Feedback Request

[Jada59]

I am asking for this only because I got a comment that it was written poorly. It was an anonymous comment. The genre is BDSM. It is short.

I do know that I had to read it over many times because I kept changing tenses. I also made the mistake of getting Grammarly and using it on this story. It kept pointing out critical errors, but when I checked the errors, they were not really errors at all. Grammarly was telling me that I *may* have used the word incorrectly or spelled it wrong. Such as "to" instead of "two". Overall, I found Grammary to be a hindrance, so I deleted it.

This is my lowest rated story to date. It is also not a genre that I am overly familiar with. I will say that I wrote this for Mark. And if Mark likes it, that's all that really matters.

I am asking my fellow writers to look at it and point out any glaring errors that they see in the writing, if they are so inclined.

Thanks so much!

Link to story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-pet-13

 

[ElectricBlue]

One of the problems, I think, is the very short sentences. It's written in a very simple style, and the short sentences reinforce a mechanical, very robotic rhythm. It's very staccato, stop and start.

It's also tell, tell, tell. There's no emotion, no motivation, every character is a cardboard cut-out. There's as much interest in describing what they're going to eat as there is in describing what the women are wearing and the guy being milked.

This is harsh, but it reads as something a teenager might write, imagining a fantasy from a bad porno. Where's the experienced older woman in all of this, you know, the woman who's lived a life and knows a bit about human sexuality? She's not in this story.

You say bdsm isn't your thing - in this case, Jada, I'd fall back on the old cliche, "Write what you know." I'm sure you're a lot more interesting than this, really .

There's also lazy editing - you don't need Grammarly to fix this:

Pauline was one of my few female friends who was did like sex.

"...who was did..." ?? Try, "...who liked sex."

You can do much better than this, I reckon. Write from the heart, not from the script left on the floor.

 

[Jada59]

One of the problems, I think, is the very short sentences. It's written in a very simple style, and the short sentences reinforce a mechanical, very robotic rhythm. It's very staccato, stop and start.

It's also tell, tell, tell. There's no emotion, no motivation, every character is a cardboard cut-out. There's as much interest in describing what they're going to eat as there is in describing what the women are wearing and the guy being milked.

This is harsh, but it reads as something a teenager might write, imagining a fantasy from a bad porno. Where's the experienced older woman in all of this, you know, the woman who's lived a life and knows a bit about human sexuality? She's not in this story.

You say bdsm isn't your thing - in this case, Jada, I'd fall back on the old cliche, "Write what you know." I'm sure you're a lot more interesting than this, really .

There's also lazy editing - you don't need Grammarly to fix this:


"...who was did..." ?? Try, "...who liked sex."

You can do much better than this, I reckon. Write from the heart, not from the script left on the floor.

Oh dear. I guess I did miss that! I think the main problem is that my heart really wasn't in it. At least Mark liked it. I will stick to what I know. I expect my next story that's soon to be published won't do much better. Thanks!

 

[gordo12]

I didn't quite have the same reaction as EB. It was such a short story that character development was moot. Especially by introducing so many characters.

I started a thread on using editors the other day because of my own feelings after I used one on a story.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1499544

I ended up with short choppy sentences that lacked colour. Lacked me. I'll find out what the readers think next monday but I won't be using one much anymore.

Just to check the real pain points.

But overall I agree with EB about writing things you can put your heart into. Those turn out best.

 

[yukonnights]

One thing about BDSM, those who are seriously into it are...serious about the accuracy of the scenes. One glaring omission was the lack of agreement about the rules/limits between all the players. I don't know if this one thing caused any disappointment in the readers, but it's a thing to file away for the next one. BDSM can be very nit-picky on the details.

Another thing I noticed was the lack of emotions and interior dialogue/thoughts. For something like this, the emotions are as important as the physical descriptions in my opinion. It's not so much the physical sensations that drive a player's motivations as it is the mental/emotional aspects...power exchange and humiliation being important ones. This would be especially true in the scenario of this story. The male would be humiliated, the women would be empowered. While some forms of BDSM are driven primarily by the physical (pain), a lot is driven by these emotions.

As has been mentioned, there's too much telling going on;

EX: Lisa said that she and Pauline were going to play with him for a while because they only had a little time with Mark while I had all week.
(could be) I noticed Lisa and Pauline talking and wasn't surprised when Lisa came over and whispered, "Pauline says that she and I should play with him since we can't stick around too long. Is that okay?"

EX: I told them they could do whatever they wanted to him but I told him that he wasn't allowed to cum. He was to save all of his cum for me! (could be) "Sure, you two do whatever tickles your clit—just remember, he's not allowed to cum. I'm training him on that and he has a long way to go before he gets any relief."

