Looking for feedback on My First Story !!

[KamalaSutra]

It's titled "Big deals and really big deals", and it's up under NonConsent/Reluctance here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/big-deals-and-really-big-deals

I'd love to hear from you, either directly to the thread or PM

 

[Jada59]

It's titled "Big deals and really big deals", and it's up under NonConsent/Reluctance here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/big-deals-and-really-big-deals

I'd love to hear from you, either directly to the thread or PM

I couldn't get past the very first part. Not the woman's opinion, but the making fun of others.

 

[sdsioux]

post on lit

not my kind of story

 

[NotWise]

Your story is better than most first attempts. I thought it was largely well-written. I won't give you line-by-line comments, but I'll offer a few technical notes.

You use many long sentences, and some of them are probably not grammatically correct. Using shorter sentences would increase the readability of the story, and would avoid some run-ons and splices.

Otherwise, the editing was not bad. You could have used a second pair of eyes to catch minor problems like omitted words and punctuation, but you share that need with all of us.

I thought that "A" as a tag for your male protagonist was a poor choice. "A" is an English article (as you know) and using it as his name caused me some confusion -- especially when it appears at the beginning of a sentence, or where (in at least one case) you failed to capitalize it.

There are a few other story and stylistic details I'll point out. Use them as you see fit.

The story contains quite a few repeated phrases and repeated ideas. That became annoying.

You chose to use a lot of colorful verbs, adverbs and adjectives. In a few cases it got to be too much for me, especially when there were repetitions. Your use of "pinion" is an example.

I thought that leaving all of your characters unnamed was an odd choice. It became awkward in the rape scenes when the men all became "the first man," "the second man," or "the third man."

You chose to relate the entire first rape scene as a long narrative, when (afterwords) it seemed to have been related in conversation while walking with "A" on the beach. By using narrative rather than dialogue you missed several opportunities to set the scene and build your characters.

I thought your Caribbean scene depended a lot on the "big cock" stereotype and might have been improved had you given it a more specific location. The Caribbean is a big place, and it isn't homogeneous.

Your final scene didn't make any sense to me. Just before the second rape scene your female main character was perfectly ready to fuck "A." In the last scene she's suddenly very righteous about "A" not fooling around on his wife. Early in the story, your female main character thought it was normal and acceptable for men to make advances to women at work, and in the last scene she makes a vague threat about what will happen if he ever takes advantage of the women working for him.

 

[lovecraft68]

Your story is better than most first attempts. I thought it was largely well-written. I won't give you line-by-line comments, but I'll offer a few technical notes.

You use many long sentences, and some of them are probably not grammatically correct. Using shorter sentences would increase the readability of the story, and would avoid some run-ons and splices.

Otherwise, the editing was not bad. You could have used a second pair of eyes to catch minor problems like omitted words and punctuation, but you share that need with all of us.

I thought that "A" as a tag for your male protagonist was a poor choice. "A" is an English article (as you know) and using it as his name caused me some confusion -- especially when it appears at the beginning of a sentence, or where (in at least one case) you failed to capitalize it.

There are a few other story and stylistic details I'll point out. Use them as you see fit.

The story contains quite a few repeated phrases and repeated ideas. That became annoying.

You chose to use a lot of colorful verbs, adverbs and adjectives. In a few cases it got to be too much for me, especially when there were repetitions. Your use of "pinion" is an example.

I thought that leaving all of your characters unnamed was an odd choice. It became awkward in the rape scenes when the men all became "the first man," "the second man," or "the third man."

You chose to relate the entire first rape scene as a long narrative, when (afterwords) it seemed to have been related in conversation while walking with "A" on the beach. By using narrative rather than dialogue you missed several opportunities to set the scene and build your characters.

I thought your Caribbean scene depended a lot on the "big cock" stereotype and might have been improved had you given it a more specific location. The Caribbean is a big place, and it isn't homogeneous.

Your final scene didn't make any sense to me. Just before the second rape scene your female main character was perfectly ready to fuck "A." In the last scene she's suddenly very righteous about "A" not fooling around on his wife. Early in the story, your female main character thought it was normal and acceptable for men to make advances to women at work, and in the last scene she makes a vague threat about what will happen if he ever takes advantage of the women working for him.

But....Lit doesn't allow rape...

Sorry, I just had to for old times sake.

 

[NotWise]

But....Lit doesn't allow rape...

Sorry, I just had to for old times sake.

But it's OK. She doesn't get beaten up, and she has multiple orgasms each time.

 

[KamalaSutra]

Your story is better than most first attempts. I thought it was largely well-written. I won't give you line-by-line comments, but I'll offer a few technical notes.

You use many long sentences, and some of them are probably not grammatically correct. Using shorter sentences would increase the readability of the story, and would avoid some run-ons and splices.

Otherwise, the editing was not bad. You could have used a second pair of eyes to catch minor problems like omitted words and punctuation, but you share that need with all of us.

I thought that "A" as a tag for your male protagonist was a poor choice. "A" is an English article (as you know) and using it as his name caused me some confusion -- especially when it appears at the beginning of a sentence, or where (in at least one case) you failed to capitalize it.

There are a few other story and stylistic details I'll point out. Use them as you see fit.

The story contains quite a few repeated phrases and repeated ideas. That became annoying.

You chose to use a lot of colorful verbs, adverbs and adjectives. In a few cases it got to be too much for me, especially when there were repetitions. Your use of "pinion" is an example.

I thought that leaving all of your characters unnamed was an odd choice. It became awkward in the rape scenes when the men all became "the first man," "the second man," or "the third man."

