Can female domination addiction/fetishes be overcome?

[PaxNurgle]

I was just wondering- and this is a bit of a confession so bear with me; I don't want to seem out of line.

I have a craving for female domination and BDSM, and I am turned on by certain fetishes (golden showers, forced bi/cuckolding) that most people find repugnant- Even on this site, which has a reputation for being non-judgemental, these things tend to be regarded as comparable to bestiality, or something REALLY pathological and criminal, in terms of acceptability (and thankfully I at least haven't sunk to THAT level of depravity).

This has caused me much embarrassment and shame. Luckily, none of my close friends and associates know about this- I cannot talk about it obviously.

But I feel my normal male sexual desires have been corrupted and I don't like that. Even without friends, family, etc knowing I have these thoughts- it is embarrassing, upsetting, and it has caused me loneliness and heartache. So, can this be overcome, or am I condemned to loneliness and/or being regarded as a dirty pervert, even by open minded people? I am really overcome with guilt and remorse over these feelings; they can be so overpowering.

 

[Luna2121]

I was just wondering- and this is a bit of a confession so bear with me; I don't want to seem out of line.

I have a craving for female domination and BDSM, and I am turned on by certain fetishes (golden showers, forced bi/cuckolding) that most people find repugnant- Even on this site, which has a reputation for being non-judgemental, these things tend to be regarded as comparable to bestiality, or something REALLY pathological and criminal, in terms of acceptability (and thankfully I at least haven't sunk to THAT level of depravity).

This has caused me much embarrassment and shame. Luckily, none of my close friends and associates know about this- I cannot talk about it obviously.

But I feel my normal male sexual desires have been corrupted and I don't like that. Even without friends, family, etc knowing I have these thoughts- it is embarrassing, upsetting, and it has caused me loneliness and heartache. So, can this be overcome, or am I condemned to loneliness and/or being regarded as a dirty pervert, even by open minded people? I am really overcome with guilt and remorse over these feelings; they can be so overpowering.

At the end of the day to each their own. Just because what revs your engine isn't what revs mine doesn't make you a pervert. I'm into pain for an example spanking biting flogging and some of my fantasies get fairly intense it doesn't make me a pervert it's a part of who I am. I'm not saying I'd broadcast it in a conversation with someone who is vanilla but I'm not ashamed of it either. My best advice don't let what others think about your sex life influence you so long as it's between consenting adults and everyone has fun then just be happy as you are the only one who suffers if you repress who you are is you

 

[twister947]

I don't find any of your fetishes all that extreme...certainly not repugnant. As for your question, I can only guess that porn played a role in getting you to this point and feeding your desires. Removing that influence is an obvious first step.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

But I feel my normal male sexual desires have been corrupted and I don't like that. Even without friends, family, etc knowing I have these thoughts- it is embarrassing, upsetting, and it has caused me loneliness and heartache. So, can this be overcome, or am I condemned to loneliness and/or being regarded as a dirty pervert, even by open minded people? I am really overcome with guilt and remorse over these feelings; they can be so overpowering.

I don't really see anything wrong with your desires...why do you feel like you've been corrupted? Are these feelings the result of something you've been exposed to? Are they just fantasies or have you acted on this? How long have you had these desires? Are you in a relationship where you're hiding these things from your partner?

You shouldn't feel guilty for the way you feel. Maybe you just haven't come to terms with it yet. It's normal for someone to feel confused when they begin to discover that their urges are different from most people. Doesn't make you a bad person though.

There's no harm in fantasizing. How much further you want to take it is up to you. Maybe don't just jump right in to your hard core fantasies...take it slow, baby steps. Only move forward when you are completely comfortable. Or don't move forward at all. Either way, I don't think it means you will be condemned to loneliness. Not at all. The right person might be just around the corner, even if they don't share your fetishes they might understand and respect your desires. Don't put yourself down over it.

 

[MistressMoira]

It is unlikely that fetishes/fantasies/desires can be overcome.

They are part and parcel of who we are.

You may want to do some reflection on your personal story and where you get your shame from.

I suggest that you spend some time writing/drawing your personal sexual journey from birth to present. Identify where you acquired your shame. Identify where you acquired your fetishes and fantasies. Sit with those thoughts and revelations (not everything will be identifiable).

