The Ups and Downs of Top and bottoms ↕️

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Generally speaking....

What things do you love in a Top, your Dom, or a good lil subby? What do you think no one should ever do!

The good, the bad, the ugly. Maybe newbies can learn and the oldies can change!




ETA: This is a thread meant to inspire conversation so if we could keep things like -

*"I love it when he makes me cum 1 billion times like he did this morning."
OR
*"I LOVE SPANKING ALL ASSES!"
OR
*<any random, unrelated gif>

To a minimum that would be amazing!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Generally speaking, I cant stand a Dom who can't be a Dom/Top unless he's being continuously worshipped and admired. The whole dynamic must be focused on him at all times or else he feels like less of Dom.

I have less personal experience with this type of person though I do have some and I've heard about LOTS buy if it's not give and take of care of power, not just a demanding, I don't see the appeal.

Don't get me wrong, I love to serve and to worship and to make him the center of my world and make sure his every need is met to the best of my ability. But only because he deserves that from me... not demands it from me.

 

[BadAmy]

Generally speaking....

What things do you love in a Top, your Dom, or a good lil subby? What do you think no one should ever do!

The good, the bad, the ugly. Maybe newbies can learn and the oldies can change!




ETA: This is a thread meant to inspire conversation so if we could keep things like -

*"I love it when he makes me cum 1 billion times like he did this morning."
OR
*"I LOVE SPANKING ALL ASSES!"
OR
*<any random, unrelated gif>

To a minimum that would be amazing!

Oooh yummy thread

Specifics are best, generalizing may be too general.
I find my D to have a vested interest in everything about me. Knowing so much that his choices for me are rooted in forethought and expert understanding of his subject.
He anticipates things, and meets needs and does what's best for me and us.
Also, he asks questions to dig to the root of a situation or problem. And takes his time in uncovering data to draw his conclusions.
His enforcement of rules and rituals are there to keep me connected and in a focused state. Sometimes its all i have to pull me through a rough patch.
It's a level of relationship that I thrive upon. More than lovers, unequal but balanced.
My beef is with my own impatience, of which he can attest. I want it now. Decide now. Hit now. Fuck now.
He...has the patience of a saint.
I admire that. Makes me a bit whiteshoesandbananas, but then i bought the ticket...imma gonna take the trip

 

[Blase]

I like it when a submissive actually takes the D/s aspect of the relationship seriously. I run into a lot of girls who are really looking more for a guide to help them explore their sexuality than a Dom, and it tends to complicate and slow things down, even though there is often a lot of fun to be had in a situation like that.

 

[SissySalina]

D/s relationships like all others are based on Trust and Communication. It is a relationship that is beneficial and enjoyable to both parties. The Dom is a Provider and Protector of the sub, if not the relationship will be one-sided and not last long. It works best if both parties are open and truthful to each other, this gives both parties and idea how the other will react to a given situation. The Dom wants the sub to be comfortable in the situation so the sub will accept whatever the Dom wants the sub to do, this can only be done with a high level of trust. The Dom is in control and the sub must feel safe in providing the Dom with whatever the Dom wishes. Therefore the sub must feel that the Dom has the subs best interest in heart all the time. There needs to be a basic “law of understanding” between the Dom and sub which sets limits, this is different with each relationship, it sets the maximum limits allowed in the relationship and can be changed as the relationship grows.
As the relationship grows the thing that evolves is the need to keep each other happy, the biggest happy feeling is serving the needs of the Dom, and this is not limited to sexual things. Sometimes the biggest happy feeling comes from the smallest thing, like cooking and cleaning for the Dom, making sure all the needs of the Dom are taken care of. And the Dom’s greatest feeling is from making sure the sub has a structured and secure life. This comes from the discipline provided by the Dom which is very necessary to the sub in order to feel secure in the relationship, in a large way this demonstrates to the sub that the Dom does care and seeks to protect the sub even if it is from the subs own vices.

This is the opinion of a sissy.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Generally speaking....

