Published my first story--appreciate your thoughts!

KaiAubrey

Virgin
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Apr 24, 2020
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https://literotica.com/s/in-his-service-pt-01-the-bond

Hi all--I published my first work today, and would love some feedback. It is gay + set in a fantasy world and includes themes of gentle domination and seduction. I have never written a story before (much less erotica), so let me know your thoughts. If I have what it takes and there is demand, I will keep adding to it. Thanks!
 
A good beginning--not just as a first story here but how you chose to pull the reader in with the first scene. You're a good storyteller and set the mood well, with just a blip here and there (e.g., "8-pack" and some would say the "8 inches" too, as you were doing quite well with more evocative prose) that pulls the reader out of the "other time" atmosphere you're providing. Don't be surprised if you receive some backlash for putting it in Sci-Fi rather than Gay Male. The first person-present tense works fine with me with the richness of description you provide. There are some here with a block against reading that, though, so there may be some backlash there too.
 
KaiAubrey, I just read your Part One and think it was very well executed. I left you a short comment to that effect, but the story comments take a short while due to scanning for spam, etc. You have a very pleasing and intelligent writing style — and the storyline has already made me want to know more.

The only niggle for me was the use of inches to describe Emeric's cock. To my mind, and quite a few others, the use of precise measurements is not real-to-life and creates a little road-bump in the flow of the story. You obviously have a command of English and a more artistic/colorful description shouldn't be too hard for you. One other thought; Since you're writing in first person, don't hesitate to go inside Alrin's thoughts/emotions even more in order to draw the readers into his experiences.

But seriously, start writing the second part, I'm sure I won't be the only one to urge you forward. Welcome to Literotica and I wish you much enjoyment and success.
 
A good beginning--not just as a first story here but how you chose to pull the reader in with the first scene. You're a good storyteller and set the mood well, with just a blip here and there (e.g., "8-pack" and some would say the "8 inches" too, as you were doing quite well with more evocative prose) that pulls the reader out of the "other time" atmosphere you're providing. Don't be surprised if you receive some backlash for putting it in Sci-Fi rather than Gay Male. The first person-present tense works fine with me with the richness of description you provide. There are some here with a block against reading that, though, so there may be some backlash there too.

Thank you! Good point on categorization--Gay Male would probably be better for getting in front of my target audience. Will have to use for future stories.


KaiAubrey, I just read your Part One and think it was very well executed. I left you a short comment to that effect, but the story comments take a short while due to scanning for spam, etc. You have a very pleasing and intelligent writing style — and the storyline has already made me want to know more.

The only niggle for me was the use of inches to describe Emeric's cock. To my mind, and quite a few others, the use of precise measurements is not real-to-life and creates a little road-bump in the flow of the story. You obviously have a command of English and a more artistic/colorful description shouldn't be too hard for you. One other thought; Since you're writing in first person, don't hesitate to go inside Alrin's thoughts/emotions even more in order to draw the readers into his experiences.

But seriously, start writing the second part, I'm sure I won't be the only one to urge you forward. Welcome to Literotica and I wish you much enjoyment and success.

Thanks! Great advice, I hadn't thought of that. I have ideas for several series taking place in this world simultaneously, with interlocking plot elements and character cross-overs, so we'll see where it goes :)
 
^^^ echo the comments above, and like Yukon, I left a comment. You've got a luscious and evocative style, with just the right amount of world building. Some readers will want you to "explain" everything - resist doing so: the way you're rolling out detail is spot on.

I'd agree the suggestions that the next chapters go into GM, and even consider asking for a category change on this first chapter. That might depend on the future direction of the story, I guess, but sadly you do find narrow minded "category police" everywhere who feel it their self-proclaimed "duty" to tell you what they don't like (as if anybody cares). But, sci-fi and fantasy readers aren't too bad, so you might be okay. Wait and see the range of comments, maybe.

I wouldn't fuss over the inches, either - I see no problem with writing a well hung demon, and it's not as if you've gone to ridiculous extremes. The dude's a half-percenter, sure, but hey, if you've got it or can hold it, what the fuck? It's always the dilemma in stories to mention size, because by the rule of maths, half your (male) readers will be below average and don't like to be reminded, and many women say they don't care ;).
 
^^^ echo the comments above, and like Yukon, I left a comment. You've got a luscious and evocative style, with just the right amount of world building. Some readers will want you to "explain" everything - resist doing so: the way you're rolling out detail is spot on.

I'd agree the suggestions that the next chapters go into GM, and even consider asking for a category change on this first chapter. That might depend on the future direction of the story, I guess, but sadly you do find narrow minded "category police" everywhere who feel it their self-proclaimed "duty" to tell you what they don't like (as if anybody cares). But, sci-fi and fantasy readers aren't too bad, so you might be okay. Wait and see the range of comments, maybe.

I wouldn't fuss over the inches, either - I see no problem with writing a well hung demon, and it's not as if you've gone to ridiculous extremes. The dude's a half-percenter, sure, but hey, if you've got it or can hold it, what the fuck? It's always the dilemma in stories to mention size, because by the rule of maths, half your (male) readers will be below average and don't like to be reminded, and many women say they don't care ;).

Thanks a bunch--will request a category change :)
 
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