Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[KimGordon67]

On the ex - that is a great place to be and how separations should be done in my book. Yes, they can be emotionally and psychologically difficult, but I have always found it works better if a relationship ends and you work through the difficult part of the ending and remember that at one time you truly loved each other, and though time and behavior and need and desire may have changed, that core still exists. You are still variations on the same people who entered the relationship. Try and love with an open hand.

I actually think hating each other would be more emotionally and psychologically difficult. We've loved each other so much for so long, swinging to the polar opposite of that (or even anywhere close to that) would be a huge wrench.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim,

I think that in many ways it boils down to priorities. We prioritize the things our lives that mean the most to us, whether or not we're consciously aware that we're doing it. As you've experienced, sometimes priorities (or changing priorities) lead to choices, trade offs, and changes in our lives. Our priorities may lead us to let go of other things that we may want, but that seem incompatible.

From this side of the virtual fence post it seems like "I desperately want the freedom to find out" can be roughly parsed as "The freedom to find out is a higher priority to me than a stable relationship with this man." and, by extension "is a higher priority than my marriage". This seems to be consistent with my admittedly limited understanding of what led to the end of your marriage. I don't mean to trivialize the other issues that may have led to the end of your marriage. Relationships are complicated things, and our previous discussion was focused on this particular issue, so I assume it was a principle component.

If your Beau prioritizes a relationship in which you are exclusive (putting aside for the moment the irony of your relationship with him while you were married), then I am inclined to agree that "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't seem like a great strategy. If my wife told me that relationships with other men were a priority over our relationship together, I'd have a problem with that - but I would try to be enlightened and understanding because I also want her to grow as a person, even though it would lead to emotional stress for me (and probably the end of our marriage). If he knows that this is a deal breaker for you then he might unnecessarily draw out the end of the relationship in which he's unhappy out of a sense of "fear of losing you", or "appearing to be unreasonable", assuming that he's prone to either. It seems important to at least have the same priorities, even if we have different wants and needs.

It will be enlightening to see how your priorities evolve as you move out of your marriage home and your husband is no longer a regular part of your life, and how those changes effect your choices.

I understand your point, but I think I have a slightly different perspective, at least in respect of my marriage. The following isn't meant to sound either defensive or confrontational, so apologies if it comes across that way - I'm just being quite forthright for the sake of expediency.

I don't think I de-prioritised my marriage at all. We both agreed that we had both changed since we met, and that our relationship, while it had been awesome, had reached a natural end, probably a couple of years before we officially finished it. My ex still means a great deal to me - I want him to be happy (and in fact the reason the separation took so long was because I wanted to ensure he was financially stable before we stopped living together), and we expect to continue to be important to each other. I don't think the things I want are things I've always wanted, so I wasn't de-pioritising them in the interests of my marriage before either. I'm not one to put up with a situation in which I'm unhappy (and neither is my ex-husband - we're very similar in that respect). Neither of us de-prioritised our marriage. It just stopped making us happy. We tried to fix that, and it didn't work, so we decided to change things before we were utterly miserable. Could we have stayed together and been 'content'? Possibly ... but why? Why settle for 'content'? Maybe that is prioritising happiness over 'contentment', but I'm OK with that, my husband did the same thing, and we're all OK with that.

"If my wife told me that relationships with other men were a priority over our relationship together, I'd have a problem with that ..." ... and so would my BF. I've been very clear that our relationship is my primary relationship, and he's specially stated that that's very important to him. He doesn't want to feel that he's coming second to anyone else, and if that ends up happening (and realistically, it might), I need to tell him so he can decided what to do - which would probably be to leave. It's taken us a long time, but I think we're in a place that we can rest easily for a while - ultimately, the proof will be in the pudding. As with me, he can't really know how he'll feel until something actually happens. However, he's decided - and I've decided too - that we'll just enjoy being with each other now - that's our priority - and if we stop enjoying that - and really, that could happen for ANY reason - we'll stop being together. Maybe that's not a 'stable' relationship, but even without the polyamory, I don't think either of us are 'stable relationship' kind of people at present. And I don't think stability is the gold standard for relationships - for SOME relationships it might be, but this one is driven by something else than a need for stability.

