Annoying my dominatrix.

[Trafficlightsystem]

Hi, I'm really new to the world of kink (and I think healthy relationships in general. Which is why this problem exist)

For some background info. I've know my domme for quite some time, and tried to do a vanilla\fuck buddy thing at first That did not work out at all. We later talked about it, and turns out she's intended in being a dominatrix, and I have always been very submissive and into kink since before I knew there was a world devoted to it. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, (I'm in my 30s now) so Ive never had an outlet for discussion and feedback up until a month or so ago.

And everytime I talk with my domme face to face. Everything goes swimmingly.and I always walk Away completely at ease. But after a week goes by, I'm ready for another session, and the patience I had always thought was one of my strong points fades rapidly, and I quickly start obsessing over when we will meet up next, while at the same time trying not to seem like I am obsessing at all, which I fail at terribly. (Usually this happens by text, either I text her searching for some icebreaker that I can use to get on the subject. But she is way too smart not to notice. Or she text me and will barely hint at sex, and I just fucking lose it, and act like a teenager having his first kiss.)

I have sort of talked about this issue with my domme a bit earlier on, but I don't exactly remember how much I had figured out for myself at that point, and I think this current attitude is much more true of myself than my earlier more emotional persona. But at the time her advice was to find something to occupy your time, or take on a project, but everything I try seems to backfired on me. I decided first off to try and immerse myself into the bdsm culture outside of porno by reading books, and forums. But this had the negative effect of me realizing all the potential possibilities of what new things I would love to try, and more questions on how I should act as a sub,(which is so varied from partner to partner, that the possibilities are endless). Both just made my excitement keep mounting and made it even harder to stay patient. After the bdsm research
Didn't work as planned, I figured I'd give Facebook a try, but apparently all the friends I thought used it have long since stopped, and now its just a handful of friends including my domme, so now I just feel like I'm stalking her, which I at least had convinced myself wasn't my intention. Before giving it a try.

So there it is. I don't think I have completely alienated her yet, but if I don't turn things around soon, could be a possibility. Which would really suck (I'm pretty sure for both of us) as the trust is already there, the first session went so well, And my problem with containing my excitement has only come up electronically!

I really don't know if this is a question or not, but I would like to hear from anyone who has experienced this type of thing or anyone who can chime in on what sort of approach I should take.
At this point I'm not sure if it. Would be better to wait out another week and see if we can meet up next weekend, or to get this out in the open now, so is there is some resentment, it doesn't continue throughout the week

. Also I find the way I've been action recently hilarious, not the outcome of it, just that I am this inexperienced and had absolutely no idea until now. And that I can look at the situation as a whole completely rationally and see all of my mistakes, I just can't seem to figure out how to stop them from happening. (Does this paragraph seem funny or depressing to the reader? Because I have joked about sarcasm in writing with my domme recently, but I think I might really have a problem not being sarcastic, and that might be the root of the problem.)

Oh and last point. Can anyone tell me if this sounds like a good idea. Next time I see her, or if I happen to grow enough balls to ask before then. I was planning on suggesting that "she use me for her pleasure anytime she sees fit. Text me a time and I will drive 2 hours to lick your pussy, for 20 minutes, and drive home happy" I get confused with the sub\slave dynamic, and want to suggest this in a way that won't seem like I'm telling her what to do. But it would be amazing for keeping my excitement at bay between sessions.

I know This post is rather sporadic, so if I left off info needed to answer properly just let me know and I'll add it in.

 

[Blue]

I really don't know if this is a question or not

It's not.

So you get anxious sometimes and don't know what her expectations are?

I don't really see how we can help with that.

 

[Trafficlightsystem]

I guess I would like to know whether or not this sort of self-sabotage or at least this perceived self-sabotage is a fairly common occurrence when trying to establish new roles.

And I apologize for not having a straight forward question for you, but I am basically starting from scratch. As my last sexual encounter was 7 years ago. And my new domme is definitely the first person I have ever been with (including myself) that is actually comfortable with their sexuality and willing to talk about it.

Thanks for the quick response, and I hope to have much more valid questions and maybe even some answers further down the line.

 

[blackmohammed]

OK first you need to be ready for some hard truths and be open to criticism, please take a moment before reading further.

Here we go.

Your problem is not that your patience fades and that you start to get obsessive for another session, that is to be expected from a sub/slave, the real issue is that you are just starting out and so is your master.

The relationship you and her form is about the trust you share and the mutual satisfaction you want from each other. Do not go diving into the BDSM world blindly trying to occupy yourself, that is a sure fire way to get hot and horny which will only twiddle down your self control. If your Master is not available to satisfy your needs at the time then you need to find a way to tide yourself over until the next session. That means finding something that satisfies your needs just enough to relive the extra stress but not all of it, wearing a cock ring around town all day, playing with yourself but not cumming until the third time, or having your Master yell at you a little so you can apologize are a few examples. Ideally your master would tell you the thing to do while the are not around so you feel like you are doing it for them. As a sub/slave when you are not in a session you should be the one asking for the things you need help with, not as a demand but as a request that you want added to your relationship.

