let's not waste all this money that you spent."

Looking back on it, maybe I should have explored the idea that he was cheating on his wife by hiring an escort. Hmm. Interesting.

Might have made it seem more real and increased the stakes for both.

I would not have had Tony cheat on his wife by hiring an escort. What makes your story successful is that Tony and Cassie are likeable characters. Tony cheating on his wife would make him unlikable.

I'd say really think hard about your set up and try to make it as plausible as possible and have it make your characters as likeable as possible. You were mostly successful with that. I had trouble believing the "my wife gave me permission to hire an escort" thing. I just can't see Tony telling his wife, "I love you, honey. You're the perfect woman for me. Marrying you was the best decision I've ever made. And oh by the way, I want blow a bunch of dough to have sex with an escort as I've fantasized about doing that constantly the last ten years. And sex with you has gotten really boring." To me, he'd severely damaged his marriage by doing that. And if Tony gets to blow a lot of money to have sex with someone else, does his wife get to blow a lot of money to have sex with someone else too?

If I had asked me how to set up this story, I would have suggested that Tony is a successful business person. One day, he's talking to his wife about spicing up their sex life. Tony wants to try anal sex. Tony wants to have sex on the couch. Tony wants his wife to wear sexy lingerie on a night they're going to have sex. Tony's wife doesn't want to do any of that. She enjoys their sex life just the way it is and after two kids, she doesn't have the body to wear sexy lingerie. The wife is really worried that Tony will find some young thing who's willing and eager to do all that, and Tony will dump her for the young thing. So the wife proposes that Tony hire an escort for one evening so Tony can do all the wild things he's wanting to do, without damaging their marriage. Tony at first is, "I don't want to have sex with anyone but you," but eventually his wife talks him into it. It turns out that it wasn't that hard to do as having sex with an escort has been one of Tony's secret fantasies.

 

[Emirus]

This won’t take ling

I don’t read incest stories. I don’t write incest stories. I did make one effort but couldn’t get past two thousand words so I gave up. The usual length of story I read is three/four pages. Six is really pushing it. But thirteen? But you did ask for feedback and the title interested me.

Anyway, after thinking about it for two days I decided nothing ventured - nothing gained and, after all, you had asked. You hadn’t had a big response although what you have got had been very detailed.

I did, on the whole, enjoy it.

However, I think an escort in London (I appreciate it’s set in America) would be over the moon to be able to charge $1200/£1000 for a one hour outcall. Really high priced ones are no more than £600/700 and I doubt they are worth the money compared with escorts charging £200/300. High priced escorts won’t turn up to Holiday Inn Express, which is the impression you gave of the hotel.

You also gave the impression he was an ordinary guy, with perhaps a well paid job, but with nowhere near earning the type of income to throw around $2400 for two hours sex. No matter how skilled the escort.

I enjoyed it up to two thirds of the way through although it really needed to get to the nitty gritty a couple of pages sooner. That’s when the story ended and we got a three/four pages of sex, followed by more sex. Very detailed and well written sex, and a feast for those who like to relieve themselves, but boring for someone wanting to read a story. The reader knows where it’s going to end up but it needed to get there sooner. Much sooner.

Although I do think the story is well written I think it’s current high rating is not due to how well it may be written but for the votes of those who got off when reading it.

I liked the premise of the story. His wife giving him permission. Neither of them knowing it was going to be their cousin. Her initial reaction that it wasn’t going to happen because of them being cousins. Him not sharing her concerns just wanting to get inside her pants. Typical man, he says! Eventually them getting it on and enjoying it. But there was an awful lot of padding as if you were deliberately wanting to make the story as long as possible. I finished the story because I thought “I’ve got this far so I may as well finish it” but I skimmed the last few pages.

Please don’t write a sequel. The story had got to where it’s going. Whether they take it any further or not doesn’t matter.

 

[Thongluver69]

When Cassie walks out, to me Tony's first thoughts should have been he blew all this money for nothing and the need to get his $1200 back from Cassie. When Cassie came back, I think you could have written some really great dialogue about how Tony spent money that he didn't really have to make the evening as wonderful for his escort as it was going to be for him. And then the decision to go forward with the evening would be Cassie saying, "Let's not waste all this money that you spent."

Definitely a hot scenario and would have been a good route for me to take it. If I ever explore the idea of an incest/escort angle again (As I said, it's a slight fetish for me), that might be the route I go as it's definitely different and intriguing.

I had trouble believing the "my wife gave me permission to hire an escort" thing. I just can't see Tony telling his wife, "I love you, honey. You're the perfect woman for me. Marrying you was the best decision I've ever made. And oh by the way, I want blow a bunch of dough to have sex with an escort as I've fantasized about doing that constantly the last ten years. And sex with you has gotten really boring." To me, he'd severely damaged his marriage by doing that. And if Tony gets to blow a lot of money to have sex with someone else, does his wife get to blow a lot of money to have sex with someone else too?

That's a great point. I think when I envisioned it, I pictured the wife as kind of bored with sex (Maybe asexual?) and so she would view the escort thing as him basically jerking off but in a different way.

