New author -1st story feedback wanted

[Kay_Evans100]

So I am new here and just put up my first story.

Really interested in constructive feedback from other experienced authors so if I decide to write more I can be even better.

LOL it took me a good few attempts to get the basics of punctuation sorted!! but I really want to improve overall structure etc

Thank you

 

[BelleCanzuto]

So I am new here and just put up my first story.

Really interested in constructive feedback from other experienced authors so if I decide to write more I can be even better.

LOL it took me a good few attempts to get the basics of punctuation sorted!! but I really want to improve overall structure etc

Thank you

Hi - Can you put a link to your story in your post (you can copy the URl and paste it) here? That'll make it easier to get to, and more likely that people will look at it.
thanks

And - welcome aboard and happy writing
Belle

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Thanks for the suggestion

As requested links to two of the chapters

https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/charity-slave-auction-ch-08
https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/charity-slave-auction-ch-08-pt-01

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Thanks had one bit of constructive feedback so far.

Surely others must have thoughts as quite a few seemed to have looked at it?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks had one bit of constructive feedback so far.

Surely others must have thoughts as quite a few seemed to have looked at it?

I read one, quickly. I've not unpacked what it is, but your style is peculiarly passive, even though it's first person present tense. That pov is usually very immediate, very intimate, but in the chapter I read (Pt-01) the action seemed very distant, remote. It was as if the "self" narrator wasn't there, or was observing herself from a great distance. Perhaps that's an attempt at writing some sub-space thing, but I think it's more down to word choice and style, the way the narrator's eye jumps all over the place. As a brief example:

The next thing I notice is a woman walking across the room, I must have been so self-absorbed I did not see or hear her enter the room!

I turn and walk back towards the bed and then suddenly realise it is Sue.

The first phrase is odd - Sue is a person, not a thing. And you notice her? What, she appears out of thin air? The exclamation mark? But there's nothing startling here, so why the emphasis? You suddenly realise it's Sue? Why is this a sudden realisation? Presumably your character knows this person?

The conversation that follows sounds like two people gone shopping for fruit and vegetables, it's just... I'm falling asleep here.

I get the feeling you want to describe the fetish material, but there's no engagement with it. It's as if you've looked at a picture and are excited by the sight - as an aside, I'm not sure the pics add anything because they're such a singular vision - with writing I think you're much better off to allow the reader to use their own mind's eye. But I get no sense of how tactile latex must feel, how it grips flesh, and I get no sense of the person who craves this kink.

It's all so very passive, very distant.

Describe what she feels - a latex kink must be all about constriction and texture, the feel of the material - but I get no sense of any of that.

My suggestion would be to write yourself truly, deeply, richly into a story, don't just describe a cartoon picture. Make it visceral, the heat, the cold, the touch. Make the reader want to be inside skin. If that's what it's all about.

Write more, that's the only way to find your natural style. You'll be fine - I'm sure you look hot in latex - describe that woman .

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Thank you; that is very helpful insight.

I guess one of the reasons for not getting in all that detail in around how it feels to wear latex was I was conscious I could get very carried away in the depth of description making it very long !! which might detract from pace of story and be too into the detail of my fetish.

 

[JPGmvny]

Thank you; that is very helpful insight.

I guess one of the reasons for not getting in all that detail in around how it feels to wear latex was I was conscious I could get very carried away in the depth of description making it very long !! which might detract from pace of story and be too into the detail of my fetish.

I agree about Chapter 1. Go through it and tighten it up. Especially with the "had"s. In the first paragraph, the first four can go with a slight re-write.

It begins abruptly because there's nothing to tether "a few months earlier" to. Picking the spot where it turns into Kay's POV, how about: "Kay is waiting for a charity auction in which she agreed to participate to begin, wearing a collar with a red number "10" dangling just above her breast. She was there with John, who she met a few months . . . "

The passivity is much less when chap. 2 begins and the story begins to move. So I suggest tightening it up dramatically in the first chapter, including by making sentences shorter, and then do it less drastically for the rest.

