Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[werdsmith]

fascinating read, thanks for sharing!

 

[KimGordon67]

fascinating read, thanks for sharing!

'Fascinating' might be over-stating things a little, but thanks. It's been sort of useful to try and write this stuff down, and I've gotten some interesting thoughts in response that have often helped me work stuff out too.

(Tangential trivia - I have a friend who called their cat Mr Anderson.)

 

[werdsmith]

'Fascinating' might be over-stating things a little, but thanks. It's been sort of useful to try and write this stuff down, and I've gotten some interesting thoughts in response that have often helped me work stuff out too.

(Tangential trivia - I have a friend who called their cat Mr Anderson.)

lol...awesome.

 

[KimGordon67]

And everything was fine. We just went back to normal, and I was happy.

Then, one day, I was arguing with my husband about something (we've argued a lot ever since we've been together), and I just blurted out 'AND I think we should see other people!'
If you ever want to make an argument stop in it's tracks, that's apparently a pretty good way of doing it.
He stormed out of the house - I think more because of the overall argument than what I'd just said - and then came back a bit later, calmer. Obviously I just assumed what I said would be forgotten, or refused ... but, well, he said yes. That we maybe should give it go, if it would make me happy. I was a little bit gobsmacked.
But that was beginning of us talking about the whole idea.

So we talked. And talked. I'll admit that I fudged things a bit and didn't immediately admit that I'd already seen someone. I can't remember exactly how all the conversations went ... we discussed bringing in a third sometimes, but that seemed to difficult; we discussed swingers clubs, but we're not really that sort of people; we discussed find another couple, but the likelihood of finding someone we'd actually get on with just seemed to unlikely, so in the end we just settled on what I guess was an 'open marriage' ... except it turns out my husband is really more the monogamous type. We initially settled on a 'I do what I want but don't tell him' agreement, but that failed miserably because it meant I still had to lie, and I explained that wasn't really OK for me. I eased the idea of the BoyFriend into the situation ... again slightly fudging how we actually met, but other than that I was pretty honest about everything, especially once we got to the point that he was (sort of) ok with me just telling him when I was with the BF.
This is not an easy road. He had enough at one point and told me I had to finish things with the BF. Which I did, and the promptly burst into tears. He knows me so well - he just looked me and said 'You're in love with him, aren't you?'. I don't think I even knew that myself at that point ... but eventually he said he couldn't bear seeing me so sad, and that we should just keep on with the open relationship thing. I gradually worked out that polyamory was the technical term for what I was wanting, and I sent him stuff about living with someone who's poly when you're not, and I think that helped. It did, however, take him a long time to work out that me loving someone else didn't mean less love for him. In fact, if anything I loved him more for really trying to do something that would make me happy, and something that's, really, totally outside the norm.
He never wanted to know details of me being with the BF. Gradually, over time, he asked about questions about him, but not about the time we spent together (beyond things like 'did you stay somewhere nice?'). We had one conversation near the beginning of it all where we both said something like 'obviously neither of us will take any stupid risks' and that was all that needed to be said about that.

During this time, all the normal of things of life happened, and my father died, in a particularly messy and difficult way ... and not once did my husband waver in his support or love for me. I can truly say he's the most amazing man I know.

 

[KimGordon67]

So we talked. And talked. I'll admit that I fudged things a bit and didn't immediately admit that I'd already seen someone. I can't remember exactly how all the conversations went ... we discussed bringing in a third sometimes, but that seemed to difficult; we discussed swingers clubs, but we're not really that sort of people; we discussed find another couple, but the likelihood of finding someone we'd actually get on with just seemed to unlikely, so in the end we just settled on what I guess was an 'open marriage' ... except it turns out my husband is really more the monogamous type. We initially settled on a 'I do what I want but don't tell him' agreement, but that failed miserably because it meant I still had to lie, and I explained that wasn't really OK for me. I eased the idea of the BoyFriend into the situation ... again slightly fudging how we actually met, but other than that I was pretty honest about everything, especially once we got to the point that he was (sort of) ok with me just telling him when I was with the BF.
This is not an easy road. He had enough at one point and told me I had to finish things with the BF. Which I did, and the promptly burst into tears. He knows me so well - he just looked me and said 'You're in love with him, aren't you?'. I don't think I even knew that myself at that point ... but eventually he said he couldn't bear seeing me so sad, and that we should just keep on with the open relationship thing. I gradually worked out that polyamory was the technical term for what I was wanting, and I sent him stuff about living with someone who's poly when you're not, and I think that helped. It did, however, take him a long time to work out that me loving someone else didn't mean less love for him. In fact, if anything I loved him more for really trying to do something that would make me happy, and something that's, really, totally outside the norm.
He never wanted to know details of me being with the BF. Gradually, over time, he asked about questions about him, but not about the time we spent together (beyond things like 'did you stay somewhere nice?'). We had one conversation near the beginning of it all where we both said something like 'obviously neither of us will take any stupid risks' and that was all that needed to be said about that.

