How can a good Dom improve your life?

[BensSweetSubmissive]

Hello. I'm not sure how to write a successful post but I'm giving it a try.

I've been in an online relationship with my Dom for over a year, with an almost daily communication routine. It's been a wonderful experience I have appreciated very much. Recently, there has been an abrupt loss of contact on his part. While possible, our interactions and history together don't lead me to believe he just "gave up". So, it's been difficult for me not to assume something bad has happened. I miss him immensely and just hope that he is okay.

One of the tasks he wanted me to do was to post something about my submission to him, maybe a type of blog. This may be the last thing I get to do for him, so here it goes...

When I started out on this journey with Sir, I was unsure of what to expect. But he was very good at "learning about me" and knowing how to provide exactly what I needed. In the past year, there have been times when my life was a mess. He gave me a purpose. At times when life was stagnant, he gave me tasks so I wasn't bored. When I sometimes neglected taking care of myself, he made sure I corrected that. He made me smile, laugh, feel a good kind of nervousness. He taught me patience, gave me adventures, and often spurred an OMG reaction to some requests. He gave me something to look forward to everyday. He gave great advice, and I learned a lot from his more experienced perspective.

Then there are effects you may not even realize until you look back. It kind of gives you incentive to improve on things you want to improve on. I think, by wanting to please him, I tried harder to take care of myself physically...better diet, exercise, spending extra time on looking nice. By exploring different things, I learned more about myself. Because I respected him and his opinions, I learned to appreciate different views on things. I became more mindful of my attitude. I also gained a certain confidence level from belonging to him...his opinion/approval meant so much more than the thoughts/judgements of random strangers. I can't even list a negative impact from our relationship, but the positive ones made life better.

I would be interested in hearing thoughts or examples from others on the positive effects of having a good Dom in your life. Or from some Doms who have noticed certain improvements as a result of your D/s relationship.

 

[box13]

Maybe he knows you deserve more, and has some trouble with how he could provide that....the next step could have been a big one, with big risks. I dunno. I'm sorry for the sudden loss. You're not blaming yourself for it, and that's good.

I can only say that as a Dom it gives you purpose, knowing there is someone there....someone who knows and someone who wants...the emotional connectedness and the object of affection that's needed.

I think it sounds very much like what you've experienced, just on the other side of the fragile thread.

 

[AlliaPotestas]

Oh lovely, I want to give you a hug (and I, as a general rule, go out of my way to avoid hugging anyone, so that’s a very big thing indeed, )

I hope he at least reappears to give you an explanation, you deserve that. It says a huge amount about you, that despite the sudden loss, you cannot find a single negative thing - I love you a little for that.

I had a lit friend that lives by the motto, leave them a little better than you found them. It sounds like your Dom achieved this, which is no small feat. The key thing for you now is to own those changes, it’s amazing you have made so many positive changes for him but keep them up for you. You are so worth caring about, do it for you,

Hugs and kisses and strength to you,

 

[ExiledWelshman]

No idea. Yet to find one.

 

[Angedesoleil]

That post was so well written Benssweetsubmissive. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I will agree with everything you said. I will also add that my Sir is my reality check. He helps keep me from doing the stupid sh** that I do. :/ I can completely relate to the attitude awareness, sense of purpose/ direction, and feeling wanted/ needed. Bless you, honey.

 

[cookiecat]

I hope you find some answers as to why he disappeared. It's far too easy to do online. Sometimes it's nothing bad -- it's just the real life in front of us takes us away from online life - no matter how strong the connection.

When I discovered D/s, it was amazing to know there were guys out there who liked to be controlling. Who got off on taking the time to figure me out. I craved that kind of attention. It took me a while to figure out if I was just lazy about my self care or if it was awesome to have a partner in crime.

Ultimately, for me, these kinds of online relationships - feel really one sided. I understand there are D types (male or female) who enjoy this control, the nurturing, to be a fixer in return for... whatever the agreement was. On the D side, it must be daunting at times to be learning the s person so deeply, to have the s's very happiness in their hands. To think about tasks, assignments, all the things to keep the s motivated, positive, aroused, moving forward. It's a lot of responsibility for the D.

I love your last paragraph, Benssweetsub:

Then there are effects you may not even realize until you look back. It kind of gives you incentive to improve on things you want to improve on. I think, by wanting to please him, I tried harder to take care of myself physically...better diet, exercise, spending extra time on looking nice. By exploring different things, I learned more about myself. Because I respected him and his opinions, I learned to appreciate different views on things. I became more mindful of my attitude. I also gained a certain confidence level from belonging to him...his opinion/approval meant so much more than the thoughts/judgements of random strangers. I can't even list a negative impact from our relationship, but the positive ones made life better.

