Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[ToPleaseHim]

I think you are being incredible strong. Well done.

Agreed.

 

[Farawyn]

This experience matches mine. My first dominant partner was through Lit, and he is the "him" in my username. We still love each other, but it's a friendly, caring way - wanting life updates and staying in touch occasionally, but not as romantic partners.

I did have another D partner from this site for a couple of years, and it seemed to be ending well, as well as things can end. But that changed and we are no longer even friends.

Neither of these were online only, as we met in person a few times, but they were primarily online and it can be every bit as real as real life. The joys and the hurts go just as deep.



On the subject of my name...I was thinking about asking Laurel about changing it. It no longer makes sense to me. I have been dwelling on something like GingerSnap.

That would actually suit you.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

This experience matches mine. My first dominant partner was through Lit, and he is the "him" in my username. We still love each other, but it's a friendly, caring way - wanting life updates and staying in touch occasionally, but not as romantic partners.

On the subject of my name...I was thinking about asking Laurel about changing it. It no longer makes sense to me. I have been dwelling on something like GingerSnap.

I think its nice that you are still friends with 'Him'. But if you feel your username is no longer appropriate then I would change it. GingerSnap is a good one!

 

[SilverBass]

Iams, you said to keep posting so I am , but I have thought about it all day and have been wary too because it feels insensitive. However, I keep feeling it's right and that you will understand that I have thought that it might be and appreciate that I have not posted with a lack of concern.



Someone submitted 'What then?' when you have decided a relationship online is veritable and honest and online only 'what then'

And the conversation didn't tackle it.

And I thought about it and thought about it. In real life you might hope s relationship might progress to living together, maybe marriage, and/ or family , depending on your age . I think I saw a percentage of my peers who followed this route in traditional route, particularly but not exclusively those of us who do not have kids ( for what ever reason) also say 'now what? '
I think you also see it in dating where everything is going fine but the now what answer is , wash repeat.

This made me pause to reflect that inmy marriage the 'now what' is more of the same, new discussion, new adventure, new learning together. But the now what is what there is now. And it's ENOUGH. In poly relationships the 'now what' often is less still. I know my lover and I will not ever cohabit for example, the now what is what we have now, give or take a little.

Now, that I get anything in a frame of functional relationship with these wonderful people seems good, if sometimes not enough.
If online were what I had chosen, why would it be different ? Is the now what not still, what you have now?

Interesting concept and well thought out. While I agree with you in one sense, on another, it can get to the point where "now what?" Is just not adequate to the needs of one or both in the relationship. This is actually one of, if not THE main reasons couples split up. Either they realize they are not right for each other, OR one or both are not satisfied with the "right now", and if that is as far as it can go, might as well cut it off to free yourself to find another "now what" that gets farther down the relationship trail to the point of being mutually satisfying. Iams and her partner, if I read it right, came up to a wall in which they could not climb, with each being on opposite sides. Far enough away from that wall they could not see it. But as approaching and finally reaching that wall, they realized it was just too tall and could not be climbed. Very unfortunate.

With that said, I find it completely understandable why someone would retreat from that wall, take some time, and then look for another partner on his or her side where there is no fear of encountering such a impenetrable wall again.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

That would actually suit you.

oooh!
Can I change mine to Grumpy Ol' Bitty?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Iams, you said to keep posting so I am...

Someone submitted 'What then?' when you have decided a relationship online is veritable and honest and online only 'what then'

And the conversation didn't tackle it.

And I thought about it and thought about it. In real life you might hope s relationship might progress to living together, maybe marriage, and/ or family , depending on your age . I think I saw a percentage of my peers who followed this route in traditional route, particularly but not exclusively those of us who do not have kids ( for what ever reason) also say 'now what? '
I think you also see it in dating where everything is going fine but the now what answer is , wash repeat.

This made me pause to reflect that inmy marriage the 'now what' is more of the same, new discussion, new adventure, new learning together. But the now what is what there is now. And it's ENOUGH. In poly relationships the 'now what' often is less still. I know my lover and I will not ever cohabit for example, the now what is what we have now, give or take a little.

