Sexless Marriages

[Lissy_Lou]

Got my first adult contact in almost a year today when a giant reindeer hugged me twice. I am so fecking tired of my sexless, touchless life

 

[Vitriolhack]

Got my first adult contact in almost a year today when a giant reindeer hugged me twice. I am so fecking tired of my sexless, touchless life

Here is your second ((((lissy_Lou)))) virtual hugs.

 

[dreamyjane]

Sounds like you made real efforts and I am glad to know you had a nice time together! I don't know when was the last time we used tea-candles or played cards together, well, we don't really play cards, maybe just special occasion with kids or friends. Anyway, nice idea

Yea, the same here. Sometimes it is bleak (for me) and other times it is good.

We both had a good evening yesterday. The best in a long time. I guess the stars just lined up.

First, a neighbor asked if my son wanted to come over and play with their son. So, off he went for a few hours.

Wife came home (I told her that son was across the street.). I had supper ready (as usual), but dressed it up with dim lighting and a couple tea-candles. Everything else normal.

After supper, I showed her a pack of cards that I bought ("Foundations" from Amazon). She was interested, so we went through some cards, agreeing to stop if we got angry or to be free to not answer a question.

We went through about 10 cards. The questions seem to draw both in to a good and sometimes deep conversation. We learned things about the other and also you learn/re-learn things about yourself. The questions are not really about sex (so far), but could lead to it in the discussion after the question. I would highly recommend these cards, at the least research them on Amazon. (I wanted to get "Sexpectations", but they do not get shipped to Germany yet. Nevertheless, "Foundations" card set is good.)

Picked up son afterwards. Later got him off to bed. Then us.

When wife came to bed, she saw that I had put out a bunch of tea-light candles in the bedroom. (battery powered ) I could tell that the talking we did earlier had loosened her up. Rather than her undress and get into bed, we each took turns undressing each other, 1 piece of clothing at a time, and kissing or caressing the other afterwards. It was very sensual and led to a very pleasurable time for us afterwards.

So, the cards helped. Maybe some of you could try them too? Of course, it might be crappy in another week, but I would like to cross my fingers on that.

 

[Mtnmike]

Thank you all for your comments. Not speaking for just me but for all, it is a rough situation when a spouse or significant other shows no physical interest in you. It definitely makes you feel less than worthy of attention from anyone.

Kimberly gets it, that's exactly how I feel now. Been so long that I just don't feel worthy. Thank You for saying what I'm feeling

 

[AnnieLit]

Thank you all for your comments. Not speaking for just me but for all, it is a rough situation when a spouse or significant other shows no physical interest in you. It definitely makes you feel less than worthy of attention from anyone.

First role playing in the chat rooms here on Lit and later couple online connections with the litsers helped me a LOT with that. Real life connections are of course better, but for that to happen you have to believe that they are at least in theory still possible, that you still can be desirable, that a man can go crazy with lust over you.

For me online flirting was a safe way to get that confidence back. And the funny thing is... the more confident in myself I got (even started thinking about leaving. Not now, in a few years, but still it was a completely new thought for me.), the more attention I started getting at home.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

First role playing in the chat rooms here on Lit and later couple online connections with the litsers helped me a LOT with that. Real life connections are of course better, but for that to happen you have to believe that they are at least in theory still possible, that you still can be desirable, that a man can go crazy with lust over you.

For me online flirting was a safe way to get that confidence back. And the funny thing is... the more confident in myself I got (even started thinking about leaving. Not now, in a few years, but still it was a completely new thought for me.), the more attention I started getting at home.

I think it is so important to discover that desirability again! So many of us have been so worn down over the years, our self-esteem eroded away, our own sense of our desires and needs in life ignored and suppressed that finding some validation is a significant step on the road to recovery. For me, it started on here as with Annie, but it wasn't enough. I needed to hear it and observe it in person. Once I started to accept that others had an interest in me, it completely changed my situation. While still sexless, it doesn't bother me as I know now it isn't me, as she keeps trying to assert. I can brush off her rude and mean comments, because I have experienced women who didn't have the same baggage saying very different things. Further, I also find, for a variety of reasons, I don't need to keep going out seeking that validation from other women.

