Sexless Marriages

[WFM_74]

I just wanted to share with the group that I’m finally out of my sexless marriage. I don’t know why I waited so many years. I’m single and loving the fact that I can now search for somebody that is my sexual match

Good for you! Opposite of most on this thread. Hubby takes Ambien and it has dwindled his sex drive.
I have the opposite and it is not working
He will not compromise. In a situation for the next six months to figure out what I need to do. Luckily we have no kids, but it is 27 years down the drain. Good luck to all.

 

[Mtnmike]

Talk to a lawyer! I am not sure if it the same in all states, around here, as far as I know, there aren't any alimony payments after retirement. Pension plans get separated anyway, so there is no reason to pay anything on top of that.

Thank you, I have talked to a couple lawyers, same answer. What I wrote is what they told me, she gets half of everything, including my pension plus another 25% for alimony because she became disabled during the marriage. NC has some screwed up law's and sticks it to the husband, I just thank god all the kids are grown.

 

[Taggy1]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Oh yes I definitely know that feeling. Had more sex when single

 

[AnnieLit]

Thank you, I have talked to a couple lawyers, same answer. What I wrote is what they told me, she gets half of everything, including my pension plus another 25% for alimony because she became disabled during the marriage. NC has some screwed up law's and sticks it to the husband, I just thank god all the kids are grown.

I am so sorry, Mike.

 

[Mtnmike]

I am so sorry, Mike.

Thank You for your kindness.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks Annie for responding, you are much more kind than she would be. I worked 2 jobs for over 20 years, making good money for where we live but just never seemed to be enough. I'm semi retired now and hear all the time that I need to work more. Also she's been on disability for over 10 years for RA so that means I'd have to pay alimony on top of everything else and that's till one of us dies. I'm just screwed.

This does really puzzle me ... surely she can't be happy?

 

[Mtnmike]

This does really puzzle me ... surely she can't be happy?

I honestly think she doesn't know what makes her happy anymore!!!
Lord knows I don't and have give up trying.

 

[KimGordon67]

I honestly think she doesn't know what makes her happy anymore!!!
Lord knows I don't and have give up trying.

I have a very low tolerance for not being happy. I'll pretty much only put up with it if there is literally nothing I can do to change the situation (and even then I'll just do what I can to change my perspective). Life's too short.

 

[phil1955]

Thank you, I have talked to a couple lawyers, same answer. What I wrote is what they told me, she gets half of everything, including my pension plus another 25% for alimony because she became disabled during the marriage. NC has some screwed up law's and sticks it to the husband, I just thank god all the kids are grown.

Tough to offer advice without knowing a lot about the situation. I met a man in AZ this winter in a situation similar to yours. He bought a small RV and he travels by himself as much as he can while leaving her at home on the east coast. He said that there are a number of single women traveling solo and there are groups to allow singles to connect. Said he does not get laid a lot but more than at home plus he at least gets to see new places meet new people and can find fun things to do. He often work camps at RV parks so he can travel pretty cheaply.

 

[Mtnmike]

I have a very low tolerance for not being happy. I'll pretty much only put up with it if there is literally nothing I can do to change the situation (and even then I'll just do what I can to change my perspective). Life's too short.

Thank You Kim, that's the conclusion I finally came to last year and do things I like.
Lisa her off, o yeah but I don't care anymore.

 

[Mtnmike]

Tough to offer advice without knowing a lot about the situation. I met a man in AZ this winter in a situation similar to yours. He bought a small RV and he travels by himself as much as he can while leaving her at home on the east coast. He said that there are a number of single women traveling solo and there are groups to allow singles to connect. Said he does not get laid a lot but more than at home plus he at least gets to see new places meet new people and can find fun things to do. He often work camps at RV parks so he can travel pretty cheaply.

That does sound wonderful as I love the outdoors but then she can file for abandonment and get everything. I'm screwed either way, thanks for your input.

 

[nicklucas]

I honestly think she doesn't know what makes her happy anymore!!!
Lord knows I don't and have give up trying.

Commiserations, buddy. Same here, but substitute anxiety and depression for RA.

I feel guilty and sorry for my part in her unhappiness, but I keep wondering why should both of us be miserable?

We also have a kid in college, so the finances aren't workable right now.

 

[nicklucas]

I have a very low tolerance for not being happy. I'll pretty much only put up with it if there is literally nothing I can do to change the situation (and even then I'll just do what I can to change my perspective). Life's too short.

I used to be like you, Kim. As I get older, I wonder what happened to that guy?

And could I be him again?

 

[KimGordon67]

I used to be like you, Kim. As I get older, I wonder what happened to that guy?

And could I be him again?

