Sexless Marriages

[Kiara35]

Hi

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

This is Kiara was trying to connect with u...

 

[tnh_06]

Celebate marriage since around 2007. She doesn't even like being kissed or touched. We've talked about it, and it's clear she has intimacy issues due to depression and does not want treatment. I can't make that choice for her, and pushing the issue seems unfair to her as well. It certainly not her "fault" or anything. That would be ridiculous. I need to learn to live with it. Full stop.

My wife also suffers from depression and the drugs that go with it, but I can’t just accept that I have to give up everything I desire because she is on meds and has killed her sex drive. There are alternatives that are not as easy as popping a pill, but they are not considered. That is tantamount to telling me that my feelings mean so little as to be completely ignored. I disagree that We have to put our lives on hold in so many ways just because of a chemical imbalance.

 

[Polranny]

My wife also suffers from depression and the drugs that go with it, but I can’t just accept that I have to give up everything I desire because she is on meds and has killed her sex drive. There are alternatives that are not as easy as popping a pill, but they are not considered. That is tantamount to telling me that my feelings mean so little as to be completely ignored. I disagree that We have to put our lives on hold in so many ways just because of a chemical imbalance.

Regardless of the causes, of which there may be many, we have to accept that these things happen. In my partner's case it was a ptsd tipped the balance (Sadly, I was the cause but that is a longer, irrelevant story). Counselling hasn't helped so we carry on, civil most of the time but occasionally at complete loggerheads. I love her nevertheless and I think she loves me but, being brits, it's difficult to admit it.

 

[newhere2learn]

My wife also suffers from depression and the drugs that go with it, but I can’t just accept that I have to give up everything I desire because she is on meds and has killed her sex drive. There are alternatives that are not as easy as popping a pill, but they are not considered. That is tantamount to telling me that my feelings mean so little as to be completely ignored. I disagree that We have to put our lives on hold in so many ways just because of a chemical imbalance.

I agree. I used to agree with the other chap. But I've done 5-6 of the last 9 years celibate (barring an annual quicky with nothing for me).

No kissing for 3-4yr. No cuddling. Merely permitted to rub her feet when it suits.

She's bounced in and out of treatment, on and off tablets. Threatened divorce 4x at least.

Yet still denies she has any issues. Blames me entirely.

Her self esteem is through the floor, and that pains me. She's shutting out me, the kids, friends.



BUT how long can I go on being her carer effectively? I've put career moves on hold, turned down jobs, had warnings at work for slack attendance... All due to her MH issues.

I'm broke, savings and assets gone.. as her bipolar spending splurges are usually £2k+ in a month.

She fills the void with materials objects.



Now, I can see a future alone, small house, simple life, manageable outgoings. There's even a local milf who wants to do bad things with me/to me.


I'm on the fence. I stay for now for the kids primarily. Secondary, because even though she claims to hate me (currently)... I keep her afloat financially, mentally and physically.

 

[newhere2learn]

Regardless of the causes, of which there may be many, we have to accept that these things happen. In my partner's case it was a ptsd tipped the balance (Sadly, I was the cause but that is a longer, irrelevant story). Counselling hasn't helped so we carry on, civil most of the time but occasionally at complete loggerheads. I love her nevertheless and I think she loves me but, being brits, it's difficult to admit it.

I could have written every inch of that. She's fucked, damaged and probably always will be. But, her family and her upbringing can be attributed for all of it.... MH issues within, lots of. Violent father. Often poor/below the breadline.

Aged 14-22 she went supersonic. Drugs, sex, violence, alcohol. Party until she dropped, zero fucks given. Would fight anyone, take anything, fuck strangers, drink until she passed out.


What Dodger family do? Nothing, barring; "don't let your dad find out"

Ironically he's worse.

Her mother preaches; "you've gotta leave her to it,shell sort herself"


Hence she's now in her 30s and still refusing treatment.


Her family also refuse to see MH issues as an actual illness. So tell her to cancel counselling, come off tablets, leave me. Etc.


Amazingly, she gets good jobs... Had two degrees.

On form, she's beguiling, addictive to be around.

On the bad days she's 50/50 between a wounded animal and the most sadistic, vindictive cunt you can imagine.


How do you abandon her to her own devices?

If I walked she'd; go nuclear, lash out, get 50% assets etc. Take the kids. Within a month she'd dump them on anyone she could (already does, but I can assist/affect it currently), then go on the cock carousel. Back partying with old friends, ex boyfriend who are still in that life.

