How To Get To Heaven When You Die

[CandiCame]

As we say in the Church of the SubGenius: "The difference between Hell and Heaven is which end of the pitchfork you're on."

Oh, right, we've not met.

I'm Candi, the guy who sticks electrified metal tubes up his dick for fun and profit.

Well, not profit anymore.

Edit: In case it wasn't clear, I was saying that I don't WANT to be a demon.
...maybe a concubus.

 

[Kirkrapine]

I'm Candi, the guy who sticks electrified metal tubes up his dick . . .

Is that even possible?!

 

[Tryharder62]

Come to think of it, no Christian in 2000 years has come up with a tempting Heaven. The one and only thing to recommend it is that it is not Hell.

My thinking is, if there is an afterlife, it is probably as different from this state of being as this from the womb -- so different that asking whether your late grandfather is happy or miserable is as meaningless as asking whether he is orange or twelve.

Well I'll be there does that help?

 

[CandiCame]

Is that even possible?!

In my dreams.

The ones they sell you just kind of vibrate and pretend it hurts.

Edit: You can get a tens machine (probably spelled that wrong. Shockey machine. They use them at chiropractors.) and use it on the outside, though. Heartily recommend that.

And for chronic back pain.

It's a 2 birds, 1 stone situation.

 

[Led_Astray]

Yes. He had to give them a land to live in so that they could survive. Those who worshiped false gods had to leave. Otherwise, every person who ever lived would go to hell without their Savior Jesus Christ.

But I ask again, why was Jesus even necessary?

What kind of creature demands a sacrifice of blood, torture and death before he will forgive people?

Not that it was actually any kind of sacrifice on Jesus' part, but hey.

 

[CandiCame]

But I ask again, why was Jesus even necessary?

What kind of creature demands a sacrifice of blood, torture and death before he will forgive people?

Not that it was actually any kind of sacrifice on Jesus' part, but hey.

You be nice to Jesus. He was actually pretty cool.

 

[Kirkrapine]

But I ask again, why was Jesus even necessary?

What kind of creature demands a sacrifice of blood, torture and death before he will forgive people?

Not that it was actually any kind of sacrifice on Jesus' part, but hey.

Well, it must have hurt a lot, that's something.

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

You be nice to Jesus. He was actually pretty cool.

He is more than cool. He is God.

 

[phrodeau]

Well, it must have hurt a lot, that's something.

Shroud of Turin, there's no pain in that face.

 

[Kirkrapine]

Shroud of Turin, there's no pain in that face.

Well, they didn't put it on him until after he was dead. (And yes, I know it's not the real thing, carbon tests date it to 1000 A.D. or so.)

 

[Kirkrapine]

He is more than cool. He is God.

God would be cool in the sense of being very creative.

OTOH, sick bastard made us so we have to piss and fuck with the same organ!

 

[Led_Astray]

He is more than cool. He is God.

So, if Jesus knew he was also God, then he also knew that after death he would be guaranteed a place in heaven.

So, in what way was his death a sacrifice?

If I moved out of a tiny roach filled apartment and into a palatial mansion, nobody would call that a sacrifice.

So he suffered pain on the cross? Big deal. Suck it up, butercup, because we all suffer. Some people suffered a heck of a lot more than Jesus ever did, without the 100% guarantee of heaven waiting for them.

What made it a sacrifice? What exactly was it for - could a loving God not forgive people without arranging a public torture and execution? Was Jesus' death necessary for humans to be forgiven?

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

He is more than cool, He is God! Wow! That's awesome!!

 

[CandiCame]

So, if Jesus knew he was also God, then he also knew that after death he would be guaranteed a place in heaven.

So, in what way was his death a sacrifice?

If I moved out of a tiny roach filled apartment and into a palatial mansion, nobody would call that a sacrifice.

So he suffered pain on the cross? Big deal. Suck it up, butercup, because we all suffer. Some people suffered a heck of a lot more than Jesus ever did, without the 100% guarantee of heaven waiting for them.

What made it a sacrifice? What exactly was it for - could a loving God not forgive people without arranging a public torture and execution? Was Jesus' death necessary for humans to be forgiven?

I mean... Jesus DIDN'T know for sure that he was going to Heaven or any of that. He wasn't a 100% believer- he just had demigod powers because of who his daddy was. For all he knew he could have just been a really powerful liar who impregnated a chick. He went up on that mountain when he knew he was going to die and completely lost his shit- cried blood, begged for futurevision.

I actually like Jesus. He probably wasn't real, but I get that. I get almost everything he did.

For him, it actually was a sacrifice. He was a dude- I mean he was a demigod, but he hadn't lived AS a god, he had lived as a human. He wouldn't live as a god until after he was dead- and like the rest of us, had no proof that the afterlife was a thing. He could speak to god, but had no way of knowing if he was telling the truth. He didn't know what was waiting for him any more than the rest of us did.