It's a constant struggle, but believing in oneself is the foundation for moving forward...

 

[Windman1]

Many in the same boat

As with many of you, the epidemic has stricken my home as well. My wife has completely lost interest in sex, or really any intimacy at all. It seems there are a few women in this same boat. It is however much more difficult for a man to come up with an alternative.

 

[Uneklensane]

As with many of you, the epidemic has stricken my home as well. My wife has completely lost interest in sex, or really any intimacy at all. It seems there are a few women in this same boat. It is however much more difficult for a man to come up with an alternative.

I am on the other side of this issue. About a yr ago I began having a problem maintaining an erection. Over the yr I seem to have lost desire for sex. I've tried meds which cause mild to moderate headaches. And I've looked into other resources. Injections are out of question. Any advice is appreciated. I have migraines, high BP, and back and knee issues. Also weight 250.

 

[AnnieLit]

It is however much more difficult for a man to come up with an alternative.

Since when?? The last time I checked, society was still much more lenient to the male infidelity than to the one by a female. At least in the US.

 

[AnnieLit]

I am on the other side of this issue. About a yr ago I began having a problem maintaining an erection. Over the yr I seem to have lost desire for sex. I've tried meds which cause mild to moderate headaches. And I've looked into other resources. Injections are out of question. Any advice is appreciated. I have migraines, high BP, and back and knee issues. Also weight 250.

This is not exactly what you are asking, but... who really cares about your erection? You or your wife? Are you still attracted to her and want intimacy? Is she still attracted to you? Can you get her off by some other means? If so, why would it bother her so much that you would risk headaches?

I am assuming you can still cum, right? As far as I understand, ED should not affect it much.

You don't need to answer all these questions here Just think about it and try to find the answers for yourself. Because if the only reason you are searching for the magic pill is the male pride, then maybe it is time to rethink what is really important and what is not?

 

[Polranny]

This is not exactly what you are asking, but... who really cares about your erection? You or your wife? Are you still attracted to her and want intimacy? Is she still attracted to you? Can you get her off by some other means? If so, why would it bother her so much that you would risk headaches?

I am assuming you can still cum, right? As far as I understand, ED should not affect it much.

You don't need to answer all these questions here Just think about it and try to find the answers for yourself. Because if the only reason you are searching for the magic pill is the male pride, then maybe it is time to rethink what is really important and what is not?

That's very eloquently put, Annie. I am happyish with my lot. I just wish that occasionally my partner would give me the tiniest bit of encouragement

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Well, I can take 3 steps back, lose a turn, do not pass go and do not collect 200$.

I told the wife that I wanted to get my nipples pierced. OMG, how that exploded. She went on a long and tireless rant. Never once asking something like "are you sure you want this?", or "have you really thought about it?", or "why do you want this?". Never mind the fact that she would rarely see them. I even had some fake ones clipped on and I had to point them out TWICE to her before she even noticed!

Instead of normal dialogue, it was rammed down my throat that it was tribal, that maybe I needed something more sexually because of lack of it from her. "Do you really need even more stimulation?" "Why do you feel the need to alter your normal body, isn't it good enough the way it is?"" What about our young son, have you thought about that?" "You are so hooked on your own self image!" On and on and on....

I am not "allowed" to wear my medieval leather shoes around her, nor sleeveless shirts, when my hair was long it had to be in a ponytail but now it must not be too long. Hmmm, cannot grow facial hair. A neighbor asked if I wanted to play drums with them, but wife answered before I could and said "no". She sometimes refuses a second drink request (intended for me) even though she could drive the family home after my second beer. If I gain a little weight, she pokes at my belly and comments, if I gain too much muscle she tells me that she doesn't like it.......

I don't think that I am "allowed" to live the one life I have for myself. I wonder if this is how the muslim women feel?

I am thinking of getting my nips pierced anyway next week, but not sure. I plan on buying a swimming shirt and wearing it to the pool when we go this weekend. If it works out, then I know that I can hide it from my son (and wife) for awhile. (not that I really need to IMO). I know that there will be LOTS of fireworks if I get it done, though. I don't want the fireworks, but I hate not being able to do things that involve myself.

