Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[Paul_Chance]

Capes are dangerously overrated.

I think of Mary Poppins when I think of being equipped with everything I may ever need.
That's sexy, right?

Perfect! MP is definitely the archetypal WCSG. Right down to the multi-functional umbrella.

Through page 16...
Fascinating!
I'll be caught up tonight.

That was one impressive umbrella.

I'm torn on the whole capes thing. There are times when you just need to flourish a cape as you make a dramatic statement. On the other hand, the risk of getting sucked into the spokes of a passing bicyclist is pretty high.

 

[KimGordon67]

That was one impressive umbrella.

I'm torn on the whole capes thing. There are times when you just need to flourish a cape as you make a dramatic statement. On the other hand, the risk of getting sucked into the spokes of a passing bicyclist is pretty high.

Far TOO high for WCSG.

 

[KimGordon67]

One thing that really surprised me ... while we were in the talking about everything phase, we both agreed that any form of asphyxiation was a limit for both us - he'd done that in the past with other women, but it was on the list of things he only did for them, not because he really got anything out of it, and I just couldn't imagine what the point of it was ... but then, one night, we were lying in a bed in a motel, and he had his hand on my throat for some reason, and on a complete impulse I slide my hand around his wrist and pushed his hand further against me ... and he knew exactly what I meant, and started tightening his grip. It was just a few seconds the first time, but the effect was ... well, I don't know - that one's hard to explain. Obviously it's not pain, and he was really constricting the air flow but not completely cutting it off (and yes, he totally knows what he's doing with this), but there was something amazingly erotic about it. We really quickly fell into a signal system where we'd be kissing as he was doing this, and when I'd reached my limit, I'd break the kiss ... so obviously that added to things.

And, surprisingly, he was totally into it too ... we'd always be really close physically at those moment, and I could always feeling him getting harder against me. I talked to him about how it felt for him - I guess the answer is obvious, but it was about that level of control ... and clearly the flipside of that is knowing that I trust him that much, which is all part of the connection and the rabbit hole we disappeared down when we were together.

I don't know if I"ll ever want to do that with anyone else. There was a definite emotional aspect to it that, for me anyway, requires a very particular sort of relationship.

There's been a lot happen since then ... my marriage is drawing to an end (we move out of the marital home in two weeks, although I'm actually just moving on into the future-ex-husband's new house until I buy my own place), and the BF and I broke up, we thought for good, before December.
But the, unexpectedly, we ended up talking again in March. Talking a LOT. Going around in circles a lot, yelling a lot, trying to iron out a lot of things about how we work together, including the poly aspect ... he would definitely prefer monogamy, me obviously not. One interesting thing that happened in amongst all that was that he slept with someone else. The whole situation was a bit of a mess, and definitely could have been handled better, but what really made me think was my reaction to that. I'd sort of had an idea of how I'd feel if that happened (and obviously, if I'm not going to be monogamous, I have to be OK about those I'm with doing the same), but it's one of those things that you don't really know until it happens.
While I was most unhappy with the circumstances, my feeling about the actual thing really was 'well, if he sleeps with someone else and still wants me, that makes me happy'. I didn't even really care if he kept sleeping with the other person (which he didn't) - the crux of it was that he still wants me, at one of the moments that really does test how you feel about someone. I guess I felt a tiny bit jealous, but it was barely perceptible, and I certainly didn't feel any animosity towards her.
I found all of that oddly reassuring. It was something of a test, I guess, of whether I was just using the concept of non-monogamy/polyamory as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do, or if I really was actually looking at relationships from that perspective. I'm glad it was the latter.

 

[txgent101]

Kim, I have been enjoying your saga for some time. Your openness and honesty is very refreshing! Standing up and insisting on your needs and way of life, kudos for that. Thank you so much for sharing not only the facts but the feelings and emotions that you have experienced.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, I have been enjoying your saga for some time. Your openness and honesty is very refreshing! Standing up and insisting on your needs and way of life, kudos for that. Thank you so much for sharing not only the facts but the feelings and emotions that you have experienced.

Honestly, I never think about any of this as a 'need' ... I suspect I've mentioned this a while back, but I find that framing sexual desires as 'needs' ends up being used to excuse all sorts of poor behaviour ('I can't help myself ... it's a *need*'). This is just how I want to live my life, and I'm committed to doing that as ethically as possible ... I've failed a bit on that front in the past, but I'm really trying to be more grounded in that sense going forward. The BF is giving me a chance to put that into action - I'm really trying to be as upfront as possible with him, and then he's clearly informed and can make his own choice on that basis. And I think he's trying to be the same with me.

