I'd really appreciate ratings and feedback for my second story. I put more effort into this one than my first story. https://literotica.com/beta/s/rachels-21st
Feedback New Story
- Thread starter Kim34DD
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SpindleTop
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Hi Kim34DD!
Well done on your second story. Here are a few thoughts from me:
Your story divides itself almost exactly into two halves (by word count). The first half introduces Adam, Rachel, Jason and Tanya. The second half is about Adam, Rachel and Carol. I'm afraid I can't really see how the two halves relate to each other. As I was reading the beginning, I was expecting the sex scene to involve at least Jason and Tanya, but they were forgotten almost as soon as Carol was mentioned (who wasn’t introduced until the very end of the first half).
I think I’d have liked to see more of a build up to the threesome - some hint at sexual tension between Carol and (at least) one of the boys before we get to the bedroom scene. I think you might also consider combining Tanya and Carol into one character. I wasn’t really sure what purpose Jason served in the story.
I think I’d like to find out a bit more about Rachel’s and/or Adam’s emotions/wants/intentions. They’ve been dating for four months and Rachel's about to go away for the summer. Are things going well? Are they a bit stale? Is this an attempt to liven up their sex lives? Has she always wanted a threesome? Or is this a final, memorable fuck before they split?
Hope this helps,
SpindleTop
—
My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5133214&page=submissions
My latest chapter: https://www.literotica.com/s/tybalt-and-juliet-ch-15
Well done on your second story. Here are a few thoughts from me:
Your story divides itself almost exactly into two halves (by word count). The first half introduces Adam, Rachel, Jason and Tanya. The second half is about Adam, Rachel and Carol. I'm afraid I can't really see how the two halves relate to each other. As I was reading the beginning, I was expecting the sex scene to involve at least Jason and Tanya, but they were forgotten almost as soon as Carol was mentioned (who wasn’t introduced until the very end of the first half).
I think I’d have liked to see more of a build up to the threesome - some hint at sexual tension between Carol and (at least) one of the boys before we get to the bedroom scene. I think you might also consider combining Tanya and Carol into one character. I wasn’t really sure what purpose Jason served in the story.
I think I’d like to find out a bit more about Rachel’s and/or Adam’s emotions/wants/intentions. They’ve been dating for four months and Rachel's about to go away for the summer. Are things going well? Are they a bit stale? Is this an attempt to liven up their sex lives? Has she always wanted a threesome? Or is this a final, memorable fuck before they split?
Hope this helps,
SpindleTop
—
My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5133214&page=submissions
My latest chapter: https://www.literotica.com/s/tybalt-and-juliet-ch-15
Last edited:
gordo12
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Let's look at the first three sentences of your story:
"Adam and Rachel had been dating four months. He was 23. It was May."
All three of those thoughts are disjointed and don't belong together like that. They could be woven into a two sentence tapestry that provided the same information, but made to flow. Think about the rhythm comment someone made above.
Eg: Adam and Rachel met during the cold winter month of February. Dating for the last four months, during which time Adam's twenty third birthday had passed, it was now May. (could be many other variations on those sentences)
Here's another one:
"Adam was 5 foot 11, black hair, blue eyes and a fit body. He picked Jason up at 6pm."
Do you see how disjointed those two sentences are once they're removed from the paragraph. Imagine what that does to your reader's mind when they're reading in the flow...and 'say what?' It's a WTF does picking Jason up at six o'clock have to do with his description?
It would have been far better to combine his description with these sentences or perhaps elsewhere in the story:
"Adam was quite nervous as he knew all her family would be there. Many of whom he hadn't met yet. He made sure to pick out nice clothes to make a good impression. He was wearing a tight light blue shirt, with navy chinos and shoes."
The previous paragraph would have been better with his description removed.
"The day of the party arrived. As Adam lived in a town half an hour from Rachel's house he would have to stay the night at hers. He was bringing his friend Jason with him for company as he didn't know many of Rachel's friends. He picked Jason up at 6pm."
You also need to research when to spell out numbers.
JMO. Hope it helps
"Adam and Rachel had been dating four months. He was 23. It was May."
All three of those thoughts are disjointed and don't belong together like that. They could be woven into a two sentence tapestry that provided the same information, but made to flow. Think about the rhythm comment someone made above.
Eg: Adam and Rachel met during the cold winter month of February. Dating for the last four months, during which time Adam's twenty third birthday had passed, it was now May. (could be many other variations on those sentences)
Here's another one:
"Adam was 5 foot 11, black hair, blue eyes and a fit body. He picked Jason up at 6pm."