The fact you can take away so much and keep doing this on your own.

I think each of my D/s relationships - both online and in real life - have given me something positive to use as I move forward. In the very beginning, it was learning about my limits, how I could see myself as a submissive and still be me.

As I've been in this longer, I realize how important it is for me to give back to the relationship. To be a strong, smart, creative and obedient submissive. Sure, I still can't always find my keys or run 5 minutes late - but overall, I want to be a responsible, healthy adult in a loving D/s relationship.

It is nice to have that kind of relationship, though, where you are each other's cheerleaders!

 

[BensSweetSubmissive]

Hello again.

Instead of replying individually to everyone, I'll just say that it is very cool to have gotten some responses on this thread and privately. I appreciate all the feedback and support and good wishes. Thank you.

I didn't start this thread with the intention of making anyone feel bad for my current situation. But I will say that I am feeling a bit lost right now. There is a huge void in my life where Sir used to be. He was distinctly my Dom, not my boyfriend. But he was a friend and sometimes my very needed "sounding board". One of the most important people in my life. And I miss him a lot.

I should have quoted the paragraph Cookiecat wrote about it being daunting for a Dom to take on all that responsibility, coming up with inventive ways to keep a sub interested, focussed, on track and moving forward. I completely agree with that. I think it's a hard job. It's funny, I even had a discussion with Sir along those lines.

As far as online feeling "one sided", I didn't feel that way overall. In the beginning, I kind of did feel like I was getting the better end of the deal. Like I wasn't able to do enough for him via the limits of being online rather than in person. But I tried very hard to give him what he needed or wanted from a sub and to let him know how much I appreciated him. I don't think I'm an overly "needy" sub and I worked hard to be creative and "give back" as much as I could. Eventually, I felt like it was a pretty balanced relationship. (Hopefully he felt that as well.)

We also had the discussion about how online people can "disappear". And both promised not to do that. I'm an adult. I understand life happens. Most things do inevitably end at some point. So an "I'm just not feeling it anymore" or "its been good knowing you, but bye" would have sufficed. But I also know things don't always go as planned and for whatever reason, I may never get a "goodbye". I won't be bitter over it or feel sorry for myself and I do really hope that he is alive and well and happy in life.

 

[BadAmy]

"leave them a little better than you found them".

This. One can only hope.

Big hugs to the op. Xxo

 

[cookiecat]

Hello again.

Instead of replying individually to everyone, I'll just say that it is very cool to have gotten some responses on this thread and privately. I appreciate all the feedback and support and good wishes. Thank you.

I didn't start this thread with the intention of making anyone feel bad for my current situation. But I will say that I am feeling a bit lost right now. There is a huge void in my life where Sir used to be. He was distinctly my Dom, not my boyfriend. But he was a friend and sometimes my very needed "sounding board". One of the most important people in my life. And I miss him a lot.

I should have quoted the paragraph Cookiecat wrote about it being daunting for a Dom to take on all that responsibility, coming up with inventive ways to keep a sub interested, focussed, on track and moving forward. I completely agree with that. I think it's a hard job. It's funny, I even had a discussion with Sir along those lines.

As far as online feeling "one sided", I didn't feel that way overall. In the beginning, I kind of did feel like I was getting the better end of the deal. Like I wasn't able to do enough for him via the limits of being online rather than in person. But I tried very hard to give him what he needed or wanted from a sub and to let him know how much I appreciated him. I don't think I'm an overly "needy" sub and I worked hard to be creative and "give back" as much as I could. Eventually, I felt like it was a pretty balanced relationship. (Hopefully he felt that as well.)

We also had the discussion about how online people can "disappear". And both promised not to do that. I'm an adult. I understand life happens. Most things do inevitably end at some point. So an "I'm just not feeling it anymore" or "its been good knowing you, but bye" would have sufficed. But I also know things don't always go as planned and for whatever reason, I may never get a "goodbye". I won't be bitter over it or feel sorry for myself and I do really hope that he is alive and well and happy in life.

Your post was all kinds of good. Online relationships can be so weird. But they can be rewarding, too, when both sides get needs/desires met. It sounds like it was that for both of you. BSS.

 

[PrettyLilPussy]

I don't have anything worth adding but I wanted to thank you for your poignant words. It's always amazing when someone you don't know can express a feeling that connects with you so directly. I'd also like to mention how much I love the supportive ladies on this post. I need good girl friends like that in my life. Best of luck, OP. You deserve good things.

 

[LeatherPissPunk]

A good Dom can, if you're a submissive, make you feel complete and happy (and vice versa).