How To Get To Heaven When You Die

[CandiCame]

Saul was not a good King, which is why God took the Kingdom from him. God gave the people what they wanted first, a fleshly, good looking, tall man...Saul. He didn't work as God knew He would not. Then God gave the people a man after God's own heart, David. David was the best King Israel ever had. He wasn't tall, he wasn't someone the world would look at as a great King, but he was a great King because he had Faith in God.

David was a genocidal warmonger who God eventually cursed. What the fuck are you talking about? Dave was the woooooorst. He got the entire concept of marriage redefined because he raped SO MUCH, lost the arc of the covenant, was widely hated because of his policies to, again, be a warmonger who thrived on expansionism even when god /specifically told him not to do that/- it goes on and on. David was a /deplorable/ king who literally caused the downfall of the kingdom he was given, who had /his entire family cursed by a god who turned on him/, who murdered his own father-in-law whom he KNEW suffered from a mental illness, who just went around slicing dicks left and right until he had two-HUNDRED Philistine foreskins because he thought that would impress his wife (it did so fuck, I guess that's what women want- piles of dick skins).

Like... literally what the fuck are you talking about? Have you READ this book? David is considered one of the worst kings in the entirety of HUMANITY, not just in the bible. Like if this is a history book, if this really happened, David fucked up so badly that he is considered among the worst HUMAN PEOPLE who ever lived.

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

David was a genocidal warmonger who God eventually cursed. What the fuck are you talking about? Dave was the woooooorst. He got the entire concept of marriage redefined because he raped SO MUCH, lost the arc of the covenant, was widely hated because of his policies to, again, be a warmonger who thrived on expansionism even when god /specifically told him not to do that/- it goes on and on. David was a /deplorable/ king who literally caused the downfall of the kingdom he was given, who had /his entire family cursed by a god who turned on him/, who murdered his own father-in-law whom he KNEW suffered from a mental illness, who just went around slicing dicks left and right until he had two-HUNDRED Philistine foreskins because he thought that would impress his wife (it did so fuck, I guess that's what women want- piles of dick skins).

Like... literally what the fuck are you talking about? Have you READ this book? David is considered one of the worst kings in the entirety of HUMANITY, not just in the bible. Like if this is a history book, if this really happened, David fucked up so badly that he is considered among the worst HUMAN PEOPLE who ever lived.

David was not a genocidal warmonger and God didn't curse him. David was a great man of God. Called called Him the apple of His eye. David's kingdom will continue into eternity because of his faithfulness to the Lord. Jesus Christ came through the line of David for that reason. David raped no one. Never lost the arc of the covenant either. His popularity with men wasn't that bad either, but even if it were, the goal is to please GOD not men. God never turned on David, but He did punish david for his sins. David went to war when he needed to go to war and it wasn't sinful. David murdered his Father in law? I would have to see the chapter and verse for that. David wasn't a murderer. He killed philistines because they were the enemy of Israel. You obviously haven't read what the Bible says about David.

 

[Kirkrapine]

No they don't! Almost positive that he helped CREATE a genocidal war-monger through the paranoia that caused him to turn to child abuse for his... underage... lyre player... that he kept in his bedroom...

Like Ganymede was Zeus' "cupbearer."

 

[Kirkrapine]

David was not a genocidal warmonger and God didn't curse him. David was a great man of God. Called called Him the apple of His eye. David's kingdom will continue into eternity because of his faithfulness to the Lord. Jesus Christ came through the line of David for that reason. David raped no one. Never lost the arc of the covenant either. His popularity with men wasn't that bad either, but even if it were, the goal is to please GOD not men. God never turned on David, but He did punish david for his sins. David went to war when he needed to go to war and it wasn't sinful. David murdered his Father in law? I would have to see the chapter and verse for that. David wasn't a murderer. He killed philistines because they were the enemy of Israel. You obviously haven't read what the Bible says about David.