During this time, all the normal of things of life happened, and my father died, in a particularly messy and difficult way ... and not once did my husband waver in his support or love for me. I can truly say he's the most amazing man I know.

... so we moved into what I guess might be called the 'open' stage of the marriage, or something resembling polyamory. And I discovered some interesting things about, sexually and otherwise.
Most definitely this isn't an easy option, especially if you care about people. I'm sure everyone being completely on board with the situation helps, but the sequence of events that led me to be in this position meant that not everyone was really entirely enthused about the prospect, so I've had take a great deal of care to ensure no one gets hurt. This is especially difficult as it turns out the 'you only love one person at a time' thing is pretty deeply entrenched. But I am utterly clear that I can love more than one person at once. It's not a finite resource or, as I explain to my husband, a pile of rocks ... me give some rocks to someone else doesn't mean they're getting taken off his pile.
But time is, as anything written on the topic makes clear, the killer - love might not be a finite resource, but time is.
And you can't get around how people feel about things. So for the longest time there was an understanding that I wouldn't spend a night with the boyfriend and then come straight home. (I'm in a position where I'm away from home a lot of the time, so this is feasible.) I think being respectful of that sort of thing is the key ... I would never in a million years entertain the idea of having the BF in our home, for example. I've always taken my wedding jewelry, and any other jewelry my husband's given me, off when I'm with the BF. I've always let my husband know when I'm going to be away, and ensured that he's been able to get hold of me if he needs to, and always answered the phone when he's called, no matter what's happening.

These are obviously not the things others would do/not do, but usually you know your SO pretty well. You know what needs to be done to demonstrate that you respect them and care for them ... often these things don't even need thought. A couple of times I've said to my husband 'You know I do/don't do XYZ' and he's said 'Of course - it never even crossed my mind that I needed to mention it'.

 

[KimGordon67]

Is anyone still reading this?

Just be good to know whether it's worth continuing, or if interest just naturally tailed off ...

 

[RustyIron]

Hi Kim
I for one, am still reading, some things I struggle a bit to come to grips with, but that's just me.
I need to think a little about things sometimes, to digest the information.
The worst thing about having an analytical mind I guess.
*sometimes I just shouldn't think*

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim
I for one, am still reading, some things I struggle a bit to come to grips with, but that's just me.
I need to think a little about things sometimes, to digest the information.
The worst thing about having an analytical mind I guess.
*sometimes I just shouldn't think*

Is that because I'm not communicating very clearly?

 

[numeniusa]

I think you have more readers than you might suspect

You write well, Kim, and it’s been a very interesting read. I for one didn’t want to interrupt while you were at the part of the story where you moved ‘into the clear’ with it, as it were. Huge credit to you both for working through it successfully.

I have a couple of questions, if you’re game.

Now you’ve come to the realisation that you’re poly, do you feel inclined to date more widely?

Maybe I missed a bit, but I think you decided not to tell your husband about your online activities? How did you come to that decision?

 

[RustyIron]

Is that because I'm not communicating very clearly?

No Definitely not Kim your fine, it's just me, I overthink things sometimes.
Your doing great it takes a lot of effort to do what you are doing.
Keep up the good work.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think you have more readers than you might suspect

You write well, Kim, and it’s been a very interesting read. I for one didn’t want to interrupt while you were at the part of the story where you moved ‘into the clear’ with it, as it were. Huge credit to you both for working through it successfully.

I have a couple of questions, if you’re game.

Now you’ve come to the realisation that you’re poly, do you feel inclined to date more widely?

Maybe I missed a bit, but I think you decided not to tell your husband about your online activities? How did you come to that decision?