The wife is really worried that Tony will find some young thing who's willing and eager to do all that, and Tony will dump her for the young thing. So the wife proposes that Tony hire an escort for one evening so Tony can do all the wild things he's wanting to do, without damaging their marriage. Tony at first is, "I don't want to have sex with anyone but you," but eventually his wife talks him into it. It turns out that it wasn't that hard to do as having sex with an escort has been one of Tony's secret fantasies.

That would be a bit more believable given your concerns but I'm not sure it would have really worked with my particular fantasy for this piece as the appeal is Tony wanting and yearning for the experience but I appreciate the feedback. Thanks!

 

[Thongluver69]

I don’t read incest stories. I don’t write incest stories. I did make one effort but couldn’t get past two thousand words so I gave up. The usual length of story I read is three/four pages. Six is really pushing it. But thirteen? But you did ask for feedback and the title interested me.

I had initially envisioned this piece as a four-chapter narrative that built slowly and kept the reader wanting more but after my editor suggested making it one long story, I felt that was a better approach. Those who cared about the characters and the situation would keep going. The rest would close it out.

I'm not against longform writing (clearly) but I can see how it could turn some folks off. My only real regret was not tightening those first 10K words. I probably could have said what I needed to say and gotten to the point sooner.

However, I think an escort in London (I appreciate it’s set in America) would be over the moon to be able to charge $1200/£1000 for a one hour outcall. Really high priced ones are no more than £600/700 and I doubt they are worth the money compared with escorts charging £200/300. High priced escorts won’t turn up to Holiday Inn Express, which is the impression you gave of the hotel.

You also gave the impression he was an ordinary guy, with perhaps a well paid job, but with nowhere near earning the type of income to throw around $2400 for two hours sex. No matter how skilled the escort.

This was partially an oversight on my part I think. I did some research on escorts in a couple of major cities and tried to find girls I thought would fit the mold for what I saw in the character. Looking back on it, $600-$700 might have been more reasonable and that would've solved the money problem.

I enjoyed it up to two thirds of the way through although it really needed to get to the nitty gritty a couple of pages sooner. That’s when the story ended and we got a three/four pages of sex, followed by more sex. Very detailed and well written sex, and a feast for those who like to relieve themselves, but boring for someone wanting to read a story. The reader knows where it’s going to end up but it needed to get there sooner. Much sooner.

I think this is the most interesting piece of feedback I've received. Some point say the strength of the piece is the sex. Others say it's repetitive. It's hard for me to gauge. I just tried to describe what I envisioned sex with this girl would be like and my biggest concern was making it feel "real," which is what my favorite stories on this site do.

I always hate when I'm reading a great and compelling story and then it gets to the sex part and just goes "And then she sucked his dick. Then he said 'I like it.' Then he came."

I like to write what I would want to read but I can see how it might have been a bit much.

there was an awful lot of padding as if you were deliberately wanting to make the story as long as possible. I finished the story because I thought “I’ve got this far so I may as well finish it” but I skimmed the last few pages.

Please don’t write a sequel. The story had got to where it’s going. Whether they take it any further or not doesn’t matter.

Honestly, I just wrote what felt right. I barely looked at my word count other than to gauge how evely-balanced the four chapters were. Definitely something to keep in mind for future stories. Everything I've seen on this site is sharply divided by those who say "If you're going to write long, never write more than three pages and if it's longer than that, make it chapters" vs. "Write as long as possible and don't care about it, the scores are higher."

I'm genuinely surprised by the high rating on it. It currently has a 4.85 based on over 330 votes. That's far and away better than any other story I've written (Though, to be fair, the other three were trash.) I'd probably continue to write longform because it's just my style but I'll definitely be more cognizant of the readers who don't want to wade through such a long piece.

As for a sequel, I'm not currently interested in writing one. That's not to say I won't but I don't have much inspiration at the moment for going further with the characters. Aside from adding anal into the mix (Which I have no interest in regardless of how popular anal might be) I can't see what other sex they could have that would be different/as hot as their first encounter.

I could possibly explore the incest angle a bit more but that doesn't really interest me. So I'm not saying I WON'T do a sequel but it's pretty unlikely. We'll see.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I appreciate it.

 

[8letters]

That would be a bit more believable given your concerns but I'm not sure it would have really worked with my particular fantasy for this piece as the appeal is Tony wanting and yearning for the experience but I appreciate the feedback. Thanks!

This is a great response. As I am writer providing feedback, it's really easy for me to say, "This is how I would have written the story." But I'm not writing the story. I wouldn't have written this story as I don't have the same fantasy that you do. Write what you enjoy, and please keep writing.

 

[AnnieLit]

She enjoys their sex life just the way it is and after two kids, she doesn't have the body to wear sexy lingerie.

Did this part had to be there? Yes, it is a popular thinking. Do we have to make it even more popular? Put something like that on the first page and I will stop reading right there. And my rating of the story is not going to please you at all.

 

[WW2Mike]

Did this part had to be there? Yes, it is a popular thinking. Do we have to make it even more popular? Put something like that on the first page and I will stop reading right there. And my rating of the story is not going to please you at all.

Sounds like a notorious thing to make it even more popular than it already is.