The Israelites did engage in a lot of genocide in Canaan, as you can read in Joshua and Judges, but that was mostly over by David's time.

 

[Kirkrapine]

You must be talking about mohammad.

Boys were not his thing.

 

[CandiCame]

David was not a genocidal warmonger and God didn't curse him. David was a great man of God. Called called Him the apple of His eye. David's kingdom will continue into eternity because of his faithfulness to the Lord. Jesus Christ came through the line of David for that reason. David raped no one. Never lost the arc of the covenant either. His popularity with men wasn't that bad either, but even if it were, the goal is to please GOD not men. God never turned on David, but He did punish david for his sins. David went to war when he needed to go to war and it wasn't sinful. David murdered his Father in law? I would have to see the chapter and verse for that. David wasn't a murderer. He killed philistines because they were the enemy of Israel. You obviously haven't read what the Bible says about David.

Dude... you have never read this book.

David ruthlessly slaughtered his OWN PEOPLE- on top of all the other shit I said. That dude Achish (the Philistine king he was at war with) loved him for it, because he killed Israelite and Philistine alike.

Go back and reread this book. Get off Dave's dick for two seconds and just read it as a BOOK.

And remember, these Philistines that he's slaughtering are the people who HELPED HIM WHEN HE NEEDED IT.

Go back and read the whole book again. I don't have time to type the whole thing out but you are the ONLY person this gung-ho about David. He was so awful that he had the CONCEPT of a generational curse invented for him. Most Christians do NOT ride his dick like this- they use his story as a cautionary tale about hubris and how bad it fucks up little kids to force them to murder people at the age of 12 and to give them power WAY before they're ready. This is supposed to be a CAUTIONARY story- Dave's not somebody to look up to.

 

[Kirkrapine]

Dude... you have never read this book.

David ruthlessly slaughtered his OWN PEOPLE- on top of all the other shit I said. That dude Achish (the Philistine king he was at war with) loved him for it, because he killed Israelite and Philistine alike.

Go back and reread this book. Get off Dave's dick for two seconds and just read it as a BOOK.

And remember, these Philistines that he's slaughtering are the people who HELPED HIM WHEN HE NEEDED IT.

Go back and read the whole book again. I don't have time to type the whole thing out but you are the ONLY person this gung-ho about David. He was so awful that he had the CONCEPT of a generational curse invented for him. Most Christians do NOT ride his dick like this- they use his story as a cautionary tale about hubris and how bad it fucks up little kids to force them to murder people at the age of 12 and to give them power WAY before they're ready. This is supposed to be a CAUTIONARY story- Dave's not somebody to look up to.

Still and all, he was very definitely a folk hero.

But then, so were Jesse James and John Dillinger.

 

[CandiCame]

The Israelites did engage in a lot of genocide in Canaan, as you can read in Joshua and Judges, but that was mostly over by David's time.

David brags about like 4 different genocides just in Samuel 27.

27:8 And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.
27:9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.
27:10 And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.
27:11 And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.
27:12 And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

Achish: Hey, Dave, where you been? Haven't seen you in a while.
David: Oh, I wiped out like 4 civilizations. Don't tell anybody.
Achish: ...dude some of those were your own citizens... You should probably stay here a while. Or forever. Stay here forever.

 

[Kirkrapine]

David brags about like 4 different genocides just in Samuel 27.

27:8 And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.
27:9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.
27:10 And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.
27:11 And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.
27:12 And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

Achish: Hey, Dave, where you been? Haven't seen you in a while.
David: Oh, I wiped out like 4 civilizations. Don't tell anybody.
Achish: ...dude some of those were your own citizens... You should probably stay here a while. Or forever. Stay here forever.

Rough times. Explains a lot about the OT God.

 

[CandiCame]

Like Ganymede was Zeus' "cupbearer."

The baffled twink composing Hallelujah

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

The Israelites did engage in a lot of genocide in Canaan, as you can read in Joshua and Judges, but that was mostly over by David's time.

