Some poly, some kink, some other stuff ...

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[KimGordon67]

My gosh! Your line "and feel his voice sliding over me. It was dark and quiet and warm, and there was just him" sounds so amazing! (I literally giggled with excitement lol)

Thanks Racy ... it's been interesting trying to put into words the feelings, especially given my memory has faded a little ... although not too much. I guess I managed to at least partially convey what it was like ...

 

[KimGordon67]

My wife literally has a map on our dining room wall where she has highlighted potential driving routes and put sticky notes with destinations for our upcoming vacation. I prefer to work in terms of a general framework. I think the same applies to labels, including sexually. I enjoy flexibility, and really can do just about anything, but I know where I'm trying to go and try not to go in the wrong direction.

Sometimes I am a little bit fond of a plan ... just so long as it's understood as guidelines, not rules, and so long as everyone remembers that no plan survives contact with the enemy.

 

[pplwatching]

.....

 

[RacyWilde]

This pops up occasionally in many different contexts. There are a lot of people who are simply inflexible, but many also have a vested interest in 'protecting' (for lack of a better word) their definition. Anything that challenges their perceptions of what <pick a subject> is/means isn't open to discussion or debate, because discussing it and conceding even one point challenges their sense of personal identity. Unfortunately it turns a potentially vibrant and colorful experience into something drably black and white.

I whole-heartedly agree with this!

 

[KimGordon67]

Rubber bands ...

... another useful mechanism for inducing pain under direction. And they're in your stationery cupboard! (The bedside drawer had an odd collection of things in it for a while there.)

 

[KimGordon67]

I was thinking about this last night, and realised there is one drawback that, while not inevitable in either online/phone or 'non-primary' relationships, is fairly common ... that it's difficult to help the other person at times when you might do so for a partner/friend/whatever. There's been a few times when this has happened - I guess the first instance I felt particularly impotent in this respect was when TG had a family member die, and I couldn't be there in anything other than the most useless sense. When family stuff happens, you realise how much on the outer you are in that person's life (and that's cut the other for me too, when things have happened in my family), and the distance means, for me at least, the hug I'd give, or the just sitting with them for a while, or doing something practical like sorting out plane tickets, isn't possible. I guess that's one reason it's best to not get too involved ... although avoiding involvement has its own set of problems.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I was thinking about this last night, and realised there is one drawback that, while not inevitable in either online/phone or 'non-primary' relationships, is fairly common ... that it's difficult to help the other person at times when you might do so for a partner/friend/whatever. There's been a few times when this has happened - I guess the first instance I felt particularly impotent in this respect was when TG had a family member die, and I couldn't be there in anything other than the most useless sense. When family stuff happens, you realise how much on the outer you are in that person's life (and that's cut the other for me too, when things have happened in my family), and the distance means, for me at least, the hug I'd give, or the just sitting with them for a while, or doing something practical like sorting out plane tickets, isn't possible. I guess that's one reason it's best to not get too involved ... although avoiding involvement has its own set of problems.

Weird. I was just thinking about this the other day as well. I had a lot of trouble juggling the range of emotions I felt in an online relationship. And I was considering what would have happened if an unexpected turn of events such as an illness or death in the family had a major or long term impact on my partners life. I would have felt terrible they were going through something difficult. I would have wanted to be of some comfort, but would probably have felt useless as you described. I would have also feared that I was more 'in the way' than helpful. And even worse, I would have selfishly worried how it might affect our relationship...then I would have felt guilty and bad for that. Then it would have just spiraled out of control from there. I wouldn't have had any idea what to do. Scary thoughts. It was already hard to separate it from RL, but when RL collides like that, what do you do? It would definitely be a difficult challenge to work through.