 

[Polranny]

Well, I can take 3 steps back, lose a turn, do not pass go and do not collect 200$.

I told the wife that I wanted to get my nipples pierced. OMG, how that exploded. She went on a long and tireless rant. Never once asking something like "are you sure you want this?", or "have you really thought about it?", or "why do you want this?". Never mind the fact that she would rarely see them. I even had some fake ones clipped on and I had to point them out TWICE to her before she even noticed!

Instead of normal dialogue, it was rammed down my throat that it was tribal, that maybe I needed something more sexually because of lack of it from her. "Do you really need even more stimulation?" "Why do you feel the need to alter your normal body, isn't it good enough the way it is?"" What about our young son, have you thought about that?" "You are so hooked on your own self image!" On and on and on....

I am not "allowed" to wear my medieval leather shoes around her, nor sleeveless shirts, when my hair was long it had to be in a ponytail but now it must not be too long. Hmmm, cannot grow facial hair. A neighbor asked if I wanted to play drums with them, but wife answered before I could and said "no". She sometimes refuses a second drink request (intended for me) even though she could drive the family home after my second beer. If I gain a little weight, she pokes at my belly and comments, if I gain too much muscle she tells me that she doesn't like it.......

I don't think that I am "allowed" to live the one life I have for myself. I wonder if this is how the muslim women feel?

I am thinking of getting my nips pierced anyway next week, but not sure. I plan on buying a swimming shirt and wearing it to the pool when we go this weekend. If it works out, then I know that I can hide it from my son (and wife) for awhile. (not that I really need to IMO). I know that there will be LOTS of fireworks if I get it done, though. I don't want the fireworks, but I hate not being able to do things that involve myself.

Is it really worth all the hassle if you have clip-ons anyway. Otherwise why not be really daring and get a Prince Albert.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Is it really worth all the hassle if you have clip-ons anyway. Otherwise why not be really daring and get a Prince Albert.

The clip on kind fall off very quickly.

I am not interested in a price albert.

Is it worth it? Well, it kinda is. I am still on the fence about it, but if it was up to me, it would be done already.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

The clip on kind fall off very quickly.

I am not interested in a price albert.

Is it worth it? Well, it kinda is. I am still on the fence about it, but if it was up to me, it would be done already.

What you are experiencing is a bit more extreme than what I deal with, but that idea that our lives are no longer ours seems to be a powerful motif for many marriages - in some ways, it is true, that, ultimately, is what marriage is, a long series of compromises, but, ideally, in fostering a healthy and dynamic relationship, not a form of control. In reaction, we tend to push things in our need to reassert ourselves, our independence. What you seem to be expressing is that it is not about the piercings, but about being able to make your own decisions. Are the piercings really the battleground you want to fight that battle over???

Reminded me of this joke I heard recently: my wife wanted me to wear a button down shirt, I wanted to wear a t-shirt so we came to a compromise - I wore a button down...

LY

 

[ccs29745]

Well, I can take 3 steps back, lose a turn, do not pass go and do not collect 200$.

I told the wife that I wanted to get my nipples pierced. OMG, how that exploded. She went on a long and tireless rant. Never once asking something like "are you sure you want this?", or "have you really thought about it?", or "why do you want this?". Never mind the fact that she would rarely see them. I even had some fake ones clipped on and I had to point them out TWICE to her before she even noticed!

Instead of normal dialogue, it was rammed down my throat that it was tribal, that maybe I needed something more sexually because of lack of it from her. "Do you really need even more stimulation?" "Why do you feel the need to alter your normal body, isn't it good enough the way it is?"" What about our young son, have you thought about that?" "You are so hooked on your own self image!" On and on and on....

I am not "allowed" to wear my medieval leather shoes around her, nor sleeveless shirts, when my hair was long it had to be in a ponytail but now it must not be too long. Hmmm, cannot grow facial hair. A neighbor asked if I wanted to play drums with them, but wife answered before I could and said "no". She sometimes refuses a second drink request (intended for me) even though she could drive the family home after my second beer. If I gain a little weight, she pokes at my belly and comments, if I gain too much muscle she tells me that she doesn't like it.......