I like it. Gave it a 5 and am now a follower.

 

[yukonnights]

He called her one evening and said he had been invited to a very exclusive event and wondered if she might want to come. He explained it was a charity event at a large country house. She said it sounded lovely. He wanted to tell her more about it so they agreed to meet for drinks the next day.

John said he would really like her to wear the latex dress that had been made for her, as it would be the first time she had worn it. He encouraged her by saying lots of other women would be wearing leather, latex and burlesque type costumes. She agreed.

He then said he thought she would look amazing wearing it if she took part in the charity auction. She was not sure about that but he explained it was just like a catwalk show and each person who took part would be bid on and the highest bidder would get the lady to join them for the evening. Reluctantly she agreed after he promised he would bid for her, after all it was for charity!

In each of these instances above, you missed an opportunity for dialogue to make the story more immediate. I'm sure you've heard the; Show don't Tell adage for writing fiction. The failure to take advantage of dialogue takes away an opportunity to build each character as an individual. I'm sure you had an image of both of these characters in your mind as you imagined and wrote the story — try to get that image across to the reader.

I'm going to play with the first one;

"Great, who could that be?" I set the bottle of nail polish on the coffee table a pick up my phone. Seeing it's John, a smile erases the frown brought on by being interrupted. "Hi babe, when did you get back?"

"Hi back to you, I really missed you. But I just walked in and I'm going through my mail. I got an invitation to a party, and I thought of you."

"Hmm, I think I like that you think of me and parties together. What's happening?"

"Yep, I definitely think of you and parties together, even when it's just you and me at the party. But this one is something different. It's actually a charity event at some yuppity yup friends of mine — think rich. You think you'd enjoy going to that with me?"
———

Now, it may just be me; But the use of dialogue makes it more personal and adds more information about the two people involved. It also makes it more immediate, as if the reader is right there living it, not being told about it happening.
————

Going to Chap 9;

Watching on the CCTV I see that Kay is waking up. I get myself ready by changing into a tight red latex mini dress and matching 5" red Louboutin stilettos. I put on a deep red lipstick which compliments my manicured nails. It's been 10 hours since Kay passed out in her cage at the end of the auction.

This too is very much in the telling mode. I do this, then I do this, etc.

Me playing again;

I'm starting to wonder if she might have been pushed too hard. I glance over at the clock — ten hours since she passed out in her cage. The auction ended hours ago.

Finally, the grainy image on the monitor moves. She's waking up! I start taking my clothes off on the way to my closet. Discarded clothes leave a trial behind me — that's what maids are for. The dress I have in mind is easy to find, a bright red latex mixed in with her drab common sisters. I feel a smile come up when my mind connects my opinion of the dresses to myself. Oh well, if you got it, you got it. My mirror tells me I'm right, as usual. Just some matching lipstick ... perfect! Red dress, red fingernails, red lips.
————

Again, this is just another perspective on what is more immersive and intimate. My intent is not to rewrite your story, but to offer a sample of what you could do to personalize your story more if you're so inclined. I'm no more a pro than you — so take what you can use and ignore what isn't your style.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Hi Kay-
I read the first chapter that you posted, and skimmed the first chapter of the series. I think you've already gotten some good feedback about style, so I'm just going to add my two cents (pence) about character.

In reading the first chapter and then skipping to the one you asked for feedback on, I didn't get a sense of why she would go along with what the male character has been suggesting. The set up in the first chapter is that he's just asking her to participate in this fun charity auction. If I remember correctly, their relationship wasn't even that far along when she agreed.

That she goes along with everything that comes next is certainly fine for a story, but let me (as a reader) have some understanding as to why she's willing to. Have some internal monologue that expands on the couple of thoughts you wrote about her being excited. Have some clear moments of doubt, and then something that gives us a reason to buy into her going along with it. I saw a sentence here and there that alluded to that, but I think it'd be more powerful as a story if you expanded on that too.

