Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[KimGordon67]

Finally did the test

I think I'm not very surprised by this.

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
98% Rope bunny
82% Non-monogamist
70% Submissive
65% Exhibitionist
58% Experimentalist
55% Vanilla
55% Sadist
54% Primal (Hunter)
53% Primal (Prey)
53% Masochist
50% Voyeur
49% Brat
47% Rigger
42% Daddy/Mommy
39% Master/Mistress
37% Switch
33% Dominant
2% Slave
2% Degradee
1% Boy/Girl
1% Pet
1% Ageplayer
0% Degrader
0% Owner

 

[Mustang Sally]

I was thinking about this last night, and realised there is one drawback that, while not inevitable in either online/phone or 'non-primary' relationships, is fairly common ... that it's difficult to help the other person at times when you might do so for a partner/friend/whatever. There's been a few times when this has happened - I guess the first instance I felt particularly impotent in this respect was when TG had a family member die, and I couldn't be there in anything other than the most useless sense. When family stuff happens, you realise how much on the outer you are in that person's life (and that's cut the other for me too, when things have happened in my family), and the distance means, for me at least, the hug I'd give, or the just sitting with them for a while, or doing something practical like sorting out plane tickets, isn't possible. I guess that's one reason it's best to not get too involved ... although avoiding involvement has its own set of problems.

I have had those same feelings. Nothing overly dramatic has happened during our time together, but he's sometimes expressed being very stressed or once was sick with the flu, and I intensely wish I could be there for him somehow. Once I said, "I wish I could come to you now to take care of you," and he said "And I'd get whoever to leave so that you could," and I felt irrelevant, because of course - he has local lovers who would happily care for him. It's hard for me to stay in the right mindset, that what we have is also valuable - different but not necessarily less than.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

I think I'm not very surprised by this.

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
98% Rope bunny
82% Non-monogamist
70% Submissive
65% Exhibitionist
58% Experimentalist
55% Vanilla
55% Sadist
54% Primal (Hunter)
53% Primal (Prey)
53% Masochist
50% Voyeur
49% Brat
47% Rigger
42% Daddy/Mommy
39% Master/Mistress
37% Switch
33% Dominant
2% Slave
2% Degradee
1% Boy/Girl
1% Pet
1% Ageplayer
0% Degrader
0% Owner

Have you ever ever explored your 55% sadist/53% masochist sides? (just curious)

 

[KimGordon67]

Have you ever ever explored your 55% sadist/53% masochist sides? (just curious)

Ok, I was a little surprised by that. I would say more like 70/30 m/s

 

[KimGordon67]

Ok, I was a little surprised by that. I would say more like 70/30 m/s

Actually, more like 85/15. And the daddy/mommy thing wasn't entirely expected either. The higher and lower scores seem about right though.

 

[KimGordon67]

I was checking my email and the provider handily gave me this information: "You and 'TG' traded 5072 messages between Mar 2015 and Nov 2016"... though the actual exchanges stopped in April, and really we'd 'finished' early December 2015, so it wasn't quite a year. Over 5000 messages across nine months. Even I'm alarmed by that, and I was there. I guess it's not a great surprise that we were obviously a bit over-involved - it just us that long to work it out. But one day I realised that we'd stepped over a line ... actually, more like we'd pole-vaulted a massive freaking wall. So I managed to be an adult and call an end to things ... not a particularly decisive end, mind you - it was some months before we really stopped communicating. I can't speak for him, but for me, it was because I missed him. All the time. It had been 20 years since I'd finished a relationships with someone I really cared for, and it was hard. Really, really hard. But it was the right thing to do ... I only realised after we stopped how much this thing had pervaded my life. I don't regret it, but it wasn't sustainable. But I don't regret it at all. How it all worked is still a mystery to me ... sometimes it's OK to not entirely understand things.

 

[Sweetsweatymango]

Include scat play.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[KimGordon67]

I was checking my email and the provider handily gave me this information: "You and 'TG' traded 5072 messages between Mar 2015 and Nov 2016"... though the actual exchanges stopped in April, and really we'd 'finished' early December 2015, so it wasn't quite a year. Over 5000 messages across nine months. Even I'm alarmed by that, and I was there. I guess it's not a great surprise that we were obviously a bit over-involved - it just us that long to work it out. But one day I realised that we'd stepped over a line ... actually, more like we'd pole-vaulted a massive freaking wall. So I managed to be an adult and call an end to things ... not a particularly decisive end, mind you - it was some months before we really stopped communicating. I can't speak for him, but for me, it was because I missed him. All the time. It had been 20 years since I'd finished a relationships with someone I really cared for, and it was hard. Really, really hard. But it was the right thing to do ... I only realised after we stopped how much this thing had pervaded my life. I don't regret it, but it wasn't sustainable. But I don't regret it at all. How it all worked is still a mystery to me ... sometimes it's OK to not entirely understand things.

