Sexless Marriages

[Nzerxx]

But at least you've found that there can be connections

True SV thank you for reminding me of that

I guess there are two things I forgot to mention in that post

1 the connections are all long distance - living in New Zealand tends to have that effect

2 I guess the catholic guilt now comes from the fact the guy is married

Having said that there are some really neat people on here, some that even understand me more than I get in my real life, so in many ways I wouldn't change it for the world, just that this was never the way I imagined my life panning out

 

[FunLi]

I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as in a sexless marriage but definitely sex life support. Lol. I hit my late 30s/early 40s and had a surge in my libido. My husband otoh slowed down. The disparity between our sex drives has been a bit of an issue but I love him. And it's not like we aren't physically affectionate, so that helps. But there are definitely times when I have to put my foot down and tell him that I am feeling needy and he needs to step up. I try not to do that too often because I know part of the issue is a lot of stressors in his life, so adding to those stresses would not help. But damn....sometimes I get really pissy about it. I keep hoping that after the kids leave, when we can get back to focusing on us that it will rebound. Is that a false hope?


I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence. There are times that I begin to wonder if maybe I lost weight, if I put on the makeup and took more care with my appearance....maybe he would be more interested. And other times when I feel like I should just accept feeling like an old, ugly cow and get a move on with my life such as it is.

I can get pretty frustrated as well. I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a false hope but there’s typically more to it and isn’t as easy as it sounds in the long run.

With it taking a toll on your confidence, does doing your makeup and taking extra time to care about your appearance make you happy? Because if it does then that goes a long way just for your own well-being. For me, wearing make up, getting my hair and nails done, etc. makes me feel better about myself which also plays a part in my personal confidence and happiness. If it makes you feel good/better about yourself, do it. Self care is important no matter what your situation is.

 

[ThaDonger]

Has been over 6 years for me. Can't even remember the last time my wife and I were intimate. Not sure were it went wrong, or when it ended. It was like waking one morning and that was that. I love my wife, I know I do when I look at her.

But there is a void between us. I believe she chooses to ignore it. I'm certain she knows it exist. How could she not? But what is a person to do? What you crave and desire lays next to, but you feel they no longer share those desires.

 

[Uneklensane]

Has been over 6 years for me. Can't even remember the last time my wife and I were intimate. Not sure were it went wrong, or when it ended. It was like waking one morning and that was that. I love my wife, I know I do when I look at her.

But there is a void between us. I believe she chooses to ignore it. I'm certain she knows it exist. How could she not? But what is a person to do? What you crave and desire lays next to, but you feel they no longer share those desires.

What is her response when you ask her about the relationship/lack of sex?

 

[WillJ8787]

I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence.

This so resonates with me. After having.sex with my partner i feel great, like on a drug, for days and days. I feel more desirable and I notice that I get checked out way more by women which I fucking love. I don't know if it is real or just how I'm carrying myself after making love with my significant partner.

This is where such sadness lies for me when sex and intimacy has evaporated in a marriage or significant relationship! My sexuality and intimacy are part of my very being, what I would describe as my "life layer" where true joy, happiness and contentment reside. A deficit here creates a cavernous hole in my being that affects all my other relationships!

 

[newhere2learn]

An update, but not one I wanted to be sharing...

So as some may recall I've been in this club on lit for about 5 years on and off. Well after a deterioration in her communication and MH, last weekend she announced that for her it's over. "The spark has gone".

Now, to hear that, hurts. But I've been here at least 4-6 times in 10 years with her before, always linked to her bipolar/depression and about half of those times she was attention whoring elsewhere.

She's always associated sex/lust/compliments with her self esteem. The ones I offer don't count. Some stranger says; "hey, you lost weight?" And she's wetter than an otters pocket.

So learning from prior experience, I've done nothing other than refuse to move out. As she wanted me to move to my parents and leave her in situ with the house, cars, kids, pets etc.

I've done that before, and she can't cope. Plus she moves her mum in. Which makes things tenfold worse.

So now she's gone out spending and splurging. Bought a new bed, decorated and moved into the spare room.

This apparently is; "as you've given me no option".

Her behaviour is bouncing between stone cold and shutters down one minute, to affectionate or lost the next. Which is her normal Bipolar behaviour.