God was giving the land to the Jews and commanded them to go to war with them so that God could build a people that would birth Jesus Christ to be the Savior of the world. Had God not done what He did, then every person would go to hell.

 

[CandiCame]

God was giving the land to the Jews and commanded them to go to war with them so that God could build a people that would birth Jesus Christ to be the Savior of the world. Had God not done what He did, then every person would go to hell.

Eh, we can still go to hell. I'm already looking at apartments.

Really thinking about the second circle. I hear that's where all the hot people hang out.

Edit: I feel like I ended this thread on the perfect note before. How dare you, sir?

 

[phrodeau]

God was giving the land to the Jews and commanded them to go to war with them so that God could build a people that would birth Jesus Christ to be the Savior of the world. Had God not done what He did, then every person would go to hell.

Build a people? What happened to God’s creative skills? Clay and breath, and the occasional rib. God could have made Jesus any time. Did He lose the recipe?

Jesus would have been pretty convincing. “Behold, no belly button!”

 

[Kirkrapine]

God was giving the land to the Jews and commanded them to go to war with them . . .

But why did He have to command them to kill everybody down to the babies and the cattle?! Is God some kind of inverted Nazi?! Not even the Nazis killed the cattle!

 

[Led_Astray]

God was giving the land to the Jews and commanded them to go to war with them so that God could build a people that would birth Jesus Christ to be the Savior of the world. Had God not done what He did, then every person would go to hell.

Doesn't explain why it was necessary for them to slaughter children, but I notice most Christians like to gloss over the number of times their God has directly or indirectly slaughtered children and babies.

Soddom and Gamorra? Boom!
The flood? Glug glug glug.
The 10th plague? Oh, what a pretty angel - ITS MURDERING MY BABY!
Laughing at a bald christian? Have some murderous bears!
And the many times he commanded his followers to go to war, of course, sometimes with specific instructions to murder the male children and keep the female ones as sex-slaves.

This is a god described by Christians as being "Loving" and "Forgiving".

https://i.imgur.com/SxzJKGG.png

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

Doesn't explain why it was necessary for them to slaughter children, but I notice most Christians like to gloss over the number of times their God has directly or indirectly slaughtered children and babies.

Soddom and Gamorra? Boom!
The flood? Glug glug glug.
The 10th plague? Oh, what a pretty angel - ITS MURDERING MY BABY!
Laughing at a bald christian? Have some murderous bears!
And the many times he commanded his followers to go to war, of course, sometimes with specific instructions to murder the male children and keep the female ones as sex-slaves.

This is a god described by Christians as being "Loving" and "Forgiving".

https://i.imgur.com/SxzJKGG.png

The reason God commanded them to kill the children in this rare case is because God knew that they would grow up and seek revenge upon the Children of Israel and or push their false God's on Israel. In actuality, that's what happened. The Jews disobeyed God for the most part and they influenced the Jews to worship false Gods. The world was a much different place back then. Jesus brought a message of Love, but under the law, God dealt with man more harshly.

 

[CandiCame]

The reason God commanded them to kill the children in this rare case is because God knew that they would grow up and seek revenge upon the Children of Israel and or push their false God's on Israel. In actuality, that's what happened. The Jews disobeyed God for the most part and they influenced the Jews to worship false Gods. The world was a much different place back then. Jesus brought a message of Love, but under the law, God dealt with man more harshly.

Rare? Every other war was a genocide- under David, every war WAS a genocide. He wiped civilizations off the face of the map with little to no provocation. It was not a RARITY, it was his entire reign.

 

[phrodeau]

The reason God commanded them to kill the children in this rare case is because God knew that they would grow up and seek revenge upon the Children of Israel and or push their false God's on Israel. In actuality, that's what happened. The Jews disobeyed God for the most part and they influenced the Jews to worship false Gods. The world was a much different place back then. Jesus brought a message of Love, but under the law, God dealt with man more harshly.