I'm 53 ... life is only getting shorter. I'm determined to get the most out of the years I have left, especially the ones in which I can still be sexually active, and still discovering new stuff. I'm getting a new and very visible tattoo shortly (hopefully one of a few new ones), because I figure you can do whatever the fuck you want once you're over 50.

But I also find the attitude of some people's spouses very perplexing ... when me and my husband separated (a couple of years ago now), our main driver was our kid, who was at the centre of all decisions, and then following that, we made sure that we were each as well established as we could be on our own. No lawyers involved. We spent a year working on making sure the finances were properly sorted (e.g. him finishing the study he was doing and getting a job, getting the house ready to sell, buying 'double ups' of small things we didn't want to have to argue over, like stereos and coffee machines). We were just determined to be kind to each other ... which is why I don't get why anyone would want to screw over a person they once loved. Puzzling.

 

[AnnieLit]

We were just determined to be kind to each other ... which is why I don't get why anyone would want to screw over a person they once loved. Puzzling.

Kim, when you were leaving, you already knew that you still got it, that you still can be attractive to somebody. If I remember correctly, to a very specific somebody. Assuming your husband is not much older than you are, he probably also did not have much trouble in finding a woman to date. At least if he wanted to.

But in most situations of divorces at this age at least one of the parties feels that this is it, they will never be with anybody else ever again. Hence the resentment, the "I gave you my best years!" crap (who's choice was that?), the feeling of broken promises of forever. People an mass are afraid to be alone, so when they are forced into it, they lash out.

I am not there yet, so don't know for sure, but this is how I see it.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, when you were leaving, you already knew that you still got it, that you still can be attractive to somebody. If I remember correctly, to a very specific somebody. Assuming your husband is not much older than you are, he probably also did not have much trouble in finding a woman to date. At least if he wanted to.

But in most situations of divorces at this age at least one of the parties feels that this is it, they will never be with anybody else ever again. Hence the resentment, the "I gave you my best years!" crap (who's choice was that?), the feeling of broken promises of forever. People an mass are afraid to be alone, so when they are forced into it, they lash out.

I am not there yet, so don't know for sure, but this is how I see it.

Actually, my ex is younger than me (and now has a 30 year old girlfriend). But I was over 50 - it was only a couple of years ago. The BF I had at the time wasn't a factor in my decision at all - in fact, while me and the ex were in the process of separating, I broke up with the BF at least once (although we obviously got back together) - when that happened, I didn't for a second think 'oh, maybe I'll just stay married now'. They were two entirely separate situations.

But I think you're right about the fear of being alone. Personally, I love it - my capacity for compromising over my living situation seems to have diminished dramatically in recent years. However, there's plenty of people on Tinder in their 50s looking for their (second/third/whatever) soul mate, so it's not as though there's no fish in that ocean.

 

[AnnieLit]

Actually, my ex is younger than me (and now has a 30 year old girlfriend). But I was over 50 - it was only a couple of years ago. The BF I had at the time wasn't a factor in my decision at all - in fact, while me .

Let me try again... I did not mean to say that you were leaving to be with somebody, what I was getting at was that at 50+ you knew for sure that you still can be wanted. For most women of our age, and probably for some men too, this is not a given. I don't know if you never lost that sense of self or if your bf (or the fact of having one in the first place) brought it back, but you knew for a fact that there is life over 50. And this is the main difference.

You know that there are people over 50 on Tinder, I know that too. We also know that we are not exactly invisible there. Now, how many married women that were just told that their marriage is over know that? How many think that THEY can find somebody interested in them? Not the next door neighbour who is 30 pounds lighter, not their school friend who had couple plastic surgeries, but them the way they are now? Insecurities make the perspective of looking very scary instead of fun.

 

[KimGordon67]

Let me try again... I did not mean to say that you were leaving to be with somebody, what I was getting at was that at 50+ you knew for sure that you still can be wanted. For most women of our age, and probably for some men too, this is not a given. I don't know if you never lost that sense of self or if your bf (or the fact of having one in the first place) brought it back, but you knew for a fact that there is life over 50. And this is the main difference.

You know that there are people over 50 on Tinder, I know that too. We also know that we are not exactly invisible there. Now, how many married women that were just told that their marriage is over know that? How many think that THEY can find somebody interested in them? Not the next door neighbour who is 30 pounds lighter, not their school friend who had couple plastic surgeries, but them the way they are now? Insecurities make the perspective of looking very scary instead of fun.