Now, that I get anything in a frame of functional relationship with these wonderful people seems good, if sometimes not enough.
If online were what I had chosen, why would it be different ? Is the now what not still, what you have now?

I'm glad that you decided to post. It's not insensitive at all...I honestly meant it when I said I wanted people to continue to post.

I think the "what now?" probably is universal to all relationships. Some people have a want for things to progress to the next level. And others are content with what they already have. I think it's easier to not worry about what's next if you're already at the place where you want to be in the relationship...which makes sense.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Nzerxx]

Hi Just wanted to say Thanks

To IAS for starting this thread and all posters who shared their thoughts and added to the conversation.

As someone who is very much a newbie and never saw herself ending up here. It is such a relief to find some sensible conversation on this topic and realise all that I am feeling is to be expected. Just to read that alone make me feel so much better

This is the most intense experience and at times I have questioned my own thoughts in terms of wanting daily contact and worrying if that didn't happen. From a very independent woman that has been a challenge to handle

My DD is wonderful to me though and I have never been happier. Will it morph to RL? i doubt it Do I want it to? i don't know For now this is where its at and that's ok. I have gained confidence in myself and that I can never repay

Thanks again

 

[Iamsubmissive]

This is the most intense experience and at times I have questioned my own thoughts in terms of wanting daily contact and worrying if that didn't happen. From a very independent woman that has been a challenge to handle

That right there is one of the main reasons I started this thread...I thought I was going crazy or something was wrong with me. But now I've heard a lot of people describe it that way. And it was nice to hear from a few Doms that it isn't just one sided sometimes.

Intense experience, strong emotions, occasional doubt, irrational - or rational worries, immense happiness, and a struggle to understand/handle it...scary but wonderful! (Someone else pointed out to me that "sub frenzy" could also contribute to all that, which I think probably is a factor for subs experiencing this for the first time.)

But I'm glad you are enjoying it and have gained some confidence. It's surprising how much you can discover about yourself through this!

Thanks for joining in!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Nzerxx]

May I ask how those of you who speak of this normally love?

Since I met my husband I have learned to love differently. Lots of these feelings of intensity are present. And a big difference to be is vulnerability I have been made to feel safe with him, and a lover since. It's a theme I explore in my time here. I wonder if the online speed through of niceties to core matters of excitement, passion, arousal and vulnerability, fear, etc, Mirrors what I feel with my husband in a more intense distilled sort of way? It's unbroken by minor annoyances over laundry or washing up caused by EACH OTHER but rather heightened by the intensity of 'events against flourishing in other form' distance, lives of whatever keeps it online only?

So rather that getting say, stretchmarks if growth, it can rupture if it swells too quickly unrecognised, uncountered?


I mean, wanting to speak each day to someone you love seems, not so heinous to me. But, I mentioned earlier, that if it were an issue then consistency of boundaries knowing that you had. Some days you would not be able to might be easier than looking at a phone screen?


I know I sort of prefer to have contact daily but I am good with days off, if they are planned or routine.

For me I will always want daily contact and in RL that seems so much easier. Chances are you can do coffee or phone up. But online throws up time zones and seperate lives issues are much more pronounced

The newness and intensity of feelings when I never expected to be here is overwhelming but exciting too and when offered a day to think over what I wanted the answer was instantly clear. I didn't need or want 24 hrs to decide

That doesnt stop me from wondering what he is doing now

Lol I'm not sure this post even makes sense

 

[Nzerxx]

That right there is one of the main reasons I started this thread...I thought I was going crazy or something was wrong with me. But now I've heard a lot of people describe it that way. And it was nice to hear from a few Doms that it isn't just one sided sometimes.

Intense experience, strong emotions, occasional doubt, irrational - or rational worries, immense happiness, and a struggle to understand/handle it...scary but wonderful! (Someone else pointed out to me that "sub frenzy" could also contribute to all that, which I think probably is a factor for subs experiencing this for the first time.)

You just described it better then I could all of that is me! When I first read about sub frenzy I thought there was no way I'd be like that. Well....