And, it's a bitchin song. Again, 70s Funk Jesus is the one true lord and savior.

 

[Tryharder62]

So, if Jesus knew he was also God, then he also knew that after death he would be guaranteed a place in heaven.

So, in what way was his death a sacrifice?

If I moved out of a tiny roach filled apartment and into a palatial mansion, nobody would call that a sacrifice.

So he suffered pain on the cross? Big deal. Suck it up, butercup, because we all suffer. Some people suffered a heck of a lot more than Jesus ever did, without the 100% guarantee of heaven waiting for them.

What made it a sacrifice? What exactly was it for - could a loving God not forgive people without arranging a public torture and execution? Was Jesus' death necessary for humans to be forgiven?

He did know he was God. However, he chose to leave heaven to come to earth to save us. Now, just the physical and emotional pain he went through is enough for me. Yet you have to remember he took the pain and suffering of all who sin. My sins are enough to deal with let alone yours and every other persons. Deep pain. No one has gone through the pain and suffering to that degree.

I have to admit that I am the mother of two sons. I would not give one of them to go through what Jesus did for you or anyone else. God took a part of himself, his son, to take the punishment for all. Who is more loving...me putting my son's first......or God who loves all mankind.

I have to admit if I were a God I wouldn't have done it that way.

I like this:
by Matt Slick

One of the best things I learned in Seminary was when a professor wrote on the board "There is a God. You are not Him." Boy, has that proven true! Over the years I've discovered how unwise, inexperienced, and ignorant I really am. Also, I've noticed that God doesn't consult me with making decisions about running the universe. And, if that isn't humiliating enough, He doesn't take any of my suggestions about how things ought to be in my own life. I don't understand why God doesn't take my suggestions. But, it comes down to one thing: There is a God. I am not Him!

"There is a God. You are not Him," is a delightful piece of truth. Think about it. Who created the universe? Was it the infinite and wise God, or was it me... or you? I have not heard whether if God consulted any of you about how universe should be run. If He has, please let me know. But as it stands now, He doesn't need our help. Trust him.

 

[Led_Astray]

He did know he was God. However, he chose to leave heaven to come to earth to save us. Now, just the physical and emotional pain he went through is enough for me. Yet you have to remember he took the pain and suffering of all who sin.

Except he didn't, because humans never stopped suffering. If his suffering had brought an end to mankind's suffering, then maybe that would have been worth it. But it didn't.

And God didn't "give" us his son. More of a short term loan, if anything. He always intended to take him back.

"There is a God. You are not Him," is a delightful piece of truth.

Not really, as it starts with a statement thatisn't demonstrably true.

 

[Tryharder62]

Except he didn't, because humans never stopped suffering. If his suffering had brought an end to mankind's suffering, then maybe that would have been worth it. But it didn't.

And God didn't "give" us his son. More of a short term loan, if anything. He always intended to take him back.

Aaah, but he did stop suffering just not this minute but for eternity. There is work yet to be done here on earth.

Patience, young grasshopper.

Not really, as it starts with a statement thatisn't demonstrably true.

You gotta have faith! He's alive!

https://youtu.be/NyPBVwOCYmM

 

[phrodeau]

Yeah, the Sacrificial Lamb of God reconstituted itself and trotted off the altar barbecue, with the Levites scrambling to get it back, and the Kohanim discussing the best explanation.

 

[Kirkrapine]

You gotta have faith! He's alive!

See here.

 

[Tryharder62]

See here.

In my case, I don't mean to be boastful. I just get excited. Imagine you're on a thread about pizza. Some people like thin crust ......some people like thick crust.....some people like gluten free crust .....some people hate pizza. Meanwhile you have just had a pizza that has forever changed the meaning of the word pizza. You want to share every detail. You want your friends to try it. It is Pizza Perfection.

I really do have a thing about pizza.

Think of something that has changed the very core of who you are. It has changed you for the better. I just kind of get carried away cuz I would love for you to try it. I respect that you are on your own path if you choose not to.

Man now I want pizza!

 

[Tryharder62]

Yeah, the Sacrificial Lamb of God reconstituted itself and trotted off the altar barbecue, with the Levites scrambling to get it back, and the Kohanim discussing the best explanation.

Have to admit I have never heard it quite like that. Reconstituted Jesus on the alter barbecue. . What would I do without you.?

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS. IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU COULD EVER DO AND IT ONLY TAKES A FEW MINUTES.

ARE YOU 100% SURE THAT IF YOU DIED TODAY THAT YOU WOULD GO TO HEAVEN?*

There are some things that you should know:

1. Realize that you are a sinner and in need of a Savior:

Ro 3:23 "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;"

Ro 3:10 "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:"

It all began with the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. God created them perfect, there was no death or sorrow. God told them not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They disobeyed God and as a result, sin entered into the world. The pain, which this world sees, is the result of sin.*

2. Because of our sins, we die both spiritually and physically, but God sent His Son to die so that you can have a chance not to have to go to hell by accepting what He did on the cross:

Ro 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Ro 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. for us."