OK ... I guess I'm still a bit puzzled. I'm not sure what makes me any different from anyone else entering their 50s? I'm invisible everywhere, just like almost all other 40+ women. The only reason I attract any attention on places like here is because of specific sexual preferences, and an ability to articulate them, but it's a pretty tiny slice of the population who are interested in those things. The vast majority of people over 40 on Tinder are looking for the same things ... beach walks, cuddles on the couch, a soul mate, etc etc ... that's the guys and the women. If anyone notices me on Tinder, it's only because I'm not looking for those things, and neither are they. Even then, it's a total crap shoot - as my thread makes clear, the vast majority of my dates are 'fails'. The only things that makes that OK is that I don't feel like I need success ... I happier going on a few fun dates every now and then, with the odd bit of success, than I was being in a marriage that made me anxious almost all the time.
And even if the separation hadn't been a mutual decision, even if it was my husband who wanted out when I didn't, I can't imagine screwing him over as a result of that. I don't think the fact that we were together for 20 years means I'm entitled to anything other than half the material stuff we accumulated during that time.

 

[Taggy1]

From what I can tell after being here awhile and chatting to others, we make up the majority in here!! It always amazes me how so many of us in our 40’s & 50’s eventually find ourselves in this situation

You’re in the right place!

I’ve been in a sexless relationship for about 9 years now. Mainly just read Lit to get self off. Anytime you fancy a chat I’d like that. I’m from the U.K.

 

[Vitriolhack]

40s and 50s

I think it started when I hit the 10year of marriage with my wife, i was In my Early 40s. You start thinking, is this how the rest of our life together is going to be?

Maybe the routine sets in? It’s not a bad thing. I mean no really bad things, the kids are young, both of you are busy providing, too busy to think.

Slowly, quotidian mundaneness continues until you hit your early 50s. Your kids are in their late teens, they don’t really need you for distraction they have their friends.

Then you have more time to think and talk to your partner.
But talk about what?
How lonely you are?
How misunderstood you feel?
It’s really not all that bad.

It’s just that, you really start thinking, wow, in 10years I’ll be 60, and then what?

Big questions! Often avoided because of social norms or afraid of being judged for how you feel?

Sure occasional sex or the required quota to stave off bigger arguments.

But what if you want just a little more life?

 

[Mtnmike]

I think it started when I hit the 10year of marriage with my wife, i was In my Early 40s. You start thinking, is this how the rest of our life together is going to be?

Maybe the routine sets in? It’s not a bad thing. I mean no really bad things, the kids are young, both of you are busy providing, too busy to think.

Slowly, quotidian mundaneness continues until you hit your early 50s. Your kids are in their late teens, they don’t really need you for distraction they have their friends.

Then you have more time to think and talk to your partner.
But talk about what?
How lonely you are?
How misunderstood you feel?
It’s really not all that bad.

It’s just that, you really start thinking, wow, in 10years I’ll be 60, and then what?

Big questions! Often avoided because of social norms or afraid of being judged for how you feel?

Sure occasional sex or the required quota to stave off bigger arguments.

But what if you want just a little more life?

You just revealed the story of my life!!!
With the exception of I was married longer at that age & I just reached 60.
Wow, kind of strange seeing it in print.

 

[king04]

OK ... I guess I'm still a bit puzzled. I'm not sure what makes me any different from anyone else entering their 50s? I'm invisible everywhere, just like almost all other 40+ women. The only reason I attract any attention on places like here is because of specific sexual preferences, and an ability to articulate them, but it's a pretty tiny slice of the population who are interested in those things. The vast majority of people over 40 on Tinder are looking for the same things ... beach walks, cuddles on the couch, a soul mate, etc etc ... that's the guys and the women. If anyone notices me on Tinder, it's only because I'm not looking for those things, and neither are they. Even then, it's a total crap shoot - as my thread makes clear, the vast majority of my dates are 'fails'. The only things that makes that OK is that I don't feel like I need success ... I happier going on a few fun dates every now and then, with the odd bit of success, than I was being in a marriage that made me anxious almost all the time.
And even if the separation hadn't been a mutual decision, even if it was my husband who wanted out when I didn't, I can't imagine screwing him over as a result of that. I don't think the fact that we were together for 20 years means I'm entitled to anything other than half the material stuff we accumulated during that time.

good morning Kim.if you would ever like to chat feel free to pm me sometime

 

[Easyvirtue]

Still none, another day I check off the calendar! Oh well I’m gettin good at jerking off again like when I was a teenager! LOL!

 

[phil1955]

That does sound wonderful as I love the outdoors but then she can file for abandonment and get everything. I'm screwed either way, thanks for your input.

I am not sure that would legally be abandonment. He still spends time at home and offers to take her with him. She doesn’t want to be away from home so he just heads off for a few months to do something he enjoys.

 

[phil1955]

About a year ago we moved into a 55+ community. I have met a number of people in their 60’s that have been married less than 10 years. Obviously 2nd, 3rd marriages but most of them seem content. Point is that partners are available in the 50’s and 60’s and at that point people tend to know what they want. I know one couple who are both 70. They both ride motorcycles and are hardly ever home. Perhaps having a passion and finding someone who shares the interest makes it easier.