After that you should consider what kink you are really getting out of the relationship with your master, from your description it feels like you and her are just having a casual fun time so don't take it to serious and try experimenting. If you are really trying to not annoy her or alienate her then you need to lay out the rules of you Master/ Slave relationship. I can tell from your description she is being very passive and might like the fact that you are begging for it by the time she is ready while at the same time you just want a taste to make yourself stop shaking during the week. Both of you can be satisfied and happy if you talk it out and find what routine will make you and her complete. Being her fuck toy that comes over to eat her out when she feels like might sound fun to you but if she wants to really dominate you then that will only fill her need just a little.

The fact that you can recognize your own actions are out of the ordinary but have no way to correct it is what you should expect to happen as a sub or even a dom. It is our nature to act one way in the open and another in private in that way we have no way to control the shift between one action and the others thoughts I have had my own issues over this as well.

Finally I'll spell out what you are doing right, wrong, and where to go from here.

You should stay true to your new self that feels better than your overly emotional one, being a in a BDSM relationship is a healthy way to deal with issues that fog your mind. We are all trying to balance our public life that everyone sees with our private life that is just for us, you need to live your private life in the way that makes you feel the best.

What you are doing wrong is treating this relationship with your master like it's normal and not like the kinky hidden treasure that it is. Stop acting like your Master has to be there in order for you to do anything, your Master is there to show you a deeper part of yourself but you are the one that needs to explore that new area. Do not use the internet as a substitute, going surfing on other sites and finding BDSM fun that turns you on will only draw you away from the connection you and your Master have made. Learn what kind of Sub/Slave you want to be and what kind of Master you have, not all Masters like to use words or whips but if you are a sub that needs to be told what to do or punished physically then you are not going to match each other.

From here on I need you to really think about the fact that you and your master are new to the BDSM world and there are many paths you can take that lead in all kinds of directions. You don't have your own dungeon yet and that's ok just take each session one step at a time and if you need more then talk about it in openly and not when you are about to pop. Lastly and maybe the most important you need to realize that you are the Slave and your Master needs you just as much as you want her, want and need are very close but also different. Wanting some one means you can always have them but right now you have to wait, Needing some one means you are at your limit and can't control what you are willing to do to get them. You might think you are the one in need but as a sub that can't be true, subs get to fantasize and anticipate what they Want to happen to them. Masters are the ones that have to control and command so they Need you to follow their lead and fulfill what they are telling you to do.

I hope this helps and as a S/M myself I know how complicated all of this can be when your new so I'm sorry if I seem harsh but this is all stuff I wish some one said to me.

 

[seela]

Okay, it's early here, so I might have missed something. But have you talked about what it is that you two are doing? Laid out some framework for your relationship?

It might be a good idea to have a conversation and figure out some basic guide lines, such as where your limits lie (for both of you), what your wants, needs and expectations are, where you'd like to see your relationship develop, how often you'd like to get together and so on. It's perfectly okay for you to let your feelings known and give suggestions for things that you'd like to experience. Just because she's the dominant person in your relationship, it doesn't mean she can read your mind.

You write that you're texting her looking for an in to get into the subject somehow. How about instead of trying to somehow segue your way into the topic you simply suggest you two talk about it? Tell her that you've loved what you've done and you'd love to do more of it in the future and ask what her thoughts are. If you know what to expect from your relationship, roughly, it can make dealing with the the situation easier for you.

What you're experiencing sounds like sub frenzy, and it's a pretty common thing especially when you first start making your fantasies into reality or even when you start a new relationship and everything is so bright and shiny again.

I think her suggestion for you to find something else to occupy your time with is good. Do you have any hobbies? How about spending time with your friends? You could start learning something new as well, like cooking for example. I'm sure she'd be happy if you cooked for her, so you doing something to keep yourself occipied could be a win-win for both of you.

 

[SissySalina]

sissy would like to add to the comments, sissy is a sub and not a slave, they are different.
There are a lot of good comments and yes it is confusing when you start especially when you were friends first but that also makes it easier to talk to each other.
You need to communicate to each other, the Dom/sub relationship is a shared relationship and each depends on the other.
Do not be afraid to explore in conversation what each is looking for in this new relationship.
This relationship is not just physical it is also mental.

Sissy will say this next thing in all sincerity, if you want to push the issue you may loose.
Try this simple step: buy a chastity device, put it on and give Her the key. See what happens.

Good luck with your relationship.