A number of things surprised me about that nine months. Things I found out about myself in terms of my interest in the power/control dynamic. How emotionally entangled one can get with someone even in the absence of physical proximity, and how much it can hurt when you have to unentangle yourself, even though they're not 'there'. How much a 'virtual' relationship can spread through your whole life ... I think I've mentioned this elsewhere, but the way in which online contact becomes normalised in the relationship means it's sort of always there. I think that was exacerbated for us by the flexibility we both had in our working and family lives, so there were available spaces for us where there might not be with other people. It was one of the many, many things I loved about this relationship ... but definitely one of the things I wouldn't want to replicate, at least not to that extent. I used the term 'drowning' elsewhere ... but drowning in warm, lush water that feels so good. I guess there's an element of addiction in there somewhere - it's always hard to give up something that feels that good, even when you know it's probably not that good for you.
I still so glad we had that time. But I think it ended when it needed to. I was lucky to find someone I could trust like that, someone I could ... 'connect with' seems so inadequate, but even now I find saying the actual word difficult.

 

[KimGordon67]

Further to the earlier embarrassing story

A hilarious news story you need to read

I posted this in the wrong thread a couple of days ago.
This quote particularly stood out to me: “I began to panic and told him I needed to go the hospital. He said it should come out naturally on the toilet and then he said, ‘I’m really sorry, I have work early in the morning’ and he shot off.”
Who the hell does that?

 

[KimGordon67]

A number of things surprised me about that nine months. Things I found out about myself in terms of my interest in the power/control dynamic. How emotionally entangled one can get with someone even in the absence of physical proximity, and how much it can hurt when you have to unentangle yourself, even though they're not 'there'. How much a 'virtual' relationship can spread through your whole life ... I think I've mentioned this elsewhere, but the way in which online contact becomes normalised in the relationship means it's sort of always there. I think that was exacerbated for us by the flexibility we both had in our working and family lives, so there were available spaces for us where there might not be with other people. It was one of the many, many things I loved about this relationship ... but definitely one of the things I wouldn't want to replicate, at least not to that extent. I used the term 'drowning' elsewhere ... but drowning in warm, lush water that feels so good. I guess there's an element of addiction in there somewhere - it's always hard to give up something that feels that good, even when you know it's probably not that good for you.
I still so glad we had that time. But I think it ended when it needed to. I was lucky to find someone I could trust like that, someone I could ... 'connect with' seems so inadequate, but even now I find saying the actual word difficult.

Ultimately, there's two things I took from all this that I value immensely. (Actually, there's a lot more, but two for the purposes of this thread.)
The first was discovering my ability to genuinely care for more than one person at a time. Obviously that had been sneaking up on me for a while, but with TG, it was the first time I really felt that fully. That I could have two actual relationships simultaneously and not feel conflicted about it. OK, I probably wasn't handling the situation in the best way, but it's all a learning curve.
The second was learning so much about the power/control dynamic. I was so lucky to find someone who felt/thought the same as me about most of that stuff, and who I could trust. Admittedly, as noted above (somewhere ... I think), the online/phone context is a nice safe space to play around with things that might be a little confrontational in RL, but at the same time, if you really do end up committing to it - and I think we did - much of the need for trust is there, even if not in an immediate physical sense. One of the most important things I learnt was that giving control to someone else didn't necessitate giving up anything of myself. LOL - really, Foucault would agree with me - power isn't a null/sum game. And neither is love.

Those were probably the two most important things I took with me, the two things that really informed how I went about things after that.

 

[KimGordon67]

And then ...

One of the things I'd actively avoided was anyone local. Because of where I am, places like Lit and most other similar sites make that easy - almost everyone is from the US or Europe, so I was always safe. This was a totally conscious decision, because I knew if I got involved with someone local online, the temptation to meet in person would be there, and I really wanted to avoid that, in order to maintain the boundary I'd decided made everything 'OK'. I know, I know ... I was really playing with semantics in terms of thinking if there was no physical contact, it wasn't 'really' cheating, but it didn't make me feel guilty, and it didn't impact on my married life, so ... yeah.