 

[KimGordon67]

Weird. I was just thinking about this the other day as well. I had a lot of trouble juggling the range of emotions I felt in an online relationship. And I was considering what would have happened if an unexpected turn of events such as an illness or death in the family had a major or long term impact on my partners life. I would have felt terrible they were going through something difficult. I would have wanted to be of some comfort, but would probably have felt useless as you described. I would have also feared that I was more 'in the way' than helpful. And even worse, I would have selfishly worried how it might affect our relationship...then I would have felt guilty and bad for that. Then it would have just spiraled out of control from there. I wouldn't have had any idea what to do. Scary thoughts. It was already hard to separate it from RL, but when RL collides like that, what do you do? It would definitely be a difficult challenge to work through.

It is tricky, and I guess the specifics of how these things are coped with vary depending on individual circumstance. If you're both married, it makes things complex ... and then it's a different sort of complex if only one of you are. Recently the BF ended up in hospital overnight, and my immediate reaction was to want to go there and look after him ... but of course, my family and my 'real' life thought otherwise. I think if one was really living in a proper poly context (which I don't think I am), it would be different, although the distance obviously still makes things difficult - but that's only miles.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It is tricky, and I guess the specifics of how these things are coped with vary depending on individual circumstance. If you're both married, it makes things complex ... and then it's a different sort of complex if only one of you are. Recently the BF ended up in hospital overnight, and my immediate reaction was to want to go there and look after him ... but of course, my family and my 'real' life thought otherwise. I think if one was really living in a proper poly context (which I don't think I am), it would be different, although the distance obviously still makes things difficult - but that's only miles.

There certainly are many complexities in such a relationship. Short term emergencies or situations would be hard enough to navigate, but a long term circumstance would probably alter the relationship in a more permanent way. Of course, the same can be said for any kind of relationship, online,part-time, or primary. Just relationships in general are complex sometimes. Hope it was nothing major with the bf and that all is well now.

 

[KimGordon67]

There certainly are many complexities in such a relationship. Short term emergencies or situations would be hard enough to navigate, but a long term circumstance would probably alter the relationship in a more permanent way. Of course, the same can be said for any kind of relationship, online,part-time, or primary. Just relationships in general are complex sometimes. Hope it was nothing major with the bf and that all is well now.

It is true that all relationships are complex ... it's just a new range of issues to navigate. The plus side of the cyber/phone thing is that at least you don't have to get pissed with them about their toothpaste cap habits, or deal with the snoring.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It is true that all relationships are complex ... it's just a new range of issues to navigate. The plus side of the cyber/phone thing is that at least you don't have to get pissed with them about their toothpaste cap habits, or deal with the snoring.

LOL...leaving the cap off the toothpaste is a huge pet peeve of mine. Or putting it on messy with toothpaste caked around the rim. I want my toothpaste to look brand new every time I use it! Is that so much to ask?

There are all kinds of trade offs between online and RL. Good idea to focus on the positives!

 

[mark_j]

LOL...leaving the cap off the toothpaste is a huge pet peeve of mine. Or putting it on messy with toothpaste caked around the rim. I want my toothpaste to look brand new every time I use it! Is that so much to ask?

There are all kinds of trade offs between online and RL. Good idea to focus on the positives!

Aside from the gunk around the cap, I simply cannot handle folks who refuse to squeeze the tube from the bottom and flatten it as you go up.

Drives me batshit insane....

 

[RacyWilde]

I was thinking about this last night, and realised there is one drawback that, while not inevitable in either online/phone or 'non-primary' relationships, is fairly common ... that it's difficult to help the other person at times when you might do so for a partner/friend/whatever. There's been a few times when this has happened - I guess the first instance I felt particularly impotent in this respect was when TG had a family member die, and I couldn't be there in anything other than the most useless sense. When family stuff happens, you realise how much on the outer you are in that person's life (and that's cut the other for me too, when things have happened in my family), and the distance means, for me at least, the hug I'd give, or the just sitting with them for a while, or doing something practical like sorting out plane tickets, isn't possible. I guess that's one reason it's best to not get too involved ... although avoiding involvement has its own set of problems.