Decide how you want to proceed. Self-acceptance? A desire to be different?

If you feel that these things are overwhelming for you, you may be a candidate for therapy. Consider working with a therapist who specialises in this sort of counselling.

Good luck.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It is unlikely that fetishes/fantasies/desires can be overcome.

They are part and parcel of who we are.

You may want to do some reflection on your personal story and where you get your shame from.

I suggest that you spend some time writing/drawing your personal sexual journey from birth to present. Identify where you acquired your shame. Identify where you acquired your fetishes and fantasies. Sit with those thoughts and revelations (not everything will be identifiable).

Decide how you want to proceed. Self-acceptance? A desire to be different?

If you feel that these things are overwhelming for you, you may be a candidate for therapy. Consider working with a therapist who specialises in this sort of counselling.

Good luck.

That's exactly what I was trying to say, but you said it much better!

 

[Nezhul]

To answer your question, no, I don't think such fetishes will ever go away. You can suppress them just like you can suppress almost any other desire. You can live your whole life doing that.

But really, why would you want to? The things you mention are not that extreme. You can't really expect any girlfriend to be a match for you, but that's the case with any fetishes or BDSM stuff. Vanilla people are not the match for our desires.

What you do is find yourself a kinky woman. There are places to do that. And then you take care of her, love her, respect her needs and wants before your kinks, and live happily ever after.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

And then you take care of her, love her, respect her needs and wants before your kinks, and live happily ever after.

I love that line of thinking!

Also, I would like to add that everyone wants to be accepted, but you have to start out by accepting yourself. It sounds as though that's really where your struggles are. Stop worrying how others will perceive you and work on a little more self discovery before you decide what's best for you.

 

[cookiecat]

Where on this site do you see pee play and cuck stuff is looked at as pathological and criminal? I don't even see any posts about cuckolding at all. It's pretty much celebrated over in the Fetish and Sex forum.

Just a couple of pee play threads where a few folks had positive things to say.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=643653&highlight=golden+showers&page=14

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=872797&highlight=golden+showers

Cuck fun:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=950573&highlight=cuckold

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1365432&highlight=cuckold


I feel shame toward a ton of my desires because good girls don't do that stuff (being peed on/in is one of them).

That being said, for me, half the fun *is* feeling shameful, facing the fear of that shame, overcoming (<---kind of a pun) it at the hand of someone else and in the end, enjoying that I have some pretty fun, weird desires tucked away in my "good girl" heart.

The fact someone else enjoys discovering those desires and twisting them in wicked ways is pretty nifty. Sounds like you need to find a person who embraces your desires and helps you come to some sort of enjoyment because of them.

It's not easy to overcome those feelings, but they sound self-imposed. Hope you find a way to wrestle the demons and instead, enjoy them. Unless you don't want to????

PS -- none of my friends know my sexual desires. I don't know about theirs. Even if you had more "acceptable" desires - would you be discussing??

 

[hooterbif]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but it might be useful to consider your question more generally, such as:

I feel like I need X in order to get off sexually - is that ok?

Well, for starters, I guess you could examine the repercussions of your sexual preferences. It sounds like there are some negative outcomes in your case. Can you literally list them, stare at them to see how scary they are? Can you maintain your preferences while minimizing the negative outcomes? At what point is the trade off worth it for you?

 

[yukonnights]

All good and positive comments so far. As cookiecat said above, humiliation/shame is very often a large part of the erotic thrill we get from kink. Perhaps quietly sit back and think about how the humiliation/shame fulfills or fuels your sexual satisfaction. I think both cuckold and water-sports have humiliation/shame as a foundation of the thrill for most.

So, I would encourage you to look at that "shame". Whatever the source, be it societal norms being breached, religious , or whatever...try to contemplate whether your fantasies really do any harm to anyone. If these are religious concerns, that's another issue too deep to discuss in this brief format...but again; if you are bringing no harm to anyone, perhaps these can be resolved too.

The next step, from fantasy to reality, also needs the same kind of analysis; Are my actions hurting anyone?

Like I said, all good comments so far, I hope some of them give you the insight and answer that helps.

 

[Primalex]

am I condemned to loneliness and/or being regarded as a dirty pervert, even by open minded people?

