Do sadists love?

[Nezhul]

after reading your opinions guys and after days of thinking, I came to a conclusion that she may have a personality disorder which obviously would be a part of her sadist side, the meaning... She finds it so hard to confess that she needs me and have feelings for me because (for her she will lose her perfection). I once told her "you mean a lot to me, but what am I to u"? She said... "you know what you mean to me, your submission is the greatest thing ever in my world"!!.

No, I don't think there's any disorder. Also I don't think it's hard for her to confess her feelings to you - it just sounds like she doesn't feel very much to begin with.

As others have said, I think that for her your games are just a joyful distraction, nothing more. No "deeper feelings" to speak of.

Based on that I think telling her that I love her would not change anything, she would never confess that she loves me, even if she does, she likes to keep it that way. Lets not forget that shes married and she has kids, so its not easy to sacrifise all that for the sake of her fantasies.

Yup. I stand by my suggestion to find yourself your own soulmate who will be your mistress instead of holding onto this one.

One more thing. Yes, I know dommes do exist everywhere, but they are very rare and hard to find specially in a conservative country such mine, so considering that Im a guy who cant have a vanilla relationship, Im not gonna lie, my future love life is not gonna be that bright.

You didn't read a lot into what I've posted about human psychology, did you?

And also, what country would that be?

 

[Tristan861]

And also, what country would that be?[/QUOTE]

Jordan- middle eastern country

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

-snip-.

For fuck’s sake, are you even aware of what it is that you’re talking about anymore? Now you seem to have picked up a thesaurus and adopted a vain air of superiority, when ALL I SAID in the beginning was how does that help?”

That this

I'm not so sure. I'm convinced that there are just as many people who are emotional sadists and masochists as there are physical ones.

Has nothing to do with anything, that it did not contribute, help, advise, enlighten, and came off as being empty contrariety because you followed it up with NOTHING. Ending every statement by saying “ but I don’t know “ means that you are either ignorant, or not committed to anything you say. Hence, it’s all hollow speculation, being vomited out of the lowest hole in your head, just so you can hear yourself talk. God forbid you commit to the things you say without qualifiers.

You’ve now launched into comparing your little throwaway comment to scientific theory, then opted for juvenile sarcarsm because you “ mistyped “, and I’m on a high horse. Also, pretending that you were offering some great insight into the psychology behind the motivations of a stranger, is actually more insultingly dense than offering simple advice based on a described scenario. No one asked for or is impressed with your high school psych assessment of the situation and pretending to be in possession of some profound revelation about it has only made you look like a pompous fucktard who has taken this way farther than it should have gone, when the conclusion is quite simple, Sigmund.

Either say something meaningful and stand by it, or deal with the fact that all your original post ( and the subsequent tidal wave verbal diarrhea that followed ) is good for is to be printed out, folded up, and worn as a hat. By a cunt.

Sorry OP, train wreck over

 

[KimGordon67]

Lets not forget that shes married and she has kids, so its not easy to sacrifise all that for the sake of her fantasies.

I'm just going to bring a slightly different perspective into this ... it doesn't seem like she's going to leave her husband. Possibly she loves him. She may have deliberately chosen a situation in which she can exercise her desires as a domme but have little risk of emotional attachment precisely because she doesn't want to risk her marriage. So yes, she wants to have her cake and eat it too ... but that pretty much was the situation you walked into, presumably fully aware of what was happening. Obviously people's feeling change over the course of time, as your's have, but it doesn't seem like hers have. I'd imagine she probably cares for you - it's difficult to have a relationship with someone for over two years without that happening - so she probably doesn't want to hurt you. But it seems like you're the one wanting to change the parameters of the relationship, while at the same time attempting to make her responsible for the fact that she doesn't, because you're scared you'll never find another woman like her.

You might just have to accept that you love her without that being reciprocated.

 

[Tristan861]

Okay... Lets just back to the main question. Still wondering how a true sadist would fall in love with her submissive?. Usually a true sadist/goddess would have boundaries with her slave, and in my opinion falling in a romantic relationship will make her lose some of her power. For example, a goddess rewards her slave lets say by letting him kiss her feet, now in case they have romantic relationship, she would let him kiss her lips and hug her as well and maybe make love with her... that means the boundaries between the D/S are gone. So the dome should consider the consequnces before she does such action...am I right?.

Maybe you think that Im trying desperatly to find excuses for my mistress's behaviour, but actually this is what the thread is all about; how the "true" dominant would deal with such situation.
Everybody is welcome to answer, but I really need answers from female dominants.

