Advice on expanding D/s roles

[SalvDali]

So the topic has come up of us expanding D/s into more of our life. We are thinking its best to gradually make the transition assuming that is possible. It is going to be fun because her parents live REALLY close and are here all the time... they would definitely not understand lol.

Curious how others have made the transition?


We are thinking start with things she needs to improve, like diet and exercise schedule. Seemed most logical to me at least. We are going to discuss it more this weekend so I was looking for some experienced opinions.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I've never transitioned into an actual 24/7 thing, but sometimes our playtime extended to full weekends or even a vacation week. And there were some elements or rituals that took place daily.
I think the speed at which you make changes differs for each couple. Some people are ready to plunge right into their new dynamic and are happy that way. Others take it gradually. It's whatever works for you and your partner. I will say that serving in a subtle way in front of others so it didn't draw a lot of attention or raise questions did add a lot of excitement for us. So, that can be fun. Having her parents close by can force you to be a bit creative...but a lot of fun! Good luck and enjoy it!

 

[HisArpy]

You have to be careful and pay attention to what is going on outside your relationship as you push the boundary.

Some things can get you a reputation that can possibly impact your job or friendships/family and can possibly invite outside scrutiny into your private lives because you are opening up your private selves to it. Once that happens, it's impossible, or nearly impossible, to stop because you invited it.

On top of that, the mental aspect for either of you could be really really challenging as the control position becomes more entrenched in daily activities - how controlling are you willing to be? How much under your control is your partner willing to be? In public where everyone can see you? On a full-time daily basis? You will have to be really subtle about what you're doing and how you're doing it. Both of you.

Then there's the what happens if the /s fails in those duties imposed? How do you punish someone for not losing weight if that was the task required to be performed as an extension of your example? Should you even go there? What does the /s do when the D/ is ill or absent for long periods of time?

Lots to think about. It's do-able because lots of people have done it. But you have to think about everything. Every little thing.

 

[SalvDali]

You have to be careful and pay attention to what is going on outside your relationship as you push the boundary.

Some things can get you a reputation that can possibly impact your job or friendships/family and can possibly invite outside scrutiny into your private lives because you are opening up your private selves to it. Once that happens, it's impossible, or nearly impossible, to stop because you invited it.

On top of that, the mental aspect for either of you could be really really challenging as the control position becomes more entrenched in daily activities - how controlling are you willing to be? How much under your control is your partner willing to be? In public where everyone can see you? On a full-time daily basis? You will have to be really subtle about what you're doing and how you're doing it. Both of you.

Then there's the what happens if the /s fails in those duties imposed? How do you punish someone for not losing weight if that was the task required to be performed as an extension of your example? Should you even go there? What does the /s do when the D/ is ill or absent for long periods of time?

Lots to think about. It's do-able because lots of people have done it. But you have to think about everything. Every little thing.

I am definitely concerned about "Judgement" from outside. It was hard enough for me to show my wife this side of me, luckily it excites her.

As far as diet and exercise are concerned, I do not have an issue with her weight (though she does) , My concerns are with some of her food decisions and the fact that exercising was what she chose to give up when her job started demanding more of her time. I would never be willing to set goals like "Lose X amount of weight". That is out of my comfort zone. I am willing however to take away the bag of chips and hand her a bowl of carrots or fruit. As far as punishments, is something we would really have to discuss. There has to be something but it is not something I like to put much thought into at this point.

You are right, there are sooooo many things to consider. That is why we will be discussing this in depth before we proceed.

Thank you for your input

 

[subkitty643]

I have to put up a big red flag on the diet and exercise aspect. Speaking as a woman, society tells me all over the place that my shape and size aren't good enough and it absolutely fuck with your head. If she's overweight already, and knows you have a problem with it, adding that to the Ds dynamic could create very serious emotional and relationship damage.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I have to put up a big red flag on the diet and exercise aspect. Speaking as a woman, society tells me all over the place that my shape and size aren't good enough and it absolutely fuck with your head. If she's overweight already, and knows you have a problem with it, adding that to the Ds dynamic could create very serious emotional and relationship damage.

The OP already stated that he doesn't have a problem with her weight but she does. I agree that this area can be difficult and should be handled carefully so it doesn't cause emotional distress. If she wants to incorporate this into their D/s structure to provide the extra incentive she needs, then it can be helpful...but punishments for this should be very minimal, IMO.

 

[subkitty643]

The OP already stated that he doesn't have a problem with her weight but she does. I agree that this area can be difficult and should be handled carefully so it doesn't cause emotional distress. If she wants to incorporate this into their D/s structure to provide the extra incentive she needs, then it can be helpful...but punishments for this should be very minimal, IMO.

Agreed - sorry OP I misread that.

 

[HisArpy]

I am definitely concerned about "Judgement" from outside. It was hard enough for me to show my wife this side of me, luckily it excites her.