Yes.​

 

[MeekMe]

I was just wondering- and this is a bit of a confession so bear with me; I don't want to seem out of line.

I have a craving for female domination and BDSM, and I am turned on by certain fetishes (golden showers, forced bi/cuckolding) that most people find repugnant- Even on this site, which has a reputation for being non-judgemental, these things tend to be regarded as comparable to bestiality, or something REALLY pathological and criminal, in terms of acceptability (and thankfully I at least haven't sunk to THAT level of depravity).

I've not seen this, you'll have to give some examples.

This has caused me much embarrassment and shame. Luckily, none of my close friends and associates know about this- I cannot talk about it obviously.

Why should you? Friends and associates really don't need to know how you get off.

But I feel my normal male sexual desires have been corrupted and I don't like that. Even without friends, family, etc knowing I have these thoughts- it is embarrassing, upsetting, and it has caused me loneliness and heartache.

I've seen your other posts, you want someone (a HOT woman) to tell you to do the things you think you shouldn't do. AKA for you to suck another dudes dick.

So, can this be overcome, or am I condemned to loneliness and/or being regarded as a dirty pervert, even by open minded people? I am really overcome with guilt and remorse over these feelings; they can be so overpowering.

What other people think (even here on Lit) doesn't matter. You have to come to terms with your own desires and be ok with them. You say you'd totally suck a dick if there was a hot woman to "force" you to do it. Examine that part. Why do you need to be forced to do something you think you'd like to do?

Listen, there are tons of people that would gladly gargle piss every night, so I don't think this is the problem. The board (and elsewhere) is FULL of men wanting a woman to do things to them.

Think about why you want to be forced to do things and come to terms with that. There are a lot of bi/bi-curious/gay people that do not feel shame for what they want even though society has been very unkind to them. There's literally an entire network of people interested in female led relationships/bi-sexuality/watersports, so you can join in and have fun or try to suppress it and feel sorry for yourself.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Where on this site do you see pee play and cuck stuff is looked at as pathological and criminal? I don't even see any posts about cuckolding at all. It's pretty much celebrated over in the Fetish and Sex forum.

I think OP is talking about his experiences on the story side of the site, which can be rather less broadminded than some of the forums. There are some obsessive types who seem to patrol the New Stories section looking to trash anything with cuckoldry, rather than just not reading it.

 

[YoungToy]

I'm not sure, but if you find a cure please let me know. I don't even watch porn anymore, but I would love to rid my head of Femdom.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I got interested in female domination a long time ago, and it's a long story as to how- lets just say once I learned about it, it really turned me on and it stimulated all kinds of dark desires I never knew I had. I don't spend a lot of time watching porn btw.

But here is the thing. It seems like the consensus is, male dom/female sub is generally considered acceptable, female dom/male sub is not. Or, it is a lot less acceptable than the male dom/female sub.

The reason I care is, I don't want to be a pervert. I really don't. And yes, I DO care what other people think of me. For a long time I believed that "oh, it's just a kink, alternative sexuality, or whatever, it's healthy and okay" but it seems like a lot of people think female domination fantasies are some pathological condition only slightly less repugnant than pedophilia- and I never want to be lumped in with that.

I think MeekMe, really ALL of you- you do have some good advice, and I thank you- but I just don't think I can really come to terms with this. Ultimately I want the same thing as many- to love, be loved, and be accepted. I want to find someone whose needs I can take care of- and I really hope these "deviant" feelings I have will never get in the way of that. I also really don't ever want to judge what people are into.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Ok, so bear with me while I suggest a couple of things...

First, I think you need to find some type of support group for people into femdom. I know you don't want to be lumped into that category, but the fact is you ARE in that category in some way. It may be only curiosity, uncontrolled urges, experimental, or more advanced but you will find that there are many others in the same boat as you. Those are the people who can relate to what you are going through and may have more helpful advice to share. This site is probably not the place to find that, even though there are some 'accepting' people here. I would search for a place that is primarily dedicated to femdom.