I did have a profile on a local dating site that I'd set up years previously for the purposes of trying out a threesome - that never actually eventuated, but I kept the profile. Dating sites are sort of fascinating - the ways in which people 'market' themselves through their profiles was always interesting. I'd log in every six months or so, and lurk for a few days, sometimes have a few conversations with specific people, and then disappear again. At one point, when I was first looking for a couple, a guy had contacted me and there was something about him I liked - although I'd cut off the communication at that point because 'a guy' wasn't what I was looking for, he kept popping into my head at odd moments, so every now and then I'd see if I could find him ... of course, I hadn't kept any of his messages and couldn't remember his screen name, but there were a couple of defining characteristics that meant if he'd read my ad, he'd know I was looking for him. Because this isn't a movie, I never did find him ... but while I was looking, I ended up having a few exchanges with someone else ...

 

[Paul_Chance]

I'd echo a couple of things in relation to virtual affairs. I was surprised at how much you could sincerely connect to someone in the virtual world. I guess I just didn't think it was possible. It was kind of an eye-opening experience for me the first time I did it. The other thing I'd echo I am still sometimes surprised at how there are people online with whom you just have an instant connection – kind of like chemistry in the real world – it is just there.

 

[KimGordon67]

... and much like meeting someone in a bar or similar, the initial exchanges were fairly non-committal ... just general chat about bands, etc. Because of my avoidance of local connections, I was extremely clear from the outset that these exchanges weren't going to 'go anywhere', and he had a girlfriend anyway, so we were both fine about that, and just nattered away about stuff. I think sex was one of the things we talk in a very tangential way (I've deleted most of the early messages now, so can't be sure).
But then one day, I think we'd not been in touch for a day or two, he said (and again, I can't find the actual message unfortunately) he said something like 'it's good to hear from you. don't get a big head, but if we don't talk during the day at some point, I'm a bit out of sorts' ... that's not the word for word, but the 'don't get a big head' bit is definitely a direct quote.
Local guys. 'Charm' isn't really one of their strong points.

One of the things I'd actively avoided was anyone local. Because of where I am, places like Lit and most other similar sites make that easy - almost everyone is from the US or Europe, so I was always safe. This was a totally conscious decision, because I knew if I got involved with someone local online, the temptation to meet in person would be there, and I really wanted to avoid that, in order to maintain the boundary I'd decided made everything 'OK'. I know, I know ... I was really playing with semantics in terms of thinking if there was no physical contact, it wasn't 'really' cheating, but it didn't make me feel guilty, and it didn't impact on my married life, so ... yeah.

I did have a profile on a local dating site that I'd set up years previously for the purposes of trying out a threesome - that never actually eventuated, but I kept the profile. Dating sites are sort of fascinating - the ways in which people 'market' themselves through their profiles was always interesting. I'd log in every six months or so, and lurk for a few days, sometimes have a few conversations with specific people, and then disappear again. At one point, when I was first looking for a couple, a guy had contacted me and there was something about him I liked - although I'd cut off the communication at that point because 'a guy' wasn't what I was looking for, he kept popping into my head at odd moments, so every now and then I'd see if I could find him ... of course, I hadn't kept any of his messages and couldn't remember his screen name, but there were a couple of defining characteristics that meant if he'd read my ad, he'd know I was looking for him. Because this isn't a movie, I never did find him ... but while I was looking, I ended up having a few exchanges with someone else ...

 

[lakesailer_mi]

A hilarious news story you need to read

I posted this in the wrong thread a couple of days ago.
This quote particularly stood out to me: “I began to panic and told him I needed to go the hospital. He said it should come out naturally on the toilet and then he said, ‘I’m really sorry, I have work early in the morning’ and he shot off.”
Who the hell does that?

I read this. Thanks for posting.

I have a question. Aren't toys like that designed to prevent that problem? The T-handle at the base. How does that get past the sphincter? (I'm not really familiar with them, unfortunately, so I don't really know).

I agree with you that partner needs to do a little growing up. She's 20, he's probably about that age. She's obviously more mature than him.

 

[KimGordon67]

I read this. Thanks for posting.

I have a question. Aren't toys like that designed to prevent that problem? The T-handle at the base. How does that get past the sphincter? (I'm not really familiar with them, unfortunately, so I don't really know).

I agree with you that partner needs to do a little growing up. She's 20, he's probably about that age. She's obviously more mature than him.

If you look at the picture of the one I had a similar problem with, it's curved and smooth and glass, so it (obviously) pretty easily just slid right the way in, with the help of probably way more lube than was necessary.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

If you look at the picture of the one I had a similar problem with, it's curved and smooth and glass, so it (obviously) pretty easily just slid right the way in, with the help of probably way more lube than was necessary.

That's right, but your's doesn't have that T shape at the bottom, right?
The one she used did.
I guess with enough lube and um...enthusiasm? Anything can happen.

