Sexless Marriages

[IASFPWTF]

Still none, another day I check off the calendar! Oh well I’m gettin good at jerking off again like when I was a teenager! LOL!

I am better at jerking off now. I have had a lot of practice.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I think it started when I hit the 10year of marriage with my wife, i was In my Early 40s. You start thinking, is this how the rest of our life together is going to be?

Maybe the routine sets in? It’s not a bad thing. I mean no really bad things, the kids are young, both of you are busy providing, too busy to think.

Slowly, quotidian mundaneness continues until you hit your early 50s. Your kids are in their late teens, they don’t really need you for distraction they have their friends.

Then you have more time to think and talk to your partner.
But talk about what?
How lonely you are?
How misunderstood you feel?
It’s really not all that bad.

It’s just that, you really start thinking, wow, in 10years I’ll be 60, and then what?

Big questions! Often avoided because of social norms or afraid of being judged for how you feel?

Sure occasional sex or the required quota to stave off bigger arguments.

But what if you want just a little more life?

I am in my 30s and feel this to my core. We have had a few nights together recently where we were alone, which rarely happens, and we have nothing to talk about. It makes me very sad. I keep telling myself it's just a phase of life, and things will be better when the kids get older, but I think I tell myself that to make myself feel better more than anything.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I am in my 30s and feel this to my core. We have had a few nights together recently where we were alone, which rarely happens, and we have nothing to talk about. It makes me very sad. I keep telling myself it's just a phase of life, and things will be better when the kids get older, but I think I tell myself that to make myself feel better more than anything.

It makes us all sad, particularly after opening your profile and seeing your pic! (sorry, I couldn't resist!).

Fortunately, my situation is different, though the end product is the same - no sex. Personally, I can't imagine staying in a relationship where there is such an emptiness and lack of connection on all levels. I do hope you are able to find your fulfillment, escape, pleasures in other ways than in your marriage (and I don't mean sexual - but just personal, mental, creative, social, whatever) - friends, creative arts, personal explorations wherever your interests take you. Do you have your own personal space and/or time? those are extremely important to carve out...

 

[Butterflygurl1]

I am in my 30s and feel this to my core. We have had a few nights together recently where we were alone, which rarely happens, and we have nothing to talk about. It makes me very sad. I keep telling myself it's just a phase of life, and things will be better when the kids get older, but I think I tell myself that to make myself feel better more than anything.

I’m sorry to say, things tend not to get better. I was a bit older than you when I started to come to the revelation that if there wasn’t a lot there now, there would be even less for later. Sometimes I’m content with it for awhile, but eventually the desire for more returns.

 

[sally_sparrow]

It makes us all sad, particularly after opening your profile and seeing your pic! (sorry, I couldn't resist!).

Fortunately, my situation is different, though the end product is the same - no sex. Personally, I can't imagine staying in a relationship where there is such an emptiness and lack of connection on all levels. I do hope you are able to find your fulfillment, escape, pleasures in other ways than in your marriage (and I don't mean sexual - but just personal, mental, creative, social, whatever) - friends, creative arts, personal explorations wherever your interests take you. Do you have your own personal space and/or time? those are extremely important to carve out...

I do get my own time here and there- not as much these days, but I make it a priority... Otherwise I would probably go mad!

I’m sorry to say, things tend not to get better. I was a bit older than you when I started to come to the revelation that if there wasn’t a lot there now, there would be even less for later. Sometimes I’m content with it for awhile, but eventually the desire for more returns.

I'm the same way. Sometimes I'm fine, but most.of the time I'm not. It's a cycle.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I'm the same way. Sometimes I'm fine, but most.of the time I'm not. It's a cycle.

I don't know you or your situation, ultimately only you can decide what you need to do - but please don't let the good and ok times fool you into thinking it is sustainable. It will eat into you more and more, potentially making you increasingly frustrated which changes you, your behaviors, your relationships with others, and certainly the family dynamic.

Am I correct to assume you have children which is what binds you to your marriage??? Again, everyone has very different experiences, realities, and aspirations, but children are not necessarily better off by their parents staying together in a toxic or even blaze marriage. This discussion took place a little time back on this thread, but children deserve to see their parents happy too and in functional, sustainable, healthy, loving relationships...

 

[sally_sparrow]

I don't know you or your situation, ultimately only you can decide what you need to do - but please don't let the good and ok times fool you into thinking it is sustainable. It will eat into you more and more, potentially making you increasingly frustrated which changes you, your behaviors, your relationships with others, and certainly the family dynamic.

Am I correct to assume you have children which is what binds you to your marriage??? Again, everyone has very different experiences, realities, and aspirations, but children are not necessarily better off by their parents staying together in a toxic or even blaze marriage. This discussion took place a little time back on this thread, but children deserve to see their parents happy too and in functional, sustainable, healthy, loving relationships...

Yes I have kids. No, they are not the only reason we stay together... like you said, we all have different experiences. I do not believe in staying together for the kids. If that were the only thing keeping us together, we would have ended it already.