The second question first - yes, I've never mentioned the online stuff to my husband, and I'm really not particularly proud of that. It was, to a large extent, because I sort of slid into it without forethought or real intention. It also started at a time when we were having a few problems in our marriage, because of the lack of sex, so it was hardly the right time to raise the possibility of extra-marital possibilities. I've given a bit of a thought over time, and at this point I've opted to keep that stuff to myself. It's a slightly complex explanation ... it sort of starts with the fact that I'd have to spend a lot of time explaining things for him to 'get it' - as anyone who has online/phone sex knows, people who don't do that sort of thing just look at you as thought you're a bit insane. Also, I guess I don't feel guilty about it, I think because of the lack of physical contact ... and related to that, I was always pretty confident that if he had known about it, he wouldn't have minded so much. I was pretty sure that if he'd found out, we would have stayed married ... but at the same time, he wouldn't have been happy, and I can't see much point in revealing something that'll make him unhappy.
When things moved into a physical context, I did feel guilty. I knew that if he found about that, he'd be devastated. That's why I stopped. It's also the reason I finished things with TG when I realised how emotionally entangled we'd gotten.

This is all pretty weak rationalisation, I know, and in a perfect world he would know. I guess it depends on where you draw the line. Most of us have stuff happening in our lives that our spouses don't know about, not because we're hiding stuff from them, but just because we have our own lives. Then, a lot of people who are using Lit don't tell their spouses about that ... that's in a slightly different ball park, because their spouses probably wouldn't be happy if they knew. What I've been doing online etc is clearly a step above that again ... I guess somewhere in there is where I draw the line.

Again, I'm not particularly proud of all this, but at the same time, I'm confident that none of it detracts from our marriage, and if I feel it is, I finish things. I'm not engaging in this stuff because of a perceived lack in my husband or our marriage.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think you have more readers than you might suspect

You write well, Kim, and it’s been a very interesting read. I for one didn’t want to interrupt while you were at the part of the story where you moved ‘into the clear’ with it, as it were. Huge credit to you both for working through it successfully.

I have a couple of questions, if you’re game.

Now you’ve come to the realisation that you’re poly, do you feel inclined to date more widely?

Maybe I missed a bit, but I think you decided not to tell your husband about your online activities? How did you come to that decision?

In answer to your first question, I've not really had that urge until relatively recently. Things have shifted a bit in the last few months ... more on that later. But, as I'll also explain shortly, the relationship with the boyfriend developed a significant emotional aspect fairly quickly, which made it 'bigger' than a casual thing. I suspect that in poly situations, the 'size' of specific relationships (if that makes) has an impact on how many one might have at any given moment.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Just be good to know whether it's worth continuing, or if interest just naturally tailed off ...

I'm reading! Keep writing!

Thank you for being so open.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm reading! Keep writing!

Thank you for being so open.

 

[KimGordon67]

And then ...

So, having come to an arrangement, if somewhat shakey, with my husband, I then called this guy and said 'hey ... you know how I said we had to stop seeing each other? Guess what!!!' Luckily he was still keen and the next two years of my life really began.

I can't, of course, now remember the exact sequence of events of how the kink evolved. I'm pretty sure the first time after that, we were in a motel and I was doing ... something, and he said 'I really want to smack your arse right now' and I (obviously) turned my head and said 'that would probably be OK'. I don't think anything happened just then, but I guess it was a clear indication that I wouldn't react negatively. I wish I could remember the first time that did happen ... I'm guessing probably the next time we were together. I know it was without warning. And I know I said 'harder'.
I was surprised though. I hadn't realised how good that would feel.
We never do the 'across the knee' thing, and it's never as a 'punishment' for 'misbehaving'. It's always intensely physical - usually there's a lot of body contact, and even if there isn't, it's always his hand. Always. We've talked about the possibility of introducing other things, but it's never happened. It's always my arse (with one exception ... more on that later) - I don't like being hit anywhere else, and especially not the face.
And it's always hard. Really fucking hard. I'm often bruised.
I love the physicality of it. I love the raw, physical feeling. I love how it makes him feel. I love how I can feel for age afterwards. I love the heat in my skin.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think that slowly, over time, the physical aspects started having a more 'control' component woven through them. I'm not a very submissive person ... I never really identify as 'sub' because I just don't think of myself that way, sexually or otherwise. But if the right guy just takes over, it makes my skin quiver. The more time we spent together, the more we were able to get into each others' heads, to create a space that was temporary, but so freaking intense, so that even the small things became so much more.
He slides his hand between my legs and says 'open' ... and even though that's what I'd do anyway, his voice saying that melts me.
He makes me hold his gaze when I'm cumming. Just there. Until I can literally feel my eyes rolling back in my head.
He tells me to be still, while he plays with me. This is almost the hardest thing, not moving when every nerve in my body is wanting to. He slides his fingers into me and tells me how wet I am, but I still can't move. He moves his wet fingers up to my clit - he knows he's making me cum, and I can feel myself shivering, but I still can't move.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

UGH *swoons"

Kim, this is all just marvelous. The experience, and your writing. (You're really good, you know that, right?)