What things do you love in a Top, your Dom, or a good lil subby? What do you think no one should ever do!

The good, the bad, the ugly. Maybe newbies can learn and the oldies can change!




ETA: This is a thread meant to inspire conversation so if we could keep things like -

*"I love it when he makes me cum 1 billion times like he did this morning."
OR
*"I LOVE SPANKING ALL ASSES!"
OR
*<any random, unrelated gif>

To a minimum that would be amazing!

I'm in a little different place. I am not part of a 24/7 D/s relationship. For us it is strictly play in the bedroom. Well, in whatever room, but lately circumstances dictate "bedroom". Outside, we are an equal couple, supporting and relying on each other as needed. In the bedroom she is a total submissive. When I hear the words "tie me up" or "I'm all yours; do as you please", it sets the tone. It says "I trust you to give us both pleasure". That applies even if she is specifically giving me pleasure.

Its all a matter of her trusting me and me never abusing that trust. That's the real power exchange. (Of course, I realize that the sub has the real power in this power exchange. Always.)

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

D/s relationships like all others are based on Trust and Communication. It is a relationship that is beneficial and enjoyable to both parties. The Dom is a Provider and Protector of the sub, if not the relationship will be one-sided and not last long. It works best if both parties are open and truthful to each other, this gives both parties and idea how the other will react to a given situation. The Dom wants the sub to be comfortable in the situation so the sub will accept whatever the Dom wants the sub to do, this can only be done with a high level of trust. The Dom is in control and the sub must feel safe in providing the Dom with whatever the Dom wishes. Therefore the sub must feel that the Dom has the subs best interest in heart all the time. There needs to be a basic “law of understanding” between the Dom and sub which sets limits, this is different with each relationship, it sets the maximum limits allowed in the relationship and can be changed as the relationship grows.
As the relationship grows the thing that evolves is the need to keep each other happy, the biggest happy feeling is serving the needs of the Dom, and this is not limited to sexual things. Sometimes the biggest happy feeling comes from the smallest thing, like cooking and cleaning for the Dom, making sure all the needs of the Dom are taken care of. And the Dom’s greatest feeling is from making sure the sub has a structured and secure life. This comes from the discipline provided by the Dom which is very necessary to the sub in order to feel secure in the relationship, in a large way this demonstrates to the sub that the Dom does care and seeks to protect the sub even if it is from the subs own vices.

This is the opinion of a sissy.

Wow. That is very deep. And I see "trust" underlying this. I think that MUST be the basis of and D/s relationship, no matter the level (see above).

 

[cookiecat]

I'm struggling a bit with the notion a Dom must be the one who gets me focused, sets my tone, gets inside my head and figures me out, creates the rules.

Where does my accountability as a grown up come in? This is my "down" side question about submission.

This is solely due to my personal experience. For those of you who know my history, I have described myself as a "hot mess" - a girl who was thrilled to discover there are guys out there who enjoy being a disciplinarian, a hot mess puzzle solver. Guys who get off on setting rules and enforcing them.

In my early days of D/s, I did struggle with wondering whether I wanted to be absolved of responsibility or if this power exchange could be something more. Something beneficial. My hot mess status wasn't this monumental flaw. I could be in a relationship who saw this as just part of who I was and enjoyed helping me out in a fun, kinky, focused way.

But the rug was pulled out from under me and my D/s relationship. I had to be focused without his help. I HAD to be large and in charge. Suddenly there were no rules. I floundered because I relied so heavily on his input. I saw myself through his lens. It was the most hollow feeling.

I had wrapped myself up so tightly in his structure that once it was ripped away, I was no longer grounded. It scared the fuck out of me and it took some doing to get back to just ME.

So now I'm back to square one. Maybe square negative ten?

Submission is part of me. I like it. I crave it and I'm better for it in my life. But.... the big but....

Relying to much on one person to provide me with my "adulting" scares me. Where does my responsibility for myself begin, how much do I want to give up to one person?

I want that D/s back in my life. Am I willing to submit?