How long will it last for me your guess is as good as mine. It's exhausting but yet I think I'll miss it. See yet another contradiction I don't understand.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

May I ask how those of you who speak of this normally love?

Since I met my husband I have learned to love differently. Lots of these feelings of intensity are present. And a big difference to be is vulnerability I have been made to feel safe with him, and a lover since. It's a theme I explore in my time here. I wonder if the online speed through of niceties to core matters of excitement, passion, arousal and vulnerability, fear, etc, Mirrors what I feel with my husband in a more intense distilled sort of way? It's unbroken by minor annoyances over laundry or washing up caused by EACH OTHER but rather heightened by the intensity of 'events against flourishing in other form' distance, lives of whatever keeps it online only?

So rather that getting say, stretchmarks if growth, it can rupture if it swells too quickly unrecognised, uncountered?


I mean, wanting to speak each day to someone you love seems, not so heinous to me. But, I mentioned earlier, that if it were an issue then consistency of boundaries knowing that you had. Some days you would not be able to might be easier than looking at a phone screen?


I know I sort of prefer to have contact daily but I am good with days off, if they are planned or routine.

Those are good questions, although I'm not really sure what comparisons you're trying to make. I think there is such a contrast in online only and RL, many things are different.

Online there are so many unknowns that filter through your mind. RL it's easy to figure out the answers to your questions just by experiencing things first hand. You don't have to ask or guess.

Online you're lacking the physical presence so all you really have is email, text, phone, maybe video. It's intermittent, sometimes unpredictable, and limited. In RL when you spend time together, you're actually 'together'. Short or long amounts of time are usually enough to satisfy you. Online you're missing that one element, so it kind of leaves you always wanting more.

Online you sometimes have to wait and wonder about reactions in between communication, which can cause stress, anxiousness, or doubt. Generally in RL actions and reactions are basically instantaneous. Even if issues aren't dealt with right away, you pretty much know where you stand at any given point.

Online you know the purpose of your communications are to get to know each other, gain trust, form a bond...and since time might be limited you open up faster, maybe share more than you would on a second or third RL date. In RL you tend to let things happen naturally...don't rush into anything and let things build up and progress at a normal pace, your expectations are more realistic.

For the above reasons, I think feelings can develop faster online. But also because online can have a bit of a fantasy element to it...a little mystery, and maybe highlights the good stuff. In RL you have to factor in all the nonattractive things...responsibilities, mundane day to day stuff, pet peeves, and maybe financial issues. One of those is more appealing. And one of those is more realistic. (The same thing can be said for different types of RL relationships too. Just dating is a lot different than living together. Being married might be even more different for some.)

It's easy to get swept up in the newness and excitement of any relationship, RL or online. But it's easier to stay grounded in RL, in my opinion. There are a lot of differences and types of relationships, and probably a lot of different opinions about this. So, not really one simple example, but those are some of the things I've encountered and that other people have shared with me as well.

 

[Nzerxx]

Those are good questions, although I'm not really sure what comparisons you're trying to make. I think there is such a contrast in online only and RL, many things are different.

Online there are so many unknowns that filter through your mind. RL it's easy to figure out the answers to your questions just by experiencing things first hand. You don't have to ask or guess.

Online you're lacking the physical presence so all you really have is email, text, phone, maybe video. It's intermittent, sometimes unpredictable, and limited. In RL when you spend time together, you're actually 'together'. Short or long amounts of time are usually enough to satisfy you. Online you're missing that one element, so it kind of leaves you always wanting more.

Online you sometimes have to wait and wonder about reactions in between communication, which can cause stress, anxiousness, or doubt. Generally in RL actions and reactions are basically instantaneous. Even if issues aren't dealt with right away, you pretty much know where you stand at any given point.

Online you know the purpose of your communications are to get to know each other, gain trust, form a bond...and since time might be limited you open up faster, maybe share more than you would on a second or third RL date. In RL you tend to let things happen naturally...don't rush into anything and let things build up and progress at a normal pace, your expectations are more realistic.