She's saying she wants house sold, separate ways etc. But there's never been intent before.

Additionally now, she's calendaring herself out like a single woman, and leaving me as full time parent each evening.

From afar, it seems an "episode" rather than a "from the heart" moment.


Either way, whole bed to myself and tonnes.of time with the kids? Result.

 

[Wand3rlust]

sorry to hear that.

 

[The_gladiator]

So as some may recall I've been in this club on lit for about 5 years on and off. Well after a deterioration in her communication and MH, last weekend she announced that for her it's over. "The spark has gone".

Now, to hear that, hurts. But I've been here at least 4-6 times in 10 years with her before, always linked to her bipolar/depression and about half of those times she was attention whoring elsewhere.

She's always associated sex/lust/compliments with her self esteem. The ones I offer don't count. Some stranger says; "hey, you lost weight?" And she's wetter than an otters pocket.

So learning from prior experience, I've done nothing other than refuse to move out. As she wanted me to move to my parents and leave her in situ with the house, cars, kids, pets etc.

I've done that before, and she can't cope. Plus she moves her mum in. Which makes things tenfold worse.

So now she's gone out spending and splurging. Bought a new bed, decorated and moved into the spare room.

This apparently is; "as you've given me no option".

Her behaviour is bouncing between stone cold and shutters down one minute, to affectionate or lost the next. Which is her normal Bipolar behaviour.



She's saying she wants house sold, separate ways etc. But there's never been intent before.

Additionally now, she's calendaring herself out like a single woman, and leaving me as full time parent each evening.

From afar, it seems an "episode" rather than a "from the heart" moment.


Either way, whole bed to myself and tonnes.of time with the kids? Result.

This sounds like a manic episode. But what keeps you from granting her her requests. What would grant the children to her if she is not stable?

 

[asaxon]

Wow. Seems like leaving her with the kids would be a mistake! I would seek legal counsel, esp if she is diagnosed.

 

[pornochic]

Women have been, "being responsible for your own orgasms", for a long time . . .

 

[newhere2learn]

This sounds like a manic episode. But what keeps you from granting her her requests. What would grant the children to her if she is not stable?

"It's not what you know, it's what you can prove"

Especially when custody law heavily favours the mother.

 

[newhere2learn]

Wow. Seems like leaving her with the kids would be a mistake! I would seek legal counsel, esp if she is diagnosed.

Diagnosed in part. 15-20 year history of depression, anxiety etc.

But, she denies it & comes in/out of treatment.

 

[Lissy_Lou]

I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence. There are times that I begin to wonder if maybe I lost weight, if I put on the makeup and took more care with my appearance....maybe he would be more interested. And other times when I feel like I should just accept feeling like an old, ugly cow and get a move on with my life such as it is.

I know those feeling well. We have a long history of infertility - which given we have been together since we were 25 & 30 is a big deal. At first, our sex life took a hit because there were times when we were supposed to have sex for the purposes of baby making, which after 2 years can become very unsexy. Then he began working night shift, so even baby making sex became a quicky at 5am in the short amount of time we had between him getting home and me needing to be at work at 6. That 10 minutes was literally all the time we had together all week from Monday until Saturday. We were also raising my daughter from a previous relationship (who was 5 when we got together) so there was never just time for us.

Anyway, to cut my long story short(ish), Between all the medications I was on, and the issues that caused my infertility in the first place, I gained weight. Like you, I did think maybe if I lost it he would be interested. Maybe if I wore nice underwear for him he would be interested. Maybe if I wore different clothes, or make up or any of those things he would be interested.

And then last year, my mum was considered terminally ill (she had a major major surgery late last year and is no longer considered terminal - organ donation is amazing, please register!) and I realised that life is short. So I did all the things. I changed my clothes. I wore make up if I wanted to. spent time on me, and not all of it on him and the kids. And it changed not a damn thing. In fact, it was after this started that he moved himself out of our bedroom.

So to summarise - change you, but only if YOU want to, for yourself. If he can't love the fuck out of you the way you are then that is all on him. You are amazing just as you are.