Don't know if she'd kill herself through it, but from prior experience she ends up in a downward spiral and a bad way

 

[The_gladiator]

I could have written every inch of that. She's fucked, damaged and probably always will be. But, her family and her upbringing can be attributed for all of it.... MH issues within, lots of. Violent father. Often poor/below the breadline.

Aged 14-22 she went supersonic. Drugs, sex, violence, alcohol. Party until she dropped, zero fucks given. Would fight anyone, take anything, fuck strangers, drink until she passed out.


What Dodger family do? Nothing, barring; "don't let your dad find out"

Ironically he's worse.

Her mother preaches; "you've gotta leave her to it,shell sort herself"


Hence she's now in her 30s and still refusing treatment.


Her family also refuse to see MH issues as an actual illness. So tell her to cancel counselling, come off tablets, leave me. Etc.


Amazingly, she gets good jobs... Had two degrees.

On form, she's beguiling, addictive to be around.

On the bad days she's 50/50 between a wounded animal and the most sadistic, vindictive cunt you can imagine.


How do you abandon her to her own devices?

If I walked she'd; go nuclear, lash out, get 50% assets etc. Take the kids. Within a month she'd dump them on anyone she could (already does, but I can assist/affect it currently), then go on the cock carousel. Back partying with old friends, ex boyfriend who are still in that life.

Don't know if she'd kill herself through it, but from prior experience she ends up in a downward spiral and a bad way

Ok, so I don’t really want to get involved, but I dislike some of the terms you use for her, how easily you spread about all of her history, is she ok with you being so slanderous of her online? I feel that there is some need on your part to be educated about mental health disorders in general in this thread, not calling you out specifically.

Mental health issues can truly change a person. I think that it’s not to just accept this is how it is, but it is not ok to just expect it to get better and for the person to set aside their mh issues just because they’re not taking care of you. As the partner of someone with mental health issues, you eventually need to make the call as to wher your own mental health is suffering and you can no longer handle it. One should never stay with a partner just because you are afraid they might go back into an old life or to kill themselves. If you leave and they did kill themself it would not be your fault, it would be unfortunate but there are steps the individual could have taken to help avoid that e.g. counseling, IOP, medications, hospitalization etc.

If anyone has specific questions about mental health or how to assist and be an ally or partner, please free to reach out to me in pm, for I do not think this is the place to go into a lot more detail on the subject.

Mental health should never be used as an excuse as to why a relationship isn’t functioning correctly but it can be the reason and most mental health can be treated if the person wishes to put forth the effort.

 

[asaxon]

Ok, so I don’t really want to get involved, but I dislike some of the terms you use for her, how easily you spread about all of her history, is she ok with you being so slanderous of her online? I feel that there is some need on your part to be educated about mental health disorders in general in this thread, not calling you out specifically.

Mental health issues can truly change a person. I think that it’s not to just accept this is how it is, but it is not ok to just expect it to get better and for the person to set aside their mh issues just because they’re not taking care of you. As the partner of someone with mental health issues, you eventually need to make the call as to wher your own mental health is suffering and you can no longer handle it. One should never stay with a partner just because you are afraid they might go back into an old life or to kill themselves. If you leave and they did kill themself it would not be your fault, it would be unfortunate but there are steps the individual could have taken to help avoid that e.g. counseling, IOP, medications, hospitalization etc.

If anyone has specific questions about mental health or how to assist and be an ally or partner, please free to reach out to me in pm, for I do not think this is the place to go into a lot more detail on the subject.

Mental health should never be used as an excuse as to why a relationship isn’t functioning correctly but it can be the reason and most mental health can be treated if the person wishes to put forth the effort.

What you have written I agree with, but the problem here is that this woman and her parents are refusing to believe there is a mental health issue.

 

[The_gladiator]

What you have written I agree with, but the problem here is that this woman and her parents are refusing to believe there is a mental health issue.

Are you awarea how common that is? Especially if it is substance use issues? That does not make it ok to call her a cunt or stay with her just because one worries that she might kill herself that could actually be worse for her in the long run. But denial that there’s a problem is textbook mental health issues, just sayin. So not sure it negates any of what I said above.

 

[asaxon]

Are you awarea how common that is? Especially if it is substance use issues? That does not make it ok to call her a cunt or stay with her just because one worries that she might kill herself that could actually be worse for her in the long run. But denial that there’s a problem is textbook mental health issues, just sayin. So not sure it negates any of what I said above.

I stated I agreed with you on the TMI Ann name calling. I just wanted to state that it is not a black and white issue.