Oh, and I'm going to agree with EB that you getting into more fetishy details would help the story. People like latex for reasons, and those of us who haven't experienced that don't know them. So show them to us. And I bet, if you do, that the other people who share your love of latex will enjoy the details as well.

Overall, I thought it was an interesting story, but I can't say that it grabbed my attention or made me want to read more. But that's just me, and clearly you've got some new admirers.

 

[ElectricBlue]

...I could get very carried away in the depth of description making it very long !! which might detract from pace of story and be too into the detail of my fetish.

That's the point of a fetish though, isn't it? To get down deep into those delicious details that make you go, "Ooo, fuck!" As Belle says, for those who don't know the fetish, make us want to feel it.

Otherwise it's just a picture in a catalogue. We want you to unwrap the box for us and hear the wrapping paper crinkle, feel the texture of the latex sheath. We want to know how it makes you wet. This is erotica, Kay, not tea with the vicar .

 

[Kay_Evans100]

I agree about Chapter 1. Go through it and tighten it up. Especially with the "had"s. In the first paragraph, the first four can go with a slight re-write.

It begins abruptly because there's nothing to tether "a few months earlier" to. Picking the spot where it turns into Kay's POV, how about: "Kay is waiting for a charity auction in which she agreed to participate to begin, wearing a collar with a red number "10" dangling just above her breast. She was there with John, who she met a few months . . . "

The passivity is much less when chap. 2 begins and the story begins to move. So I suggest tightening it up dramatically in the first chapter, including by making sentences shorter, and then do it less drastically for the rest.

I like it. Gave it a 5 and am now a follower.

Thank you this is exactly the sort of feedback I was looking . for to improve my writing. I guess when I started writing it I just dived straight in to get it going and should have reflected back how that would be for the reader. So great point.

Appreciate you following me. I am now working on a follow up chapter so can re-read that to take this into account.

 

[Kay_Evans100]

That's the point of a fetish though, isn't it? To get down deep into those delicious details that make you go, "Ooo, fuck!" As Belle says, for those who don't know the fetish, make us want to feel it.

Otherwise it's just a picture in a catalogue. We want you to unwrap the box for us and hear the wrapping paper crinkle, feel the texture of the latex sheath. We want to know how it makes you wet. This is erotica, Kay, not tea with the vicar .

Love this comment!!
Get it - so watch out for much more delicious detail for how it makes me and my gf feel in next chapter!

 

[Kay_Evans100]

In each of these instances above, you missed an opportunity for dialogue to make the story more immediate. I'm sure you've heard the; Show don't Tell adage for writing fiction. The failure to take advantage of dialogue takes away an opportunity to build each character as an individual. I'm sure you had an image of both of these characters in your mind as you imagined and wrote the story — try to get that image across to the reader.

I'm going to play with the first one;

"Great, who could that be?" I set the bottle of nail polish on the coffee table a pick up my phone. Seeing it's John, a smile erases the frown brought on by being interrupted. "Hi babe, when did you get back?"

"Hi back to you, I really missed you. But I just walked in and I'm going through my mail. I got an invitation to a party, and I thought of you."

"Hmm, I think I like that you think of me and parties together. What's happening?"

"Yep, I definitely think of you and parties together, even when it's just you and me at the party. But this one is something different. It's actually a charity event at some yuppity yup friends of mine — think rich. You think you'd enjoy going to that with me?"
———

Now, it may just be me; But the use of dialogue makes it more personal and adds more information about the two people involved. It also makes it more immediate, as if the reader is right there living it, not being told about it happening.
————

Going to Chap 9;



This too is very much in the telling mode. I do this, then I do this, etc.

Me playing again;

I'm starting to wonder if she might have been pushed too hard. I glance over at the clock — ten hours since she passed out in her cage. The auction ended hours ago.