Secondly, you seem to be struggling with and resisting this. You said you do not watch a lot of porn. So, this might sound stupid but I think you should 'overexpose' yourself for a bit. It's kind of along the lines of 'extreme therapy'. Maybe even just take one entire day, free yourself from any other obligations, and saturate yourself with femdom stuff. Watch a ton of porn, google for information to read, peruse femdom websites...pictures, stories, videos...take it all in. This could have two affects: Desensitize you, or pique your interest more. (We'll deal with those later, this is still an important step)

Third, face your fantasies. A lot of times we are turned on by things we consider taboo. Also, sometimes fantasy doesn't always match up to reality. Now I certainly wouldn't suggest you run out and partake in some fetish with a stranger. But you could do the next closest thing and have someone do an online session with you. Or a simulated experience on your own. Someone suggested a site called Milovana.com to me for an unrelated topic, but I found that they have a lot of femdom stuff and 'webteases' that would sufficiently simulate this experience. Try that out. You might find that it is actually unappealing to you. That being said, you should prepare yourself for a lot of mixed emotions. (That's where step 1, support group, comes in handy.)

Fourth, seek professional therapy. I will tell you that a good therapist will not try to convince you that your feelings are 'wrong'. They will only try to help you uncover 'why' you feel the way you do and help you 'manage' those feelings. People do not get 'cured' by a therapist. They only receive the tools necessary to help themselves reach a comfortable platform with their issues.

Normally, I would not give such detailed advice, but I think the combination of my suggestions is a good way for you to understand your situation better. You obviously have been met with some negative views by others. People on this post have expressed that your interests are not unusual or repulsive. Even though you said what other people think of you does matter to you, the truth is what you think of yourself is the only thing that really matters. You are not going to 'solve your problem' in a day. This will be a long, and sometimes unpleasant, journey. I hope you find the answers you need. Good luck.

 

[Nezhul]

But here is the thing. It seems like the consensus is, male dom/female sub is generally considered acceptable, female dom/male sub is not.

First time I hear that. Both are accepted by the majority and criticized by minority. For all you know, male dom / fem sub is a mysogyny and abuse on women in some people's eyes.

The reason I care is, I don't want to be a pervert. I really don't.

Define pervert.

For me, doing anything with a woman that is arousing and fun for both - is not a perversion. It's never a perversion. The society will lead you to believe that anything besides missionary in the dark room is a perversion. A century ago anal sex would be a perversion, oral sex was a perversion before that.

Pee? It's not for everyone, I admit that, but so are hot chili peppers. Is eating chili a perversion? Is eating miso soup a perversion?
Or those fucking perverts who eat cucumbers with honey?

Perversion is such a useless word, really. It's not a perversion if you both like it.

but it seems like a lot of people think female domination fantasies are some pathological condition only slightly less repugnant than pedophilia- and I never want to be lumped in with that.

Who are those people? Show me one, I wanna see. Because I never heard such things before. The only one I see saying that is you.
In this forum, most of the girls are submissive or switches. Even they don't have anything against a male sub, and will not judge you.

Or do you care so much for an opinion of some nun in the monastery of some orthodox church?

You may as well call all sex a perversion then. Hey, there are popes in some of the churches in my country who think that sex should be done exclusively to make a child, as fast and descreetly as possible.
Sex for fun? Heresy!

I think MeekMe, really ALL of you- you do have some good advice, and I thank you- but I just don't think I can really come to terms with this.

Don't, then. It's your choice. Supress your desires and leave vanilla. Be sexually unfulfilled your entire life. It's your choice.
Just please, PLEASE don't get a vanilla girl to then ruin her life by becoming a nagging grouchy husband who is sexually unfulfilled because he can't even talk about his fantasies with her. Or worse - marry her and then discover you can't stay away from kink and try to force her into that, becoming angry with her because she doesn't want to pee on you.

Ultimately I want the same thing as many- to love, be loved, and be accepted. I want to find someone whose needs I can take care of- and I really hope these "deviant" feelings I have will never get in the way of that.

Or better yet - don't take that risk. And find someone kinky, so those "deviant desires" of yours only accent and strengthen your relationship, rather than threaten it.

But really, I get the feeling that you cane here to cry. You don't want any of the advice because you wouldn't change your mind. You are just here to get a kick out of being shamed and humiliated for your kink, to tell people how deeply perverted and bad you feel. But you are not here for advice, in fact you don't care what anybody says to you, because you are decided already.