 

[barefootgirl69]

I'm struggling a bit with the notion a Dom must be the one who gets me focused, sets my tone, gets inside my head and figures me out, creates the rules.

Where does my accountability as a grown up come in? This is my "down" side question about submission.

This is solely due to my personal experience. For those of you who know my history, I have described myself as a "hot mess" - a girl who was thrilled to discover there are guys out there who enjoy being a disciplinarian, a hot mess puzzle solver. Guys who get off on setting rules and enforcing them.

In my early days of D/s, I did struggle with wondering whether I wanted to be absolved of responsibility or if this power exchange could be something more. Something beneficial. My hot mess status wasn't this monumental flaw. I could be in a relationship who saw this as just part of who I was and enjoyed helping me out in a fun, kinky, focused way.

But the rug was pulled out from under me and my D/s relationship. I had to be focused without his help. I HAD to be large and in charge. Suddenly there were no rules. I floundered because I relied so heavily on his input. I saw myself through his lens. It was the most hollow feeling.

I had wrapped myself up so tightly in his structure that once it was ripped away, I was no longer grounded. It scared the fuck out of me and it took some doing to get back to just ME.

So now I'm back to square one. Maybe square negative ten?

Submission is part of me. I like it. I crave it and I'm better for it in my life. But.... the big but....

Relying to much on one person to provide me with my "adulting" scares me. Where does my responsibility for myself begin, how much do I want to give up to one person?

I want that D/s back in my life. Am I willing to submit?

Relying on anyone like that whether D/s or not can be scary, especially when you find yourself outside of that relationship, for whatever reason.

What I have seen, learned, been a part of is that there needs to be teaching how to be self-reliant. It became a requirement. There was a Dom who came alongside me to teach me how to deal with the fallout of my divorce with a narcissist. One who taught me to be stronger (i.e. he really made me practice how to say 'fuck off' like I meant it, in a bigger voice).

Yes, I still want a Dom to guide, to soothe, to expect...but, I want him to also remind me to be self-sufficient and remember to love myself (I should buy pretty things because I am worth it - Bear).

I admire you, Cookie...you open yourself here and I think you're amazing.

 

[sally_sparrow]

I'm struggling a bit with the notion a Dom must be the one who gets me focused, sets my tone, gets inside my head and figures me out, creates the rules.

Where does my accountability as a grown up come in? This is my "down" side question about submission.

This is solely due to my personal experience. For those of you who know my history, I have described myself as a "hot mess" - a girl who was thrilled to discover there are guys out there who enjoy being a disciplinarian, a hot mess puzzle solver. Guys who get off on setting rules and enforcing them.

In my early days of D/s, I did struggle with wondering whether I wanted to be absolved of responsibility or if this power exchange could be something more. Something beneficial. My hot mess status wasn't this monumental flaw. I could be in a relationship who saw this as just part of who I was and enjoyed helping me out in a fun, kinky, focused way.

But the rug was pulled out from under me and my D/s relationship. I had to be focused without his help. I HAD to be large and in charge. Suddenly there were no rules. I floundered because I relied so heavily on his input. I saw myself through his lens. It was the most hollow feeling.

I had wrapped myself up so tightly in his structure that once it was ripped away, I was no longer grounded. It scared the fuck out of me and it took some doing to get back to just ME.

So now I'm back to square one. Maybe square negative ten?

Submission is part of me. I like it. I crave it and I'm better for it in my life. But.... the big but....

Relying to much on one person to provide me with my "adulting" scares me. Where does my responsibility for myself begin, how much do I want to give up to one person?

I want that D/s back in my life. Am I willing to submit?

Cookie, what you described sounds very much like me, and I cannot thank you enough for saying these words in this thread. I really admire that.

 

[Bluebird369]

Likes dislikes

Deleted

 

[Lothario1956]

my Stepbrother and i have so much trust and honesty with e/Each O/other
i know i can talk to Him about everything
even about fantasies that are about a limit of His because He knows i need to word it to deal with it

sir Lothario is quite close to that too

Trust is paramount in any relationship, but especially in D/s

 

[cookiecat]

Relying on anyone like that whether D/s or not can be scary, especially when you find yourself outside of that relationship, for whatever reason.