Is that how God built a people worthy of producing a Messiah?

 

[Led_Astray]

The reason God commanded them to kill the children in this rare case is because God knew that they would grow up and seek revenge upon the Children of Israel and or push their false God's on Israel. In actuality, that's what happened. The Jews disobeyed God for the most part and they influenced the Jews to worship false Gods. The world was a much different place back then. Jesus brought a message of Love, but under the law, God dealt with man more harshly.

Congratulations for having an answer (albeit a misleading one) to *one* of my 5 examples of your god murdering babies/children.

Do you need more time to address the others or were you going to ignore them? Most christians do, after all.

***

And you bring Jesus back into the thread. The "man" sent to earth so he could "die for our sins".

Why did Jesus have to die, exactly? Are you saying that your loving and forgiving god couldn't forgive mankind unless they bought his forgiveness with blood, torture and death? Because that's kind of messed up.

(Trust me, you don't want to get me started on the crazy notion that Jesus was making a "sacrifice".)

 

[xfrodobagginsx]

Is that how God built a people worthy of producing a Messiah?

Yes. He had to give them a land to live in so that they could survive. Those who worshiped false gods had to leave. Otherwise, every person who ever lived would go to hell without their Savior Jesus Christ.

 

[Kirkrapine]

Yes. He had to give them a land to live in so that they could survive. Those who worshiped false gods had to leave. Otherwise, every person who ever lived would go to hell without their Savior Jesus Christ.

This is Our Savior, pinkboy!

 

[CandiCame]

This is Our Savior, pinkboy!

No! Everyone knows that 70s Funk Jesus is the one TRUE god!

 

[Kirkrapine]

Come to think of it, no Christian in 2000 years has come up with a tempting Heaven. The one and only thing to recommend it is that it is not Hell.

My thinking is, if there is an afterlife, it is probably as different from this state of being as this from the womb -- so different that asking whether your late grandfather is happy or miserable is as meaningless as asking whether he is orange or twelve.

 

[CandiCame]

Come to think of it, no Christian in 2000 years has come up with a tempting Heaven. The one and only thing to recommend it is that it is not Hell.

My thinking is, if there is an afterlife, it is probably as different from this state of being as this from the womb -- so different that asking whether your late grandfather is happy or miserable is as meaningless as asking whether he is orange or twelve.

Yeah, I don't... see the appeal. At all.

It's supposed to be "closeness to god" and honestly, I'd rather be in hell with the cool kids.

I mean it's all bullshit anyway, but if I'm wrong about the obvious "it being made up" thing than the worst possible fate I can imagine is being stuck in servitude to an abusive master for all eternity.

 

[Kirkrapine]

Yeah, I don't... see the appeal. At all.

It's supposed to be "closeness to god" and honestly, I'd rather be in hell with the cool kids.

I mean it's all bullshit anyway, but if I'm wrong about the obvious "it being made up" thing than the worst possible fate I can imagine is being stuck in servitude to an abusive master for all eternity.

As we say in the Church of the SubGenius: "The difference between Hell and Heaven is which end of the pitchfork you're on."

From Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon, Chapter 8: "Heaven and Hell":

Everything written regarding Hell in all bibles, from the Zoroastrian up through Dante to Chick Comics, is literally true (except the name of the author). The traditional Hell exists, complete with Lake of Fire, demons, and eternal torment; they aren't lying about that. What they don't tell you is that only religious people go there.

It's a rare SubGenius that ends up in this Normal Hell, the lowest rung of the Ladder of Beforelives. THE HELL CLAUSE states that Hell is reserved for those who believe in it, and the lowest Circle is for those who think that if they don't believe in it, they'll go there. Hell is JHVH-1's revenge on those who insult His intelligence by thinking He is as simple-minded, cruel and vengeful as THEY are. The Devil's job is to pester them, to milk out every last drop of human faith and credence. Satan manages Hell, and it's a very busy place these days, but his responsibilities regarding earthly life cover only religious nuts. JHVH-1 assigned him to create some kind of secondary Hell on earth, so Satan devised the idea of multiple religions, all believing in his existence but hating each other even more than they hate him. (In the end it doesn't really matter whether those Normals are "good" or "bad" in life; Satan and JHVH-1 divvy up the souls 50-50, at random.)