Yes... I've experienced this too. Many times actually. Accidents, family deaths, bad health... I don't deal with marital problems too well... in such, sometimes it is better you leave them alone... or even end it. I was building a relationship with a married guy online who was in an open relationship (his wife encouraged him to play). We were planning to meet and then decide where we wanted to go from there... As it turned out, his life was in a complete mess and he was dealing with marriage issues. He had completely hidden it from me (though, I'm not a curious girl, especially when it comes to other people's marriages).

One day I found out all his problems all at once - he finally needed to tell me. I guess before that I made him scared to tell me because I really don't like getting involved with people whose lives are out of control/messed up - I don't want to be dragged into such things and I don't think it is fair to be. But it was crunch time for him - his wife had actually left him because of me (jealousy) and wouldn't return unless he cut off all ties to me. I was gobsmacked! I had NO idea of any of this. (If I did I would have cut off much earlier - but he knew that, I guess.)

At that very moment, I knew it was the end. I had no intension of being his life partner, only a life lover... He was young and needed his wife more than me. (Even though I knew in my gut they wouldn't last, I believed he needed to choose her... at least to learn a valuable life lesson.) I made him say goodbye... It always makes them own it, empowers them... makes it forever. Giving him up really hurt. It's easier when you have yourself to blame, but when it's not your fault... I find it much harder.

Now, I've made it a rule never to get involved with anyone that doesn't have their shit together - their life or their head. It is the logical choice and even though my heart may fall for someone, I need to preserve myself. Yes, I have a responsibility to myself first to have sane and healthy relationships, but I also have a responsibility to my other lovers. If I get caught up in someone else's mess, they are affected too simply because they love me.

 

[IslandStyle_44]

LOL...leaving the cap off the toothpaste is a huge pet peeve of mine. Or putting it on messy with toothpaste caked around the rim. I want my toothpaste to look brand new every time I use it! Is that so much to ask?

There are all kinds of trade offs between online and RL. Good idea to focus on the positives!

IamS - absolutely not too much to ask. Here's a simple fix: separate tubes. Fortunately, my SO is not one to leave caps off nor cake paste in the threads. It's just easier and accounts for changes in taste, etc. Too decadent? I don't think so. We have separate sinks with a tub in between. I got tired of walking back and forth. 1st world problems, I know. Still, one less issue to find disagreement with. It's the simple things...

 

[KimGordon67]

IamS - absolutely not too much to ask. Here's a simple fix: separate tubes. Fortunately, my SO is not one to leave caps off nor cake paste in the threads. It's just easier and accounts for changes in taste, etc. Too decadent? I don't think so. We have separate sinks with a tub in between. I got tired of walking back and forth. 1st world problems, I know. Still, one less issue to find disagreement with. It's the simple things...

THAT'S the first thing you thought of when someone said 'toothpaste'?

 

[RuneBlade]

Now, I've made it a rule never to get involved with anyone that doesn't have their shit together - their life or their head. It is the logical choice and even though my heart may fall for someone, I need to preserve myself. Yes, I have a responsibility to myself first to have sane and healthy relationships, but I also have a responsibility to my other lovers. If I get caught up in someone else's mess, they are affected too simply because they love me.

Can you help me figure out how to do this? Haha. I have had two long relationships in person, they averaged 5 years. I've had many online relationships of one type or another​ in my time. When I sit back and look at it all, I tend to be more emotionally fulfilled when I find an online lover, and less happy overall in a physical relationship.

My in person sample size is rather small, but I need to do better here. So while online is more fulfilling when I find the right one, it brings aches of its own.

Where's the happy medium for me? Fuck if I know. From reading your bio, it certainly seems you're on the right path. Dating is hard in the reals.

 

[RuneBlade]

THAT'S the first thing you thought of when someone said 'toothpaste'?

Hah. Hey, he solved his problem! Credit where credit is due and all that.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hah. Hey, he solved his problem! Credit where credit is due and all that.

He knows what I mean.

 

[IslandStyle_44]

It's easier when you have yourself to blame, but when it's not your fault... I find it much harder.... It is the logical choice and even though my heart may fall for someone, I need to preserve myself. Yes, I have a responsibility to myself...