 

[321jsjs123]

Yes I have kids. No, they are not the only reason we stay together... like you said, we all have different experiences. I do not believe in staying together for the kids. If that were the only thing keeping us together, we would have ended it already.

You really have to be in the unique situation to get it. It might not be right for everyone, but it may be for the person in it.

 

[KimGordon67]

I don't know you or your situation, ultimately only you can decide what you need to do - but please don't let the good and ok times fool you into thinking it is sustainable. It will eat into you more and more, potentially making you increasingly frustrated which changes you, your behaviors, your relationships with others, and certainly the family dynamic.

Am I correct to assume you have children which is what binds you to your marriage??? Again, everyone has very different experiences, realities, and aspirations, but children are not necessarily better off by their parents staying together in a toxic or even blaze marriage. This discussion took place a little time back on this thread, but children deserve to see their parents happy too and in functional, sustainable, healthy, loving relationships...

I couldn't agree with that second paragraph more. I'm the child of parents who divorced when I was 10, and we were incredibly relieved.
I'm now a separated parent of a child who was 12 when we first made the decision. He is thriving.
Stopping being a couple doesn't mean you have to stop being a family - it's not necessarily easy and it does take a bit of negotiating and working out, but it is possible to maintain a relationship with an ex that allows effective parenting between you. And all the research about the negative effects of separating is actually, if you look at it, about the negative effects of having parents being hateful to each other.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Yes I have kids. No, they are not the only reason we stay together... like you said, we all have different experiences. I do not believe in staying together for the kids. If that were the only thing keeping us together, we would have ended it already.

well I do hope you find something that carries you through those empty times and where you can find fulfillment and enticement and not feel so trapped in the sadness...

 

[sally_sparrow]

I couldn't agree with that second paragraph more. I'm the child of parents who divorced when I was 10, and we were incredibly relieved.
I'm now a separated parent of a child who was 12 when we first made the decision. He is thriving.
Stopping being a couple doesn't mean you have to stop being a family - it's not necessarily easy and it does take a bit of negotiating and working out, but it is possible to maintain a relationship with an ex that allows effective parenting between you. And all the research about the negative effects of separating is actually, if you look at it, about the negative effects of having parents being hateful to each other.

Yes, I completely agree that it doesn't mean you stop being a family. I know a lot of couples who have done this and come out stronger as co-parents on the other side. I hope to be there one day.

 

[bbwAlexa]

I used to think our extremely boring, so almost non existent sex life was just sex. I can get my kicks elsewhere. But honestly, I never knew how you can lay in bed next to someone and feel so damn alone. Or maybe our worst purchase, a new couch with recliners on each end. Can't even snuggle and watch tv. Lack of contact makes me feel sad and alone. I laugh at myself because I used to condemn cheaters. Now I get why otherwise good caring people cheat.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I used to think our extremely boring, so almost non existent sex life was just sex. I can get my kicks elsewhere. But honestly, I never knew how you can lay in bed next to someone and feel so damn alone. Or maybe our worst purchase, a new couch with recliners on each end. Can't even snuggle and watch tv. Lack of contact makes me feel sad and alone. I laugh at myself because I used to condemn cheaters. Now I get why otherwise good caring people cheat.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I used to think our extremely boring, so almost non existent sex life was just sex. I can get my kicks elsewhere. But honestly, I never knew how you can lay in bed next to someone and feel so damn alone. Or maybe our worst purchase, a new couch with recliners on each end. Can't even snuggle and watch tv. Lack of contact makes me feel sad and alone. I laugh at myself because I used to condemn cheaters. Now I get why otherwise good caring people cheat.

I feel this too

 

[Mtnmike]

I used to think our extremely boring, so almost non existent sex life was just sex. I can get my kicks elsewhere. But honestly, I never knew how you can lay in bed next to someone and feel so damn alone. Or maybe our worst purchase, a new couch with recliners on each end. Can't even snuggle and watch tv. Lack of contact makes me feel sad and alone. I laugh at myself because I used to condemn cheaters. Now I get why otherwise good caring people cheat.

Same situation for me to, you're not alone. I've had friends that cheated & just never understood why, unfortunately now I know.
I'm don't mean to sound awful but I'm glad I've found somewhere I can go & know I'm not as alone as I feel. Thanks everyone for being so open & honest, reading & hearing your stories has helped me understand better what I've been going through.

 

[Bpar721971]

I feel this too

I also feel this too. It really sucks.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I couldn't agree with that second paragraph more. I'm the child of parents who divorced when I was 10, and we were incredibly relieved.
I'm now a separated parent of a child who was 12 when we first made the decision. He is thriving.
Stopping being a couple doesn't mean you have to stop being a family - it's not necessarily easy and it does take a bit of negotiating and working out, but it is possible to maintain a relationship with an ex that allows effective parenting between you. And all the research about the negative effects of separating is actually, if you look at it, about the negative effects of having parents being hateful to each other.

I'm the same, I was 4 when my parents separated, 8 when the divorce completed. TBH my dad hardly featured after that but we were happy with a caring mother, grandparents (both sets) and loads of aunts and uncles.

