FF’s hideout

[Forest_Fun]

FF’s hideout (refuge from a sexless marriage)

I have a pic thread since earlier, but I decided I wanted to keep that light and fun and instead create a new place for me to vent about other stuff. Stuff like my dead bedroom.

First off – according to google the definition of a dead bedroom is when you have sex less then 10 times a year. Some don’t get sex at all and some people are unhappy because they won’t get laid every week. The definition however seems to be 10 times a year or less.

I don’t do statistics, but I would guess I have sex on average 6 times a year. Been with the same guy for 20 years. This is the reason why I started to post pics of myself in the first place. Being rejected for so long will fuck with your head, I can tell you that! Lingerie, no underwear at all, strutting around naked…. nothing made a difference - I couldn’t get my own husband to have sex with me and I thought I must be completely un-sexy. I decided to face my fear and put myself out there for everyone to see to get an answer….. Is it me? And a big thank you from all my heart to all you kind Litsters out there – you really boosted my self-esteem……I have regained my confidence and I feel really good about myself right now.

Being in a dead bedroom isn’t really something you want to tell people though. It´s a touchy subject…. I haven’t talked to any friends about this even though it has been going on for several years. It has felt wrong to talk to anybody about this, who will meet him in real life. Finally – before Christmas – I felt utterly desperate and alone and opened up to a friend. Felt really good to talk about everything and she has been a great friend who has listened, and I trust her to keep quiet about this. However, I feel like I need to vent more and I don’t want to overshare with the only friend I have that knows about this….. Solution? Let’s turn to Lit again!

This thread will be my little hideout where I can go and be angry, frustrated, serious, philosophical or just laugh about it all (because some off the shit hubby does to avoid sex is actually kinda fun).

Feel free to say something (preferably nice), cheer me on or give me suggestions about fun stuff I can do on my own, sex toys I should buy, share a story about your own relationship etc but if you want to tell me how I should talk to my husband (or that I should leave him ASAP) – think about the fact that A) you only hear my part of the story B) You only hear what I share, which isn’t everything.

Topics that probably will come up in my future posts:

Why do I stay

Rejections

Fun on my own

The talk…. and talk….and talk….

Sex and starfish sex

Shit hubby do to avoid sex

Cheating

Or

Whatever I feel like writing about….

 

[Chewbacca79]

*waves*

Hi FF, I don't know you but this thread looks like it could be interesting.

 

[fletchx]

Having been in a similar situation myself at one point, I hope you find a solution, or at least a healthy way to cope. I'm forever grateful for my friends, both in real life and online, that listened to me and gave me support, advice, and encouragement.

 

[Cthulhu1138]

Your pic thread is amazing

You are amazing.

Sometimes the people we love for so many reasons don't click, or stop clicking on a physical level.

As a fan of Monty Python I would say (of my own marriage)
"it's not dead. It's just resting."

There is affection, and love, but when it comes to sex, it seems like a chore for her.


My point is that you are wonderful, and you--sadly--are not alone.

 

[WerdNerd]

Great thread FF.

I have admired your pics since you started posting. Fun and very sexy.

I think that there are a lot of us here on Lit for the exact same reason as you-dead bedroom. I didn't even know there was a term for it.

Rejection does suck and it hurts a lot too. Not just at the moment it happens but it does breakdown your self confidence too. More often than not the partner doesn't even realize that saying "I'm just not in the mood," is rejection or the effect it can have.

Lit has been great for me. Not only boosting my self confidence by the response to my pictures and flirting but also to help me understand what my wife is going through that has caused her desire and sex drive to more or less disappear.

Sex is truly one of the great joys of life and as much as it sucks to be rejected by your lover I think it would suck even more to lose interest in one of lifes greatest pleasures.

Lit is a great outlet for those of us who are in love but not making love.

 

[Forest_Fun]

*waves*

Hi FF, I don't know you but this thread looks like it could be interesting.

Well, if you keep coming back to this thread you’ll know more about me then many of the ones who know me irl.....

Having been in a similar situation myself at one point, I hope you find a solution, or at least a healthy way to cope. I'm forever grateful for my friends, both in real life and online, that listened to me and gave me support, advice, and encouragement.