Finally, the grainy image on the monitor moves. She's waking up! I start taking my clothes off on the way to my closet. Discarded clothes leave a trial behind me — that's what maids are for. The dress I have in mind is easy to find, a bright red latex mixed in with her drab common sisters. I feel a smile come up when my mind connects my opinion of the dresses to myself. Oh well, if you got it, you got it. My mirror tells me I'm right, as usual. Just some matching lipstick ... perfect! Red dress, red fingernails, red lips.
————

Again, this is just another perspective on what is more immersive and intimate. My intent is not to rewrite your story, but to offer a sample of what you could do to personalize your story more if you're so inclined. I'm no more a pro than you — so take what you can use and ignore what isn't your style.

Really appreciate the detail and ideas you have provided me with here. Definitely is encouraging me to re-write the opening Chapter. When I originally wrote it I was trying to join up a number of individual experiences and needed a framework to put them in so it was more of a simple way of creating a bit of structure to get to what I wanted to describe. But you are right I should now colour in those sections to make it more a complete story that hangs together for the reader from the start

Thank you - really appreciate the time you took - this is what I was looking for.

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Hi Kay-
I read the first chapter that you posted, and skimmed the first chapter of the series. I think you've already gotten some good feedback about style, so I'm just going to add my two cents (pence) about character.

In reading the first chapter and then skipping to the one you asked for feedback on, I didn't get a sense of why she would go along with what the male character has been suggesting. The set up in the first chapter is that he's just asking her to participate in this fun charity auction. If I remember correctly, their relationship wasn't even that far along when she agreed.

That she goes along with everything that comes next is certainly fine for a story, but let me (as a reader) have some understanding as to why she's willing to. Have some internal monologue that expands on the couple of thoughts you wrote about her being excited. Have some clear moments of doubt, and then something that gives us a reason to buy into her going along with it. I saw a sentence here and there that alluded to that, but I think it'd be more powerful as a story if you expanded on that too.

Oh, and I'm going to agree with EB that you getting into more fetishy details would help the story. People like latex for reasons, and those of us who haven't experienced that don't know them. So show them to us. And I bet, if you do, that the other people who share your love of latex will enjoy the details as well.

Overall, I thought it was an interesting story, but I can't say that it grabbed my attention or made me want to read more. But that's just me, and clearly you've got some new admirers.

Thank you so much
Yes i can see this clearly now

 

[JPGmvny]

Thank you this is exactly the sort of feedback I was looking . for to improve my writing. I guess when I started writing it I just dived straight in to get it going and should have reflected back how that would be for the reader. So great point.

Appreciate you following me. I am now working on a follow up chapter so can re-read that to take this into account.

Also, run the story through (free) Grammarly. It'll pick up some loose things. Don't be tempted that it'll catch them all. I made that mistake once.

 

[yukonnights]

Really appreciate the detail and ideas you have provided me with here. Definitely is encouraging me to re-write the opening Chapter. When I originally wrote it I was trying to join up a number of individual experiences and needed a framework to put them in so it was more of a simple way of creating a bit of structure to get to what I wanted to describe. But you are right I should now colour in those sections to make it more a complete story that hangs together for the reader from the start

Thank you - really appreciate the time you took - this is what I was looking for.

There's many who write here who often suggest that it may be time and energy better spent to write your next story or chapter. There is some validity to that. You've already connected with those who are following the story. Editing the first parts won't draw many new eyes (edits do not go to the new story list).

Another thing is; It might be stifling to your creativity to go back and "correct your homework". We've all learned and changed how we write over time. Just a thought, 'cause I'd hate to see you get bogged down in a rewrite. Maybe just play with some of the ideas folks have suggested as you go forward. Your call, of course.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There's many who write here who often suggest that it may be time and energy better spent to write your next story or chapter. There is some validity to that. You've already connected with those who are following the story. Editing the first parts won't draw many new eyes (edits do not go to the new story list).

Absolutely. Writing the next one = two stories up. Futzing with the first one = one story, futzed with, but nobody knows but you. You'll learn far more writing another one.

I reckon you need ten or so stories or chapters, maybe a 100k words, to really find your style, to learn the essentials. Once you've got that apprenticeship done, that's when you find yourself as a writer and really start to write. Give yourself time to find your strengths, then use those strengths as your foundation. If you do it right, the shoulders of the giants you stand on are your own.

