Sexless Marriages

[quickcarl31b40]

I need to vent here for a minute if I can.

I find myself in a situation similar to many other men here. I’m a 53 married male and in the past year we’ve had sex twice. Any attempt to be intimate leads to zero response, feedback, or return of my advances. 33 years of marriage going from sex multiple times a week to now where we don’t even connect on birthdays, anniversaries, or other holidays.

This as my exploration into sexuality increases. There are so many things I want to try, and wish I had a supportive partner to experiment with me, but that’s not the case.

Lit, Porn and masturbation helps, but then there is guilt afterwords. I find myself confused and frustrated much of the time.

Thanks for listening.

 

[philos]

Good luck Carl. I hope you find a way to explore with her or a safe outlet if she won’t .

 

[quickcarl31b40]

Good luck Carl. I hope you find a way to explore with her or a safe outlet if she won’t .

Thanks Philos

 

[CrowdedStranger]

Carl your situation is almost identical to mine down to your age and years married. 3 decades is a long time to come to this isn't it? I wish you luck brother

 

[DarcyUK777]

My husband and I have always had ‘issues’ with sex. If he was interested in pursuing a label, he’d be asexual, but he isn’t, and says there is nothing wrong. Which is great, for him, he doesn’t need a label after all.

For me however, it’s always been hard. Looking back I know we should never have stayed together, let alone married. Up until a year or so ago when we finally gave up on having more kids, we were at least having sex a couple of times a month, but since then there is nothing. This year has seen him move himself out of our room and into our guest room. Essentially, we are on the fast track to separation, but there are some other pretty big issues that mean we aren’t in a position to actually separate.

Which leaves me, sitting here, not getting any, and dying as a result he has licked me exactly once in 12 years together and the last time he gave me an orgasm was 3.5 years ago. I’m so sex deprived I want to cry. The first time someone touches me after this is probably going to experience me going off like a damn atomic bomb.

I read this with such sadness Lissy_Lou.

I am a widower now, 5 years and counting, but whilst married and even after the kids, my wife and I always had a 'date night' each week. Although hard to do, we tried to do something different each time and make it special. Sure we had our ups and downs like any couple, but these nights always got us back on track and dedicating time to each other.

I've dated a few times over these 5 years and I have to say that I have had some very mixed times... I find that materialism has become prevalent with the middle aged ladies I have seen. Where have all the fun, life loving ladies gone I was asking myself?

Well, low and behold, I met a married lady one night at a charity event, the chat flowed nicely and she asked me for my mobile number! I thought originally it was to bombard me with charity stuff. Long story short, she fancied me, offered fwb no strings sex. It's been two years now, we meet when we can, probably once a month at best, but it's exciting and fun. She even asked if she could pass on my number to a few of her friends also... I'm now having the sort of life I could only have dreamed of a few years ago... so my advice Lissy, live, live and have fun... we're only here a short time and don't waste it...

Hope that helps.

 

[asaxon]

I need to vent here for a minute if I can.

I find myself in a situation similar to many other men here. I’m a 53 married male and in the past year we’ve had sex twice. Any attempt to be intimate leads to zero response, feedback, or return of my advances. 33 years of marriage going from sex multiple times a week to now where we don’t even connect on birthdays, anniversaries, or other holidays.

This as my exploration into sexuality increases. There are so many things I want to try, and wish I had a supportive partner to experiment with me, but that’s not the case.

Lit, Porn and masturbation helps, but then there is guilt afterwords. I find myself confused and frustrated much of the time.

Thanks for listening.

I feel for you Carl, esp on the guilt part. I always have that rush and euphoria with porn and master-bating, but then bam, the guilt.

 

[The_gladiator]

Man has society done a number on people if it makes them feel guilty for masturbation which is extremely normal. I have felt sad and lonely when I did it but never guilty for loving myself. If I can’t love myself how can anyone else? I feel for you gentleman or ladies who feel it’s wrong to pleasure yourself. Masturbation gets old for me, but I hope to never find shame or guilt in it.

 

[asaxon]

Catholic guilt every friggin time! Tough to break it out of one’s system.

 

[StrangeView]

Guilt is one thing that's never bothered me, as long as I'm justified.

 

[Guyblue82]

I've always wondered what my sex life would be like with someone with the same sexual drive as me. I'm pretty sure I've had an orgasm every day since I discovered I could do so, and if I haven't, I'm know I've made up for it other times. The same is not true for my wife.