Obviously that's just what I think, but it's true for me.

 

[pplwatching]

It's always a pleasure reading what you are thinking and have to say. I hope that from the beginning I've been able to convey that. You are very thoughtful and articulate, and don't have to worry about brevity being a cause for being misunderstood. I'll ask if I don't understand .

I wasn't trying to imply that stability is the gold standard for a relationship - especially one that's stable but generally not a good match or a happy one. Going along to get along only creates a false sense of stability, because in that kind of relationship the foundation of the relationship itself is deeply flawed and by definition unstable. I was referring to the (paraphrasing) idea of wanting something so badly that we will risk destabilizing an otherwise healthy relationship in order to pursue it. In that sense, that something is elevated to a higher priority.

It sounds like you're doing a good job of communicating expectations between everyone involved, which is more than many couples can say. However, with respect to your BF we may tell our other half to be ready and expect "it" (whatever "it" is), but people and emotions are unpredictable things, especially when one tends to internalize and wall themselves off from the other, and we have to consider that in our assessment of priorities and risk.

I don't think that a relationship needs to be one's top priority, provided those with skin in the game are on the same page. Problems tend to arise when the people involved have different expectations, or what we want out of life changes. That's part of growing as people. There's no way any of us can describe the complexity of our marriages or relationships in these little text boxes, or the work we put into having two unique people make a go of a love relationship, but I appreciate you taking the time to summarize. As you eloquently point out, two people have to come together in many aspects of life to have a relationship in which both people are happy and most importantly want to stay. I would never advocate staying married just for the sake of not divorcing. Prioritizing a marriage, to me, is a combination of making compromises and working to smooth out the rough edges where we don't fit together well. Even when we do, sometimes we grow apart and sometimes we just grow to want different things but still love each other.

Always a pleasure "chatting". Respectfully,

 

[pplwatching]

"If my wife told me that relationships with other men were a priority over our relationship together, I'd have a problem with that ..." ... and so would my BF. I've been very clear that our relationship is my primary relationship, and he's specially stated that that's very important to him. He doesn't want to feel that he's coming second to anyone else, and if that ends up happening (and realistically, it might), I need to tell him so he can decided what to do - which would probably be to leave.

I wanted to touch on this, but didn't . My point was that I expect my wife to be on the same page with me with respect to how we approach risks such as that. I don't want to risk our relationship, and I expect that she doesn't either. My personal view of relationships, which I know isn't for everyone, is that there is no primary and secondary relationships - only "our relationship". In our case, we've both expressed this so it's a reasonable expectation and we share that viewpoint.

This is different (obviously) than your situation, so I am out of my depth but I have always enjoyed chatting with you so here I am. I would simply caution you that if something is a priority to you then don't go down paths that put the things that you value at risk. I understand that this is a newish relationship, and that it may not even be a candidate for a permanent one for you. If the two of you aren't on the same page with respect to your expectations, tread carefully even if he's trying to be understanding and open minded. Egos and emotions aren't easily assuaged by talk of "primary relationships" if they're used to "one relationship".

Take care

 

[KimGordon67]

I wanted to touch on this, but didn't . My point was that I expect my wife to be on the same page with me with respect to how we approach risks such as that. I don't want to risk our relationship, and I expect that she doesn't either. My personal view of relationships, which I know isn't for everyone, is that there is no primary and secondary relationships - only "our relationship". In our case, we've both expressed this so it's a reasonable expectation and we share that viewpoint.

