Sexless Marriages

[Lost_Yonder]

Wife asked for a little massage cause of sore muscle in back. I managed for few minutes and started to move around more. She says no, she had a headache. Dang it

Very frustrating, I can imagine!

the constant being shut-down, shut-out, rejected sexually, refused any kind of intimacy (even non-sexual) wears away at one's own sense of self, feeding into insecurities, that build up. It's depressing...

 

[Vitriolhack]

Wife asked for a little massage cause of sore muscle in back. I managed for few minutes and started to move around more. She says no, she had a headache. Dang it

You could use the old reverse psychology thing. Come to bed with a glass of water and 2 Tylenol. Tell her, “sorry about your headache babe.” When she says,” but I don’t have a headache.”

“Alright, alright, alright!” Let the good times roll!

 

[Wanking_Frank]

I don’t know what you need clarity around ..... she’s giving you a hall pass on a “ don’t ask don’t tell” basis. Personally if I’d been given one I wouldn’t be on here wondering about it I’d be writing my bloody personal ad.... but that’s just me... impatient to the core. ( but I’m 8 years into my sexless marriage so I think I can be forgiven maybe?)

Yeah seems fairly clear that it means out of sight, out of mind. Go nuts, I just don’t want to see it.

While it would probably cause some hurt, I think she understands.

The problem is whether the side relationship can be compartmentalized in a way that both involved understand and boundaries exist. Otherwise it probably won’t work.

 

[Wanking_Frank]

Very frustrating, I can imagine!

the constant being shut-down, shut-out, rejected sexually, refused any kind of intimacy (even non-sexual) wears away at one's own sense of self, feeding into insecurities, that build up. It's depressing...

Yes it does. I’m not sure if my situation was any more or less terrible, but others at least had some non-sexual part of the relationship that was satisfying. I didn’t really even have that.

She was essentially a bad roommate for the last 10 or so years. I had to stop blaming myself for it. I was treated like crap on top of no intimacy. I don’t need a lot to satisfy me. Once every couple of months would have been Okay. It was the rest of the relationship that finally was too much (as in not enough)

I’ve been seeing therapists for over a year, we did couples / family therapy for at least 6 months. It wasn’t going to get better, so we finally had to separate. It sucks for the children but I feel like it had to be done. I couldn’t go on feeling like trash much longer.

I don’t know if I’ll find anyone else but at this point being alone, but with kids, is better. At least they don’t have to see a dysfunctional relationship and think it’s normal. We didn’t really fight / argue much but it got to the point where we couldn’t really coexist very well. We’re essentially living separate lives in the same house, now we’ll just have our own space.

I feel like I’ve done what I could. It sucks but it’s not like I had many good options from which to choose. The feeling was mutual.

 

[KPaulNeilson]

Very frustrating, I can imagine!

the constant being shut-down, shut-out, rejected sexually, refused any kind of intimacy (even non-sexual) wears away at one's own sense of self, feeding into insecurities, that build up. It's depressing...

Because of that,in my own experience and in my own head, I know my own drives and their power. All I can deduce in my head is it's because she's with me. She's hot enough, it must be my side of the equation.

It hurts. I know.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Because of that,in my own experience and in my own head, I know my own drives and their power. All I can deduce in my head is it's because she's with me. She's hot enough, it must be my side of the equation.

It hurts. I know.

It is a tough place to be in! But the it doesn't mean it is your "side of the equation" - there are dynamics and issues, so often unspoken that two people just don't click or stop clicking or whatever it might be. It is based on a combination of the two of you - it is your relationship, not you, not her, but something in the dynamic that has stopped working as you desire it to be.

For some, with some honest and open communication, generally with the guidance of a therapist, it can be overcome and recovered, but for many of us, myself included, the obstacles between us, the wall is just too great. But it isn't her, or me, it is us - we just don't work sexually.

It took me a long time to figure that out, particularly as she had a tendency to share her general disappointments in me, lots of barbs to show how incompetent, inefficient, I was. I became extremely insecure, despite amazing career successes, she always had to pull me down. and the lack of sex just added to my insecurities. Only when I went online and started chatting with women and then having affairs did I recover myself, my self-worth. In the end, it actually took an 18 y/o to show me how immature I was being...

Kind of rambling here, but the point is, it is never you - it is the relationship...

