Justadesperatewifeandmom
digital demi-god
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2017
- Posts
- 27,597
well you can request, but you won't receive lol.
oh another story request I won't actually honor.
ok, here is the deal guys. I never got around to writing. First night I decided to, I joined lit, then joined the forums so I could get assistance, bounce ideas, etc. Then I turned on pms because it is what you do when you join a community. Then bam, just 100s of messages like instantly. most are what do you look like, what are you desperate for, send a pic, want to cam, dick pics, aggressive pervy offers. it was funny, I got to use bizarre images that had been stored on my phone waiting for a reason. I got to use meatloaf baby...i had been holding meatloaf baby forever. thus I built a profile, so people would have an understanding of what I really am, and not this dream of some gorgeous 20 year old. that helped a little. in between, one of the messages was from someone who didn't seem like a creeper, wasn't trying to take care of me and advise me to change my name (which was important to me if I was going to write, because I wanted people to understand immediately the perspective I was coming from, unfortunately while women got it instantly, many men didn't). anyway, he seemed like he just wanted to talk with me, and it was nice. then, it, of course, went the way of wanting to video chat, which I desperately avoided. once he isolated why, which was I didn't want to be seen, he said he just wanted to listen to me cum, not even talk. I was going to do it anyway, so I covered the camera, and let him. Eventually he asked to see me, I was lit and agreed, and the world didn't end. he encouraged me to be more active and I posted a picture and again, it was all positive. met another guy who seemed fun, then immediately wanted a cam chat, and I am all what the fuck, I am at walmart, and he explained not like that, he just wanted to verify a was what I said I was in my profile (primarily female lol) so after a little encouragement I agreed, and the first thing he said was "oh my god, you're beautiful". so not only wasn't it conversation ending, it went well. Eventually led to a dirty video chat, not just a face to face conversation. ya know, whole body ugh, both getting off kind of thing, and again, first words were "oh my god, you are really fucking beautiful"and again, it felt good. so then there are multiple people whispering I should share more, so I share a tiny bit more, and it doesn't go badly. primarily girls without bras and cleavage. A few more video chats, they all go fine. none were quite right for me, but went well enough to make me cum at least. I am still grateful to the first two, even though I don't enjoy talking with them anymore (they both have the same fatal flaw, differently, but still the same...they don't listen to what I ask for, it is really all about what they want)
Along the way, I still am very uncomfortable with live video though, get cussed out by a wife, get caught right after a video chat by hubby who knows immediately (I was looking cute). But I am still posting pictures here little by little, and loving the response. It is so wrong but feels so good. I feel like the belle of the ball....the fucking pervy intoxicating ball. I brave things like titty tuesday. Everyone is always so positive. It reminds me how things used to be, when I really was truly close to conventional beauty. I mean I'd say 7 or 8, others have said 9 or 10 but the 10s are were just playing out of their league, 9 I don't maybe, if I was really put together and having an awesome day with good lighting, maybe. Don't get me wrong, beauty when you are young and naive is a really dangerous place to be. But once you understand the rules, there is a massive privilege to it. Hell, there is a power to it. I could go on and on, but I would sound like a sociopath if you hadn't truly been able to walk in my shoes for the making of the sociopathic years and beyond. Honestly, the whole journey is probably never anything a man could understand. Point is, I found it intoxicating coming from being a nothing, just a girl, completely powerless. Then, well, time is a bitch, someone calls you ma'am, the cop writes the ticket, doors stop opening automatically, you go to a bar and drinks don't appear, you carry you own things. Suddenly you are old, have a kid, body goes to hell, husband struggles with what you were and what you are. At least you've used the time to earn your own placement in life, and you accept that you have completely lost the privilege and power that goes with being aesthetically appealing, but the world has changed, you are older, and, at least, no longer just a girl. It's a new cliche, a better one, but still just a wife, just a mom, not powerless, but invisible. Invisible, well...It could be worse.
So, back to here. I meet a man I really just enjoy talking with, a lot. he is smart, funny, listens to me, seems to really enjoy me (and ghosts me... twice lol). I also meet a man who just really turns me on. He seem to have predilections so similar to my own, he is good looking (honestly out of my league as far as looks go), does nothing creepy, doesn't even need to listen to me in order to indulge my desires, because mine simply seem in line with his. Honestly, I don't think I stated my desires at all, he just worked. Meanwhile, I am still posting pictures here.
mmm picture 24 (thanks fred for the reference), like my third thong thursday contribution. I went to adjust the thong for the picture, I was so wet, so turned on by the thought of the men who would be enjoying it and how inappropriate it was to share it to begin with. My finger that was just trying to adjust the thong strap so it was visible, the mere brush of my finger had me so close to cumming, that I had to go with it. I was hooked and I still hear the whispers to share more, you should make your own thread (including the man with a similar predilection, who thinks I will enjoy it, and he was right)
Now I have my own thread, chats, am getting off on every second of it, multiple times a day. Here is the ass kicker though, I discover many of the reasons I dislike video chat. First, hubby, yeah that is not good. Second, I have gotten really good at projecting an illusion, well in my head anyway. Hell, I share what the illusions are, so I guess it really isn't an illusion. You know the heavy makeup, the arms up, side tilt, high tilt, low lighting, autofix, floor camera, almost never doing a full body shot because there is no angle that works for my whole body, muscle tensing, repeated smile. I can't hide live what I can hide on still. Maybe I am still hiding what has always been my biggest physical flaw, but for the most part I am hiding my age, weight, and general physical condition, only in my own head, as everyone already knows, so kind of pointless, but I like the illusion.
And the biggest thing, which is what I can't hide on a live chat, and the second biggest reason why I will never write a story here. I never learned how to use language to be erotic. One thing about pretty privileged, you don't have to say a word. A smile and a well placed hand is all that is needed. Hell, I can't even manage a remotely coordinated and graceful clothing removal, but I could still get by just fine. I thought if I was immersed in the culture, I could learn. Yet still, like 2 years later, any attempts at verbal or written seduction are just modified and regurgitate combinations of phrases I think others likely thought were erotic. If I think, "try to be erotic" the only thing that happens is a coy look, a blank mind, and a lack of clothing. yeah, sexy wears off real fast if you actually truly see me. All that is left is a dorky awkward woman badly pretending to be sexy. But she is a fucking laugh riot, so it isn't all that bad, but not so much erotic.
So there you have the poorly thought out, badly edited, poorly written, garrulous story of my first posting of an erotic image on the internet, my first attempt video chat, my first time trying to be virtually sexy, and the pure drunken truth (that might later get deleted) of why I will never write a story. It is exhilarating to me, but I will never be able to capture that
oh, and I am way more turned on and really get off on feeling like the belle of the pervy ball and would rather spend my time doing that than failing at erotic writing. that is a biggy.
also, doesn't help that a lot of my exhilarating firsts were between 16 and 17, so I'd have to start my stories with a lie, then I may struggle because I will be forced to rely on creativity, thus will smack right into "think sexy" versus capturing the emotion of the time, which would also require backstory, and fuck, it is just too hard.
and fuck, someone clearly needs to tell me to put down my wine, turn of my tablet, and go play with toys or some shit, because I obviously should not be sharing. lol.
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