This is different (obviously) than your situation, so I am out of my depth but I have always enjoyed chatting with you so here I am. I would simply caution you that if something is a priority to you then don't go down paths that put the things that you value at risk. I understand that this is a newish relationship, and that it may not even be a candidate for a permanent one for you. If the two of you aren't on the same page with respect to your expectations, tread carefully even if he's trying to be understanding and open minded. Egos and emotions aren't easily assuaged by talk of "primary relationships" if they're used to "one relationship".

Take care

He's not really used to any particular sort of relationship. He's only really considering how he feels now, about me. I absolutely don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to be someone I'm not for the purposes of not hurting him. And he gets that, now that I've finally been able to be honest about that. I don't want either of compromising our values or needs for the sake of not losing each other - I don't want him settling for a non-monogamous relationship if he 'needs' monogamy just so he can keep me, as much as I don't want to settle for a monogamous relationship just so I can keep him. If the things we want from this relationship aren't compatible, that's just what it is. I'm fine with being single - mad cat lady status is pretty aspirational for me.

I guess I find the notion of deciding whether or not you prioritise a relationship a little problematic, because if you say 'actually, I've decided that my current state of mind is more important than this relationship' that you're not valuing the relationship, and that you're not prepared to put the work in. I DO put work in to relationships. I put a heap of work into my marriage, including ensuring that it ended in the best possible way - and that was a fair financial cost to me, although it was totally worth it. I've put a lot of work into the relationship I'm in now - we both have - because we're really trying to get to a place where we're both easy with how things are. And I totally value the relationship. But I'm also happy to be on my own, if that's what happens, so I guess I'm not prepared to do 'whatever is necessary' to make the relationship 'work', because ultimately neither of us would be happy ... and the relationship wouldn't work. I don't expect it will be permanent - I'm not sure we can maintain the intensity of it for a long time, and I don't know that either of us wants something that doesn't have that intensity just for the sake of longevity. And that's OK.

Things that are worth something usually involve risk. Being in love is a monumental risk for me. Being in love and being the person I am at the moment is an enormous risk. But I think it's worth it.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Compromise in a relationship is an intricate dance. There are lines where, if we cross them, we have compromised too much and we run the risk of losing ourselves in the relationship. That is a recipe for bitterness and resentment at some future date.

I think that one of approaches I learned somewhere along the line is this - it helps if you think of the relationship between two people as actually being a three part relationship.

The first part is your relationship with yourself. Are you happy? Are you pursuing the things that matter to you? Are you enjoying the activities that matter to you? Are you growing, learning, and becoming your better self.

Part two is your partner in the relationship - are they doing all of the above as well?

The third part is the "Us", the part of the relationship where the two of you intersect. All of the above apply there as well. If all three parts of the relationship are happy and satisfied, then the relationship is health and thriving.

If you think of it as having those three parts, where relationships get into difficult times is when one of the three parts is not working. Communication is the key to keeping the three parts coordinated, but at the same time, it becomes fairly easy to view it as a steady-state, where to add energy to one part you have to take energy from one of the other two parts.

This is essentially a mistake. A functioning relationship, with yourself, with your partner, and your partner with themselves, is a dynamic entity, not a static one. There are many opportunities to add energy to the equation. The trick, if it is a trick, is adding the right energy to the right part.

If I am not satisfied with the relationship, but my partner is, that first step of figuring out where the energy is missing, is the key to restoring the balance of it all. If the energy is missing from me, then I have to figure out how to add it back into my life (hopefully, but not necessarily, with my partners advice and consent). If the energy is missing from my partner, then I should work with them, through advice and consent, and help them restore the missing energy in their life. If the energy is missing from "us", then we should identify what is missing and see if we can restore it together.

Ultimately my last long term relationship came to an end because my partner was missing something in her life that I could not compensate for, you are limited in the amount of energy you can give your partner, as there are certain aspects of ourselves that only we can resolve. That is the hard work of "knowing yourself". There are simply times when, as humans, we have to do the work and go on that part of the journey alone.