I don't think that I am "allowed" to live the one life I have for myself. I wonder if this is how the muslim women feel?

I am thinking of getting my nips pierced anyway next week, but not sure. I plan on buying a swimming shirt and wearing it to the pool when we go this weekend. If it works out, then I know that I can hide it from my son (and wife) for awhile. (not that I really need to IMO). I know that there will be LOTS of fireworks if I get it done, though. I don't want the fireworks, but I hate not being able to do things that involve myself.

Just be careful of rust, lol. Could you wear clip ones at pool without her knowing and see how she would react, or would that be a firework moment?

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Just be careful of rust, lol. Could you wear clip ones at pool without her knowing and see how she would react, or would that be a firework moment?

They would fall right off...and yes, it would be fireworks. That evening, I had "clip-ons" to show her what I was talking about and that got her hopping.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

What you are experiencing is a bit more extreme than what I deal with, but that idea that our lives are no longer ours seems to be a powerful motif for many marriages - in some ways, it is true, that, ultimately, is what marriage is, a long series of compromises, but, ideally, in fostering a healthy and dynamic relationship, not a form of control. In reaction, we tend to push things in our need to reassert ourselves, our independence. What you seem to be expressing is that it is not about the piercings, but about being able to make your own decisions. Are the piercings really the battleground you want to fight that battle over???

Reminded me of this joke I heard recently: my wife wanted me to wear a button down shirt, I wanted to wear a t-shirt so we came to a compromise - I wore a button down...

LY

It is a little about my independence, but also something that I really want. I knew she would not have a good reaction to it at all, but I brought it up cuz it was something that I wanted. She is not doing much in the compromising department either. (ex. I asked if she would wear lingerie, but she said not anymore.)

It would be one thing, if everyone would see it, but no one but her and MAYBE my son might see 'em. I can wear a swimming shirt to the public pool, if she is embarrassed by me. Also, most of our intimate moments are in the dark anyway. (where she keeps her top on about 1/4 of the time.)

I bought an IPL hair removal machine today. I used to get it done at a salon 7 years ago. I guess there will be fireworks, cuz I did not ask her about it first. Even used my allowance money. I guess I am just too worried about my own self-image....

 

[TTawhere]

Well, I can take 3 steps back, lose a turn, do not pass go and do not collect 200$.

I told the wife that I wanted to get my nipples pierced. OMG, how that exploded. She went on a long and tireless rant. Never once asking something like "are you sure you want this?", or "have you really thought about it?", or "why do you want this?". Never mind the fact that she would rarely see them. I even had some fake ones clipped on and I had to point them out TWICE to her before she even noticed!

Instead of normal dialogue, it was rammed down my throat that it was tribal, that maybe I needed something more sexually because of lack of it from her. "Do you really need even more stimulation?" "Why do you feel the need to alter your normal body, isn't it good enough the way it is?"" What about our young son, have you thought about that?" "You are so hooked on your own self image!" On and on and on....

I am not "allowed" to wear my medieval leather shoes around her, nor sleeveless shirts, when my hair was long it had to be in a ponytail but now it must not be too long. Hmmm, cannot grow facial hair. A neighbor asked if I wanted to play drums with them, but wife answered before I could and said "no". She sometimes refuses a second drink request (intended for me) even though she could drive the family home after my second beer. If I gain a little weight, she pokes at my belly and comments, if I gain too much muscle she tells me that she doesn't like it.......

I don't think that I am "allowed" to live the one life I have for myself. I wonder if this is how the muslim women feel?

I am thinking of getting my nips pierced anyway next week, but not sure. I plan on buying a swimming shirt and wearing it to the pool when we go this weekend. If it works out, then I know that I can hide it from my son (and wife) for awhile. (not that I really need to IMO). I know that there will be LOTS of fireworks if I get it done, though. I don't want the fireworks, but I hate not being able to do things that involve myself.

Perhaps it is me, but it looks like there is a lack of balance in your partnership. Was your relationship with your wife always this way?