As far as diet and exercise are concerned, I do not have an issue with her weight (though she does) , My concerns are with some of her food decisions and the fact that exercising was what she chose to give up when her job started demanding more of her time. I would never be willing to set goals like "Lose X amount of weight". That is out of my comfort zone. I am willing however to take away the bag of chips and hand her a bowl of carrots or fruit. As far as punishments, is something we would really have to discuss. There has to be something but it is not something I like to put much thought into at this point.

You are right, there are sooooo many things to consider. That is why we will be discussing this in depth before we proceed.

Thank you for your input

The isn't really part of the D/s routine. I mean, it could be depending on the dynamics of your relationship and how it works, but it's not really.

Rather, you shouldn't be allowing the chips and junk food to come home. That's what I meant by being subtle. It's a small change than no one should notice. And, if they did it's easily covered by just saying you're "eating healthier now". Stuff like that.

Junk food can be used as a reward for being good. And then only so much of a reward - one of those half slices of pie for example to reward exceptional behavior. But NEVER buy junk food and keep it in the house and say "no touch except when I reward you with it". That's cruel.

It really does take a lot of thought. And, it's a lot of work. A LOT more than you think it is.

 

[Nezhul]

The best way you can go about is each of you make a list of things that turn you on - take a few days, surf the net, write it on paper.
Then compare your lists, decide what you want to work towards. And just do it.

Be aware that things like diets / schedules and stuff may sound exciting but in reality may feel like a dull routine that isn't really sexual. You probably want to avoid such things, but to each their own.

 

[cookiecat]

Go in to this together (which it sounds like you are). Make your lists of D/s stuff that can be incorporated in to day to day life. If she brings up the weight/eating healthier, great. That happens in non D/s relationships, too.

I see the issue as centering all the "projects" around her lack of... we'll fix her eating habits, diet, exercise. As you say, things she needs to improve. After a while, I'd feel like a hot mess. Always being fixed. That's a fine line. I liked my husband's hand in my day to day stuff but I had to be careful - he had to be careful - that it wasn't always my deficincies that had the spotlight.

What does her submission to you look like? Does she enjoy being in service to you? Setting aside what she likes in order to please you? Ensuring your pleasure comes before hers? Or is it more utilitarian? She needs help with getting to the gym so that's what you'll help her with?

For us, the changes were small but people did notice. For example, I never wear jewelry (other than wedding band). He bought me a bracelet that was his version of a collar. He knew I didn't like jewelry but still wanted something symbolic I wore daily that connected me to him other than wedding ring. It makes him feel good I got over my jewelry aversion and wear this to please him.

We became more affectionate. His hand was always around his waist. Opening doors. I had a hand on his thigh. I learned to be a better listener and let him take the lead when it came to where we'd eat, what we'd do. That sounds so patronizing as I type this - but I didn't feel that way at the time.

I did a lot more "what do you need? What can I get you" than I did before. I made him my first priority, not work, not family or friends. Sometimes our relationship got lost in the hectic pace of our lives. Some of this feels so common sense. But when we discussed what we wanted the D/s part of the day to day look like, we had to flip our routine to make that time for each other. Especially when we were around other people. What small things could we do to reflect our commitment to this "lifestyle." It felt connecting and like we were really working on finding a way to please each other.

Sometimes the sex / sexual tension got set aside because of day to day sh*t. Work, family, deadlines, money, I have nothing to wear! So he started doing daily things - small things - to make sure we weren't losing that. Texting me to take a picture of my mouth and send to him - the mouth that was going to worship him later. I felt totally goofy doing it but did it and then got riled up thinking about it.

He knew I hated him to pick out my clothes but once in a while he would, just to tell me it made him happy and he'd help me get dressed. So instead of running around like a chicken, hoping I'd get out the door on time, he spent a few extra minutes sliding on my panties, putting on my bra and maybe kissing me here and there. Pulling up the skirt he picked out that I hadn't worn in a million years - feeling his hands on my waist. Watching him button up the blouse. It was ten minutes of feeling his. Nothing overtly sexual. Small stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I AM a hot mess. I'm always looking for lost keys, a missing shoe, where's that skirt I wanted to wear? It's insane. Fortunately, he was the kind of guy who got a hard on pushing a plug up my butt as I looked under the bed for all the lone shoes and spent the next 30 minutes organizing my closet. But I'm not a hot mess in everything and we struggled for a while because his list of fun things to do to "make me better" was a mile long. Hey! I think I have a few awesome things you love, right??!!

Having your hand in her day to day things can be really great. It sounds like you guys communicate effectively and avoiding the "let's fix you" feeling would be easy for you. I'd look at other areas that incorporate changes from both of you so it's not always her behaviors under scrutiny.

Hope this helps.

 

[Farawyn]

Sal, great topic, and cookie, I love your reply!
I agree on the weight thing.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

... he spent a few extra minutes sliding on my panties, putting on my bra and maybe kissing me here and there. Pulling up the skirt he picked out that I hadn't worn in a million years - feeling his hands on my waist. Watching him button up the blouse. It was ten minutes of feeling his...

This is just lovely.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SalvDali]

Cookie,

Thank you for sharing. It is nice to hear the similar experiences that someone has already had before we dive in.


Well, we are off for a morning family hike.

Thank you all for the input so far.