Anything in particular that you’d like to pass on?

Your pic thread is amazing

You are amazing.

Sometimes the people we love for so many reasons don't click, or stop clicking on a physical level.

As a fan of Monty Python I would say (of my own marriage)
"it's not dead. It's just resting."

There is affection, and love, but when it comes to sex, it seems like a chore for her.


My point is that you are wonderful, and you--sadly--are not alone.

Aaaww, thanks! And I love Monty Python too! That parrot-scene is priceless!

Great thread FF.

I have admired your pics since you started posting. Fun and very sexy.

I think that there are a lot of us here on Lit for the exact same reason as you-dead bedroom. I didn't even know there was a term for it.

Rejection does suck and it hurts a lot too. Not just at the moment it happens but it does breakdown your self confidence too. More often than not the partner doesn't even realize that saying "I'm just not in the mood," is rejection or the effect it can have.

Lit has been great for me. Not only boosting my self confidence by the response to my pictures and flirting but also to help me understand what my wife is going through that has caused her desire and sex drive to more or less disappear.

Sex is truly one of the great joys of life and as much as it sucks to be rejected by your lover I think it would suck even more to lose interest in one of lifes greatest pleasures.

Lit is a great outlet for those of us who are in love but not making love.

That is so true! I have thought about what it would be like if I could make myself stop wanting sex.... But nah! I like feeling horny! And it’s not like I have a crazy libido because I want sex more than 6 times a year.... I’m just normal, I’d say...

 

[fletchx]

Anything in particular that you’d like to pass on?

I don't think so, just generalities that you already seem to have a good handle on. Every relationship is unique, but discussion, followed by self-reflection, is always helpful.

 

[WerdNerd]

Well, if you keep coming back to this thread you’ll know more about me then many of the ones who know me irl.....


Anything in particular that you’d like to pass on?


Aaaww, thanks! And I love Monty Python too! That parrot-scene is priceless!


That is so true! I have thought about what it would be like if I could make myself stop wanting sex.... But nah! I like feeling horny! And it’s not like I have a crazy libido because I want sex more than 6 times a year.... I’m just normal, I’d say...

Feeling horny is such a good feeling. I wouldn't trade it for the world either. Your pictures certainly help me achieve that goal.

 

[Bradical24]

Hello FF! I truly understand your bedroom challenges.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Hi we may have a lot in common, so I thought I’d subscribe.

 

[Jada59]

Agree about the dead bedroom. BTDT. Now divorced!

 

[Forest_Fun]

I don't think so, just generalities that you already seem to have a good handle on. Every relationship is unique, but discussion, followed by self-reflection, is always helpful.

Yes, I hope to get some input, inspiration and even some challenges out of this thread!

Feeling horny is such a good feeling. I wouldn't trade it for the world either. Your pictures certainly help me achieve that goal.

Lol, happy to hear that!

Hello FF! I truly understand your bedroom challenges.

And I’m sorry for you - that you understand.....

Hi we may have a lot in common, so I thought I’d subscribe.

Welcome to my thread. Too bad you have to deal with this too, but it’s nice not to be alone....

Agree about the dead bedroom. BTDT. Now divorced!

I think I read your story somewhere.... Wasn’t he a real douche in every possible aspect? If I remember correctly, I must say ”congrats to your divorce”!

 

[Forest_Fun]

Libido

LL and HL is a commonly used term when reading about dead bedrooms. That means Low Libido and High Libido. In my relationship I am the HLF (high libido female) and hubs are LLM (low libido male). These abbreviations are relative to one another, and has nothing to do with how sex-crazed you are... I could be an LLF in relation to another person. Just because I want more sex then I get from my husband, doesn’t mean that I want sex ”all the time” and with ”anyone available”. If I were craving sex in those amounts I would have given up my marriage a long time ago.... I am not ”excessively horny”, even though my dear husband has told me so, and I refuse to be ashamed of my sexdrive.

