What do you want in a partner?

[Jada59]

I was talking to a guy last night. He said women don't want a partner who is a gentleman. They want a bad boy. He might be right!

I have a friend who looks really good on paper. Easy on the eyes, handy with all sorts of things, wealthy and always the perfect gentleman. But to me? He's like the older brother I never had. There is just no spark there. He has had girlfriends but they always seemed to use him for something. Either his money or his ability to fix things.

He had a finance. She got pregnant by another man. Wound up dumping my friend and married the other guy. I found out recently that he went deeply into debt for her. She kept demanding expensive jewelry from him. And she just plain wasn't nice. He and I were talking and she came up in between us, shoving us apart and hissing at me to stay away from him.

More recently, that same woman took up with his best friend! Both of them were still married when the affair happened.

I also remember a discussion some years ago about the actor, Fred MacMurray.

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0534045/

He seemed to have it all. Great and sought after actor, handsome, wealthy, snappy dresser and always the perfect gentleman. And yet? He wasn't being chased by women like other actors at that time were. Such as Rock Hudson. Rock was actually gay but he had a bit of a devil may care attitude, at least on film. He made women swoon!

So... What sorts of things do you look for or desire in a mate? I would be hard pressed to come up with a list but I'll look at some answers and try to come up with something.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Honesty, communication, good sense of humor. Solid, grounded, and willing to put up with/call me on my shit. Loving, affectionate.... Those are my top things.

But now can I ask a question? What is your friend looking for? If he is constantly with women who use him, then it seems the common denominator is him. I used to hear this from my male friends a lot. Good guys. A few that when I was single I was really interested in. And yes they wanted a "good" woman. Thing is they all wanted that good woman to come in a package of 32-36-32 (if you catch my drift). My advice (although be fairwarned my guy friends hated it when I pointed it out) try looking at all the women he dates and find the common denominator amongst them. That might give you a clue as to why he makes the choices that he does and keeps ending up with same kind of person.

 

[Jada59]

Honesty, communication, good sense of humor. Solid, grounded, and willing to put up with/call me on my shit. Loving, affectionate.... Those are my top things.

But now can I ask a question? What is your friend looking for? If he is constantly with women who use him, then it seems the common denominator is him. I used to hear this from my male friends a lot. Good guys. A few that when I was single I was really interested in. And yes they wanted a "good" woman. Thing is they all wanted that good woman to come in a package of 32-36-32 (if you catch my drift). My advice (although be fairwarned my guy friends hated it when I pointed it out) try looking at all the women he dates and find the common denominator amongst them. That might give you a clue as to why he makes the choices that he does and keeps ending up with same kind of person.

I think those would be my top things too along with wanting to learn and grow with me.

As for my friend, I think you hit the nail on the head. I won't go into our conversation here but I did tell him just in talking to me of all the things he pointed out that he could do for me. I told him that he needed to stop doing that. Make an offer and somebody will take you up on it but they may only be interested in what you can/will do for them and not you at all.

 

[PattiJolene]

Maybe a bad boy in the bedroom, but a gentleman in public, opens car doors for you and uses kind words...invites into a conversation when his fiends are around. Hardworking, loving, gentle at heart, holds your hand to show you off ...but the very very most important is he must be honest and the will to communicate his thoughts. Have l gone over board lol!!

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

Most want a bad boy with a conscious.

At this point in my life, I'll settle for just a date.

 

[dashie33]

Someone with a pulse.

Or, you know, not.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

Someone with a pulse.

Or, you know, not.

That always helps. Lowered expectations. Sadly, I agree.

 

[KarenB59]

My 'wish' list would be someone who has a great sense of humor, is trustworthy, easy to talk to, supportive, romantic.

 

[kurrginatorX]

I hope you ladies don't mind me adding my two cents to this. Yes, yes, I understand that this is yet another in a series of times that I should keep my mouth shut and silently move along, but Jada has brought up something I have always believed, spoken against, and yes, even mentioned on a thread here at Lit only to be told that I was wrong, that I had met all the wrong people, etc. I guess simply because a woman acknowledges my beliefs then it is okay to agree with her. Be that as it may …

Ask a woman what she is looking for in a man and she will more than likely say something to the effect of, "I want someone who will accept me for who I am, accept my baggage (kids, crazy ex, other familial issues), lend emotional support in everything I attempt to accomplish, and treat me the way I deserve to be treated." Once she is presented with a man who meets this criteria, all of a sudden she amends her little wish list to, "Oh, well, he must also be handsome, have the body of a Greek god, a cock the size of Texas, and plenty of money to buy me the things I want." The only exception to this amendment will be the "bad boy."

The woman who scoffs the good guy and readily accepts the bad boy opens herself to just that: bad. Eventually (but not necessarily always) the bad boy will treat her like shit and she will wonder why. Isn't it obvious? She is being treated the way she deserves to be treated. The superficiality she has espoused has finally caught up with her, and even still, once this relationship ends she will find another "bad boy," and another, and another. She will eventually make her way back to the good guy who will see that she is damaged goods, more damaged than he was willing to accept initially.

I know we all have an idealized blueprint for what comprises the perfect mate, but just as I answered on the "Princess Looking for her Prince Charming" thread, there really is no such things as the perfect anybody; it is only through compromise and acceptance that we get what we want.

The absolute best relationship I ever had, the woman and I were as such:

She: Christian, Liberal, two small kids (8 and 6)

Me: Atheist, Conservative, All my kids grown, not wanting to raise anymore.

During our year-plus relationship we never had a single argument. We would debate issues, and at the end of the day if one could not sway the other then we would agree to disagree and the matter would be dead until brought back up for discussion once again. Our labels never interfered with our love, because through compromise and acceptance it was the intellectual stimulation we provided one another (she a lawyer and me working toward a Masters in English) that allowed us to look past those labels.