Just in my opinion, it wasn't the grammar that brought the interest down. It was the way you chose to tell the story. It lacked emotion and intimacy with the characters. Actually, there is nothing wrong with the story idea. If you felt like it; I think you could write this again with more interior life and more actual dialogue instead of telling and the result would be much different. Since there's four main players, I would probably opt for a third person pov. This is especially true since Mark never said one word the entire evening...thus, we never got to know him very well at all and never knew what he was feeling, experiencing, thinking.

And in looking at it again, the name of the narrator who was participating was also never named...nor was her feelings, thoughts, emotions fully developed.

Like I said, not a bad story idea. Hope at least one of these comments/suggestions are useful.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I think the main problem is that my heart really wasn't in it. At least Mark liked it. I will stick to what I know.

I think you can always tell when a writer isn't interested in their own story, and if you're not, I don't think you can expect anyone else to be. That's why I always say, put a tiny bit of truth into every story, and wear your heart on your sleeve .

 

[Jada59]

One thing about BDSM, those who are seriously into it are...serious about the accuracy of the scenes. One glaring omission was the lack of agreement about the rules/limits between all the players. I don't know if this one thing caused any disappointment in the readers, but it's a thing to file away for the next one. BDSM can be very nit-picky on the details.

Another thing I noticed was the lack of emotions and interior dialogue/thoughts. For something like this, the emotions are as important as the physical descriptions in my opinion. It's not so much the physical sensations that drive a player's motivations as it is the mental/emotional aspects...power exchange and humiliation being important ones. This would be especially true in the scenario of this story. The male would be humiliated, the women would be empowered. While some forms of BDSM are driven primarily by the physical (pain), a lot is driven by these emotions.

As has been mentioned, there's too much telling going on;

EX: Lisa said that she and Pauline were going to play with him for a while because they only had a little time with Mark while I had all week.
(could be) I noticed Lisa and Pauline talking and wasn't surprised when Lisa came over and whispered, "Pauline says that she and I should play with him since we can't stick around too long. Is that okay?"

EX: I told them they could do whatever they wanted to him but I told him that he wasn't allowed to cum. He was to save all of his cum for me! (could be) "Sure, you two do whatever tickles your clit—just remember, he's not allowed to cum. I'm training him on that and he has a long way to go before he gets any relief."

Just in my opinion, it wasn't the grammar that brought the interest down. It was the way you chose to tell the story. It lacked emotion and intimacy with the characters. Actually, there is nothing wrong with the story idea. If you felt like it; I think you could write this again with more interior life and more actual dialogue instead of telling and the result would be much different. Since there's four main players, I would probably opt for a third person pov. This is especially true since Mark never said one word the entire evening...thus, we never got to know him very well at all and never knew what he was feeling, experiencing, thinking.

And in looking at it again, the name of the narrator who was participating was also never named...nor was her feelings, thoughts, emotions fully developed.

Like I said, not a bad story idea. Hope at least one of these comments/suggestions are useful.

Thanks. You are probably spot on. I am somewhat into BDSM but not as a lifestyle. My partners and I always just seemed to read each other well. We never used safe words.

As for the people in the story... I don't know the guy very well. The two women are my real life friends and the one really does own a sex shop but I am not in close contact with them at present. So that in and of itself could be part of the problem.

The narrator in the story was me but I will admit that I was not sure what my part was going to be in this story so I attempted to turn the action over to my friends and that sort of failed.

I suspect that my story that just got published may suffer the same fate. It's about a fetish that I don't really have,

I should just stick to what I know.

Thanks!

 

[Jada59]

I think you can always tell when a writer isn't interested in their own story, and if you're not, I don't think you can expect anyone else to be. That's why I always say, put a tiny bit of truth into every story, and wear your heart on your sleeve .

My stories always have at least some bits of truth in them. But I guess this one didn't have enough.

Thanks!

 

[gunhilltrain]

Thanks. You are probably spot on. I am somewhat into BDSM but not as a lifestyle. My partners and I always just seemed to read each other well. We never used safe words.

As for the people in the story... I don't know the guy very well. The two women are my real life friends and the one really does own a sex shop but I am not in close contact with them at present. So that in and of itself could be part of the problem.

The narrator in the story was me but I will admit that I was not sure what my part was going to be in this story so I attempted to turn the action over to my friends and that sort of failed.

I suspect that my story that just got published may suffer the same fate. It's about a fetish that I don't really have,

I should just stick to what I know.

Thanks!

I would qualify that advice a bit: you don't necessarily have to write exactly about things you've actually done or even heard about from others. Fantasy can be a fine source of material - maybe the idea (trick?) is to render the fantasy as if was reality.

I've written a couple of BDSM stories and will write more. However I have only a very small amount of real-life experience with it; I just made up most of it. There are other themes (gigolos, prostitution, role playing) I've used that I have no real experiences with at all.