You chose to relate the entire first rape scene as a long narrative, when (afterwords) it seemed to have been related in conversation while walking with "A" on the beach. By using narrative rather than dialogue you missed several opportunities to set the scene and build your characters.

I thought your Caribbean scene depended a lot on the "big cock" stereotype and might have been improved had you given it a more specific location. The Caribbean is a big place, and it isn't homogeneous.

Your final scene didn't make any sense to me. Just before the second rape scene your female main character was perfectly ready to fuck "A." In the last scene she's suddenly very righteous about "A" not fooling around on his wife. Early in the story, your female main character thought it was normal and acceptable for men to make advances to women at work, and in the last scene she makes a vague threat about what will happen if he ever takes advantage of the women working for him.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for your very detailed, thoughtful feedback.

That was a great insight about reader problems with the character named 'A'! I love those Victorian-era novels that start with sentences like:

"It was in the year 18--, in the city P----, that I first met G---."......

....and I guess I got carried away. Just shows I should imagine reading my stories out loud.

As for the content, it was an exercise in creative writing, that's all. I was wondering if I could write a NC/R story, and decided to try.

I might try an Incest story next, although my mind still recoils from the idea.

Once again, thank you for your very detailed and insightful feedback.

 

[NotWise]

Once again, thank you for your very detailed and insightful feedback.

For now, why don't you just want to write what you want to write, the way you want to write it?

 

[yukonnights]

Just read it and I found it to be quite good. It was something I haven't seen (not that that means much). It was edgy, pushing some limits — but through it all I had the sense of a satire in the exaggeration of a typically not humorous subject. Your message was clear by the end of the story.

There were only a few minor editorial over-sites — pretty good if you self-edited it.

I wasn't put off by the use of narration to tell much of the story. To unfold all of this with dialogue would make for a much longer task. I got enough of a sense of the characters as I needed for this story to work.

The use of "A" didn't bother me greatly, but it didn't help the story either.

All in all, I think it was well done — and I don't think for a moment this is your first ever story (If it is, look out world — here she comes!) <— did I just make a pun

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for your very detailed, thoughtful feedback.

That was a great insight about reader problems with the character named 'A'! I love those Victorian-era novels that start with sentences like:

"It was in the year 18--, in the city P----, that I first met G---."......

....and I guess I got carried away. Just shows I should imagine reading my stories out loud.

As for the content, it was an exercise in creative writing, that's all. I was wondering if I could write a NC/R story, and decided to try.

I might try an Incest story next, although my mind still recoils from the idea.

Once again, thank you for your very detailed and insightful feedback.

I think you did a good job on NC/R. Pushed the edge, but ultimately it was enjoyed by those being "forced".

If you do decide to do an Incest story next, a theme of mutual love and desire might make it easier for you to swallow??? Good luck and have fun in whatever you chose.

 

[KamalaSutra]

Just read it and I found it to be quite good. It was something I haven't seen (not that that means much). It was edgy, pushing some limits — but through it all I had the sense of a satire in the exaggeration of a typically not humorous subject. Your message was clear by the end of the story.

There were only a few minor editorial over-sites — pretty good if you self-edited it.

I wasn't put off by the use of narration to tell much of the story. To unfold all of this with dialogue would make for a much longer task. I got enough of a sense of the characters as I needed for this story to work.

The use of "A" didn't bother me greatly, but it didn't help the story either.

All in all, I think it was well done — and I don't think for a moment this is your first ever story (If it is, look out world — here she comes!) <— did I just make a pun

Thank you for your feedback and kind words!

I think you got my story pretty much as I had intended.

 

[Charrla]

Not bad for a first story!

The errors were mostly minor proofreading errors (an uncapitalized sentence opener here, a space missing there). But there were a couple of sentences early on that jumped out at me. Otherwise your grammar is pretty solid. These were the problem sentences:

"And she was more important than him as a friend, she being very successful in her own right and who had helped me a lot in my profession as the head of my own advertising agency in Colombo. I had never been able to decide who I wanted more between my legs, she or he."

The first sentence is really convoluted. I might rewrite to:

"Of the two, she was more important to me, as she was very successful in her own right and had helped me a lot when I built my own advertising agency in Colombo."

The second sentence needs to end with "her or him," as those are the objects, not the subjects. If you break down the sentence to basic elements, it would be "I" (subject) "want" (verb) "her" (object). You wouldn't say "I want she."

Good luck with your future stories!

 

[KamalaSutra]

Not bad for a first story!

The errors were mostly minor proofreading errors (an uncapitalized sentence opener here, a space missing there). But there were a couple of sentences early on that jumped out at me. Otherwise your grammar is pretty solid. These were the problem sentences:

"And she was more important than him as a friend, she being very successful in her own right and who had helped me a lot in my profession as the head of my own advertising agency in Colombo. I had never been able to decide who I wanted more between my legs, she or he."

The first sentence is really convoluted. I might rewrite to:

"Of the two, she was more important to me, as she was very successful in her own right and had helped me a lot when I built my own advertising agency in Colombo."

The second sentence needs to end with "her or him," as those are the objects, not the subjects. If you break down the sentence to basic elements, it would be "I" (subject) "want" (verb) "her" (object). You wouldn't say "I want she."

Good luck with your future stories!

Thank you for your nice words !

I think parts of the story wrote themselves in stream of consciousness mode, hence the convolutions.

As regards the 'he versus him' grammar point, you are of course completely correct. However, some might assert, like me, that 'she or he' renders personhood more effectively that 'him or her', but perhaps that's nitpicking.

 

[MohanSingh]

Lost interest at the initial dialogue. It seemed too convoluted and needed to be more direct. But speak your truth and write more.