Every person who has ever lived is a sinner and is not righteous because we do bad things. A sin is a crime against God, just as if you steal something at the store, it is punishable by going to jail. It's the same thing with sin. Lying, stealing, sex before marriage, pride, hatred, ect. are all sins. Hell is a prison for those who commit crimes against God. That’s because you must be perfect in order to get to heaven. No matter how well you live your life from then on, you have already sinned, which will be punished if you are not pardoned. If you commit a crime, and then live as a good citizen you still will go to jail for the crime you committed. Right? Just as the President can pardon a crime so you won't go to jail, Jesus can pardon your sins so that you do not go to hell, and can go to heaven when you die. You won’t have to pay for your own sins because Jesus already did that for you. But if you reject the pardon that He offers, you will have to pay for your own sins by going to hell.

3. If you will confess Jesus Christ is the Lord, place your Faith in Him and Believe in your heart that He died and rose again for your sins, you will be saved (from hell).

Eph 2:8,9 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Ro 10:9,10 "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.."

You cannot get to heaven by being a good person, going to church, baptism or any other way other than by turning to Jesus, believing in your heart that He died on the cross and rose from the dead for your sins and placing your Faith in Him. While these are good things to do, some people believe that they will get to heaven, but the bible says that there is only one way to heaven and that is through trusting in what Jesus Christ did on the cross for you in faith.

Will you do that today? If you will, you can be 100% sure that you will go to heaven when you die.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JESUS CHRIST DIED ON THE CROSS AND ROSE FROM THE DEAD FOR YOUR SINS? ARE YOU WILLING TO PLACE YOUR FAITH IN HIM FOR SALVATION?*

Heb 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

4. If you want to accept Jesus free gift of salvation, or if you have any doubts about whether or not you are going to heaven, you could place your faith in Jesus Christ for salvation by praying a simple prayer:

”Dear Lord Jesus I believe that You are the Lord and believe in my heart that You died on the Cross and Rose from the dead for my sins. I repent and turn to You, placing my Faith in You as Lord of my life, Please save me and I thank You for it, in Jesus holy name, Amen.”

If you have placed your faith in Jesus Christ and meant it with all of your heart, you are now a child of God and will go to heaven. Now that you are on your way to heaven, you should attend a bible believing church and follow in baptism.

Please take the time to read this first post if you haven't yet.

 

[Led_Astray]

Aaah, but he did stop suffering just not this minute but for eternity. There is work yet to be done here on earth.

Patience, young grasshopper. [/QUOTE]

Wait, why were people in heaven suffering? I thought that was kinda the opposite of the point.

You know, I can accept the idea of Jesus as teacher, as a man setting out a path others should follow (a shame that most of those calling themselves Christian don't, but that's another matter).

But this whole "sacrifice" malarky is nonsensical. "I'll forgive you for the things I say are sins, but only if you torture me to death first."

You gotta have faith! He's alive!

And so, we roll all the way back to that original question - faith in what? Nobody has ever given me a convincing reason to have faith in one particular god over another. If I've "gotta have faith" why should that faith be in Jesus rather than Woden, or Zeus, or Shiva or...?

 

[Tryharder62]

Aaah, but he did stop suffering just not this minute but for eternity. There is work yet to be done here on earth.

Patience, young grasshopper.

Wait, why were people in heaven suffering? I thought that was kinda the opposite of the point.

You know, I can accept the idea of Jesus as teacher, as a man setting out a path others should follow (a shame that most of those calling themselves Christian don't, but that's another matter).

But this whole "sacrifice" malarky is nonsensical. "I'll forgive you for the things I say are sins, but only if you torture me to death first."

People aren't suffering in heaven. We just have to live this life before we get there. There are still things to do.

And so, we roll all the way back to that original question - faith in what? Nobody has ever given me a convincing reason to have faith in one particular god over another. If I've "gotta have faith" why should that faith be in Jesus rather than Woden, or Zeus, or Shiva or...?

I told you no one can give that reason to you because it is your choice. It is up to you. That is why at this point you believe what you do. I would love to pull the mother card though, and tell you "because I said so.

 

[phrodeau]

(edited)

And so, we roll all the way back to that original question - faith in what? Nobody has ever given me a convincing reason to have faith in one particular god over another. If I've "gotta have faith" why should that faith be in Jesus rather than Woden, or Zeus, or Shiva or...?

It's the top brand in the local market. Jesus is the One True God, or rather one of the three One True Gods.

It's brand hyperbole, like Best Buy, Wonder Bread or Topps Bubble Gum.