My boys were 15 and 12 when my wife and I split, they always knew that both of us wanted the best for them and we worked together (even when things were difficult) to support them both. Even attending parents evenings together, spending xmas and birthdays together for them. At times things were good between us, but sooner or later we remembered why we split. But, now 28 and 25, the boys have told both of us that through the confusing time they always understood that we both loved them. They have both asked how come I stayed with their mum so long, given the issues in the marriage.

 

[IASFPWTF]

I feel this too

Me too sweetheart

 

[Twitche]

Here is a little TED talk that my wife found that is on topic for this thread.
Apparently - this is not uncommon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4


maybe this can help open up communications for some.

I thought this one was good. Takes a different approach, talks a bit about the cycle of anger and dismissal.

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20

 

[TheMarksman]

Sexless in my 50s

I doubt my story is unusual, but here goes anyway...

The sad thing is, it’s been so long, I can’t remember how long it’s been! I just know I was in my 40s, the last time I had sex.

I have a loving wife in all respects (bar one). We get on great, have loads of interests in common and, during Covid-19 daily exercise, have still found plenty to talk about. Just no sex. We have discussed it several times and the situation is somewhere during he menopause, she lost her libido. I withdrew, feeling trying to encourage her felt like asking her to do something she wished she wanted to do, but ultimately didn’t.

And that’s how I arrived here. On one hand I didn’t want to have a sordid or cliche affair, but on the other, I needed excitement... stimulation in my life. So I came here (no pun intended) to explore, hoping for that excitement.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the amazing journey It has been (and continues to be): personal discovery and growth, sexual exploration and some amazing friendships.

The irony is that in discovering the real me, parts of it have to remain secret.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I doubt my story is unusual, but here goes anyway...

The sad thing is, it’s been so long, I can’t remember how long it’s been! I just know I was in my 40s, the last time I had sex.

I have a loving wife in all respects (bar one). We get on great, have loads of interests in common and, during Covid-19 daily exercise, have still found plenty to talk about. Just no sex. We have discussed it several times and the situation is somewhere during he menopause, she lost her libido. I withdrew, feeling trying to encourage her felt like asking her to do something she wished she wanted to do, but ultimately didn’t.

And that’s how I arrived here. On one hand I didn’t want to have a sordid or cliche affair, but on the other, I needed excitement... stimulation in my life. So I came here (no pun intended) to explore, hoping for that excitement.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the amazing journey It has been (and continues to be): personal discovery and growth, sexual exploration and some amazing friendships.

The irony is that in discovering the real me, parts of it have to remain secret.

It's this last part that is intriguing - the creation of a secret life! In my case I almost allowed the secret me to take over. Though I remain in the quandary - which is the real me? There are aspects of both that I am quite comfortable with and aspects of both I am troubled by. But I also know that if I were to start making more public those aspects of my secret self I am comfortable with I won't get too far - the contradictions are too great, particularly in my current situation.

Life

 

[TheMarksman]

It's this last part that is intriguing - the creation of a secret life! In my case I almost allowed the secret me to take over. Though I remain in the quandary - which is the real me? There are aspects of both that I am quite comfortable with and aspects of both I am troubled by. But I also know that if I were to start making more public those aspects of my secret self I am comfortable with I won't get too far - the contradictions are too great, particularly in my current situation.

Life

It’s frustrating because while parts of the secret me have permeated into RL, many have not and I feel like I’m holding back. There was one occasion where I came very close to crossing the rubicon, but fortunately it didn’t quite happen.

I say fortunately because, part of the deal with the devil was to do no harm. So that’s the way it has to be.

 

[SnakeBurton]

I'm incredibly interested in this topic and would love to ask some people questions as I'm currently trying to write a story that heavily involves the main character in a sexless marriage. It's so valuable to have some form of release and being able to share these feelings with the community is great to see, as this kind of hardship is not as often brought up, I feel, and even less so are solutions for these problems.

 

[AnnieLit]

I'm incredibly interested in this topic and would love to ask some people questions as I'm currently trying to write a story that heavily involves the main character in a sexless marriage. It's so valuable to have some form of release and being able to share these feelings with the community is great to see, as this kind of hardship is not as often brought up, I feel, and even less so are solutions for these problems.

Not often brought up by who and where?
If you are a woman talking to not very young (say, over 50) men on a sex site (in PMs, not on public boards), this is usually the very first topic that comes up.
If you are a woman talking to men of the same age on a cheating site (as in Ashley Madison), then this topics often comes up even before you start talking as many put it in their pofiles.

 

[SnakeBurton]

Not often brought up by who and where?
If you are a woman talking to not very young (say, over 50) men on a sex site (in PMs, not on public boards), this is usually the very first topic that comes up.
If you are a woman talking to men of the same age on a cheating site (as in Ashley Madison), then this topics often comes up even before you start talking as many put it in their pofiles.

That's true! I should say that it's not as often spoken in public spaces. There's a few articles for sure, but generally lack the kind of personal experience that I see people sharing here. I wouldn't consider cheating sites as being common for the general public but that could very well be my own ignorance. That's why I'm so interested, though.