The marriage isn't sexless, but we have very different "reset" schedules. She is absolutely fine with once a month adult time and I know for her, it's like clock work. She gets the desire to about a week after her period. I can pretty much look at a calendar and know when she'll start flirting and getting handsy.

A month seems like an eternity to me.... Which leads me to the black hole that is the internet, just to bridge the gap.

 

[quickcarl31b40]

Carl your situation is almost identical to mine down to your age and years married. 3 decades is a long time to come to this isn't it? I wish you luck brother

Thanks CS

 

[quickcarl31b40]

Catholic guilt every friggin time! Tough to break it out of one’s system.

Not Catholic, but a Christian upbringing can imprint a moral code on you at a young age. Not saying it’s right or wrong, just that it’s something I experience.

 

[Nzerxx]

Catholic guilt every friggin time! Tough to break it out of one’s system.

Yes! But for me I have finally let it go. Now sadly the people I have found a connection with are never single. Sigh. Which ultimately leads me back here.

 

[StrangeView]

Yes! But for me I have finally let it go. Now sadly the people I have found a connection with are never single. Sigh. Which ultimately leads me back here.

But at least you've found that there can be connections

 

[MileHighBlackDiamond]

I found this post to be eye opening as I am sorry to say I am glad I am not the only one.

We just celebrated 22 yrs, at this point if we have sex once a month that is on the frequent side. It has never been often, not even in the early years. These magazines that state most couples have sex 2-3 times per week must have some seriously sexually active pool of respondents. Some of you that have gone years, I feel for you.

The difference with some that have posted is we have great sex when we do. I have always been of the mindset that her pleasure should be met first. My threshold for holding out varies dramatically, so knowing she has achieved orgasm before intercourse has always been a priority.

She is open to some experimentation and on some rare whims will beg me to fuck her ass. She always says it was great and we need to "do it" more often lieing in the afterglow. But my attempts to set the mood, tease and initiate foreplay lead to no greater frequency, just more no's.

I have always shared household chores, making dinner, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning the house.... All done without being asked. I hear many wives complain this is why they have no labido or even deny their men, but for me this has never helped my needs.

My wife's sex drive has never been high, and she acknowledges it. I had read how some women would get the surge in their 40's, this has not been the case for us, I was truly hoping it would.

I love my wife, our life, our friends, I don't want a divorce, I just would like my sex drive to be somewhat met. I crave feel of the skin on skin, the intimacy which masturbating 6-7 times/week does not provide.

So here I find myself amongst others, joining the discussion and see where it leads.

 

[adventurelover]

I finally found my people here.

Reading every single post, I'm thinking "yes, exactly understand how you feel"

I'm so excited to know I'm not the only crazy one who wants sex after 30.
A bit about me:

I discovered my kinky side in my 20s when I moved to California.
It was a great time exploring sex. I would have considered myself as oolyamorous. But it was really more serial dating.

In my 30s I was part of a regular swingers group.
That's where I meet my wife.
She especially loved gang bangs.
I was in love.
After we got married we had a few good years...
But in the 40s things started to go bad.
(We never had kids)
We bought a house, spent the weekends renovating instead of fucking.
Then her dog died. She was sad.
Her brother passed. She was not in the mood.
Her mother was sick, no sex.
Her father passed. No sex.
. Now her mom is in the hospital again.

I love her. And will always support her

But seriously, we're late 40s now and I cannot even remember the last time we had sex

I told her in 2015 I want to go to swing clubs again. And since then it never worked out on any of the Saturday

I'm tired

2018 I gave up trying

Sigh


If there's anyone in the SF Bay Area in a similar situation, I'd love to talk
Sometimes just a passionate hug would be nice

 

[RichardBentwood]

We married when she was 18 and I was 20. This was in 1982. She was always "a good girl". When we were dating she acted like she couldn't get enough of me. A month after we were married she put me on an allowance of once a week. Lights off missionary only. When she was pregnant I would get blowjobs and doggy style. For a year in her mid 30s she was off the chain. Sex during the day. Cowgirl and 69. She always disliked me going down on her. In 2002 I basically got the I love you but not in love with you speech. We still had sex but it was duty sex only. We have not had sex in a year. The other night I asked her to join me in our bed. You would have thought she was walking the Green Mile. I failed to mention she has been sleeping in another room for a year due to my snoring. When all this shit started in 2002 we talked about splitting up. But dumbass me begged, coerced, and forced her to stay. I wished I had the balls to tell her to do what she wanted. I was only focused on saving my family.