 

[txgent101]

Honestly, I never think about any of this as a 'need' ... I suspect I've mentioned this a while back, but I find that framing sexual desires as 'needs' ends up being used to excuse all sorts of poor behaviour ('I can't help myself ... it's a *need*'). This is just how I want to live my life, and I'm committed to doing that as ethically as possible ... I've failed a bit on that front in the past, but I'm really trying to be more grounded in that sense going forward. The BF is giving me a chance to put that into action - I'm really trying to be as upfront as possible with him, and then he's clearly informed and can make his own choice on that basis. And I think he's trying to be the same with me.

Perhaps it is better described as a choice? A preference?

 

[KimGordon67]

Perhaps it is better described as a choice? A preference?

An orientation, I think. It's like some people are straight and others are gay. Some people like pain and others don't. Some people are monogamous and others aren't. But I don't think of an of those things as 'needs' ... some can be gay or straight, and still engage in their actual sexual actions according to desire or preference.
You might need something in order to get a particular result ... e.g. it may turn out that my BF 'needs' me to be monogamous in order for him to be happy in our relationship. But when people talk about 'needs' in a less outcome-oriented way, I think they're suggesting some more base, more biological, for want of a better word. I'm fairly disinclined to think about sexuality in those terms.

 

[KimGordon67]

There's been a lot happen since then ... my marriage is drawing to an end (we move out of the marital home in two weeks, although I'm actually just moving on into the future-ex-husband's new house until I buy my own place), and the BF and I broke up, we thought for good, before December.
But the, unexpectedly, we ended up talking again in March. Talking a LOT. Going around in circles a lot, yelling a lot, trying to iron out a lot of things about how we work together, including the poly aspect ... he would definitely prefer monogamy, me obviously not. One interesting thing that happened in amongst all that was that he slept with someone else. The whole situation was a bit of a mess, and definitely could have been handled better, but what really made me think was my reaction to that. I'd sort of had an idea of how I'd feel if that happened (and obviously, if I'm not going to be monogamous, I have to be OK about those I'm with doing the same), but it's one of those things that you don't really know until it happens.
While I was most unhappy with the circumstances, my feeling about the actual thing really was 'well, if he sleeps with someone else and still wants me, that makes me happy'. I didn't even really care if he kept sleeping with the other person (which he didn't) - the crux of it was that he still wants me, at one of the moments that really does test how you feel about someone. I guess I felt a tiny bit jealous, but it was barely perceptible, and I certainly didn't feel any animosity towards her.
I found all of that oddly reassuring. It was something of a test, I guess, of whether I was just using the concept of non-monogamy/polyamory as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to do, or if I really was actually looking at relationships from that perspective. I'm glad it was the latter.

And so now we're back to counting down until the next time we see each other, like slightly nausea-inducing teenagers. Who happen to own handcuffs and leashes and stuff.

Currently sitting on 49 hours.

 

[Paul_Chance]

And so now we're back to counting down until the next time we see each other, like slightly nausea-inducing teenagers. Who happen to own handcuffs and leashes and stuff.

Currently sitting on 49 hours.

Ah, but sometimes the countdown is a great part of it. As long as you get to the launch itself without having to cancel it! Then it can get frustrating.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ah, but sometimes the countdown is a great part of it. As long as you get to the launch itself without having to cancel it! Then it can get frustrating.

Don't jinx it! I'm down to 8 hours now - things can't go wrong now.

 

[KimGordon67]

Post-visit ... we spent a lot of time working on the blow jobs at both ends of the spectrum ... the really slow, deliberate, finely tuned version that he just lies back and enjoys ... he refers to those as me adoring him, and that's about right. I love spending time watching him while I'm doing something very specific, working out which things really hit home, enjoying how I can make him feel. The more time we spend together, the more I enjoy just devoting all my attention to him.

And then the much rougher version. He's discovered an unexpected thrill in making me gag, which I think is both physical and also psychological, about power & control. In the Oral Servitude thread recently some of us had a bit of a chat about the gag reflex. I've always thought it was something one should try to get around - and actually, mine has seldom been triggered in the past. I think it's a variable thing, and for me, I can manage quite a bit of depth before I get to 'gag', so I didn't even really think it was a thing for me. But recently we've pushed just that little bit further, a little bit harder, so I do end up gagging ... and he loves it. In the OS discussion, someone (sorry, I can't remember who) referred to it as especially submissive because you're pushing someone to their limit.

We tried that with the collar on, which was interesting - kind of overwhelming for me, but in a good way. That I need to think about a little bit more.

 

[Proximus]

This was my quote on gagging....

