Feedback adored and wanted.

[erotica881988]

Hi all,
I am the writer of a series here on LITEROTICA.
It is highly rated and all chapters have received the "H" rating.
Reading feedback( both positive an negative ) is so much fun .
I don't mind criticism or negative comments , but do ask that if you leave a negative comment use your screen name.
I take criticism well and enjoy chatting with my readers.
Discussing the chapters and the characters and over all story is half the fun .
I respond to all comments (Both positive and negative) and I am always appreciative of your critiques and opinions, but mostly I like to thank the commenter for taking the time to read my series.

The series is called "ANAL SUMMER" and can be found in the "Anal" section.
looking forward to your comments and discussions .
Erotica881988

 

[ElectricBlue]

The series is called "ANAL SUMMER" and can be found in the "Anal" section.
looking forward to your comments and discussions .
Erotica881988

Link to the stories:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2164659&page=submissions

 

[ElectricBlue]

I go this far and thought, oh dear...

This image did nothing to help me lose the erection I didn't realize I had developed during the battle of eye contact with Sexy Eyes.

No man doesn't know when he's got an erection, so I'm afraid the story lost credibility for me, right there.

But you're hauling in the readers and getting decent scores, so what would I know .

I do admire your love of the bum, noting that you've written this over four years. That's dedication to a cause!

 

[8letters]

My thoughts:
* Way too much narrative summary at the beginning. Just get into the first scene
* I didn't get into the "build sexual tension by staring at each other" thing
* You should have been building up sexual tension between the narrator and Madison. The flashback to Gemma giving head to Big D was counterproductive
* The flashback threw the timeline out of whack. The nineteen-year-old narrator worked with Gemma before she launched this restaurant. It's tough for me to imagine Gemma could have in two years gone from giving Big D a blow job to keep her job at the prior restaurant to being the owner of a restaurant that's so profitable and successful that she's not having to work long hours cooking. If it is two or more years, your story can be reported and pulled
* I'm not sure what was the point of Madison changing into a negligee. She obviously intends to seduce the narrator. Why not just do it?
* She's in charge, but she doesn't have him make her cum before they start fucking?
* He's afraid he's about to cum, so he has her stop giving him head. Then he lasts a long time while they're fucking?
* I'm sure the anal readers enjoyed the anal sex scene

 

[erotica881988]

Thanks for your feedback ,
I am a woman writing as a man, so I guess my first person account on how a penis behaves is a bit off, lol.
I have written this years ago and I have several many more chapters and a conclusion already written
It's getting them edited that slows it all down.

 

[erotica881988]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
All of your points are good .
The flashback is only a 1 or 2 years previous.
The timeline is explained better in later chapters,
I felt I had to be vague there because I was concerned with the age of the character always being of legal age .
So I wanted the reader to make their own assumptions about his (true) age on thier own.
I thought the careful subtil hints were there.
Madison is a sexual being she takes pleasure in "The hunt" just like men do.
her negligee was her way of drawing out the game she enjoys so much, she is a cat playing with a mouse. Yet the silky feel of it on her body turns her on and makes her feel sexy. I couldn't explain it yet because of the narrative form I chose (painted myself in to a corner) write this in.
The part about him lasting long is poetic licence, you are right that is not realistic but It makes the story better.
thanks for reading and taking the time to leave thoughtful feedback .

 

[8letters]

I am a woman writing as a man.

I'm very surprised that you are a woman writing as a man. The story came across as very much "male gaze".

Madison is a sexual being she takes pleasure in "The hunt" just like men do.
her negligee was her way of drawing out the game she enjoys so much, she is a cat playing with a mouse. Yet the silky feel of it on her body turns her on and makes her feel sexy. I couldn't explain it yet because of the narrative form I chose (painted myself in to a corner) write this in.

I wish there had been more of Madison toying with Larry like a cat plays with a mouse. Maybe she asks him to change a light bulb for her and she rubs her hands all over his body as he does that. She could have told him how the silky feel of her negligee felt as she rubbed his shoulders.

The part about him lasting long is poetic licence, you are right that is not realistic but It makes the story better.

Actually, I think it would have been better if he had come quickly in her mouth. Then she'd tell him that he was going to eat her out. She'd tell him exactly how to eat her. They'd fuck and again he comes fairly quickly. She then suggests anal sex and uses talking about that to get him hard again. Then have the anal sex scene. She'd like a young stud who can get it back up so quickly and he'd be wowed by cumming three times and filling all her holes.

 

[erotica881988]

that is your opinion, and I respect it.
however as a woman I can say that on nights where I have had sex and got to cum more than once.
The first time I cum it's better.
I don't think it is different for guys either.
so I took licence with it, because I wanted the hero's first conquest of a womans ass to be the most intense orgasam possible.
again just a matter of opinion an to chose realism or fantasy.
Keep in mind this is just the first chapter I ever wrote in erotica and I have grown since as a writer.
the series has gotten better and hotter as it goes along.

thank you for reading my story and for your honest opinion.
I enjoy our conversation.

 

[KatieTay]

I think a lot of people have not properly understood Mulvey's theory of the "male gaze".

It's almost as if anything "gazey" has to be male, and female writing can only be pure introspection and sensuality without any visual element.

We like to look too, you know!

 

[AwkwardMD]

Don't hurt em, Hammer!

 

[erotica881988]

Agreed 100% that is why I have chosen to write this from the narrative of a male character.
Turn it on its head .

 

[hadruprider]

Would you prefer comments here or under the stories?