Libidos will go up and down throughout a life together. That should be fine. Work, kids.... Nagging about sex is really a turn off (and a cranky mood even more so), but in the ideal relationship you should be able to talk about your sexlife and keep it important even though you don’t necessarily have it a lot. And if the period of no sex/infrequent sex seem to go on for a long time, even after whatever caused it to begin with, is over and done with, actions should be taken (unless you are happy, it is fine if both of you are....) and those should be a shared responsibility!

I talked to a therapist about my situation once and she said that it is usually easier to start to talk about these things in a new relationship instead of when you have been together for a long time. I can totally feel the truth in that.... If I ever do end up with a new partner again, I will make it a point to adress sex once a week or so in a non-sexual setting. Just to keep it on the agenda and present in our relationship and to be able to talk about wants and needs in a more non-threatening environment. Right now, I can not do that since every time I mention the word sex his defense-mechanism sets in....

 

[Intrigued42]

Re: Libido

I guess that makes me the HLM in my 40-year relationship with a LLF.

You’re right about the communication but I’m not sure that can be the be-all and end all to improving things. Talks most definitely need to be at a time when there are no other pressing needs. I like the weekly revisiting of the issues idea, FF. Approaching the topic when one is horny and is hoping to end up in a passionate encounter is counter-productive. BTDT.

Having an, otherwise, wonderful marriage it feels as though I’ve settled for compromises, which are always going to be part of an on-going, successful relationship. I shouldn’t complain. 105 times per year sounds downright salacious: 2x/week + a bonus on my birthday or some other significant holiday that doesn’t fall on those pre-determined days of the week.

Still. There’s very little passion or creativity. She wants to please and probably thinks she is doing so as she will always get results. I feel as though I’m always pushing the edges of the envelope of what she’d prefer and she probably feels as though she’s putting up with way more than she’d like to tolerate.

Thanks for starting this thread. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. Maybe we can all learn some things about ourselves and our relationships by staying tuned!

 

[sexywriterfla]

Mind if I chime in? Fantastic hideout, by the way....

 

[Forest_Fun]

Mind if I chime in? Fantastic hideout, by the way....

Of course you can! The more the merrier!

 

[Forest_Fun]

Re: Libido

I guess that makes me the HLM in my 40-year relationship with a LLF.

You’re right about the communication but I’m not sure that can be the be-all and end all to improving things. Talks most definitely need to be at a time when there are no other pressing needs. I like the weekly revisiting of the issues idea, FF. Approaching the topic when one is horny and is hoping to end up in a passionate encounter is counter-productive. BTDT.

Having an, otherwise, wonderful marriage it feels as though I’ve settled for compromises, which are always going to be part of an on-going, successful relationship. I shouldn’t complain. 105 times per year sounds downright salacious: 2x/week + a bonus on my birthday or some other significant holiday that doesn’t fall on those pre-determined days of the week.

Still. There’s very little passion or creativity. She wants to please and probably thinks she is doing so as she will always get results. I feel as though I’m always pushing the edges of the envelope of what she’d prefer and she probably feels as though she’s putting up with way more than she’d like to tolerate.

Thanks for starting this thread. Know that you are not alone in your struggles. Maybe we can all learn some things about ourselves and our relationships by staying tuned!

Yes I totally agree that relationships are a lot about compromises. Seems like you and your wife are both doing your job at that.... I’ve heard comments like yours before though.... That the lack of passion and creativity is very frustrating. I totally understand because there’s so many things i’d like to experience but the few times we have sex, it is usually one out of two scenarios that i get.... But sure, since those occasions are so few, I can’t say I’m bored of them yet....

 

[Forest_Fun]

Rejections

Rejections.... sometimes I wonder how i’d be with someone else since my advances are always shot down (and have been for many years). Will this shit I’ve gone through (and still do) haunt me in the future? Or will I go stir crazy and think of new ways to initiate sex all the time and wear the poor guy out...? I fear the first and hope for the latter....

I guess my hubby got a bit tired of my advances because he started to reject me in ways that got more and more rude. It didn’t stop until I totally lost it one night about a year ago maybe a year and a half.... and told him a bunch of not so nice things. I still get rejected but now he is much nicer about it.

His favorite thing to say whenever I tried to kiss him used to be different variations of ”stop acting like a bitch in heat”.