Emotional attachment, in varying degrees, enhances and heightens the connection/sex whereas a lack of it makes virtual boring, for me at least. I have a recollection of this realization (for us), but that's another topic. Anyhow, when things end, it's never easy. At the end of the day, you must protect yourself even when it's the hardest, which is when it's not your fault (worse yet, anyone's fault).

Kim's intimated our ending and perhaps she may choose to expound at some point. Her self-preservation was very much the reason. She called us doomed from the start. She makes me laugh when I see that as she has a knack for expressiveness (ex: her bitch on wheels comment...). She stated she was drowning and she was right. We both were. No one's fault which made our five-month long "ending" hard on us both. I forgot how bad as time has passed until I read an old PM between us last week where we expressed a lot of it to each other. This was month 3 after initial break. After we finally finished, I left Lit (other reasons outside of Lit and K) and haven't been back until I heard about this post from someone who knew of us. Who knew this thread would reconnect but it had. I was seriously hoping for a FFS when I mentioned reading with popcorn in hand. It would've been perfect. She played in carefully. So calculating, she is . (K, be nice with the eye roll).

(Doomed and drowning were previously shared so I feel comfortable mentioning).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since you enjoyed her description of my waking her in the mornings, I'll add my response here. Waking her was perhaps one of my favorite and frustrating things to do with K. I was hours into my day. I'm alert. I'm likely in need for that which she could only supply in my life at the time. Having her very first word of the day was exquisite. It was all mine and frankly, so was she in that moment. Her moan-y good mornings would make my blood boil as I'd want to attack. She'd stretch and just be like warm putty in my hands. Hence the problem...take what I need or .... Sometimes, I just didn't have the heart**. Furthermore, I'd just as much want to slide in slowly and enjoy the slowness and warmth of a wake-up. Then there were times when I didn't have self control.

**Labels: saw this posted a few days ago here and another thread. When I eventually shared my dominant tendencies to K, her red flags went off everywhere. It was almost funny. Remember, she's expressive (nearly transparent when it's a topic of high value/interest to her). Anyhow, I'm not a fan of the typical PYL/pyl. It just doesn't work for me. I know what I am and don't need to be reminded of it with words, names/labels or gorean body positions for my benefit etc. That works for a lot of people, just not me.

I sensed that she might find some value and interest, but never pushed the issue. We had other reasons to connect as she's previously mentioned. Frankly, I wasn't worried as we'd liked each other on a number of other levels (she previously mentioned our music connection). Let's just say, I didn't need to google Kim Gordon to know what K might be like. Anyhow, she's shared enough of our dynamic to know how it all turned out.

Re: heart (the initial reason behind **). Her and my personalities in bed flowed like water. We would effortlessly slide in/out of roles we both needed. This where the above commentary of labels has context. In those mornings, either I held back or determined we needed something different. It was a lot like how we did everything in bed. I usually went with whatever I felt like we both needed with little pre-determination. Pushing boundaries is not easy at early-morning awakenings. There was also high-value in a slower approach as well. Never regretted either way. That might rile more hard-line dominants. I could give a shit.

 

[KimGordon67]

xxx

QUOTE=IslandStyle_44;85787026]Emotional attachment, in varying degrees, enhances and heightens the connection/sex whereas a lack of it makes virtual boring, for me at least. I have a recollection of this realization (for us), but that's another topic. Anyhow, when things end, it's never easy. At the end of the day, you must protect yourself even when it's the hardest, which is when it's not your fault (worse yet, anyone's fault).

Kim's intimated our ending and perhaps she may choose to expound at some point. Her self-preservation was very much the reason. She called us doomed from the start. She makes me laugh when I see that as she has a knack for expressiveness (ex: her bitch on wheels comment...). She stated she was drowning and she was right. We both were. No one's fault which made our five-month long "ending" hard on us both. I forgot how bad as time has passed until I read an old PM between us last week where we expressed a lot of it to each other. This was month 3 after initial break. After we finally finished, I left Lit (other reasons outside of Lit and K) and haven't been back until I heard about this post from someone who knew of us. Who knew this thread would reconnect but it had. I was seriously hoping for a FFS when I mentioned reading with popcorn in hand. It would've been perfect. She played in carefully. So calculating, she is . (K, be nice with the eye roll).