 

[Polranny]

It is a tough place to be in! But the it doesn't mean it is your "side of the equation" - there are dynamics and issues, so often unspoken that two people just don't click or stop clicking or whatever it might be. It is based on a combination of the two of you - it is your relationship, not you, not her, but something in the dynamic that has stopped working as you desire it to be.

For some, with some honest and open communication, generally with the guidance of a therapist, it can be overcome and recovered, but for many of us, myself included, the obstacles between us, the wall is just too great. But it isn't her, or me, it is us - we just don't work sexually.

It took me a long time to figure that out, particularly as she had a tendency to share her general disappointments in me, lots of barbs to show how incompetent, inefficient, I was. I became extremely insecure, despite amazing career successes, she always had to pull me down. and the lack of sex just added to my insecurities. Only when I went online and started chatting with women and then having affairs did I recover myself, my self-worth. In the end, it actually took an 18 y/o to show me how immature I was being...

Kind of rambling here, but the point is, it is never you - it is the relationship...

I agree with you 100%.
I get used to the put down, usually about my ineptitude, frquently comparing me to others of our mutual acquaintance with snied implications. Now, rather than argue or take the bait I switch off.but even that backfires occasionally

 

[DDBustyBrit]

My biggest issue is he just flies off the handle at the slightest comment from me he doesn’t agree with, I’m just grateful he’s not prone to violence! But I’m getting sick and tired of being yelled at if I just ask a reasonable question!

If I didn’t know better I’d say he’s sexually frustrated, but apparently not considering I used to wander around here topless, half naked or in Victoria’s Secrets best! So basically like you see in my Lit Noir pics and nada.

That’s stopped now I’m settled with Canada I don’t think he wants me to end up in that situ with the spouse, anymore than I do. I’m just totally and utterly over it at this point. There’s nothing more I can do to retrieve this relationship, I have little guilt as I was the one who got us to counseling etc and he was the one who quit.

Now I’m planning my escape permanently and starting to get my ducks in a row financially and consider my options. This is going to be a lengthy path but I have at least now realized I can’t and won’t live like this for the next 20 years.

Sending love to you all and hugs, it’s bloody tough!

 

[Lost_Yonder]

My biggest issue is he just flies off the handle at the slightest comment from me he doesn’t agree with, I’m just grateful he’s not prone to violence! But I’m getting sick and tired of being yelled at if I just ask a reasonable question!

If I didn’t know better I’d say he’s sexually frustrated, but apparently not considering I used to wander around here topless, half naked or in Victoria’s Secrets best! So basically like you see in my Lit Noir pics and nada.

That’s stopped now I’m settled with Canada I don’t think he wants me to end up in that situ with the spouse, anymore than I do. I’m just totally and utterly over it at this point. There’s nothing more I can do to retrieve this relationship, I have no guilt as I was the one who got us to counseling etc and he was the one who quit.

Now I’m planning my escape permanently and starting to get my ducks in a row financially and consider my options. This is going to be a lengthy path but I have at least now realized I can’t and won’t live like this for the next 20 years.

Sending love to you all and hugs, it’s bloody tough!

sometimes following your dreams requires you to build your own pathway! You got this!

 

[ccs29745]

My biggest issue is he just flies off the handle at the slightest comment from me he doesn’t agree with, I’m just grateful he’s not prone to violence! But I’m getting sick and tired of being yelled at if I just ask a reasonable question!

If I didn’t know better I’d say he’s sexually frustrated, but apparently not considering I used to wander around here topless, half naked or in Victoria’s Secrets best! So basically like you see in my Lit Noir pics and nada.

That’s stopped now I’m settled with Canada I don’t think he wants me to end up in that situ with the spouse, anymore than I do. I’m just totally and utterly over it at this point. There’s nothing more I can do to retrieve this relationship, I have little guilt as I was the one who got us to counseling etc and he was the one who quit.

Now I’m planning my escape permanently and starting to get my ducks in a row financially and consider my options. This is going to be a lengthy path but I have at least now realized I can’t and won’t live like this for the next 20 years.

Sending love to you all and hugs, it’s bloody tough!

No one should live like that or in a situation like that Brits. Glad to see there's a light at end of tunnel for you.


BTW, anyone else find her extra sexy when she's venting or is it just me?