 

[ccs29745]

It is a little about my independence, but also something that I really want. I knew she would not have a good reaction to it at all, but I brought it up cuz it was something that I wanted. She is not doing much in the compromising department either. (ex. I asked if she would wear lingerie, but she said not anymore.)

It would be one thing, if everyone would see it, but no one but her and MAYBE my son might see 'em. I can wear a swimming shirt to the public pool, if she is embarrassed by me. Also, most of our intimate moments are in the dark anyway. (where she keeps her top on about 1/4 of the time.)

I bought an IPL hair removal machine today. I used to get it done at a salon 7 years ago. I guess there will be fireworks, cuz I did not ask her about it first. Even used my allowance money. I guess I am just too worried about my own self-image....

If I may invade personal space, but is there something she wants to do that you don't like or agree with. Something where there could be a meeting in the middle type situation

 

[Elite_Goblin]

If I may invade personal space, but is there something she wants to do that you don't like or agree with. Something where there could be a meeting in the middle type situation

I don't think so. Would be nice if she wore lingerie sometimes. Tough with our son around, but is still do-able. Quite frankly I would rather have my nips pierced, as I know it would be a done deal. (She tends to back out of the deals she makes.) Swallowing BJ's would be a better bet, but that is doubtful. Might work once, but then it would be less and less...

 

[Elite_Goblin]

Perhaps it is me, but it looks like there is a lack of balance in your partnership. Was your relationship with your wife always this way?

No, it just crept up over the years. (2 decades in the making)
Started off with me wearing sleeveless shirts. I always wore them as it is quite hot/humid in Louisiana. Well, once day she cried all about me wearing the shirts and told me how much she didn't like them. She even went so far as to throw them away without telling me. (In retaliation, I threw a few of her favorite stuff out too. She never touched my clothes again.)

It boils down to me and my own fault for being the nice guy. Women want a nice guy, but in the end, they will abuse and overstep that guy.

When in the USA, I worked a full time, high stress job. Made good money. If the family needed something extra, I lined up overtime hours to pay for it. (I would get up an hour earlier than normal, so as to not interfere with later family time.) As soon as I would come home, she would often be in the garage waiting for me, handing our child to me before I even step into the house, and telling me that he is all mine now. I played with him before and after supper, bathed him, dressed him for bed, then put him to sleep. If I was lucky, I had time after 8:30pm to do something for myself for 30-45 minutes before my bedtime. Often, I had to spend extra time putting him to bed and had no time for myself at all.

Now in Germany, she is the working parent and I stay home with our son. When she comes home, she needs to chill-out for awhile because she has been working for 8 hours (not 9 or 10). I still bath our son, I still play with him in the evening (She does play with him for up to hour though). She then puts him to bed. (I do get a fair amount of free time while he is in school, so it is not too bad.)

Just saying the nice guy gets trampled on. Alot. So, now I just want to be me and feel a little free to make my own decisions concerning me. I am not talking about the freedom to go out and just buy a car or house without talking together with my spouse. But rather the smaller things.

The issue with the piercings is that they do not strictly pertain to me. She will be a little affected by them, but very minimally. For fun, I started pretending that I already have them. I wore a shirt to bed last night, and will buy a swim-shirt today, so on the weekend I can wear it in the pool. I wanna see how long I can go before she sees my bare chest. She is just too uptight!

 

[ccs29745]

I don't think so. Would be nice if she wore lingerie sometimes. Tough with our son around, but is still do-able. Quite frankly I would rather have my nips pierced, as I know it would be a done deal. (She tends to back out of the deals she makes.) Swallowing BJ's would be a better bet, but that is doubtful. Might work once, but then it would be less and less...

I remember those days of wife finishing me off by swallowing a couple loads. Now she doesn't like it.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

I remember those days of wife finishing me off by swallowing a couple loads. Now she doesn't like it.

There's an old saying...

"What's the difference between your job and your wife?"

"After 5 years, your job still sucks."

Ha!!

 

[Cockyme1948]

Where are you

If all these guys are looking for a guy, fwb why is it so hard to a willing guy to hook up with