Do you see how disjointed those two sentences are once they're removed from the paragraph. Imagine what that does to your reader's mind when they're reading in the flow...and 'say what?' It's a WTF does picking Jason up at six o'clock have to do with his description?
It would have been far better to combine his description with these sentences or perhaps elsewhere in the story:
"Adam was quite nervous as he knew all her family would be there. Many of whom he hadn't met yet. He made sure to pick out nice clothes to make a good impression. He was wearing a tight light blue shirt, with navy chinos and shoes."
The previous paragraph would have been better with his description removed.
"The day of the party arrived. As Adam lived in a town half an hour from Rachel's house he would have to stay the night at hers. He was bringing his friend Jason with him for company as he didn't know many of Rachel's friends. He picked Jason up at 6pm."
You also need to research when to spell out numbers.
JMO. Hope it helps
Enchantment_of_Nyx
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It seems like the trend is to follow APA rules for numbers. That's fine for business or technical writing, but I much prefer the MLA format for other writing. If you apply APA rules, your paragraphs end up looking like word problems.
I don't want my number format to catch a reader's attention because it looks wrong to them, but I just don't want a bunch of numerals in my paragraphs unless the written form is unwieldy.
Thoughts on APA v. MLA for numbers? (Assuming the writer isn't tying themselves to any particular style guide for the piece?)
johnnieblue44
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The stories are OK, but the tits are legendary.
gordo12
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And there's somebody who didn't read her bio before jumping off a cliff
johnnieblue44
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You say you’re 40 on your author bio page, and 23 on this forum. But I pick nits, those are great tits. See what I did there!
gordo12
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It seems like the trend is to follow APA rules for numbers. That's fine for business or technical writing, but I much prefer the MLA format for other writing. If you apply APA rules, your paragraphs end up looking like word problems.
I don't want my number format to catch a reader's attention because it looks wrong to them, but I just don't want a bunch of numerals in my paragraphs unless the written form is unwieldy.
Thoughts on APA v. MLA for numbers? (Assuming the writer isn't tying themselves to any particular style guide for the piece?)
Honestly I don't care much for either. I've done some reading on the subject but I tend to follow my own rules. I write everything out even beyond 10. I find the appearance of say 11 or 12 or 56 jarring visually. I'm very careful to avoid things like one hundred and fifty rather than one hundred fifty. I have used numbers for fractions. Truthfully I avoid the problem like the plague.
Seems to me once you get that ten inches worked into a story the rest of the numbers are moot!
gordo12
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Asshole posts reported.
To the OP: Please don't think this kind of harassment is normal around here. This guy's obviously off his meds
johnnieblue44
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Asshole posts reported.
To the OP: Please don't think this kind of harassment is normal around here. This guy's obviously off his meds
This coming from a guy who writes stories about a virginal lawyer vs. the devil. And I’m fucked up.
gordo12
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Enchantment_of_Nyx
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Honestly I don't care much for either. I've done some reading on the subject but I tend to follow my own rules. I write everything out even beyond 10. I find the appearance of say 11 or 12 or 56 jarring visually. I'm very careful to avoid things like one hundred and fifty rather than one hundred fifty. I have used numbers for fractions. Truthfully I avoid the problem like the plague.
Seems to me once you get that ten inches worked into a story the rest of the numbers are moot!
10 inches would be visually jarring, but ten inches is still physically jarring.
Enchantment_of_Nyx
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When you read this later, you're probably going to wonder why you thought it was an insult when you wrote it.
gordo12
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Bramblethorn
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If you don't understand the difference between "writing fiction" and "talking to a real person who writes fiction", you're probably not old enough to be on this site.
MohanSingh
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Barely a mention of the double d's
gordo12
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Another poster has already been removed for the same kind of stupid comments. Get a brain loser!
Commenting on the writer's personal attributes is NOT feedback on the story.
MohanSingh
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Another poster has already been removed for the same kind of stupid comments. Get a brain loser!
Commenting on the writer's personal attributes is NOT feedback on the story.
Haha. Calm down. No need to asterisk it.
Paddyohorn1
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Feedback
Enjoyed the story..a light Sunday morning read.
You are probably just missing was the pub and copper face jacks..
Enjoyed the story..a light Sunday morning read.
You are probably just missing was the pub and copper face jacks..
dontcallme82
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A light, enjoyable enough read.
I think the characters needed to have some personality, it was very matter of fact.
Nothing wrong with that but felt it would have improved the story.
I think the characters needed to have some personality, it was very matter of fact.
Nothing wrong with that but felt it would have improved the story.