 

[Blue]

Okay... Lets just back to the main question. Still wondering how a true sadist would fall in love with her submissive?. Usually a true sadist/goddess would have boundaries with her slave, and in my opinion falling in a romantic relationship will make her lose some of her power. For example, a goddess rewards her slave lets say by letting him kiss her feet, now in case they have romantic relationship, she would let him kiss her lips and hug her as well and maybe make love with her... that means the boundaries between the D/S are gone. So the dome should consider the consequnces before she does such action...am I right?.

Maybe you think that Im trying desperatly to find excuses for my mistress's behaviour, but actually this is what the thread is all about; how the "true" dominant would deal with such situation.
Everybody is welcome to answer, but I really need answers from female dominants.

You've read one too many trashy bdsm stories.
Get a grip on reality, your not-even-friend-with-benefits setup isn't a strictly d/s system, female doms don't have their own unique psychological profile, and there's no rules on how to do sex properly aside from the obvious things.

She fell in love with some guy, had a few kids and eventually realized she can't be happy without an outlet (you) for certain desires she has. You're the only one who can find out what degree her attachment to you is because we can't ask her for you.

It's really not so complicated.

 

[KimGordon67]

Okay... Lets just back to the main question. Still wondering how a true sadist would fall in love with her submissive?. Usually a true sadist/goddess would have boundaries with her slave, and in my opinion falling in a romantic relationship will make her lose some of her power. For example, a goddess rewards her slave lets say by letting him kiss her feet, now in case they have romantic relationship, she would let him kiss her lips and hug her as well and maybe make love with her... that means the boundaries between the D/S are gone. So the dome should consider the consequnces before she does such action...am I right?.

Maybe you think that Im trying desperatly to find excuses for my mistress's behaviour, but actually this is what the thread is all about; how the "true" dominant would deal with such situation.
Everybody is welcome to answer, but I really need answers from female dominants.

This is possibly the strangest thing I've read in some time. So you're suggesting that someone on the 'd' side of a d/s situation couldn't fall in love because boundaries?

I know this isn't universal, but personally I don't think I could be on the 's' side of that equation with someone who didn't love me or at least care for me a fair bit, because trust. How could I possibly trust someone I didn't know had my best interests at heart. Again, I know that's not a universal, and quite clearly lots of people on the 's' side of equation manage just fine in the absence of an emotional connection, but don't confuse 'dominating' (or whatever) someone with not caring about them.

 

[Nezhul]

Okay... Lets just back to the main question. Still wondering how a true sadist would fall in love with her submissive?. Usually a true sadist/goddess would have boundaries with her slave, and in my opinion falling in a romantic relationship will make her lose some of her power. For example, a goddess rewards her slave lets say by letting him kiss her feet, now in case they have romantic relationship, she would let him kiss her lips and hug her as well and maybe make love with her... that means the boundaries between the D/S are gone. So the dome should consider the consequnces before she does such action...am I right?.

Maybe you think that Im trying desperatly to find excuses for my mistress's behaviour, but actually this is what the thread is all about; how the "true" dominant would deal with such situation.
Everybody is welcome to answer, but I really need answers from female dominants.

A female domme (godess) doesn't HAVE to limit her use of you to kissing her feet. That's the whole point. She can do whatever and still be in charge. If you think that letting you fuck her pussy while kissing her lips makes you somehow equal - you don't know much about hardcore S&M dynamics.
I agree with what said above - you've read too many trashy BDSM fantasy stories.

I'll leave it at that.

p.s. TRUE SADISTS - would be people with sociopathic tendencies, shizophrenia or worse, who like delivering pain and suffering onto others. Such people, due to their mental illnesses, will find it hard to fall in love with anyone, to associate with anyone. This has nothing to do with BDSM, but this happens.
They will definitely NOT have you on your knees kissing their feet. They will simply take a stick and beat you up, then more and more. With no regard to sexuality.
Needless to say, that's far from ehr case. She has a husband, children - she's not a sociopath as you are trying to picture her as. She doesn't want deep relationship with you - but that doesn't make her mentally deranged.

 

[Tristan861]

You've read one too many trashy bdsm stories.

I'm not that educated in the BDSM world, but...Isn't there people who make a contract with their goddess to be their property? I once have met a mistress who has her sub living with her in a cage!!.(of course not for a lifetime)... The ''trashy bdsm stories'' do exist in reality my friend. If you are a sadist/masochist who hasn't reached this kind of cruelty /devotion, well, that doesn't mean they are not exist.