"Gagging also means that you have surrendered everything up to and including part of your own personal safety to his pleasure. It's a huge part of the power exchange... and a serious adrenaline rush. But like all things BDSM, there has to be trust, respect, and control so that it doesn't go too far."

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88932310&postcount=2723

 

[KimGordon67]

This was my quote on gagging....

"Gagging also means that you have surrendered everything up to and including part of your own personal safety to his pleasure. It's a huge part of the power exchange... and a serious adrenaline rush. But like all things BDSM, there has to be trust, respect, and control so that it doesn't go too far."

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88932310&postcount=2723

Yep - that. Thanks.

 

[CFMB_fan]

Post-visit ... we spent a lot of time working on the blow jobs at both ends of the spectrum ... the really slow, deliberate, finely tuned version that he just lies back and enjoys ... he refers to those as me adoring him, and that's about right. I love spending time watching him while I'm doing something very specific, working out which things really hit home, enjoying how I can make him feel. The more time we spend together, the more I enjoy just devoting all my attention to him.

And then the much rougher version. He's discovered an unexpected thrill in making me gag, which I think is both physical and also psychological, about power & control. In the Oral Servitude thread recently some of us had a bit of a chat about the gag reflex. I've always thought it was something one should try to get around - and actually, mine has seldom been triggered in the past. I think it's a variable thing, and for me, I can manage quite a bit of depth before I get to 'gag', so I didn't even really think it was a thing for me. But recently we've pushed just that little bit further, a little bit harder, so I do end up gagging ... and he loves it. In the OS discussion, someone (sorry, I can't remember who) referred to it as especially submissive because you're pushing someone to their limit.

We tried that with the collar on, which was interesting - kind of overwhelming for me, but in a good way. That I need to think about a little bit more.

An interesting and erotic post...

 

[KimGordon67]

Little things I love ... #1 in a possible series

The way he moves a few strands of my hair out of the way when his cock is my mouth so he can see better.

 

[Paul_Chance]

The visual of cock-in-mouth is hugely erotic.

 

[KimGordon67]

This was my quote on gagging....

"Gagging also means that you have surrendered everything up to and including part of your own personal safety to his pleasure. It's a huge part of the power exchange... and a serious adrenaline rush. But like all things BDSM, there has to be trust, respect, and control so that it doesn't go too far."

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88932310&postcount=2723

I've been thinking about this a bit more, and you are totally right. Being on the 'gagging' end of the equation, it is pretty all-encompassing and overwhelming. I've been working on riding it out a bit more - instead of just trying to stop immediately, going through the 'gag' (so to speak). I know he really enjoys the physical sensation, so if I can make it happen in succession, it's more enjoyable for him. Initially I was a bit icked out by the messiness of it all - there's a LOT of saliva if you keep going - but he actually enjoys that, so I don't see it as so yuck now.

 

[KimGordon67]

Little things I love #2

How he just says 'open' when he slides his hand between my legs, with all the assurance of knowing that's exactly what I'll do.

 

[KimGordon67]

The day after the day-after-tomorrow ... I'm in countdown mode again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

The day after the day-after-tomorrow ... I'm in countdown mode again.

Good luck! I think when the time comes you have to suddenly and loudly cry out "Houston, we have lift-off."

 

[KimGordon67]

Good luck! I think when the time comes you have to suddenly and loudly cry out "Houston, we have lift-off."

I think that would just be a little confusing.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I think that would just be a little confusing.

LOL - I kind of enjoy those "what the hell?" moments in sex.

 

[KimGordon67]

My poor neglected thread ... I really must get back to this. We (the BF and me) have had a rough few weeks, and I didn't think we were going to get through it, but I think we've come to a better place. He's a lot more emotionally fragile than I realised ... mostly because he hides all that fragility behind the most impenetrable wall I have ever come across (and I've seen a fair few walls in my time).
We went through all the variations of monogamy/non-monogamy we could think of in the last few weeks, trying to find something we were both OK with. In a fit of something like panic I said I'd be monogamous ... and then a couple of days later I realised how ridiculous it was to promise that.

I don't even really know if polyamory is what I do want, but I desperately want the freedom to find out, and to be able to do that in way that doesn't compromise my integrity, nor rely on lying to anyone else.
So we've agreed on that. He's asked me to not outrightly tell about anything else I might be doing ... I'm not 100% thrilled with that, but I see why he'd feel that way. There's no need to be in his face about anything. But I've also been absolutely clear that I won't lie - if he wants to see me and I'm doing something with someone else, I'm just going to say that. And we also agree that if he feels he needs to be sure about what's going on (instead of just surmising), he'll ask and I'll be honest.
And if it all falls apart, it all falls apart, but at least it'll be because we were open about things, and honest about what we actually want, instead of trying to make half-arsed compromises out of fear of losing each other.