 

[The_gladiator]

I stated I agreed with you on the TMI Ann name calling. I just wanted to state that it is not a black and white issue.

On that we can agree, nothing is black and white where mental health is concered. I would encourage us all to change the things we can, we cannot expect anyone else to change, we can only alter how we react to other’s behavior.

 

[newhere2learn]

What you have written I agree with, but the problem here is that this woman and her parents are refusing to believe there is a mental health issue.

That's the exact issue.

When her behaviour is leading to vast amounts of debt,loss of work, career issues, and child neglect unless I intervene....




As for our white night riding in. I wasn't calling HER a cunt. But her behaviour is, hence "sadistic cunt". She persecutes, lies, controls, bullies and then when none of that works... Bolts


Someone's behaviour can be cunt worthy, cunt like, or such... Without your opinion of them being ill made.


Understand that most here are from the USA, and there's often attitude variations and phrasing objections.


Thoughts noted

 

[newhere2learn]

Are you awarea how common that is? Especially if it is substance use issues? That does not make it ok to call her a cunt or stay with her just because one worries that she might kill herself that could actually be worse for her in the long run. But denial that there’s a problem is textbook mental health issues, just sayin. So not sure it negates any of what I said above.

Without going into war/peace, here's what happens if I leave/move out/switch off my unconditional support;

She goes nuclear
Her parents Wade in
I'm dragged out the house I pay 100% of
She makes fake DV claim
Her father assaults me or threatens death
She withholds child access
Her parents/family treat my house as a doss house
They deny me access to my house and kids for weeks/months on end



So I'd end up;

Parents spare room
Appointing a solicitor
Run up £k in legal fees

The divorce & custody system in the UK is HUGELY biased towards mother's in the UK.

I'd get rinsed, and see my kids a day a week, if lucky.


If I stay, I can protect them.


Every case is different. Your thoughts are noted, your opinion is yours, your understanding is appreciated.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

So I have pretty amazing new DD perky boobs, even I’m turned on by them!

He’s definitely noticed and commented, but despite me showing them off at the drop of a hat, nada!

It’s still early days but I’m not holding my breath!

 

[AllMyDreams]

I’ll go with others and say that while I abstained and behaved for six years... not so good a behavior as of this year. I have needs and not ready to live a life without sex.

VIVA LA SURGE!

I’m lucky in that we’re still very affectionate and do have v occasional sex... but my needs are starting to outweigh my willpower to behave!

 

[Uneklensane]

So I have pretty amazing new DD perky boobs, even I’m turned on by them!

He’s definitely noticed and commented, but despite me showing them off at the drop of a hat, nada!

It’s still early days but I’m not holding my breath!

I'm sure we would notice if you showed US!!

 

[MileHighBlackDiamond]

So I have pretty amazing new DD perky boobs, even I’m turned on by them!

He’s definitely noticed and commented, but despite me showing them off at the drop of a hat, nada!

It’s still early days but I’m not holding my breath!

Perky or not, if you are showing them off at will and get no response..... Some guys yearn for that from their SO

 

[AnnieLit]

I'm broke, savings and assets gone.. as her bipolar spending splurges are usually £2k+ in a month.

She fills the void with materials objects.
.

You can't limit her access to the money? Open your own account just in your name and set up your salary deposits there. Pay for the house and for the kids and then transfer some set amount to the account she has access to. She can't spend 2k a month if you gice her one tenth of that.

It will not work if you have joint credit cards, but you can always call and cancel them. You can't do anything about credit cards that are just in her name, but technically that would be a good thing -- courts are not cery fons if parents that can't handle their money. So if she runs up a dept, show it to any jugje and you just might get the full custody.

 

[like2masturbate]

Lol. Actually quite sick of talking if you know what I mean

oh business time already!

 

[newhere2learn]

You can't limit her access to the money? Open your own account just in your name and set up your salary deposits there. Pay for the house and for the kids and then transfer some set amount to the account she has access to. She can't spend 2k a month if you gice her one tenth of that.

It will not work if you have joint credit cards, but you can always call and cancel them. You can't do anything about credit cards that are just in her name, but technically that would be a good thing -- courts are not cery fons if parents that can't handle their money. So if she runs up a dept, show it to any jugje and you just might get the full custody.

UK system is different. If I start exporting surplus cash each month, into a different account, courts/solicitor can request records of everything I've ever moved.

Thus anything in my name would then allow her a 50% stake.

I *could* make large monthly repayments to my parents, have them hold it. And provide causal factors, such as "repaying money loaned in recent years".