I'm of the opinion that, at times, ending a relationship is necessary for the growth of one or both of the partners. When you reach that point in the journey of "Us" then you should let "Us" go, and with all your support and blessing, let your partner continue their own journey.

 

[txgent101]

As to the many good thoughts offered in these posts, I once read this:

"If your relationship takes an extraordinary amount of work, it isn't much of a relationship". Or words to that effect.

Of course there are hundreds and hundreds of aphorisms about relationships....

Kim's story is more useful than all those aphorisms. Thanks Kim!

 

[KimGordon67]

As to the many good thoughts offered in these posts, I once read this:

"If your relationship takes an extraordinary amount of work, it isn't much of a relationship". Or words to that effect.

Of course there are hundreds and hundreds of aphorisms about relationships....

Kim's story is more useful than all those aphorisms. Thanks Kim!

Oh god - I don't think that's the case at all.

But I do agree that relationships shouldn't always feel like 'work'. Putting work is obviously necessary, but you should get something back for that. Which again sounds selfish, but it's the reality of the situation.

And yes, Paul's right - if you're not happy in yourself, you're not a great person to have a relationship with. Funnily enough, that's part of the issue with the situation I find myself in. Ideally when my marriage ended I would have spent some time alone getting my shit together and working out what I actually want, without that process negatively impacting on another person. But that's not what happened - I've ended up going through that process while in a relationship with another person, which is less than ideal. We've talked around that issue, and at the moment we're OK with the situation - I think he understands that I need to go through that process, but he doesn't want to just bugger off while that's happening. So we just have to work through that and see how it goes.

 

[pplwatching]

All very valid and insightful points.

 

[MilkyMomForall4u]

Monogamy

So I am 53 I married my best friend who was 20 years older after the man I loved and was my soulmate was killed.
Everyone was convinced it was what was best for me. I was married 14 years to someone who had no testosterone, who did not mentally, emotionally, physically want me.
I spent 14 years I lived upstairs he lived downstairs. I was 26 when we married he was 45. I believed I was so ugly, disgusting that noone would want me.
and I had 2 children, who adored him he adopted them.
I never cheated on him, as high of sex drive as I had, it was just something I could and would not do.
I also though I was warped because I was bisexual and it was taboo, when I divorced I was with women, I tried several relationships with men because I wanted to get it out of me. I believe if a man or woman is truly honest about what their wants, needs and desires are first with themselves secondly with their partner they are more likely to find satisfaction. Been divorced 8 years starting to be happy with who I am.
I have learned since then that when you find out who you are, what you want, need desire, and can find a way to satisfy the needs the relatiobnship lasts longer, and is healthier, its when you both hide things or dont find a way through them
that you end up with issues. I think if you cant find a way through it its better for both if you end it or open the relationship etc.
you both need truth and it does set you free.
Eventually I hope that I find someone who I can be happy with and enjoy things we both desire.

 

[KimGordon67]

So I am 53 I married my best friend who was 20 years older after the man I loved and was my soulmate was killed.
Everyone was convinced it was what was best for me. I was married 14 years to someone who had no testosterone, who did not mentally, emotionally, physically want me.
I spent 14 years I lived upstairs he lived downstairs. I was 26 when we married he was 45. I believed I was so ugly, disgusting that noone would want me.
and I had 2 children, who adored him he adopted them.
I never cheated on him, as high of sex drive as I had, it was just something I could and would not do.
I also though I was warped because I was bisexual and it was taboo, when I divorced I was with women, I tried several relationships with men because I wanted to get it out of me. I believe if a man or woman is truly honest about what their wants, needs and desires are first with themselves secondly with their partner they are more likely to find satisfaction. Been divorced 8 years starting to be happy with who I am.
I have learned since then that when you find out who you are, what you want, need desire, and can find a way to satisfy the needs the relatiobnship lasts longer, and is healthier, its when you both hide things or dont find a way through them
that you end up with issues. I think if you cant find a way through it its better for both if you end it or open the relationship etc.
you both need truth and it does set you free.
Eventually I hope that I find someone who I can be happy with and enjoy things we both desire.