All I'm saying is that if women in general (and men too, for that matter) would focus on what is most important--and no, that is not the same as one lowering his or her standards--then we all could be happy, could we not? Probably not, since everyone covets what someone else has.

Well, that's my two cent's worth. Let the trolling and bashing begin.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

In this statement there is an element of truth that can't be denied. There is no perfect person. Pencils have erasers for a reason. It's a give and take, what you accept and what you don't (and some things unforseen).

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

So what exactly constitutes a "bad boy"?

 

[dashie33]

So what exactly constitutes a "bad boy"?

James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause is considered the template.

 

[sangerin]

Great thread!

Someone who can communicate with me on a deeper level and accept me for me. Flaws and all. Someone who would allow me to be there for them and lots of trust.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause is considered the template.

Do guys like that...exist? Lol

 

[Tenderkiss]

I wish my partner would be who they were 18 years ago. We all change and circumstances change things.

I just miss what was and what is is something I didn’t expect at this stage in life. I thought things would keep getting better and better. I was mistaken.

 

[DeckardNYC]

I think BCC hit it on the head (and is that a Fleabag reference?) -- perfection cannot be found, you will need to deal with flaws. That's where love and trust come in on both sides. I think Kurrginator got close there, but I'd like to suggest an alternative: perhaps the woman he speaks of didn't "deserve" the bad boy because of her desire for the perfect man, perhaps she accepted the relationship with the bad boy due to her underlying self esteem issues. Bad people, like bullies, often gravitate toward weaker people who they feel will accept their bad behavior due to low self esteem (I know, that's pretty simplified). Jada, this might also apply to your friend -- is he really choosing his partners, or do they choose him?

 

[beachbaby179]

Agree with most of the above. But I'm not giving a list, because I know I'll never find someone who "checks all the boxes ". I will know him when I find him.

 

[kurrginatorX]

I think BCC hit it on the head (and is that a Fleabag reference?) -- perfection cannot be found, you will need to deal with flaws. That's where love and trust come in on both sides. I think Kurrginator got close there, but I'd like to suggest an alternative: perhaps the woman he speaks of didn't "deserve" the bad boy because of her desire for the perfect man, perhaps she accepted the relationship with the bad boy due to her underlying self esteem issues. Bad people, like bullies, often gravitate toward weaker people who they feel will accept their bad behavior due to low self esteem (I know, that's pretty simplified). Jada, this might also apply to your friend -- is he really choosing his partners, or do they choose him?

Okay, Deckard. I'm not here to get into a pissing contest with you, but I do feel that I need to address what you said. First, what BCC said was a very brief synopsis of the point I made, so credit me, not her.

Second, I was not speaking of a specific woman, but women in general. I am 53, so let's say that 35 years of empirical observation coupled with the conversations I have had with men and women alike, not to mention what is presented in novels, on television, and in movies, have all led me to the conclusion I have drawn.

It seems that in your mad dash to endear yourself to the female populace here (I actually predicted this would happen with someone on this very thread) you would readily throw me under the bus to make more passionate reasoning behind someone's actions, but you cannot be all-inclusive in your remark simply because
it does not languish in all-inclusivity.

Your statement has merit, I grant you that much, but at the end of the day it is what it is, and what it is, is Fickle.

 

[Tenderkiss]

The question that keeps popping in my mind, is what if it’s me. It’s not that I can’t find the right partner, it’s that I haven’t learned how to be the right partner.

 

[janeyl]

I think BCC hit it on the head (and is that a Fleabag reference?) -- perfection cannot be found, you will need to deal with flaws. That's where love and trust come in on both sides. I think Kurrginator got close there, but I'd like to suggest an alternative: perhaps the woman he speaks of didn't "deserve" the bad boy because of her desire for the perfect man, perhaps she accepted the relationship with the bad boy due to her underlying self esteem issues. Bad people, like bullies, often gravitate toward weaker people who they feel will accept their bad behavior due to low self esteem (I know, that's pretty simplified). Jada, this might also apply to your friend -- is he really choosing his partners, or do they choose him?

My sister's psychotherapist told her that there are some theories now that show the opposite in some cases. Narcissists actually target those who are stronger because it gives them more satisfaction to break them.

 

[Deleted member 3041612]

Date yourself. Explore what you like and what you don't. Be content with your decisions. When you're ready to broaden that scope letting someone in, that person shoud be adding to you, challenging to you...whatever your standards may be. You decide. Your choices matter.

 

[Disturbingimage]

The question that keeps popping in my mind, is what if it’s me. It’s not that I can’t find the right partner, it’s that I haven’t learned how to be the right partner.

Thats it! i think this is right on.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Integrity is high on my list. Wisdom, discretion, self-fucking-control.

If i can't respect him, we're going nowhere.

 

[JerseyJade]

Me personally, I don't ask for much when it comes to what I want in a partner:

I want someone who will accept me for who I am, accept my baggage (kids, crazy ex, other familial issues), lend emotional support in everything I attempt to accomplish, and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. he must also be handsome, have the body of a Greek god, a cock the size of Texas, and plenty of money to buy me the things I want.

(Yes, I'm being sarcastic.)

 

[dashie33]

Me personally, I don't ask for much when it comes to what I want in a partner:

I want someone who will accept me for who I am, accept my baggage (kids, crazy ex, other familial issues), lend emotional support in everything I attempt to accomplish, and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.. he must also be handsome, have the body of a Greek god, a cock the size of Texas, and plenty of money to buy me the things I want.

(Yes, I'm being sarcastic.)

I have the body of a Greek god. Specifically: Silenus.