But even then, she can have it brought to court.

All solicitor advise: "move nothing, do nothing, don't leave the house"

 

[AnnieLit]

UK system is different. If I start exporting surplus cash each month, into a different account, courts/solicitor can request records of everything I've ever moved.

Thus anything in my name would then allow her a 50% stake.

I *could* make large monthly repayments to my parents, have them hold it. And provide causal factors, such as "repaying money loaned in recent years".

But even then, she can have it brought to court.

All solicitor advise: "move nothing, do nothing, don't leave the house"

I don't get it.
- If you move the money before she spends it and there is a divorce, you will have to give her 50%.
- If you don't move the money, no matter divorce or not, she spends all 100% of it.

So why exactly is it better to do nothing? In my book it is btter to loose half, rather than everything.

My guess is that solicitors (lawyers, right?) advise about rational people, not about situations when mental problems are involved.

What I was talking about is how it works not for spouses looking to get out of a marriage, but for spouses that are trying to save their families in the face of mental illness. Same thing works for elderly parents, when they start loosing their grip on reality. If a person can't control their impulses, somebody has to do it for them.

 

[WarCloud]

First post, so be gentle............Hi all, I have been in 'the club' for 6-7 years. Same story, great sex for many years, then boom....nothing. My wife gained some weight and although it was not a big deal for me, I think it bothered her. Finally last year she went to see a hormone specialist and when they tested her the bottom of the page said....."He's dead Jim"...her hormones had flat-lined.

She was also having pain during intercourse and she was prescribed a cream to apply along with a few different hormone supplements. Happily the pain is gone, but her desire is still very low, which is confusing because I can bring her to a orgasm pretty easily(just like the old days) so I know she enjoys it.

Anyway, you know what I think is missing? Those little invisible pheromones that used to make her lust for her man.....hers or mine I just don't know. Unfortunately, pheromones can't be had at the store, so I might just have to ask politely that they return to us and move back in

I'm in my early 60's and she in her early 50's. I would and could happily make love to her every day but is seems like it only happens about once a month. Yes, I miss the orgasm, but what I really miss is the kisses, the skin to skin, the touch, the heat and her taste. I feel like a guy that is stuck on an island alone and I want off before I dry up and blow away.

So for those that are married, how did you find a way to have extra curricular contact and not feel like a douche? I have not ever stepped out, but the temptation is strong and my willpower is getting weak. I do not want out of the marriage, but want to keep my sexual sanity. Or, am I whining/being selfish and should just except my fate?

 

[newhere2learn]

I don't get it.
- If you move the money before she spends it and there is a divorce, you will have to give her 50%.
- If you don't move the money, no matter divorce or not, she spends all 100% of it.

So why exactly is it better to do nothing? In my book it is btter to loose half, rather than everything.

My guess is that solicitors (lawyers, right?) advise about rational people, not about situations when mental problems are involved.

What I was talking about is how it works not for spouses looking to get out of a marriage, but for spouses that are trying to save their families in the face of mental illness. Same thing works for elderly parents, when they start loosing their grip on reality. If a person can't control their impulses, somebody has to do it for them.

The monthly spending is to cover bills etc.

Money rinsed on crap, is her own/debt

 

[AnnieLit]

The monthly spending is to cover bills etc.

Money rinsed on crap, is her own/debt

Her own money -- fine.
Debt -- her's or joint? If her's only it's her problem. If joint, try to get out of it.

 

[WallabyJack]

My wife and I really love each other, and she is amazing and looks great. I’m in good shape having lost about 25 pounds in the last year, which definitely got her attention. There’s lots of hugs and every morning (after we’re up and fully clothed) I wrap my arms just under her butt and lift and hug her for a full minute (one of her favorite things). Compared to a lot of folks here there is a lot of affection. Unfortunately we have mismatched sex drive compounded by her having a stressful job and her guilt over not taking care of me further compounded by her fear that her parts won’t respond. I won’t stray because that would wound her and she would blame herself. On the whole I’m pretty well off, but horny, hence here on Lit.

My first post here but this thread is great and this post is so similar to my life. I thought I had a problem with no sex but it appears that there are so many more worse off than me.

At least I am able to talk to my wife and it does sometimes help but it can also lead to conflict.
Thanks to all of the contributors so far, it has given me new perspective and a desire to try again.

 

[newhere2learn]

Her own money -- fine.
Debt -- her's or joint? If her's only it's her problem. If joint, try to get out of it.

Both. Currently biding my time. Amicable, but distant.