 

[RichardBentwood]

Oh, and I never have cheated on her emotionally or physically

 

[asaxon]

It is amazing what history we all have, but lead to the same place here. The discussion is great and I do hope can be of relief to some.

Not sure if is worse for those who had a lot and now don’t get any or for those who never had much and it tails off.

I am def in the latter and it has been plain vanilla, but still great! Have yet to get a BJ from her and after 20+ years I have given up.

 

[The_gladiator]

It is amazing what history we all have, but lead to the same place here. The discussion is great and I do hope can be of relief to some.

Not sure if is worse for those who had a lot and now don’t get any or for those who never had much and it tails off.

I am def in the latter and it has been plain vanilla, but still great! Have yet to get a BJ from her and after 20+ years I have given up.

This post brings to mind the term price of admission. I personally wouldn’t enter into a relationship where oral sex wasn’t even an option, but agree that after so many years it is not likely to change for you.

 

[RichardBentwood]

I wonder if she would care if I visited an escort? But I'm horrified about getting an STD. They have some real shit now days. When I was single we never heard of HPV AIDS or Herpes

 

[asaxon]

This post brings to mind the term price of admission. I personally wouldn’t enter into a relationship where oral sex wasn’t even an option, but agree that after so many years it is not likely to change for you.

Well unfortunately she had no clue about oral before we were married. She had a truly sheltered life before marriage.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as in a sexless marriage but definitely sex life support. Lol. I hit my late 30s/early 40s and had a surge in my libido. My husband otoh slowed down. The disparity between our sex drives has been a bit of an issue but I love him. And it's not like we aren't physically affectionate, so that helps. But there are definitely times when I have to put my foot down and tell him that I am feeling needy and he needs to step up. I try not to do that too often because I know part of the issue is a lot of stressors in his life, so adding to those stresses would not help. But damn....sometimes I get really pissy about it. I keep hoping that after the kids leave, when we can get back to focusing on us that it will rebound. Is that a false hope?


I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence. There are times that I begin to wonder if maybe I lost weight, if I put on the makeup and took more care with my appearance....maybe he would be more interested. And other times when I feel like I should just accept feeling like an old, ugly cow and get a move on with my life such as it is.

 

[jjbo909]

[...]
I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence. There are times that I begin to wonder if maybe I lost weight, if I put on the makeup and took more care with my appearance....maybe he would be more interested. And other times when I feel like I should just accept feeling like an old, ugly cow and get a move on with my life such as it is.

Blulilacgrl - I have the same dream when empty-nesting isn't just during the school year.

Personally - to me, it isn't the makeup, the weight gained or lost, it is the spirit - the proverbial 'what's inside'. I'm 58. I enjoy seeing the woman who enjoys life comfortably, someone who wears their body comfortably. I am not attracted to what some factions think is the perfect mate. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Beachaged]

I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as in a sexless marriage but definitely sex life support. Lol. I hit my late 30s/early 40s and had a surge in my libido. My husband otoh slowed down. The disparity between our sex drives has been a bit of an issue but I love him. And it's not like we aren't physically affectionate, so that helps. But there are definitely times when I have to put my foot down and tell him that I am feeling needy and he needs to step up. I try not to do that too often because I know part of the issue is a lot of stressors in his life, so adding to those stresses would not help. But damn....sometimes I get really pissy about it. I keep hoping that after the kids leave, when we can get back to focusing on us that it will rebound. Is that a false hope?


I will also say that the erosion of our sex life has taken a huge hit on my confidence. There are times that I begin to wonder if maybe I lost weight, if I put on the makeup and took more care with my appearance....maybe he would be more interested. And other times when I feel like I should just accept feeling like an old, ugly cow and get a move on with my life such as it is.

I’m sure you are far from a old ugly cow. And I’m also sure he no longer looks the same as he once did. I think the lack of sex goes way beyond looks. There are usually other reasons. I also am sure there are men that would find you attractive. Intelligence, compassion and a sense of humor are all traits that can be very sexy in a person.