<snip>

Pink Heaven (frequently misidentified as Christian Heaven or Islamic Paradise) is nothing but a more sophisticated Hell, with air conditioning. In many ways, it is far worse. At least in Hell, you know where you stand. The sheep in Heaven can't even guess how utterly doomed they truly are.

"Heaven" is only the second rung up the Beforelife ladder, and, like Hell, is reserved for believers. It consists of an absence not only of pain, but also of pleasure.

Great deal, huh? You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Disobedient souls burn in Hell forever, but obedient souls "belong to God." As if making you an employee all your LIFE wasn't bad enough, you're enslaved in the AFTERLIFE as well! You get all the joy of a fundamentalist's lifestyle, with no hope of release -- not even death!

<snip>

In "Heaven" there dwell certain hungry, rapacious predator spirits, called Theocrats, which vampirize the PPQF of weaker spirits in order to "live" forever at the expense of their victims.

"The Theocrats enslave other spirits to provide psychic energy, just as slaves or employees on Earth provide physical labor . . . They obtain these victims by posing as gods and persuading the religious believers to come to them voluntarily after death thinking they are entering "eternal bliss in Heaven."

"Many notorious tyrants, conquerors, evil religious leaders, black magicians and criminals have become Theocrats after death, but so have some saints and benign geniuses. Power corrupts and the prospect of achieving immortality corrupts even more. Many people with highly developed souls, whose earthly lives were lived quite ethically, chose to become Theocrats after death . . . This has been especially true for people who were religiously devout, then found out the horrible truth about the gods after death.

"The daily activities of a Fundamentalist Theocratic band organized as Heaven are similar to a church service as such sects hold them on Earth, except that they go on perpetually. The Theocrat in charge poses as the Lord God Jehovah, and subordinate Theocrats pose as Christ, various Angels and Apostles, and so forth. "God" quotes the same Biblical passages and preaches the same sermons as preachers in the same sect do on Earth, and the congregation joins in singing the same hymns. . . . The Theocratic leaders then channel this collective psychic energy . . . For instance, there are dead Christians who think they are in Heaven, sitting around the throne of Jehovah "eternally singing his praises," when they're really just his slaves and possibly his dinner as well. Now you understand the real significance of "Holy Communion."

". . . As fanatical belief in organized religion declines in the modern era, the Theocrats have even devised ways to persuade atheists and agnostics to join Theocratic bands after death. The most common is simply to invite them to join what appears to be a community of spirits that includes some of their previously-deceased relatives or friends, or some famous person they greatly admire . . . There are also "Heavens" whose "gods" claim to be politicians, movie stars, writers, scientists, rock stars, or even fictional characters."

-- excerpted from Kyle Griffith's War in Heaven.

The most insidiously cruel aspect of Pink Heaven/Normal Hell is that it's all self-inflicted punishment. Nothing happens to those souls that they didn't ask for, that wasn't self-devised down to the smallest detail. And nastiest of all, just as their store of anguish is about to be used up, they are TOLD they could escape if only they would stop believing -- BUT THAT ONLY MAKES IT WORSE. For, there they are, right in the thick of it, with flames searing their skin, or etheric vampires slowly devouring their very essence . . . so it's just a bit difficult NOT to believe in it.

But there is hope! Now you can save your soul from Heaven! Just send it with $30 for shipping & handling costs to:

The Church of the SubGenius
c/o Reverend Ivan Stang
P.O. Box 181417
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118-1417

Eternal salvation guaranteed -- OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK!