Sexless Marriages
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DADDYLOVER3
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do you want more with husband and another person?
HampshireBoy
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Off topic I know.
I have a good friend, whom I was a lot closer to before I started dating my wife who does not enjoy PIV at all. For clarity I was single when being intimate with this lady and stopped once we started dating.
This lady is really sensitive "inside" and had some inconsiderate lovers, so she used to tense up if anyone tried to penetrate her. Now post-menopause she has vaginal dryness, due to reduced oestrogen, which adds to the uncomfortableness.
However that doesn't mean that she doesn't want and need intimacy, and there are many other ways to pleasure each other beyond kissing and cuddling.
Unfortunately since we have stopped she has struggled to find another man who understands, they all seem to want to rush from kissing to PIV.
HampshireBoy
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With my first marriage, which became a once a month sex marriage rather than sexless. It wasn't medical, just tiredness with kids/work, body image (no longer feeling desirable), falling out of love and both of us drifting apart. The good thing is my ex-wife never felt the need to fake it (so she has assured me), sometimes "it" just didn't happen - wrong angle, tiredness, or just one of those things. I'll be honest, she never wanted to talk about lack of sex at the time and has only really opened up a few years after we divorced and I never really knew how to open the dicussion up without it sounding like a complaint or accusation.
As always communications is key, but that takes two of you and "communication" means listening and responding not just talking at your partner
I know couples whom have worked through lack of sex, stayed together and made it work - some their sex life has recovered post talking and/or post kids growing up, others have found a way that works for them.
I also have a couple of mates who (normally after a few beers) sound off about never getting "any", I get the feeling that the couples just don't discuss it.
On the other side my wife has a couple of married friends whom moan about how rarely their husband tries to make love to them and how they always have to initiate.
This isn't intended as a criticism of anyone, just a ramble really.
professor28036
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Exactly this. The very last thing I need is guilt heaped atop everything I’m already struggling to deal with. And, speaking from experience, it devastates me that my desire has left. Thanks cancer!
professor28036
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Off topic I know.
I have a good friend, whom I was a lot closer to before I started dating my wife who does not enjoy PIV at all. For clarity I was single when being intimate with this lady and stopped once we started dating.
This lady is really sensitive "inside" and had some inconsiderate lovers, so she used to tense up if anyone tried to penetrate her. Now post-menopause she has vaginal dryness, due to reduced oestrogen, which adds to the uncomfortableness.
However that doesn't mean that she doesn't want and need intimacy, and there are many other ways to pleasure each other beyond kissing and cuddling.
Unfortunately since we have stopped she has struggled to find another man who understands, they all seem to want to rush from kissing to PIV.
Send her my way. While cancer/chemo has killed my libido, it hasn’t killed my desire for intimacy and affection. I still have this intense need to please even if it’s not PIV
DADDYLOVER3
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blessed to have a husband who pleased his wife as much as he can!
ccs29745
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Surprisingly, divorce had never come up. Wife would fair better than me since her mom lives close, but she has more debt than I do.
AllenWmsUSA
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It doesn't matter who has more debt, if it occurred during the marriage, its split 50/50.
If she's disabled, you're screwed big time. They want leave a man enough to even live on...
DADDYLOVER3
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no disrespect but that is why I stay single!
I now have permission from my wife to look for sex outside our marriage. I've yet to try it. There was a time when I would have looked online, but I just have no faith in the internet anymore. My plan is to start working out more and regularly, in that maybe I'll meet someone that way. (and if I don't, at least I will be in better shape)
DADDYLOVER3
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good if you wife doesn’t want to take care of your needs there are other ladies who will!
ccs29745
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Online, you not sure if it is the person yipeee talking to or a bot sometimes. Got 2 co- workers who have found fwb at the gym. They seem happy. Not sure their wives know though.
DADDYLOVER3
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if the other wife’s don’t know that why don’t you tell them and see what they say?
HampshireBoy
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Only you and your wife can know how you each may deal with reality rather than fantasy. There are some people who have given permission but can't seem to cope with it actually happening. Working out is a good approach, in that whatever happens it is better for you. Online there do seem to be a lot of people pretending to be something they are not, but perhaps it is safer?
Best of luck, you have one life and everyone deserves a chance to be happy.