For the above reasons, I think feelings can develop faster online. But also because online can have a bit of a fantasy element to it...a little mystery, and maybe highlights the good stuff. In RL you have to factor in all the nonattractive things...responsibilities, mundane day to day stuff, pet peeves, and maybe financial issues. One of those is more appealing. And one of those is more realistic. (The same thing can be said for different types of RL relationships too. Just dating is a lot different than living together. Being married might be even more different for some.)

It's easy to get swept up in the newness and excitement of any relationship, RL or online. But it's easier to stay grounded in RL, in my opinion. There are a lot of differences and types of relationships, and probably a lot of different opinions about this. So, not really one simple example, but those are some of the things I've encountered and that other people have shared with me as well.

Agree 100%

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

iams, I am not trying to draw a comparison. Merely to explore the subject and learn.

However I don't agree all relationship types are entirely unique; in fact the opposite is something that strikes me over and over again. Differences of course, important ones, but entirely different? No. For a start, what ever relationship I have been in I HAVE been a common factor, my issues and strengths have been in all of them. That's no small influence on them .

I must have misunderstood. I thought you were trying to find some common denominators in different relationships. That, to me, is hard to do because I kinda do feel like they are all unique.

I understand what you are saying about YOU being a common factor in all of your relationships. And that does make sense that the influence of that would be similar throughout. But, in all of my relationships it's not entirely true...

Yes, I bring all the parts of me into half of the relationship, and they bring all their parts into the other half. The uniqueness begins with how those two halves mix together. Different partners have amplified some of my weaknesses or some of my strengths. Others have absorbed certain fears and lessened them. Maybe their brightness changed my outlook on something. Or they brought out some undiscovered trait I have. Looking back on each of these relationships, they were distinctly different. Also, even though I'm essentially still me...I have grown, learned, evolved and changed with each new experience. So my next relationship might have some of the same components, it will also encompass new parts of "me".

I realize not everyone feels the same as I do. And I absolutely would not proclaim to be an expert on anything! These are just things I have learned through my experiences.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[TheSilverLining]

I'm obviously very late to this party but it's made for interesting reading. Thankyou for the thread Iams and I'm sorry that things have now ended.

How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?

Once upon a time I met a man online in some seedy chatroom where I found myself accidentally one night (no sniggering in the back). This was back in the day before I really had much knowledge about kink or my submissive side. He called himself "Sir" or something along those predictable lines. It was my own curiosity more than anything that spurred the conversation between us initially. If we skip forward a few years it's fair to assume that at some point along the line I had that lighbulb moment where suddenly things seem to fit easily into into place.

I'm not sure how trust was built, but I know it didn't happen in an instant. How do you build trust in any relationship? It takes time. Communication. Honesty. I can't remember when it happened, but it certainly crept in.

How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?

I'm not an overly physical person in my day to day life. I don't need human contact or hugs or physical affection from my friends - it makes me uncomfortable and would be detrimental to my relationships. I'm odd, I know.
However, the lack of physical connection and human contact in this sort of situation is difficult. If there's a good coping mechanism to deal with the longing then I've not found it. I suppose it always helped knowing that I wasn't alone in feeling that way, but it's still sucky.

Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?

Yes.

Did you get bored? Or fall in love?

Can you fall in love in an exclusively online relationship? That debate has been done to death here on multiple occasions so I'm going to avoid it. I'll answer "neither".

How long did it last? Why did it end?

Years.
It ended lots of times. Not so frequently but it happened more than once. I suppose it was the "what now?" question.

What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

Things that worked I suppose would be the usual things that you'd find in any long-distance relationship. Finding ways to communicate - text/email/phone/Skype. Pictures and videos. More open communication than I think I'm capable of IRL (the benefits of being able to hide behind a screen really help me with letting some of my barriers down). Silly things like watching tv/films together with the Skype on so that you can still have discussion in real time.

In terms of fears - the "what now" discussion. Plus a constant worry that I'd never be enough. That he'd created some sort of fictional version of me and that the actual real-life me would never be able to compete. I like to pretend that i'm indifferent a lot of the time... there's a lot of vulnerability in admitting that I'm smitten. And that's scary.