So don't limit yourself. You must have had some motivation to pick the theme and plot you did. And as we've said here before, look at the readership voting (we all do) but that is not everything. I used to think it would be easy to get a 4.5 on everything but it's not. Maye it's not that important. I feel better accepting that.

 

[AwkwardMD]

This reads like a forum RP that goes back and forth, and only boils down to a series of actions in linear sequence. The interruption in flow has nothing to do with the sentence structure, or the grammar. Each parapraph is disjointed from what came before in much the same way para roleplays do, because you are not threading any kind of cohesiveness through it.

The potential of stories is to make something that is more than the sum of their parts, and My Pet does not capitalize on that. It is exactly the sum of its parts and nothing more. This is dictation more than it is storytelling.

 

[Jada59]

This reads like a forum RP that goes back and forth, and only boils down to a series of actions in linear sequence. The interruption in flow has nothing to do with the sentence structure, or the grammar. Each parapraph is disjointed from what came before in much the same way para roleplays do, because you are not threading any kind of cohesiveness through it.

The potential of stories is to make something that is more than the sum of their parts, and My Pet does not capitalize on that. It is exactly the sum of its parts and nothing more. This is dictation more than it is storytelling.

Thanks!

 

[bone251]

I am asking for this only because I got a comment that it was written poorly. It was an anonymous comment. The genre is BDSM. It is short.

I do know that I had to read it over many times because I kept changing tenses. I also made the mistake of getting Grammarly and using it on this story. It kept pointing out critical errors, but when I checked the errors, they were not really errors at all. Grammarly was telling me that I *may* have used the word incorrectly or spelled it wrong. Such as "to" instead of "two". Overall, I found Grammary to be a hindrance, so I deleted it.

This is my lowest rated story to date. It is also not a genre that I am overly familiar with. I will say that I wrote this for Mark. And if Mark likes it, that's all that really matters.

I am asking my fellow writers to look at it and point out any glaring errors that they see in the writing, if they are so inclined.

Thanks so much!

Link to story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-pet-13

Jada, I loved it. Just having a story by a girl of these things is fun!

I have a recent story that involved girls I was able to please. It was still a guy written thing but the girls had fun.

An older story I did I was able to find a female editor and that helped.

Have confidence that many guys are wishing they could be your friend reading your stuff.

A girl that is a dancer and writes hot stuff, you got my attention.

 

[Jada59]

Jada, I loved it. Just having a story by a girl of these things is fun!

I have a recent story that involved girls I was able to please. It was still a guy written thing but the girls had fun.

An older story I did I was able to find a female editor and that helped.

Have confidence that many guys are wishing they could be your friend reading your stuff.

A girl that is a dancer and writes hot stuff, you got my attention.

Thanks so much! *Hug*

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks so much! *Hug*

See, I told you it was a good story idea. I just know you can make it better All of our stories find those who hate them and those who love them. I've been working with another of the female authors here recently, and I told her that her power was in the fact that she could give us males a peek into the mind of a woman. You'd be surprised how just that can be interesting to some of us. Play on it, build it up with thoughts, emotions, embarrassment, arousal, feelings of dominance or submission...even love and love lost. All the while, slipping in the 'secret life of a woman' along the way.

 

[Jada59]

See, I told you it was a good story idea. I just know you can make it better All of our stories find those who hate them and those who love them. I've been working with another of the female authors here recently, and I told her that her power was in the fact that she could give us males a peek into the mind of a woman. You'd be surprised how just that can be interesting to some of us. Play on it, build it up with thoughts, emotions, embarrassment, arousal, feelings of dominance or submission...even love and love lost. All the while, slipping in the 'secret life of a woman' along the way.

Thanks! My newest one that was published earlier today is at 4.75. I guess the other one just wasn't my thing but the guy I wrote it for did like it. So it's still a winner in my mind.

 

[yukonnights]

Thanks! My newest one that was published earlier today is at 4.75. I guess the other one just wasn't my thing but the guy I wrote it for did like it. So it's still a winner in my mind.

Yes, the new one seems written by a different person. No problem at all getting a nice picture in my head as I read it. But, Mark's story was a good learning experience for us all...both author and commenters. And if Mark is happy, we can all be happy
(Although, Mark may now wish for the real thing...three ladies with a bag full of toys You may have lit the fuse on a very big kinky firecracker )

 

[Jada59]

Yes, the new one seems written by a different person. No problem at all getting a nice picture in my head as I read it. But, Mark's story was a good learning experience for us all...both author and commenters. And if Mark is happy, we can all be happy
(Although, Mark may now wish for the real thing...three ladies with a bag full of toys You may have lit the fuse on a very big kinky firecracker )

Shhhh... Don't tell anyone!

I have gotten PMs from people who loved the story.

I will get back to the one I am writing now. It's longer than what I usually write, at the request of the person I am writing it for. But I will make sure to read it though many times and attempt to make corrections.

Thanks!