 

[Tristan861]

This is possibly the strangest thing I've read in some time. So you're suggesting that someone on the 'd' side of a d/s situation couldn't fall in love because boundaries?

the 'd' side may have fallen in love but prefers not to show it for the 's' side.

I know this isn't universal, but personally I don't think I could be on the 's' side of that equation with someone who didn't love me or at least care for me a fair bit, because trust. How could I possibly trust someone I didn't know had my best interests at heart. Again, I know that's not a universal, and quite clearly lots of people on the 's' side of equation manage just fine in the absence of an emotional connection, but don't confuse 'dominating' (or whatever) someone with not caring about them.

She cares about me and definitely has emotions towards me. I mentioned in my first thread that the sessions between us became so passionate.

 

[Farawyn]

What do you want to change, OP?
From telling her how you feel...she’s gonna leave her family? More vanilla?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Okay... Lets just back to the main question. Still wondering how a true sadist would fall in love with her submissive?. Usually a true sadist/goddess would have boundaries with her slave, and in my opinion falling in a romantic relationship will make her lose some of her power. For example, a goddess rewards her slave lets say by letting him kiss her feet, now in case they have romantic relationship, she would let him kiss her lips and hug her as well and maybe make love with her... that means the boundaries between the D/S are gone. So the dome should consider the consequnces before she does such action...am I right?.

Maybe you think that Im trying desperatly to find excuses for my mistress's behaviour, but actually this is what the thread is all about; how the "true" dominant would deal with such situation.
Everybody is welcome to answer, but I really need answers from female dominants.

What cascadiabound said: there is no "true dominant". It's like asking "should a true painter use blue paint, or purple?" Instead of looking for some universal rule about how people and relationships work, just focus on how this relationship works, and whether it's working for you.

For that matter, "love" probably isn't a very useful word here. In conventional relationships "I love you" might come with some standard expectations, but obviously you're not in a conventional relationship. You'd be better off working out what your partner can give you, emotionally - and whether that matches what you need - than worrying about whether she calls it "love".

 

[Tristan861]

What do you want to change, OP?
From telling her how you feel...she’s gonna leave her family? More vanilla?

Yeah Farawyn, I already stated that this would not change anything, I just want to know if she loves me back deep down, that would be enough to me.

 

[Tristan861]

What cascadiabound said: there is no "true dominant". It's like asking "should a true painter use blue paint, or purple?" Instead of looking for some universal rule about how people and relationships work, just focus on how this relationship works, and whether it's working for you.

For that matter, "love" probably isn't a very useful word here. In conventional relationships "I love you" might come with some standard expectations, but obviously you're not in a conventional relationship. You'd be better off working out what your partner can give you, emotionally - and whether that matches what you need - than worrying about whether she calls it "love".

I totally agree with you, but it's a form of love after all.

 

[Farawyn]

Yeah Farawyn, I already stated that this would not change anything, I just want to know if she loves me back deep down, that would be enough to me.

Then ask her!

 

[Tristan861]

I wish there were more dommes here to see their opinions about it since this topic is actually directed to them. Anyways, I think this thread is over discussed now, Ill just put my last thoughts here;

The Conclusion is one of these three possibilities:

1- She doesn't have that special feelings for me, Like most of you stated; (She wants to have her cake and eat it too).

2-She can't have vanilla feelings for me because of her sadistic character.

3- She has that deep feelings for me but her pride/ her sadistic side prevents her from revealing her emotions to me.

being the part of this relationship, I will go with number 3.

I really appreciate all your contribution/ attempts to figure out my situation.
Thank you All.

 

[Mrtenant]

I wish there were more dommes here to see their opinions about it since this topic is actually directed to them. Anyways, I think this thread is over discussed now, Ill just put my last thoughts here;

The Conclusion is one of these three possibilities:

1- She doesn't have that special feelings for me, Like most of you stated; (She wants to have her cake and eat it too).

2-She can't have vanilla feelings for me because of her sadistic character.

3- She has that deep feelings for me but her pride/ her sadistic side prevents her from revealing her emotions to me.

being the part of this relationship, I will go with number 3.

I really appreciate all your contribution/ attempts to figure out my situation.
Thank you All.

Just bloody ask her.

 

[Farawyn]

If pride trumps love, why the fuck would you want her anyway?

Good luck.