 

[KDBisback]

I know those feeling well. We have a long history of infertility - which given we have been together since we were 25 & 30 is a big deal. At first, our sex life took a hit because there were times when we were supposed to have sex for the purposes of baby making, which after 2 years can become very unsexy. Then he began working night shift, so even baby making sex became a quicky at 5am in the short amount of time we had between him getting home and me needing to be at work at 6. That 10 minutes was literally all the time we had together all week from Monday until Saturday. We were also raising my daughter from a previous relationship (who was 5 when we got together) so there was never just time for us.

Anyway, to cut my long story short(ish), Between all the medications I was on, and the issues that caused my infertility in the first place, I gained weight. Like you, I did think maybe if I lost it he would be interested. Maybe if I wore nice underwear for him he would be interested. Maybe if I wore different clothes, or make up or any of those things he would be interested.

And then last year, my mum was considered terminally ill (she had a major major surgery late last year and is no longer considered terminal - organ donation is amazing, please register!) and I realised that life is short. So I did all the things. I changed my clothes. I wore make up if I wanted to. spent time on me, and not all of it on him and the kids. And it changed not a damn thing. In fact, it was after this started that he moved himself out of our bedroom.

So to summarise - change you, but only if YOU want to, for yourself. If he can't love the fuck out of you the way you are then that is all on him. You are amazing just as you are.

That is sad but so true of taking care of yourself

 

[ThaDonger]

What is her response when you ask her about the relationship/lack of sex?

Honestly, not really something we discuss anymore. We would discuss it it often, you know communication solves everything, agreements are made...plans fall through, date night Friday night...sorry have to work. Before you know it, weeks have passed...then, dare I say it...it's July and you realize you're 2 months shy of a year.

 

[Uneklensane]

That is sad but so true of taking care of yourself

The best statement I ever said to her..."If you could only see the beauty I see thru MY eyes when I look at you"!

 

[Drummer73]

Same thing happening with me...

The thing you’re referring to in relation to women in their 40s and 50s is termed the Sex Surge - you should google it. I was on another chat site frequented by women and there were a considerable number of women commenting about it. My own marriage has been sexless over 7 years and now I find it extremely difficult. I wouldn’t say my behaviour has been entirely exemplary for the last year but I’m finding it hard to feel bad about it.

I've been married for 25 years and seems like the sex life is over for her but it's far from over for me. I masturbate every day just so I can maybe not think about it being over. Would love to talk to you about what's going on. If you could find the time please get back to me. Thanks.

 

[tnh_06]

This thread makes me feel a little better about my “nearly” sexless marriage of once every couple of months. Sorry to hear what some of you folks are going through. My vanilla, getting worse all the time sex life, isn’t fun, but she is still a good loving person, just without a sex drive.

 

[Lissy_Lou]

This thread makes me feel a little better about my “nearly” sexless marriage of once every couple of months. Sorry to hear what some of you folks are going through. My vanilla, getting worse all the time sex life, isn’t fun, but she is still a good loving person, just without a sex drive.

This thread is basically an excellent shit hole. I hate that we are all here, but at least there is some good company

 

[newhere2learn]

This thread is basically an excellent shit hole. I hate that we are all here, but at least there is some good company

Nailed it.

 

[Wand3rlust]

So to summarise - change you, but only if YOU want to, for yourself. If he can't love the fuck out of you the way you are then that is all on him. You are amazing just as you are.

LOVE this.

 

[StrangeView]

This thread is basically an excellent shit hole. I hate that we are all here, but at least there is some good company

That about sums it up.

 

[Atwistedkitten]

As a women this is so distracting! Suffering because of his embarrassment? Putting me in positions that I shouldn’t have to think about. As well a no family at this point I don’t want it! With him at least !

 

[Kiara35]

Hi

If any of you ladies want to have someone to talk to for a deeper connection, and actually really talk, feel free to send me a message

Nice initiative by you for people looking for deeper connections
Im interested
.....

 

[mr_rippley]

Celebate marriage since around 2007. She doesn't even like being kissed or touched. We've talked about it, and it's clear she has intimacy issues due to depression and does not want treatment. I can't make that choice for her, and pushing the issue seems unfair to her as well. It certainly not her "fault" or anything. That would be ridiculous. I need to learn to live with it. Full stop.