I think I'm no longer married ... I'm still resident in the ex-husband's new home fairly regularly, as I haven't bought my own place yet, and we only stopped sharing a bed a couple of weeks ago. (And I really mean 'sharing a bed' - that's not a euphemism). We have worked out that separating while you still care about each other is so much easier - we haven't even been near a lawyer, and all the money and property is totally divided. (I think we're still debating over a few CDs and maybe the lawnmower, but that's about it.) He still brings me coffee in bed when I'm there, and I helped him buy new sheets for his new bed.
And he never blames me for anything ... he just says we want different things from our relationships, and that can't work. I can totally see why I married him.

 

[Paul_Chance]

My poor neglected thread ... I really must get back to this. We (the BF and me) have had a rough few weeks, and I didn't think we were going to get through it, but I think we've come to a better place. He's a lot more emotionally fragile than I realised ... mostly because he hides all that fragility behind the most impenetrable wall I have ever come across (and I've seen a fair few walls in my time).
We went through all the variations of monogamy/non-monogamy we could think of in the last few weeks, trying to find something we were both OK with. In a fit of something like panic I said I'd be monogamous ... and then a couple of days later I realised how ridiculous it was to promise that.

I don't even really know if polyamory is what I do want, but I desperately want the freedom to find out, and to be able to do that in way that doesn't compromise my integrity, nor rely on lying to anyone else.
So we've agreed on that. He's asked me to not outrightly tell about anything else I might be doing ... I'm not 100% thrilled with that, but I see why he'd feel that way. There's no need to be in his face about anything. But I've also been absolutely clear that I won't lie - if he wants to see me and I'm doing something with someone else, I'm just going to say that. And we also agree that if he feels he needs to be sure about what's going on (instead of just surmising), he'll ask and I'll be honest.
And if it all falls apart, it all falls apart, but at least it'll be because we were open about things, and honest about what we actually want, instead of trying to make half-arsed compromises out of fear of losing each other.

I think I'm no longer married ... I'm still resident in the ex-husband's new home fairly regularly, as I haven't bought my own place yet, and we only stopped sharing a bed a couple of weeks ago. (And I really mean 'sharing a bed' - that's not a euphemism). We have worked out that separating while you still care about each other is so much easier - we haven't even been near a lawyer, and all the money and property is totally divided. (I think we're still debating over a few CDs and maybe the lawnmower, but that's about it.) He still brings me coffee in bed when I'm there, and I helped him buy new sheets for his new bed.
And he never blames me for anything ... he just says we want different things from our relationships, and that can't work. I can totally see why I married him.

On the ex - that is a great place to be and how separations should be done in my book. Yes, they can be emotionally and psychologically difficult, but I have always found it works better if a relationship ends and you work through the difficult part of the ending and remember that at one time you truly loved each other, and though time and behavior and need and desire may have changed, that core still exists. You are still variations on the same people who entered the relationship. Try and love with an open hand.

 

[pplwatching]

Hi Kim,

I think that in many ways it boils down to priorities. We prioritize the things our lives that mean the most to us, whether or not we're consciously aware that we're doing it. As you've experienced, sometimes priorities (or changing priorities) lead to choices, trade offs, and changes in our lives. Our priorities may lead us to let go of other things that we may want, but that seem incompatible.

From this side of the virtual fence post it seems like "I desperately want the freedom to find out" can be roughly parsed as "The freedom to find out is a higher priority to me than a stable relationship with this man." and, by extension "is a higher priority than my marriage". This seems to be consistent with my admittedly limited understanding of what led to the end of your marriage. I don't mean to trivialize the other issues that may have led to the end of your marriage. Relationships are complicated things, and our previous discussion was focused on this particular issue, so I assume it was a principle component.

If your Beau prioritizes a relationship in which you are exclusive (putting aside for the moment the irony of your relationship with him while you were married), then I am inclined to agree that "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't seem like a great strategy. If my wife told me that relationships with other men were a priority over our relationship together, I'd have a problem with that - but I would try to be enlightened and understanding because I also want her to grow as a person, even though it would lead to emotional stress for me (and probably the end of our marriage). If he knows that this is a deal breaker for you then he might unnecessarily draw out the end of the relationship in which he's unhappy out of a sense of "fear of losing you", or "appearing to be unreasonable", assuming that he's prone to either. It seems important to at least have the same priorities, even if we have different wants and needs.

It will be enlightening to see how your priorities evolve as you move out of your marriage home and your husband is no longer a regular part of your life, and how those changes effect your choices.