 

[richard_daily]

In re-reading your post, I agree with Farawyn. She wants to be married, stay married. AND she wants a submissive to play with.

So what?

There seems to be a huge air of judgement against people who are with more than one person in the BDSM community.

People are free to be with and to love whom them choose.

Sometimes that's one person for their entire life, but more often than not, it's something else.

 

[Blue]

There seems to be a huge air of judgement against people who are with more than one person in the BDSM community.

Uh no.

I've been here almost daily for ~2 years and there's 4 or 5 people that I can remember posting here saying they are polyamorous, or in an 'open' relationship, or were/want to be in them and I don't recall a single post by even a random anon chastising them for it. The people who frequent this board are easily the most sexually liberal and non-judgemental demographic I've ever come across. I have no idea where on Earth you are possibly getting that idea from.

The issue on this thread is that one side of the relationship is confused/concerned about the other's emotional investment in them for whatever reason. I don't see any posts even referring to, never mind deriding, the topic of polyamory. Cookie and Farawyn are saying that her specific supposed approach to their relationship may or may not be problematic for all parties involved.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So what?

There seems to be a huge air of judgement against people who are with more than one person in the BDSM community.

People are free to be with and to love whom them choose.

Sometimes that's one person for their entire life, but more often than not, it's something else.

I'm poly, and like Blue says, I've never noticed any hostility to that on this board.

Cookie and Fara were pointing out that what Enigmatic Domme Lady wants out of this relationship might not line up with what OP wants. That's not anti-poly. If anything, that sort of discussion is more important in polyamory, because you can't rely on social defaults about what a relationship involves.

 

[cookiecat]

So what?

There seems to be a huge air of judgement against people who are with more than one person in the BDSM community.

People are free to be with and to love whom them choose.

Sometimes that's one person for their entire life, but more often than not, it's something else.

???

No so what. No judgement at all. I've been in poly relationship and when they work, they're amazing.

Agree with all your statements. OP is free to love whomever. I guess I thought he was asking our opinions about his situation because he had some angst over falling love with her and not getting the same back from her. That's all.

If he wants to stay with her and love her, I'm all for it. But that's not what I read in his original post.

edited: I can't figure out where you get we're all a bunch of judgers??

 

[cookiecat]

I wish there were more dommes here to see their opinions about it since this topic is actually directed to them. Anyways, I think this thread is over discussed now, Ill just put my last thoughts here;

The Conclusion is one of these three possibilities:

1- She doesn't have that special feelings for me, Like most of you stated; (She wants to have her cake and eat it too).

2-She can't have vanilla feelings for me because of her sadistic character.

3- She has that deep feelings for me but her pride/ her sadistic side prevents her from revealing her emotions to me.

being the part of this relationship, I will go with number 3.

I really appreciate all your contribution/ attempts to figure out my situation.
Thank you All.

I hope you continue to enjoy your relationship with her.

 

[cuckoldbob]

......................

 

[Tristan861]

Well, after days of reading articles about relationships, I figured out I was wrong.
I think this thread's title should be changed now to; Do narcissists love?!!
I "by a chance" found this article about narcissism and honeslty I had no idea about the meaning of this word... Well, after reading A LOT of articles about it I figured out that Im dealing with one.

I think this word solved the mystery that I have been dealing with!!

Im posting this for people who may be in the same situation.

Now I found answers to all the questions I had,
- she never expressed her feelings towrds me... Guess why? Because she has NONE ...Yes NONE... I figured out that Im only an object to her for her pleasure, I am a supply/fuel for her needs.Just like when someone buys a new car, he takecares of it because it serves him, but once the car is broken he will throw it away.!!

- In 2 freakin years she never said "Sorry"..why? Because in her opinion shes always right, she cant be wrong, how would she apologize if she thinks that she cant make mistakes?

- She wants to be worshipped because in her imaginary, she thinks that she's a perfection / the greatest in the world.

- Its always about her. She doesnt give a damn about me, sometimes she does, but its just because Im her proprety/ supplier.
There are even more narcissist characters in her but I think thats enough.

Bottomline, I was suffering emotionally recenetly because of her character, I thought she loves me back but she doesnt want to reveal it because of her sadistic side...Shes a sadist as well btw, but sadism alone doesnt have to do with the lack of empathy / feeling the other part... Or at least that that what I think.

Now Im aware that narcissism is an disorder in the personality, something that can not be controlled, And I know that narcissists usually cant be treated because they dont think they have any wrong with them in the first place.
I feel sorry for her but I should feel sorry for myself as well...