That's a hard start to adult life - I think we often underestimate the long-term effects of that sort of thing. It's heartening to hear you're feeling that you're in a better place now though ... it can take a while, eh?

 

[KimGordon67]

Milky Mom's post made me think of a conversation I've been having with the BF a bit over the last wee while. We both had pretty difficult childhoods, which I think is one of the reasons we 'get' each other, but also what makes things so difficult between us ... we both suffer from issues with trust, especially when it involves people we love and who are meant to love us. Just recently, we've both started really talking about ... not long involved therapy sessions, but more little snippets of explanation for why we might feel a particular way about something. And recognising how those things have actually damaged us a bit. It's interesting ... I'm not sure where it'll go, or if we'll keep doing it, but I think it's a bit of relevation for both us finding someone who really understands that. My husband has always been astoundingly supportive of all the shit that exists around my dysfunctional family, and his wasn't great either, but he knows that economic security made a big difference.

Interestingly, with the BF (and without getting too psychoanalytical on it), I do think all that history contribute to why we have sex the way we do. There's a lot of stuff about trust and needing to feel some control over things ... or, alternatively, needing to feel like it's OK to give up control. We're definitely giving each other something that we 'need' in an emotional sense, as well as just enjoying the awesome sex.

 

[jp55665566]

Milky Mom's post made me think of a conversation I've been having with the BF a bit over the last wee while. We both had pretty difficult childhoods, which I think is one of the reasons we 'get' each other, but also what makes things so difficult between us ... we both suffer from issues with trust, especially when it involves people we love and who are meant to love us. Just recently, we've both started really talking about ... not long involved therapy sessions, but more little snippets of explanation for why we might feel a particular way about something. And recognising how those things have actually damaged us a bit. It's interesting ... I'm not sure where it'll go, or if we'll keep doing it, but I think it's a bit of relevation for both us finding someone who really understands that. My husband has always been astoundingly supportive of all the shit that exists around my dysfunctional family, and his wasn't great either, but he knows that economic security made a big difference.

Interestingly, with the BF (and without getting too psychoanalytical on it), I do think all that history contribute to why we have sex the way we do. There's a lot of stuff about trust and needing to feel some control over things ... or, alternatively, needing to feel like it's OK to give up control. We're definitely giving each other something that we 'need' in an emotional sense, as well as just enjoying the awesome sex.

I say... if a person is having awesome orgasms; they are doing something right

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/da/Eddie_spurt.gif

 

[KimGordon67]

Post-visit ... we spent a lot of time working on the blow jobs at both ends of the spectrum ... the really slow, deliberate, finely tuned version that he just lies back and enjoys ... he refers to those as me adoring him, and that's about right. I love spending time watching him while I'm doing something very specific, working out which things really hit home, enjoying how I can make him feel. The more time we spend together, the more I enjoy just devoting all my attention to him.

And then the much rougher version. He's discovered an unexpected thrill in making me gag, which I think is both physical and also psychological, about power & control. In the Oral Servitude thread recently some of us had a bit of a chat about the gag reflex. I've always thought it was something one should try to get around - and actually, mine has seldom been triggered in the past. I think it's a variable thing, and for me, I can manage quite a bit of depth before I get to 'gag', so I didn't even really think it was a thing for me. But recently we've pushed just that little bit further, a little bit harder, so I do end up gagging ... and he loves it. In the OS discussion, someone (sorry, I can't remember who) referred to it as especially submissive because you're pushing someone to their limit.

We tried that with the collar on, which was interesting - kind of overwhelming for me, but in a good way. That I need to think about a little bit more.