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Absolutely. Writing the next one = two stories up. Futzing with the first one = one story, futzed with, but nobody knows but you. You'll learn far more writing another one.

I reckon you need ten or so stories or chapters, maybe a 100k words, to really find your style, to learn the essentials. Once you've got that apprenticeship done, that's when you find yourself as a writer and really start to write. Give yourself time to find your strengths, then use those strengths as your foundation. If you do it right, the shoulders of the giants you stand on are your own.

LOL not sure I have that much in me, but I will move forward to next story/chapter and see if that comes out better for all your useful hints and tips!!

 

[Kay_Evans100]

There's many who write here who often suggest that it may be time and energy better spent to write your next story or chapter. There is some validity to that. You've already connected with those who are following the story. Editing the first parts won't draw many new eyes (edits do not go to the new story list).

Another thing is; It might be stifling to your creativity to go back and "correct your homework". We've all learned and changed how we write over time. Just a thought, 'cause I'd hate to see you get bogged down in a rewrite. Maybe just play with some of the ideas folks have suggested as you go forward. Your call, of course.

Thanks that is what I will do

 

[BelleCanzuto]

LOL not sure I have that much in me

I thought that too. Next thing I knew I'd written a 20K word story, a bunch of shorter ones, and I'm working on a 35K word, 40K, word and one that's currently 60K and only about half done. When the ideas come they come. Don't be afraid to write longer things, use as many words as your ideas demand.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I thought that too. Next thing I knew I'd written a 20K word story, a bunch of shorter ones, and I'm working on a 35K word, 40K, word and one that's currently 60K and only about half done. When the ideas come they come. Don't be afraid to write longer things, use as many words as your ideas demand.

See, once the muse is unleashed, there's no stopping it. Given time, you'll have a million words up (like me), and given more time, ten million or more (like KeithD over there ------>). Not all the same story though .

 

[Kay_Evans100]

Thank you for the encouragement.

I have started a new Chapter taking on board the various constructive comments made. it might be quite long judging by how it is going.

I was going to stop the story at Chapter 9 but positive feedback has encouraged me to spend time developing it. More challenging now as not writing it using my actual experiences.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you for the encouragement.

I have started a new Chapter taking on board the various constructive comments made. it might be quite long judging by how it is going.

I was going to stop the story at Chapter 9 but positive feedback has encouraged me to spend time developing it. More challenging now as not writing it using my actual experiences.

At least you have actual experiences. Just as encouragement; When I write, I "become" the character I'm writing. You do to, maybe just haven't realized it yet. Try to sit in their seat, drive their car, see what they see, and feel what they feel.

For me this comes easy, I don't know why. But if you can begin to do this, I think eventually it will be easy for you too. Really, what percentage of fiction was ever actual experiences of the author? Imagine ... and write what you see. (do research to make sure the technical details of the imagined thing are believable enough to fly)

 

[Kay_Evans100]

At least you have actual experiences. Just as encouragement; When I write, I "become" the character I'm writing. You do to, maybe just haven't realized it yet. Try to sit in their seat, drive their car, see what they see, and feel what they feel.

For me this comes easy, I don't know why. But if you can begin to do this, I think eventually it will be easy for you too. Really, what percentage of fiction was ever actual experiences of the author? Imagine ... and write what you see. (do research to make sure the technical details of the imagined thing are believable enough to fly)

I know what you mean but I haven't had to do research as such before and that has made doing what you say relatively easy because it almost pours out faster than I can write it down!

Not sure where I am going to research for next section or indeed what on earth I will find!

 

[Kay_Evans100]

So I have just posted a new chapter to my Charity Slave Auction series

https://www.literotica.com/s/charity-slave-auction-ch-09

Hopefully I have taken on board some of the positive and constructive feedback you provided but as ever welcome comments on whether you enjoy it or are they things I make even better.

Clearly this is now part of a multi-part story with even more to come.