It's a good warning, and it's important if you do lose one, get to the ER.

My SIL is an ER doc. OK, we've had some good laughs about the things people get stuck up their rectum. But, it's a serious thing. And very dangerous.

 

[KimGordon67]

That's right, but your's doesn't have that T shape at the bottom, right?
The one she used did.
I guess with enough lube and um...enthusiasm? Anything can happen.

It's a good warning, and it's important if you do lose one, get to the ER.

My SIL is an ER doc. OK, we've had some good laughs about the things people get stuck up their rectum. But, it's a serious thing. And very dangerous.

There's an awesome episode of the latest season of Master of None, where the main character's father collects objects he's fished out of people's bums.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

There's an awesome episode of the latest season of Master of None, where the main character's father collects objects he's fished out of people's bums.

LMAO, that's sounds hilarious!

 

[KimGordon67]

LMAO, that's sounds hilarious!

He's an older Indian gastro doctor, so the accent adds a layer of humour as well.

But yes, not much fun when you're the person it's actually happening to. Probably one of the more panicked moments of my life.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

He's an older Indian gastro doctor, so the accent adds a layer of humour as well.

But yes, not much fun when you're the person it's actually happening to. Probably one of the more panicked moments of my life.

I can only imagine. I think it's doubly upsetting since you're likely going from "ecstasy" to "agony" pretty quickly I would imagine. And the surprise and embarrassment are not minor.

 

[KimGordon67]

I can only imagine. I think it's doubly upsetting since you're likely going from "ecstasy" to "agony" pretty quickly I would imagine. And the surprise and embarrassment are not minor.

Actually, it didn't hurt at all. I was just scared that I'd never be able to get it out again.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Actually, it didn't hurt at all. I was just scared that I'd never be able to get it out again.

Yeah, I'll bet.

 

[KimGordon67]

So while the local guys are not well endowed with charm, they do mean what they say and say what they mean. So that was probably the point at which I knew I needed to make an actual decision about whether we going to move things on a bit or not.
Around this time things finished with his girlfriend (long story, not particularly relevant), so our online contact amped up a bit.
And that was interesting ... he'd never done anything cyber/phone related, and was pretty sceptical about the whole idea, but after while we sort of segued into messaging of a fairly sexual nature that really slid in actual cyber at some point. And then one night I asked for his phone number ... we were in the middle of some fairly intense chat, and I decided that was the moment ... I somehow find it easier to have a first phone contact with someone while I'm in the middle of something like that - it just seems to easier to shift from a keyboard to a phone while something's in train. I guess it gets over the awkwardness of first talking with someone.
And in spite of the scepticism, he took to it like a duck to water, and with great enthusiasm.

... and much like meeting someone in a bar or similar, the initial exchanges were fairly non-committal ... just general chat about bands, etc. Because of my avoidance of local connections, I was extremely clear from the outset that these exchanges weren't going to 'go anywhere', and he had a girlfriend anyway, so we were both fine about that, and just nattered away about stuff. I think sex was one of the things we talk in a very tangential way (I've deleted most of the early messages now, so can't be sure).
But then one day, I think we'd not been in touch for a day or two, he said (and again, I can't find the actual message unfortunately) he said something like 'it's good to hear from you. don't get a big head, but if we don't talk during the day at some point, I'm a bit out of sorts' ... that's not the word for word, but the 'don't get a big head' bit is definitely a direct quote.
Local guys. 'Charm' isn't really one of their strong points.

 

[KimGordon67]

One of the things I did like about him (and there were lots of things) was I knew nothing would shock him. It's not like I've had a particularly depraved live, but the more recent developments might have put a few people off. But he'd been round the block a few times, and there was always more danger that I was going to be a bit too tame for him.

So while the local guys are not well endowed with charm, they do mean what they say and say what they mean. So that was probably the point at which I knew I needed to make an actual decision about whether we going to move things on a bit or not.
Around this time things finished with his girlfriend (long story, not particularly relevant), so our online contact amped up a bit.
And that was interesting ... he'd never done anything cyber/phone related, and was pretty sceptical about the whole idea, but after while we sort of segued into messaging of a fairly sexual nature that really slid in actual cyber at some point. And then one night I asked for his phone number ... we were in the middle of some fairly intense chat, and I decided that was the moment ... I somehow find it easier to have a first phone contact with someone while I'm in the middle of something like that - it just seems to easier to shift from a keyboard to a phone while something's in train. I guess it gets over the awkwardness of first talking with someone.
And in spite of the scepticism, he took to it like a duck to water, and with great enthusiasm.