We've been building on this a bit, I think ... the last time I was there I had a sudden urge for him to really fuck my mouth. Which I haven't really had before ... surprisingly, he seemed OK with the idea. (I'm being a little ironic there.) He often does that, waits until I suggest that he takes control of something. We've talked about that ... he likes to be sure that I really want it, so then he knows it's ... I keep coming back to the word 'safe', which isn't quite right, but it'll do for now.

 

[ssremember129]

We've been building on this a bit, I think ... the last time I was there I had a sudden urge for him to really fuck my mouth. Which I haven't really had before ... surprisingly, he seemed OK with the idea. (I'm being a little ironic there.) He often does that, waits until I suggest that he takes control of something. We've talked about that ... he likes to be sure that I really want it, so then he knows it's ... I keep coming back to the word 'safe', which isn't quite right, but it'll do for now.

From my experiences, having control in life and bed is over rated. Now that statement is based on the assumption that when you let go the other person is not judging but also enjoying and bonding with the intimate details or things you are letting go of...so, if you get each other and you are pushing boundaries (assuming I get what you are saying) is the ultimate in relationships. You can talk about whatever is on your mind, talk about what excites you even though the other has never said "let's try this...", or even just be silly while you are breaking through a few walls.

After all, sex is truly (for me) started in the mind and the imagination (at least once I got past 50) and I cherish a woman who is more than just "it's Saturday, so its sex night". Good luck! Sensational thoughts, and have great times. It's that what life is about?

 

[KimGordon67]

From my experiences, having control in life and bed is over rated. Now that statement is based on the assumption that when you let go the other person is not judging but also enjoying and bonding with the intimate details or things you are letting go of...so, if you get each other and you are pushing boundaries (assuming I get what you are saying) is the ultimate in relationships. You can talk about whatever is on your mind, talk about what excites you even though the other has never said "let's try this...", or even just be silly while you are breaking through a few walls.

After all, sex is truly (for me) started in the mind and the imagination (at least once I got past 50) and I cherish a woman who is more than just "it's Saturday, so its sex night". Good luck! Sensational thoughts, and have great times. It's that what life is about?

Being silly is so important. And pushing boundaries too ... that's one of the things that makes me happy.

 

[KimGordon67]

Three days ... minus four hours or so.

Today I went and looked at a house I'll hopefully end up buying. It's down the end of a dead end street, with a lovely green outlook - just trees and bush, really. Only one neighbour to speak of, who's on the other side of the house from where the master bedroom is. The first thing I thought was 'well, no one will hear me here' ... and actually, no one could see in either, even with most of the curtains open.

 

[ssremember129]

Three days ... minus four hours or so.

Today I went and looked at a house I'll hopefully end up buying. It's down the end of a dead end street, with a lovely green outlook - just trees and bush, really. Only one neighbour to speak of, who's on the other side of the house from where the master bedroom is. The first thing I thought was 'well, no one will hear me here' ... and actually, no one could see in either, even with most of the curtains open.

Good luck with the house! If it backed up to the beach, so much the better!

Having neighbors a significant distance, it is always nice to go outside, scream loudly in the bedroom or whatever is exciting in and around your own house.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Three days ... minus four hours or so.

Today I went and looked at a house I'll hopefully end up buying. It's down the end of a dead end street, with a lovely green outlook - just trees and bush, really. Only one neighbour to speak of, who's on the other side of the house from where the master bedroom is. The first thing I thought was 'well, no one will hear me here' ... and actually, no one could see in either, even with most of the curtains open.

Good luck! I agree, I think one of the things that is great in a house is the privacy to be as loud (within reason LOL) as you want to be. I say that, living in a townhouse, where on summer nights, especially with windows open, one gets to eavesdrop on all kinds of stuff.

 

[KimGordon67]

Good luck with the house! If it backed up to the beach, so much the better!

Having neighbors a significant distance, it is always nice to go outside, scream loudly in the bedroom or whatever is exciting in and around your own house.

Sadly, although I'm buying in a beach town, being actually NEAR the beach is beyond my means. So 'somewhat secluded' is the best I can hope for (and that's not easy in this town, where houses tend to get built on top of each other to maximise space and 'sea views').

