PearlyDewdrops
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2019
- Posts
- 715
Really interesting thread. So many sad stories. Here's my two-penn'th with a little bit of hope.
I stayed in a sexless relationship "for the good of the children". However, I also stopped doing all the stuff I liked in order to be the good man. In brief, it became a joyless time except for the time spent with my children. Importantly, I became joyless because I was doing no hobbies I liked. Eventually, my mental health deteriorated but I dutifully held on so that my common-law-wife (CLW) and I could rekindle the fire once the children were older.
Instead she wanted a divorce/separation and I realised I had just become a person to help with the children. I moved out. Soon after I experienced a complete mental breakdown due to other tragedies occurring as well.
Pyschotherapy helped. My therapist showed me how my CLW had isolated and manipulated me. The therapist gave me the tools to reanalyse the situation I found myself in and also to resist the CLW's manipulation. Essentially, the CLW had used her withdrawal of sex as one way to control me and make life easy for herself. I should have realised that you only get so many rewards for being good.
After a year of therapy, the therapist encouraged me to use dating sites. At that time I wanted a proper, serious relationship. I was hesitant when dating at first but eventually found an amazing lover. She was 50, I was 49. But we lived 160 km apart and new found confidence had made me curious about other women. Eventually, I tried a hook-up app and, lo-and-behold, I got a phone call asking why I was on said app from my fantastic but upset lover. Obviously though, she also needed more than Friday to Monday every other week.
After much discussion, we agreed to open the relationship and we remain friends but 160 km is a big distance when there are so many wonderful people much closer. Four years on I have been in several relationships, tried fidelity, left an unbelievable-sex FWB relationship because the woman started to try to control my life like the CLW regarding what old friends I see or festivals I go to. I've had ONS's, wasted-time, been ghosted, stood-up, exploited and exploiting and learnt more about myself and people than I thought possible.
I am having the best sex I have ever had (male and female), partly due to experience and, I think, a wish to experiment amongst my lovers as age seems to have rid the best lovers of their inhibitions and hang-ups.
Elsewhere, I see my children almost daily and have far more influence on their lives now that I stand up for what I believe is best for them. However, none of my lovers has any more than a passing acquaintance with them as I try to keep the sex/romance/affair side of my life separate from them.
Since the separation from CLW, I have my own time and have broadened my interests. I have discovered I really don't want to fuck the same person for the rest of my life. That's because when I am with someone, I am with them completely in that time but I can't be that person 24/7 - it is exhausting. Also, I like the variety because different lovers produce different sensations, have different conversations and histories - satisfy different needs.
Life is good but not perfect. I do get emotionally involved with lovers, they do get involved with me and remaining friends isn't always easy. But taking the soaked side of the bed a lover has squirted on is far more preferable to nestling my head where tears have formed because my ex turned her back on me once again.
If you can and if expressing your sexual desire is important to you, divorce and live poorer but be emotionally fulfilled. I know that advice isn't easy if you value financial security or live in a place where people judge others far too readily. Plus, it is sometimes very mentally taxing to be on one's own.
Or do as a friend did and live apart in a trial separation and rediscover the person you used to be and the person your partner fell for.
Ultimately, I'm glad my CLW and I separated and I know my children are.
I stayed in a sexless relationship "for the good of the children". However, I also stopped doing all the stuff I liked in order to be the good man. In brief, it became a joyless time except for the time spent with my children. Importantly, I became joyless because I was doing no hobbies I liked. Eventually, my mental health deteriorated but I dutifully held on so that my common-law-wife (CLW) and I could rekindle the fire once the children were older.
Instead she wanted a divorce/separation and I realised I had just become a person to help with the children. I moved out. Soon after I experienced a complete mental breakdown due to other tragedies occurring as well.
Pyschotherapy helped. My therapist showed me how my CLW had isolated and manipulated me. The therapist gave me the tools to reanalyse the situation I found myself in and also to resist the CLW's manipulation. Essentially, the CLW had used her withdrawal of sex as one way to control me and make life easy for herself. I should have realised that you only get so many rewards for being good.
After a year of therapy, the therapist encouraged me to use dating sites. At that time I wanted a proper, serious relationship. I was hesitant when dating at first but eventually found an amazing lover. She was 50, I was 49. But we lived 160 km apart and new found confidence had made me curious about other women. Eventually, I tried a hook-up app and, lo-and-behold, I got a phone call asking why I was on said app from my fantastic but upset lover. Obviously though, she also needed more than Friday to Monday every other week.
After much discussion, we agreed to open the relationship and we remain friends but 160 km is a big distance when there are so many wonderful people much closer. Four years on I have been in several relationships, tried fidelity, left an unbelievable-sex FWB relationship because the woman started to try to control my life like the CLW regarding what old friends I see or festivals I go to. I've had ONS's, wasted-time, been ghosted, stood-up, exploited and exploiting and learnt more about myself and people than I thought possible.
I am having the best sex I have ever had (male and female), partly due to experience and, I think, a wish to experiment amongst my lovers as age seems to have rid the best lovers of their inhibitions and hang-ups.
Elsewhere, I see my children almost daily and have far more influence on their lives now that I stand up for what I believe is best for them. However, none of my lovers has any more than a passing acquaintance with them as I try to keep the sex/romance/affair side of my life separate from them.
Since the separation from CLW, I have my own time and have broadened my interests. I have discovered I really don't want to fuck the same person for the rest of my life. That's because when I am with someone, I am with them completely in that time but I can't be that person 24/7 - it is exhausting. Also, I like the variety because different lovers produce different sensations, have different conversations and histories - satisfy different needs.
Life is good but not perfect. I do get emotionally involved with lovers, they do get involved with me and remaining friends isn't always easy. But taking the soaked side of the bed a lover has squirted on is far more preferable to nestling my head where tears have formed because my ex turned her back on me once again.
If you can and if expressing your sexual desire is important to you, divorce and live poorer but be emotionally fulfilled. I know that advice isn't easy if you value financial security or live in a place where people judge others far too readily. Plus, it is sometimes very mentally taxing to be on one's own.
Or do as a friend did and live apart in a trial separation and rediscover the person you used to be and the person your partner fell for.
Ultimately, I'm glad my CLW and I separated and I know my children are.