Vitriolhack
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How did the conversation with your wife about seeing others come up? Did she selflessly “let you” have another sexual partner or was it a negotiation?
AnnieLit
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I don't know about you, but if I am not sure if that's a real person I am talking to, I just stop talking and move on. I am yet to encounter a bot good enough to hold my interest for more than a couple messages.
AnnieLit
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OK, here is my take on online vs gym: online is both safer AND more effective.
Believe it or not, but most women come to gym to work out. They are not looking for romance, they are not looking for sex, they want to exercise and then get on with their day. A smile and a "hi" are fine, but anything else...
On the other hand online you are not talking to a random woman, you are talking to somebody that came to that specific site. So you know that she is looking. You still need to find out if it is you she is looking for, but at least she is looking.
Yes, there are tons of scammers looking for money, looking for any personal information, few (many?) female accounts are actually run by men having fun, etc. but there are real women too. So yes, you have to be careful, but it is not that hard.
Good luck!
Lost_Yonder
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What she says!
It actually starts to get creepy watching married men trying to flirt with other women in public... Online takes time and some strategy to be able to weed out that which you are not looking for, but in my experience, most women online are pretty straight forward with what they are seeking - be it money, an affair, long term/short term, whatever. It's the men that seem to be greater masters of veiling their intents and realities - many married men pretending to be single being just the tip of the iceberg...
Whatever the situation in which you seek - explore, chat, be honest with yourself, your spouse, and the woman you are potentially connecting with.
Good luck and have fun!
Acktion
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I met the perfect woman for me. I was afflicted with satyrnalia and her with nymphomania. It was not at all uncommon for me to cum six or seven times per night, and we didn't keep track of hers since it was around ten or so to one. We didn't do much else when we were both off work other than sleep, and probably not enough of that. There wasn't time for much else.
Time went on, as it has a tendency to do.
And there were problems with ovarian cysts. And the even more painful ruptured ovarian cysts when all we could do was lie with her snuggled up behind me to use my butt for a heating pad. Eventually, there was a full hysterectomy. However, we were one of the lucky couples and it didn't curb her desire, nor ability for full sexual expressions of our love and intimacy.
No, that took a hole in her spinal cord rubbed by her vertebrae that leaked out spinal fluid causing her to be virtually bedridden. For the last several years of her life, she was unable... not unwilling, but unable... to endure that sexual expression of our love. The last time we tried, about two months before she died, was her idea, but we had to stop. And I held her as she cried and tried to reassure her that she was still a woman, that she was still THE woman for me.
As I mentioned, she died. Two and a half years ago.
Will I go through that with anyone else?
Nope.
Oh, we can be friends. But, you know what? I can be friends with guys and gals that I'm not fucking. I have always been able to. But, when it comes down to crunch time, I'm always going to go with the girl who lets me fuck her as my priority. It's as simple as that. And I think I've been pretty clear (when I was still on the market) that "if you don't think you can keep up, then you probably shouldn't step up."
And yet still I had women step into the batter's box that... I don't know if they didn't believe me or what. But, once every few months just isn't going to cut it. Once every few weeks either. Once per day... I might scale down to. Maybe. But, if they weren't willing to do that, then we didn't need to cross that rubicon into sex at all and they could just stay friends and understand that when I found someone who did want to fuck and be fucked, then they were just gonna have to make do with what time I can spare for them when I'm not otherwise occupied with someone who can (and wants) to keep up with me and what I can do to, with, and for her.
***shrug***
It's not that I don't hear what AnnieLit is saying. I do. Hell, I lived it for several years. But, and I think this is important, with a woman I had a history with. Two and a half decades before she skipped off of this plane of existence (without my permission, damn it).
On the other side of the coin, if I was refused three times when I was "feeling feisty" as she phrased it, then it was on her to tell me when since I had better things to do than plan failed seductions.
And, I'm no angel. Not by a long shot. I had three affairs while we were married. Hell, when we met I was engaged to a girl who couldn't keep up with me and she was married to a man who couldn't keep up with her.
However, if a woman knows that she has a problem with sex and just wants intimacy with no sex, then she needs to be straight up about it from the start. And understand that I have my own needs just as she has hers. And if our needs are incompatible, then she should never have made intimations of promises she never intended to keep. And understand that I'm gonna wander off to have my needs met with someone who does want me and accepts me just as I am, but I'll drop her a line when I pause for a breather.
