Feedback needed for the second part of my imfian story

[sweetdreamssss]

I finally wrote the second part of my story after 4 years.

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-landlord-vs-the-tenant-girls-pt-02

The first part was initially taken down over plaigarism until i convinced them that i was the author to the original story.

Feedback and any suggestions welcomed..

 

[LesDesirable]

The story is probably good enough, but I found the many errors in grammar, tense, and word usage to be distracting enough that I did not enjoy the read. I was constantly reviewing sentences that were slightly off, or misplaced, or just not quite right. A good edit to make this tale tighter and to clean up the tense and grammar errors would be appreciated.

 

[sweetdreamssss]

The story is probably good enough, but I found the many errors in grammar, tense, and word usage to be distracting enough that I did not enjoy the read. I was constantly reviewing sentences that were slightly off, or misplaced, or just not quite right. A good edit to make this tale tighter and to clean up the tense and grammar errors would be appreciated.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm trying to improve as English is not my first language

 

[LesDesirable]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm trying to improve as English is not my first language

That you are not a native speaker is apparent in the writing, and is also why you should seek an editor for grammar and word usage. I think you have good story ideas, good settings, and a fair feel for pace and action, but that is lost to the reader because of the technical problems with the language.