I can come out of the shower, naked, straddle his lap and start kissing him and he’ll say ”can you get out of the way? I can’t see the tv....”

If I refuse to move he’ll just look at me and say ”this is going to hurt....” And it does! He can pinch really hard... I’m no masochist, I will definitely get out of the way.

My friend (that I mentioned in earlier posts) said to me ”how odd, doesn’t he get turned on because you are turned on? Mine sure does. Lust creates lust” And that made me start thinking... And no! He doesn’t... Whatever I feel (sexually) doesn’t mean anything to him. I do, however, react to his lust. The few times we do have sex I love that he is horny, that he wants me. It makes me want him. To bad it is such a one way street...

 

[Intrigued42]

Rejections are hard to handle, for sure!

Rejections....

His favorite thing to say whenever I tried to kiss him used to be different variations of ”stop acting like a bitch in heat”.

I can come out of the shower, naked, straddle his lap and start kissing him and he’ll say ”can you get out of the way? I can’t see the tv....”

...

Amazing. When I first read this I was saddened for you and then realized some parallels, in reverse. I started to calculate the value of a partner that "act[ed] like a bitch in heat" and came up with priceless.

You wouldn't interfere with my tv viewing as mine is off 90% of the time. And, with a gorgeous woman like you on my lap, there'd be other things popping that we'd have to deal with, immediately!

 

[CVJoiner]

.....

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Rejections.... sometimes I wonder how i’d be with someone else since my advances are always shot down (and have been for many years). Will this shit I’ve gone through (and still do) haunt me in the future? Or will I go stir crazy and think of new ways to initiate sex all the time and wear the poor guy out...? I fear the first and hope for the latter....

I guess my hubby got a bit tired of my advances because he started to reject me in ways that got more and more rude. It didn’t stop until I totally lost it one night about a year ago maybe a year and a half.... and told him a bunch of not so nice things. I still get rejected but now he is much nicer about it.

His favorite thing to say whenever I tried to kiss him used to be different variations of ”stop acting like a bitch in heat”.

I can come out of the shower, naked, straddle his lap and start kissing him and he’ll say ”can you get out of the way? I can’t see the tv....”

If I refuse to move he’ll just look at me and say ”this is going to hurt....” And it does! He can pinch really hard... I’m no masochist, I will definitely get out of the way.

My friend (that I mentioned in earlier posts) said to me ”how odd, doesn’t he get turned on because you are turned on? Mine sure does. Lust creates lust” And that made me start thinking... And no! He doesn’t... Whatever I feel (sexually) doesn’t mean anything to him. I do, however, react to his lust. The few times we do have sex I love that he is horny, that he wants me. It makes me want him. To bad it is such a one way street...

I've been reading this thread a bit. I am astounded at the sheer number of attractive (based on the pics they post) and intelligent (based on the words they post and the stories they write) people on Lit (not just those who have responded here already) who try to survive a sexless relationship.

One-way lust all the time? I'm sorry to hear that.

Here I am, sixty, overweight, body starting to betray me, and yet, my SO and I are ready to try anything to keep the fires lit (they are blazing, thank you). All I can say (to those I see around here with this problem) is you must be very dedicated to your SO, and your SO is an idiot who doesn't know what he has.

I'd almost say you should just pair off HLMs and HLFs, but if you wanted that I'm sure you'd already have done so.

I'm going to go get her some flowers and remind myself how lucky I am.

I wish you well.

 

[kingfupa]

Great thread FF, I think that quite a few of us that are here are experiencing the same thing. You are not alone...and mad respect to you for opening up about it, most of us just don't have the balls to talk to anyone, but maybe that is exactly what we need to do. PM me if you ever need/want to chat, I'm sure could find something to distract us from the day to day.

 

[bbwseeking63]

I've been reading this thread a bit. I am astounded at the sheer number of attractive (based on the pics they post) and intelligent (based on the words they post and the stories they write) people on Lit (not just those who have responded here already) who try to survive a sexless relationship.

One-way lust all the time? I'm sorry to hear that.

