Not a poet but I am occasionally inspired

[Dejah_thoris_of_Mars]

Something in another forum inspired this. I don't know where else to put it.

It isn’t just that I Need it


It’s the slight knowing smile that sees my need
It’s the way I hold my breath
I anticipate
I NEED
It’s your touch.
It’s pain.
It’s goosebumps from my shivering skin It’s the delicate trace and hard smack
It’s the filthy words and the exhalation of your breath everywhere on my skin
It’s the rage that you draw out of me and turn into peace with your voiceless command
I never know what to expect but I need it all the same.
I need your pleasure and your depravity and the kindness that drowns my soul
I am bad and selfish because I need it and I want it and it should only be about you
But my pleasure is in your lust and your hardness
I moan and grind and squirm for you.
I need it.
It isn’t just that I need it.
It’s that you need me to need it.
It is the icy cold breath of air on a sunny winter day.
It is the warmth and contentment of staring into a crackling fire.
Your need is the abyss to which I crawl.
Because your need is my serenity.

 

[Senna Jawa]

"my my I I ..."

Without any chatting or similar, let's look at the contents of the consecutive lines of your text, where * stands for a line without any self-addressing:

my my I I * * my my me (I+I) (I+my)
(I+I) my I I I me * * I my​

Out of 21 lines, you have managed 4 lines without self-addressing while 17 do, including three lines which self-address twice (for a total of 20 self-addresses).

You love yourself but you also love "IT":

it it * * it it (it+it) it it it * (it+it+it)
* * it (it+it) (it+it) it it it * *​

Out of 21 lines, you have managed 7 lines without IT while 14 do, including three with double-IT and one with triple-IT (for a total of 19 ITs).

How about be/am/'s/is (including isn't)?

's 's * * 's 's ('s+'s) 's 's * * (am+be) is * * is 's is is is is
​

Out of 21 lines, you have managed 6 lines without_ be/am/'s/is _while 15 do, including two lines with a double usage of these four inactive verbs (for a total of 17).

 

[butters]

yes, there's a lot of dead weight you can trim out of this. but that's a good thing! it can be honed and buffed, still convey what you want it to whilst reading 'cleaner'.

played with this a bit just to illustrate the sort of trims you could make. NOT saying THIS IS HOW IT MUST BE. it's your poem. what you have here, in its original, tells me what you want to say but it doesn't use the strongest way to express it. it's good to get it down and out, the 'what you want to say' - and then you take it from there, to make a poem of it

NEED

Small curve of your smile tastes it
in breath held
anticipation

my need
your touch
gifter of pain

goosebumps on shivering skin
delicate trace and hard smack
filthy words brand the air
your hot breath a poultice

this
rage drained from me
poison to peace
through your voiceless command

 

[Dejah_thoris_of_Mars]

Thank you so much for reading and giving me your feedback. It truly means a lot. It's been a really long time since I have even attempted to write anything (2016!) and I wasn't thinking critically about how I wrote it. I will work on it tonight and I would be grateful for any responses to the edits.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I wasn't thinking critically [...]

Welcome to PF&D. Thank you for the kind reply.

Statistics are only statistics, and they do not decide about poetry or art. Actually, exceptions to statistics can be (but rarely are) extra wonderful. Statistics provide one with signals.

Above, self-addressing is very common in poetry, and your poem is not critical in this respect. The other two statistics are perhaps indeed so-to-speak (more) dangerous and the three together even still more so.

About self-addressing, somehow your poem is too much in a style of admiring your belly button, like you were the belly button of the Universe.

Possibly, I'll write more in the Finer Points thread in general (I'd write more often in that thread and elsewhere if not for... oh, never mind ).

Best regards,

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hello and welcome to the Poetry forum, I hope you DO stay and write with us, try to read, read, read the poems of others and the teaching threads full of useful information. Don't be afraid to ask, we were all newbs once and my PMs are always open if you have any problems.

 

[Pureeye]

Hello. Nice poem, I can not give helpful tips because I am an aspiring writer too and just started to learn all the technical aspects and rules of writing poetry. But it seems to me that the most important thing is that everything we write comes from the heart and soul and be sincere. I also write essays, sometimes I ask for help from professionals to get the editors and recommendations from Edusson. Later, I want to share my work there. The main thing is never to stop and always learn something new.

 

[Senna Jawa]

[...] essay format [...]

You seem to advertise some editing formats.

There is nothing like LaTeX, forget the rest. The revolution was made by professor Donald Knuth and his TeX. It was a wonderful intellectual achievement. The whole history of TeX and its descendants is fascinating. There is also AmS-TeX, and also some libraries. But just LaTeX alone would be already great!

 

[maxmayer221]

I LIKE it... good poem