Fortunately, that isn't an issue for me anymore. And as such, I probably had no business typing this here. But, I didn't do it to stick my thumbs in my ears and stick out my tongue at anybody. It is an issue, on both sides of such a marriage. I know because I lived it. As the one in need. And as one who others used (and abused) in their need and then discarded when I got to be too much for them to handle. And I think only the ones involved in such a relationship can determine just what they can endure and what they can't.
Time went on, as it has a tendency to do.
And there were problems with ovarian cysts. And the even more painful ruptured ovarian cysts when all we could do was lie with her snuggled up behind me to use my butt for a heating pad. Eventually, there was a full hysterectomy. However, we were one of the lucky couples and it didn't curb her desire, nor ability for full sexual expressions of our love and intimacy.
No, that took a hole in her spinal cord rubbed by her vertebrae that leaked out spinal fluid causing her to be virtually bedridden. For the last several years of her life, she was unable... not unwilling, but unable... to endure that sexual expression of our love. The last time we tried, about two months before she died, was her idea, but we had to stop. And I held her as she cried and tried to reassure her that she was still a woman, that she was still THE woman for me.
As I mentioned, she died. Two and a half years ago.
Will I go through that with anyone else?
Nope.
Oh, we can be friends. But, you know what? I can be friends with guys and gals that I'm not fucking. I have always been able to. But, when it comes down to crunch time, I'm always going to go with the girl who lets me fuck her as my priority. It's as simple as that. And I think I've been pretty clear (when I was still on the market) that "if you don't think you can keep up, then you probably shouldn't step up."
And yet still I had women step into the batter's box that... I don't know if they didn't believe me or what. But, once every few months just isn't going to cut it. Once every few weeks either. Once per day... I might scale down to. Maybe. But, if they weren't willing to do that, then we didn't need to cross that rubicon into sex at all and they could just stay friends and understand that when I found someone who did want to fuck and be fucked, then they were just gonna have to make do with what time I can spare for them when I'm not otherwise occupied with someone who can (and wants) to keep up with me and what I can do to, with, and for her.
***shrug***
It's not that I don't hear what AnnieLit is saying. I do. Hell, I lived it for several years. But, and I think this is important, with a woman I had a history with. Two and a half decades before she skipped off of this plane of existence (without my permission, damn it).
On the other side of the coin, if I was refused three times when I was "feeling feisty" as she phrased it, then it was on her to tell me when since I had better things to do than plan failed seductions.
And, I'm no angel. Not by a long shot. I had three affairs while we were married. Hell, when we met I was engaged to a girl who couldn't keep up with me and she was married to a man who couldn't keep up with her.
However, if a woman knows that she has a problem with sex and just wants intimacy with no sex, then she needs to be straight up about it from the start. And understand that I have my own needs just as she has hers. And if our needs are incompatible, then she should never have made intimations of promises she never intended to keep. And understand that I'm gonna wander off to have my needs met with someone who does want me and accepts me just as I am, but I'll drop her a line when I pause for a breather.
Fortunately, that isn't an issue for me anymore. And as such, I probably had no business typing this here. But, I didn't do it to stick my thumbs in my ears and stick out my tongue at anybody. It is an issue, on both sides of such a marriage. I know because I lived it. As the one in need. And as one who others used (and abused) in their need and then discarded when I got to be too much for them to handle. And I think only the ones involved in such a relationship can determine just what they can endure and what they can't.
AnnieLit
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LOL! How old are you and how old is your marriage?
As a reference point: I am getting close to 50, been married for 25 years and we've been together for another 4 before that. I am guessing that this almost 30 y.o. relationship is a bit older than you are, otherwise you would know that people can change with time.
Thanks for saying Annie.
Myself, been married 33 years, together 35 and sex was good up until about the 20th anniversary.
Then got less and less till it she stopped altogether 10 years ago.
I had a talk with my counselor about our marriage, and her suggestion was to shake things up and see what happened. We're now looking at maybe opening our marriage a bit. She was able to have fun with a bf without me getting jealous, so we're waiting on me to have fun with a gf to make sure she doesn't come unglued at that before we go public.