I am more than a little bit jelly, but so enjoying being able to live vicariously through you.

 

[KimGordon67]

UGH *swoons"

Kim, this is all just marvelous. The experience, and your writing. (You're really good, you know that, right?)

I am more than a little bit jelly, but so enjoying being able to live vicariously through you.

Thanks. I don't think I've been entirely successful in conveying the subtlety of that control aspect. It's almost one of those feelings you'd kill through explanation.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think that slowly, over time, the physical aspects started having a more 'control' component woven through them. I'm not a very submissive person ... I never really identify as 'sub' because I just don't think of myself that way, sexually or otherwise. But if the right guy just takes over, it makes my skin quiver. The more time we spent together, the more we were able to get into each others' heads, to create a space that was temporary, but so freaking intense, so that even the small things became so much more.
He slides his hand between my legs and says 'open' ... and even though that's what I'd do anyway, his voice saying that melts me.
He makes me hold his gaze when I'm cumming. Just there. Until I can literally feel my eyes rolling back in my head.
He tells me to be still, while he plays with me. This is almost the hardest thing, not moving when every nerve in my body is wanting to. He slides his fingers into me and tells me how wet I am, but I still can't move. He moves his wet fingers up to my clit - he knows he's making me cum, and I can feel myself shivering, but I still can't move.

The other thing I love about this aspect is that I'm giving him something. He's not a person who's had a an easy life, for various reasons, and people who should have cared him didn't always do so. Without wanting to get all Freudian on it, I think there's something about someone he loves saying 'here, I'm yours', even just for the moments we have together, that gives him ... something. A sense of calm, I think.
Although I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the 'd' side of the d/s equation gets out of it ... if anyone can shed any light on that, please do.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thanks. I don't think I've been entirely successful in conveying the subtlety of that control aspect. It's almost one of those feelings you'd kill through explanation.

I absolutely understand what you're saying here. cookie and I were just talking about it briefly in the Gentle FemDom thread.

 

[KimGordon67]

I absolutely understand what you're saying here. cookie and I were just talking about it briefly in the Gentle FemDom thread.

I sort of figure anyone who's been there would know what I mean.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The other thing I love about this aspect is that I'm giving him something. He's not a person who's had a an easy life, for various reasons, and people who should have cared him didn't always do so. Without wanting to get all Freudian on it, I think there's something about someone he loves saying 'here, I'm yours', even just for the moments we have together, that gives him ... something. A sense of calm, I think.
Although I'm still trying to wrap my head around what the 'd' side of the d/s equation gets out of it ... if anyone can shed any light on that, please do.

You give him things he can't buy in a store. You give him trust, control, creative freedom for starters.

You give him yourself.

 

[KimGordon67]

You give him things he can't buy in a store. You give him trust, control, creative freedom for starters.

You give him yourself.

The trust thing is really interesting ... it's only recently I worked out that I obviously need to be able to trust him, but he has to trust me too, to know when I'm at my limit (which is, of course, a movable feast), and also, sometimes, to give in before he ends up doing something he doesn't really mean ... lol, but more on that later. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The trust thing is really interesting ... it's only recently I worked out that I obviously need to be able to trust him, but he has to trust me too, to know when I'm at my limit (which is, of course, a movable feast), and also, sometimes, to give in before he ends up doing something he doesn't really mean ... lol, but more on that later. I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

As someone who sometimes occupies a dominant headspace, one of my greatest concerns is that in trying to achieve that 'high,' I will go too far. It's a tremendous responsibility, and it weighs heavily on me that I have failed at this, ever.

It sounds like you guys are doing really well sorting this out.

 

[KimGordon67]

As someone who sometimes occupies a dominant headspace, one of my greatest concerns is that in trying to achieve that 'high,' I will go too far. It's a tremendous responsibility, and it weighs heavily on me that I have failed at this, ever.

It sounds like you guys are doing really well sorting this out.

We spend a lot of time talking about stuff. He cares for me a great deal, and we're also really good at reading each other. And we've taken things very, very slowly. I'm lucky that I've found a person and a context that allows for all this.