Looking for some feedback

[pantyboidoe]

Recently published for the first time. Working on a part II. Would love some feedback if anyone cares to give it a read. Thank you!

https://literotica.com/s/a-gurl-in-the-making-pt-01

 

[geronimo_appleby]

i liked the hidden camera idea. some of the dialogue is mundane and doesn't drive the scene on. watch the adverbs. for me, the paragraphs could perhaps have been broken up into something more punchy. there's promise in the scene. maybe build the main principals'' personalities more. so far, good job.

 

[pantyboidoe]

i liked the hidden camera idea. some of the dialogue is mundane and doesn't drive the scene on. watch the adverbs. for me, the paragraphs could perhaps have been broken up into something more punchy. there's promise in the scene. maybe build the main principals'' personalities more. so far, good job.

Thank you! I think dialogue has been one of my biggest challenges but I'll just have to keep writing to get the hang of it and to discover some of the character voices to a better extent. Definitely have plans to flesh out the characters in future scenes.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Thank you! I think dialogue has been one of my biggest challenges but I'll just have to keep writing to get the hang of it and to discover some of the character voices to a better extent. Definitely have plans to flesh out the characters in future scenes.

don't worry. i've been doing this for almost 20 years and i'm still crap!

i'm sure you'll do loads better.

i'll pm you a story i read which really works. its simplicity is the key.

 

[pantyboidoe]

don't worry. i've been doing this for almost 20 years and i'm still crap!

i'm sure you'll do loads better.

i'll pm you a story i read which really works. its simplicity is the key.

Thank you so much!

 

[Texastuffbbc]

Thank you so much!

I too just read the story and the secret cameras are definitely a positive. Motion detection too.

 

[pantyboidoe]

I too just read the story and the secret cameras are definitely a positive. Motion detection too.

Aw, thank you! Very flattered that you read my writing.

 

[Emirus]

My first point is too watch the length of your paragraphs. I read stories, like many others do, on my phone and what might seem a reasonable length paragraph when reading on your pc comes across as much longer on a phone. It improved after the beginning but if I hadn’t been intending reading for a specific reason I might have skipped them. Hold the readers attention with shorter (not short) paragraphs.

My second point is be careful of mixing dialogue and text. They are better kept apart except when by separating them it interrupts the flow of the story. One example was the fifth paragraph from the end when you had a long paragraph at the end of which you attached dialogue, “I heard back from some of my girlfriends. They were....”. The dialogue was lost in the paragraph. It needed to be kept separate.

I think you are worrying too much about your dialogue. For a first story I think you did okay. When in doubt imagine you are eavesdropping on a conversation and/or read your dialogue out loud to yourself and you’ll know whether it sounds natural. It will also help with the punctuation.

I liked you using italics for his thoughts. Some writers do thoughts in bold which makes them stand out instead of fitting in with the story. Some use quotation marks and you don’t know whether they are thoughts or dialogue.

Again, for a first story I thought it good and deserves a higher rating than it has at the time of me writing this comment. I also liked the camera angle and her being patient and waiting six months. I’ll be interested to read the next chapter. I think you are at a fork in the road and could take it down the right road, or not, depending on how you choose to deal with her girlfriends and the auntie/uncle involvement. But I wouldn’t let him know about the cameras.

 

[pantyboidoe]

My first point is too watch the length of your paragraphs. I read stories, like many others do, on my phone and what might seem a reasonable length paragraph when reading on your pc comes across as much longer on a phone. It improved after the beginning but if I hadn’t been intending reading for a specific reason I might have skipped them. Hold the readers attention with shorter (not short) paragraphs.

My second point is be careful of mixing dialogue and text. They are better kept apart except when by separating them it interrupts the flow of the story. One example was the fifth paragraph from the end when you had a long paragraph at the end of which you attached dialogue, “I heard back from some of my girlfriends. They were....”. The dialogue was lost in the paragraph. It needed to be kept separate.

I think you are worrying too much about your dialogue. For a first story I think you did okay. When in doubt imagine you are eavesdropping on a conversation and/or read your dialogue out loud to yourself and you’ll know whether it sounds natural. It will also help with the punctuation.

I liked you using italics for his thoughts. Some writers do thoughts in bold which makes them stand out instead of fitting in with the story. Some use quotation marks and you don’t know whether they are thoughts or dialogue.

Again, for a first story I thought it good and deserves a higher rating than it has at the time of me writing this comment. I also liked the camera angle and her being patient and waiting six months. I’ll be interested to read the next chapter. I think you are at a fork in the road and could take it down the right road, or not, depending on how you choose to deal with her girlfriends and the auntie/uncle involvement. But I wouldn’t let him know about the cameras.

Thank you very much for the kind feedback! Really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and offer feedback. That is greatly appreciated. I hope the second part will be even better once I wrap it up!