(Doomed and drowning were previously shared so I feel comfortable mentioning).

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since you enjoyed her description of my waking her in the mornings, I'll add my response here. Waking her was perhaps one of my favorite and frustrating things to do with K. I was hours into my day. I'm alert. I'm likely in need for that which she could only supply in my life at the time. Having her very first word of the day was exquisite. It was all mine and frankly, so was she in that moment. Her moan-y good mornings would make my blood boil as I'd want to attack. She'd stretch and just be like warm putty in my hands. Hence the problem...take what I need or .... Sometimes, I just didn't have the heart**. Furthermore, I'd just as much want to slide in slowly and enjoy the slowness and warmth of a wake-up. Then there were times when I didn't have self control.

**Labels: saw this posted a few days ago here and another thread. When I eventually shared my dominant tendencies to K, her red flags went off everywhere. It was almost funny. Remember, she's expressive (nearly transparent when it's a topic of high value/interest to her). Anyhow, I'm not a fan of the typical PYL/pyl. It just doesn't work for me. I know what I am and don't need to be reminded of it with words, names/labels or gorean body positions for my benefit etc. That works for a lot of people, just not me.

I sensed that she might find some value and interest, but never pushed the issue. We had other reasons to connect as she's previously mentioned. Frankly, I wasn't worried as we'd liked each other on a number of other levels (she previously mentioned our music connection). Let's just say, I didn't need to google Kim Gordon to know what K might be like. Anyhow, she's shared enough of our dynamic to know how it all turned out.

Re: heart (the initial reason behind **). Her and my personalities in bed flowed like water. We would effortlessly slide in/out of roles we both needed. This where the above commentary of labels has context. In those mornings, either I held back or determined we needed something different. It was a lot like how we did everything in bed. I usually went with whatever I felt like we both needed with little pre-determination. Pushing boundaries is not easy at early-morning awakenings. There was also high-value in a slower approach as well. Never regretted either way. That might rile more hard-line dominants. I could give a shit.[/QUOTE]

 

[RuneBlade]

He knows what I mean.

Oh. I hadn't read the rest of the thread, so had no idea what I was poking my finger into.

*Backs away slowly, remembering to smile politely and making mental notes to read the damn thread next time*

 

[KimGordon67]

Oh. I hadn't read the rest of the thread, so had no idea what I was poking my finger into.

*Backs away slowly, remembering to smile politely and making mental notes to read the damn thread next time*

Lol - if you back up 50 posts or so you'll find the toothpaste story.

 

[RuneBlade]

Lol - if you back up 50 posts or so you'll find the toothpaste story.

This whole thread is an interesting read. Admittedly, at first visit on this late page, I was slightly horrified by the casual sharing of intimate details about another person.

But after having read some posts, I think it's sweet and entertaining. It satisfies my voyuer side. In all honesty, combining these experiences and stories as you've both done here would make a great book that I think people would purchase. Food for thought.

 

[KimGordon67]

I know what you mean, but I am really careful about what I say - my rule with this, as with any writing I do that involves other people, is 'how would I feel about the person concerned reading this'. For that reason, there's one or two very significant people missing from this account. And rest assured, now I have the opportunity to check directly with people concerned, I am doing that.

I can't see there being enough to maintain anyone's attention through a whole book though. I think this medium works extremely well - I like the interactive aspect

This whole thread is an interesting read. Admittedly, at first visit on this late page, I was slightly horrified by the casual sharing of intimate details about another person.

But after having read some posts, I think it's sweet and entertaining. It satisfies my voyuer side. In all honesty, combining these experiences and stories as you've both done here would make a great book that I think people would purchase. Food for thought.