 

[Lost_Yonder]

No one should live like that or in a situation like that Brits. Glad to see there's a light at end of tunnel for you.


BTW, anyone else find her extra sexy when she's venting or is it just me?

She's always sexy!

 

[Polranny]

She's always sexy!

She's just a modest, quiet unassuming brit , just like me !

 

[TTawhere]

She's just a modest, quiet unassuming brit , just like me !

Brit or Welsh? ;-)

 

[DDBustyBrit]

She's always sexy!

Trust me that is not always the case but I can be Very sexy if I set my mind to it

She's just a modest, quiet unassuming brit , just like me !

Sure I am! Just like you mate

BTW, anyone else find her extra sexy when she's venting or is it just me?

Hahaha you guys are so fun and good for my ego! I am woman see me Roar!

Brit or Welsh? ;-)

Well things do get hot in a hurry with me if I have my beady dragon eye on you!


Love all your sexy asses! (including Vit who has not surfaced yet today?!)

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Love all your sexy asses! (including Vit who has not surfaced yet today?!)

You keep it real and honest, keep us grounded - it is nice seeing you floating around...

 

[Polranny]

Brit or Welsh? ;-)

Depends . I can be either

 

[LivingLaVitaLoco]

ccs29745
I think your wife told you the issue. She is expecting the worst - you will cheat like her dad did to her mother. That will be difficult to get around. She cannot feel vulnerable with you if she does not feel secure.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

ccs29745
I think your wife told you the issue. She is expecting the worst - you will cheat like her dad did to her mother. That will be difficult to get around. She cannot feel vulnerable with you if she does not feel secure.

Knowing him like I do, he goes out of his way to tell her she’s special to him and make her feel desired. Believe me he has tried it all. That could be a factor but I also think it’s a somewhat convenient excuse for her honestly.

 

[Booboobear84]

In the grand scheme of things

I may not get sex, but I am getting love, affection, and affirmation. I am more fortunate than sometimes I realize.

 

[KPaulNeilson]

I may not get sex, but I am getting love, affection, and affirmation. I am more fortunate than sometimes I realize.

Yes.
The best way I can explain it is that I have a beautiful tapestry with one solitary dot. It's a masterpiece that is priceless but, if you know the almost imperceptible dot is there, you're eyes are drawn to it and it's all that you can see.

 

[ccs29745]

Knowing him like I do, he goes out of his way to tell her she’s special to him and make her feel desired. Believe me he has tried it all. That could be a factor but I also think it’s a somewhat convenient excuse for her honestly.

I've had chances to cheat. I've even turned down a chance to move and had 55 thousand reasons to leave, yet here I stay.

I still feel like I live in shadow of her father, but will not hold how she feels against her. I am not the best hubby or daddy in the world, but I try to be a good one.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

I've had chances to cheat. I've even turned down a chance to move and had 55 thousand reasons to leave, yet here I stay.

I still feel like I live in shadow of her father, but will not hold how she feels against her. I am not the best hubby or daddy in the world, but I try to be a good one.

You are strong CCS!

My wife keeps me on a teeter-totter. 1 week I think everything is great, the next I think I am best sleeping in another room. Talking sometimes works, but mostly ends up with her escalating any topic to an argument.

Just this morning, I asked if she would ever wear neglige' for me again. Short answer, likely not, even though she has a dynamite body. She said it is just something else for me to check off on my "not anymore" list.

 

[TTawhere]

I may not get sex, but I am getting love, affection, and affirmation. I am more fortunate than sometimes I realize.

This is important. Without love there is no reason to stay. I have that at home and know that I am fortunate. No sex, but love and a degree of intimacy. While it isn’t the same it still binds is together.

 

[Polranny]

This is important. Without love there is no reason to stay. I have that at home and know that I am fortunate. No sex, but love and a degree of intimacy. While it isn’t the same it still binds is together.

Similar though the level of good old-fashioned intimacy is non existent. We are still best friends until one of us lights the blue touch paper. Then, like all fireworks it fizzles out eventually

 

[TTawhere]

Similar though the level of good old-fashioned intimacy is non existent. We are still best friends until one of us lights the blue touch paper. Then, like all fireworks it fizzles out eventually

Same here, but we've both stopped trying that for reasons that I've listed before in this thread. The paper wouldn't take - even with a blowtorch.