Here I am, sixty, overweight, body starting to betray me, and yet, my SO and I are ready to try anything to keep the fires lit (they are blazing, thank you). All I can say (to those I see around here with this problem) is you must be very dedicated to your SO, and your SO is an idiot who doesn't know what he has.

I'd almost say you should just pair off HLMs and HLFs, but if you wanted that I'm sure you'd already have done so.

I'm going to go get her some flowers and remind myself how lucky I am.

I wish you well.

Can I say she is a lucky woman!!

 

[LostGirlTink]

Rejections.... sometimes I wonder how i’d be with someone else since my advances are always shot down (and have been for many years). Will this shit I’ve gone through (and still do) haunt me in the future? Or will I go stir crazy and think of new ways to initiate sex all the time and wear the poor guy out...? I fear the first and hope for the latter....

I guess my hubby got a bit tired of my advances because he started to reject me in ways that got more and more rude. It didn’t stop until I totally lost it one night about a year ago maybe a year and a half.... and told him a bunch of not so nice things. I still get rejected but now he is much nicer about it.

His favorite thing to say whenever I tried to kiss him used to be different variations of ”stop acting like a bitch in heat”.

I can come out of the shower, naked, straddle his lap and start kissing him and he’ll say ”can you get out of the way? I can’t see the tv....”

If I refuse to move he’ll just look at me and say ”this is going to hurt....” And it does! He can pinch really hard... I’m no masochist, I will definitely get out of the way.

My friend (that I mentioned in earlier posts) said to me ”how odd, doesn’t he get turned on because you are turned on? Mine sure does. Lust creates lust” And that made me start thinking... And no! He doesn’t... Whatever I feel (sexually) doesn’t mean anything to him. I do, however, react to his lust. The few times we do have sex I love that he is horny, that he wants me. It makes me want him. To bad it is such a one way street...

May I bring up the question and ask why you tolerate insults and physical abuse from this man? No one deserves that.
While I have many stories of rejection, at the core of our marriage was no animosity. He would never have purposely hurt me either physically or emotionally.
He didn’t place a high value on our sex life, was too wrapped up in his own issues and we didn’t have any physical intimacy at all for years. The pain inflicted wasn’t intentional. Just careless
But there was never a meanness to it.
In hindsight that might be easier though... eventually I’d have grown to hate him instead of just constantly feeling as if I am inadequate or lacking.

Things to ponder

 

[Forest_Fun]

May I bring up the question and ask why you tolerate insults and physical abuse from this man? No one deserves that.
While I have many stories of rejection, at the core of our marriage was no animosity. He would never have purposely hurt me either physically or emotionally.
He didn’t place a high value on our sex life, was too wrapped up in his own issues and we didn’t have any physical intimacy at all for years. The pain inflicted wasn’t intentional. Just careless
But there was never a meanness to it.
In hindsight that might be easier though... eventually I’d have grown to hate him instead of just constantly feeling as if I am inadequate or lacking.

Things to ponder

Yes you may.... part of writing in this thread is to question wtf I’m doing.... I was a bit hesitant to write this before I’ve gotten to the ”why do I stay”-topic, and I was hesitant because I knew it would make him look bad and also - I would look bad, because, who puts up with that, right??? But then I thought ”I’m anonymous and I want to vent - will I really stop now? This shit happened.....”

Anyway, I put up with it for mainly two reasons.... One is that it became gradually worse. I guess I got a bit numb.... I got used to his way of responding. The other reason is that I don’t believe he means it. He says things to startle me and stop me from thinking about sex. It’s a defence against unwanted sexual attention. I guess he had to come up with something new when he couldn’t scare me off by burping and farting etc anymore. He needed heavier artillery!

Scared dogs bite. They don’t do it because they are mean, they do it to protect themselves. The bite will still hurt though.....

It all ended when he crossed a line (or maybe I had lowered the limit...?). We had a huge fight and now he has stopped being rude. I’m still rejected though and now he has found a new strategy.....

I’ll write more about the fight, the new strategy and why I stay further on.... There’s so much I want to get off my chest and friendly input is always welcome. Know this though, It’s when it is about sex his mind get’s completely fucked up... Stay away from sex and he is really nice and empathetic....