 

[TheSilverLining]

And the first person from lit I spoke to first started exchanging voice messages with me, much less scary than initial dialogue . We did this for a while like leaving voice mail until I was excited to speak in real time. I can imagine this working well for an online relationship too, especially with shy people or people in different time zones

This is a wonderful idea - I'm pinching it for use elsewhere. Thanks, Elle.

The strictly online says to me that one or both are married or in a relationship.
That also adds to the drama and emotion.
Am I wrong?

This is usually my first instinct, too. However, I've done this before. Been the one keeping it all strictly online and stuff. And I've never been married or in a relationship at the time.

But god devil's advocate sake, if it is a STRICTLY on line relationship, as OP presents...does image/ looks/ photo reality matter?

I'd like to say that looks don't matter at all. Not in terms of the relationship. If I've connected with someone online then it tends to be more about the personality and character than anything else. In that sense, the physical appearance doesn't matter.
However, if someone chose to share images and photos with me, that I later learned were fake or inaccurate in some way, then that does matter. Someone who falsely represents themselves like that is not a person that I'd want to be having a friendship/relationship with. It's the trust issue that matters, not the physicality of it.

For me photos/voice/video play a big role. If he tells me he cant't send me any of the mentioned, I automatically assume he is the following:

1. Unattractive
2. Too old or young
3. Married

So my next thought is NEXT even if he tells me he is a movie star.

I openly admit to having done this. Which I'm aware is completely ridiculous.
Having said that, with no motives on my part other than finding folk to talk to online, I have no issues with people assuming I'm actually a married, elderly man.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

*snip*

In terms of fears - the "what now" discussion. Plus a constant worry that I'd never be enough. That he'd created some sort of fictional version of me and that the actual real-life me would never be able to compete. I like to pretend that i'm indifferent a lot of the time... there's a lot of vulnerability in admitting that I'm smitten. And that's scary.

bingo..

 

[Primalex]

RL it's easy to figure out the answers to your questions just by experiencing things first hand. You don't have to ask or guess.
[..]
Generally in RL actions and reactions are basically instantaneous. Even if issues aren't dealt with right away, you pretty much know where you stand at any given point.
[..]
In RL [..] your expectations are more realistic.

Hm.

Considering how many real life couples have communication issues in one way or the other and how many real life relationships break, it seems that the statements I quoted likely suffer from some form of glorification.

 

[Ed27R]

[/QUOTE]
In terms of fears - the "what now" discussion. Plus a constant worry that I'd never be enough. That he'd created some sort of fictional version of me and that the actual real-life me would never be able to compete. I like to pretend that i'm indifferent a lot of the time... there's a lot of vulnerability in admitting that I'm smitten. And that's scary.[/QUOTE]

I have rather enjoyed reading this thread. It has reminded me of some of my worst moments, some my fault and some not, online but also many others that were some of my best.

I will admit the above comment rings very close to home for me. So much of a strictly online relationship exists inside your head that is often very unsatiating. While it can be incredibly satisfying - there is just something about an online relationship that can leave you feeling unsatiated. My guess has always been that in your mind there is no end or physical boundary to absence - so you just feel it so much more intensely.

 

[SilverBass]

Hm.

Considering how many real life couples have communication issues in one way or the other and how many real life relationships break, it seems that the statements I quoted likely suffer from some form of glorification.

It appears as if you are not understanding the gist of her post. She is not saying that real life couples don't have communication issues, but rather those which they have are right in front of them and easy to see. If there is a problem and one of them walks away or quits speaking, you know it right then and there. If someone raises their voice you know it right then and there. If someone cowers or cries you know it right then and there. If someone becomes abusive physically or emotionally you know it right then and there. If someone becomes irrational or exaggerates you know it right then and right there. Real life is in real time. While their will always be some mysteries in RL couples, the mysteries are much fewer than in a couple that have never met. Not counting secrets and that kind of thing, but rather day to day living. Bad habits can only be hidden for so long in the real world while all kinds of bad habits are quite easy to hide with a couple who has never met. Facts are harder to verify, faces are harder to read, and then the whole non verbal communication thing.

Granted people can talk on the phone or video and that is in real time, but the lack of physicality still presents all kinds of barriers that RL couples do not have.