What I have seen, learned, been a part of is that there needs to be teaching how to be self-reliant. It became a requirement. There was a Dom who came alongside me to teach me how to deal with the fallout of my divorce with a narcissist. One who taught me to be stronger (i.e. he really made me practice how to say 'fuck off' like I meant it, in a bigger voice).

Yes, I still want a Dom to guide, to soothe, to expect...but, I want him to also remind me to be self-sufficient and remember to love myself (I should buy pretty things because I am worth it - Bear).

I admire you, Cookie...you open yourself here and I think you're amazing.

Cookie, what you described sounds very much like me, and I cannot thank you enough for saying these words in this thread. I really admire that.

Thanks.

Overall, I think I'm self reliant. It's how the world works, right? We all have to figure out how to live in it. Sometimes it just takes me a little longer to get it right when left to my own devices.

Finding the balance.

 

[Cumlover999]

Post removed

 

[Lothario1956]

In my day to day life I really am self reliant.
I feel like I'm very new to this even if it sometimes feels like He has known me all my life.

The thing I like best about it is that I have this place where I know I can be myself, where I feel free to show Him every side of me without being scared of being laughed at or shamed.
I feel protected and safe.
That is also what makes it possible for me to serve Him and His needs.
If I ever felt like it was one sided or He did not have my safety as His priority I guess I would not feel like a submissive anymore.
The feeling I get when He orders me to do something is a very new feeling that I didn't even knew I needed, and that I love more than anything.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I'm struggling a bit with the notion a Dom must be the one who gets me focused, sets my tone, gets inside my head and figures me out, creates the rules.

Where does my accountability as a grown up come in? This is my "down" side question about submission.

This is solely due to my personal experience. For those of you who know my history, I have described myself as a "hot mess" - a girl who was thrilled to discover there are guys out there who enjoy being a disciplinarian, a hot mess puzzle solver. Guys who get off on setting rules and enforcing them.

In my early days of D/s, I did struggle with wondering whether I wanted to be absolved of responsibility or if this power exchange could be something more. Something beneficial. My hot mess status wasn't this monumental flaw. I could be in a relationship who saw this as just part of who I was and enjoyed helping me out in a fun, kinky, focused way.

But the rug was pulled out from under me and my D/s relationship. I had to be focused without his help. I HAD to be large and in charge. Suddenly there were no rules. I floundered because I relied so heavily on his input. I saw myself through his lens. It was the most hollow feeling.

I had wrapped myself up so tightly in his structure that once it was ripped away, I was no longer grounded. It scared the fuck out of me and it took some doing to get back to just ME.

So now I'm back to square one. Maybe square negative ten?

Submission is part of me. I like it. I crave it and I'm better for it in my life. But.... the big but....

Relying to much on one person to provide me with my "adulting" scares me. Where does my responsibility for myself begin, how much do I want to give up to one person?

I want that D/s back in my life. Am I willing to submit?

This is so beautifully put. I don't say it enough and I'm not sure I could ever say it right but you have inspired me so much. Not just as a sub or bottom but as a human whose life is tied to another human's...and all that entails.

Loving someone... submitting to them... is so much more than kneeling and fucking and obeying.

You say you've floundered and, Cookie, how could you not?? But you've survived and you're trying and that's pretty goddamned remarkable. I know the right guy, top, Dom whatever will find you pretty remarkable too. (And then make you kneel and fuck your mouth... naturally )

Thank you for always being so open and authentic.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

The Ups...

Someone intelligent and thoughtful enough to discuss the psychology of what our kinks mean. Armed with that knowledge, kink is so much more significant. (I can do x because it will remind her of y. If I saw refuse this it will piss him off because it reminds him of x.)

I've said it before but crawling around in someone's head and having them in yours is so unspeakably sexy and satisfying... grr.