The BF's place is great - he's in the middle of the country, so the only thing I could really upset would be some cows. (Although last time I was there, we realised somewhat late in the morning that there were people working in the paddock next door ... that his bedroom window faces. Luckily I don't know them and he doesn't care what people think.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Good luck! I agree, I think one of the things that is great in a house is the privacy to be as loud (within reason LOL) as you want to be. I say that, living in a townhouse, where on summer nights, especially with windows open, one gets to eavesdrop on all kinds of stuff.

I think when you live in cities, there's a certain amount of agreed-upon ignoring of stuff. And just not caring. The last house we lived in had large windows facing the road, and in summer we'd often not close the curtain ... and I have a habit of ducking out of bed to the kitchen to get stuff while half naked. I figure if people are looking straight into your window, that's just bad luck for them.

 

[ssremember129]

I thought think that is good luck?

 

[KimGordon67]

An interesting thing that happened a while back ... the dynamic has always been very much him in control and me in the 'sub' position ... but a couple of visits ago, I was going down on him ... in the me serving him mode, rather than him taking control of the situation. And I slid my hands around his wrists and held them down - I do that every now and then during blow jobs, sometimes without even thinking about. They're my 'I'm taking control now' blow jobs (one day we should write a list in the Oral Servitude thread about all the different sorts of blow jobs there are), and I looked up for a moment, and he asked me to cuff him to the bed. I was a bit taken aback, because he's expressly said before that he NEVER wants to be tied down, but you know ... he's in charge, so who am I to say no?
So that was interesting. I went back to the blow job, which got a bit more aggressive, and then moved up and slid down onto his cock. And really fucked him. Properly. Hard. I was really surprised at how aggressive I felt. Apparently I looked really angry ... maybe not quite angry, but something.
I realised afterwards how much you need to make sure you're in control of those feeling when you're on the dominant side ... that you can't just let yourself go, because bad things could happen. And really, that's what I love about being on the sub side - you CAN just let everything go, especially if you really trust the other person and know they have your wellbeing at heart. But you need that edge to ... somehow knowing that he's just this side of THAT feeling that I had when I was in control for a nanosecond makes it more intense.

 

[ssremember129]

An interesting thing that happened a while back ... the dynamic has always been very much him in control and me in the 'sub' position ... but a couple of visits ago, I was going down on him ... in the me serving him mode, rather than him taking control of the situation. And I slid my hands around his wrists and held them down - I do that every now and then during blow jobs, sometimes without even thinking about. They're my 'I'm taking control now' blow jobs (one day we should write a list in the Oral Servitude thread about all the different sorts of blow jobs there are), and I looked up for a moment, and he asked me to cuff him to the bed. I was a bit taken aback, because he's expressly said before that he NEVER wants to be tied down, but you know ... he's in charge, so who am I to say no?
So that was interesting. I went back to the blow job, which got a bit more aggressive, and then moved up and slid down onto his cock. And really fucked him. Properly. Hard. I was really surprised at how aggressive I felt. Apparently I looked really angry ... maybe not quite angry, but something.
I realised afterwards how much you need to make sure you're in control of those feeling when you're on the dominant side ... that you can't just let yourself go, because bad things could happen. And really, that's what I love about being on the sub side - you CAN just let everything go, especially if you really trust the other person and know they have your wellbeing at heart. But you need that edge to ... somehow knowing that he's just this side of THAT feeling that I had when I was in control for a nanosecond makes it more intense.

Well said and an interesting revelation. I think you are right, most guys are looking for control but when you let your guard down after trust has been established, the intensity of the experience is overwhelming. It takes practice and trust with that other person or it can go to the other side of pleasure very quickly.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hmmm ... he asked to be cuffed to the bed again. I think we're both finding bits of ourselves that don't often see the light of day. Interesting ...