So why bother and post anything at all?

 

[cuckoldbill]

First time I hear that. Both are accepted by the majority and criticized by minority. For all you know, male dom / fem sub is a mysogyny and abuse on women in some people's eyes.

Define pervert.

For me, doing anything with a woman that is arousing and fun for both - is not a perversion. It's never a perversion. The society will lead you to believe that anything besides missionary in the dark room is a perversion. A century ago anal sex would be a perversion, oral sex was a perversion before that.

Pee? It's not for everyone, I admit that, but so are hot chili peppers. Is eating chili a perversion? Is eating miso soup a perversion?
Or those fucking perverts who eat cucumbers with honey?

Perversion is such a useless word, really. It's not a perversion if you both like it.

Who are those people? Show me one, I wanna see. Because I never heard such things before. The only one I see saying that is you.
In this forum, most of the girls are submissive or switches. Even they don't have anything against a male sub, and will not judge you.

Or do you care so much for an opinion of some nun in the monastery of some orthodox church?

You may as well call all sex a perversion then. Hey, there are popes in some of the churches in my country who think that sex should be done exclusively to make a child, as fast and descreetly as possible.
Sex for fun? Heresy!

Don't, then. It's your choice. Supress your desires and leave vanilla. Be sexually unfulfilled your entire life. It's your choice.
Just please, PLEASE don't get a vanilla girl to then ruin her life by becoming a nagging grouchy husband who is sexually unfulfilled because he can't even talk about his fantasies with her. Or worse - marry her and then discover you can't stay away from kink and try to force her into that, becoming angry with her because she doesn't want to pee on you.

Or better yet - don't take that risk. And find someone kinky, so those "deviant desires" of yours only accent and strengthen your relationship, rather than threaten it.

But really, I get the feeling that you cane here to cry. You don't want any of the advice because you wouldn't change your mind. You are just here to get a kick out of being shamed and humiliated for your kink, to tell people how deeply perverted and bad you feel. But you are not here for advice, in fact you don't care what anybody says to you, because you are decided already.

So why bother and post anything at all?

Great advice . Just hope he has the sense to accept and act on it.

 

[hylas_]

I truly hope you can accept, and even celebrate, yourself and your sexuality someday. You seem to have a long journey ahead of you, I wish you all the best!

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Define pervert.

For me, doing anything with a woman that is arousing and fun for both - is not a perversion. It's never a perversion. The society will lead you to believe that anything besides missionary in the dark room is a perversion. A century ago anal sex would be a perversion, oral sex was a perversion before that.

Pee? It's not for everyone, I admit that, but so are hot chili peppers. Is eating chili a perversion? Is eating miso soup a perversion?
Or those fucking perverts who eat cucumbers with honey?

Perversion is such a useless word, really. It's not a perversion if you both like it.

I looked up the definition of pervert:

Noun - a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal or unacceptable
(We are all a bunch of perverts in someone's eyes!)

Verb - distort or corrupt the original course, meaning, or state of something; lead someone away from what is considered natural or acceptable
(Those cucumber and honey eating types are definitely perverts!)

I have nothing else to add to this discussion. I think everyone else said it all. ☺

 

[PaxNurgle]

Okay, I feel I owe an explanation for why I started this conversation. It was not to just "get attention."

I recently posted a female domme-related story on here which contained scenes of cuckolding, watersports, and forced bisexuality in the context of a loving female dominant/male sub relationship.

However, the people who read it found it extremely offensive, disturbing, and inappropriate. I felt horrible- embarrassed, upset- not so much that "the trolls were trashing my story" but rather, that I was (inadvertenly of course) doing the trolling, by exposing the readers to such distasteful themes.

I have since had the site administrators remove that story from the site. (so no need to look for it.) And I really, really thank them, and I apologize to anyone who may have read that work and been offended and upset by it.

The whole experience made me realize that what I thought were harmless kinks, are considered to be grossly upsetting and disturbing to most people. At the very least, I feel like I errored by including such themes in a story that could be read by people who clearly find such things distasteful.

But on a deeper level, what I want ultimately, is what everyone wants- love and companionship. In my story, the main character found that by hooking up with a woman who shared his tastes in the more extreme side of BDSM/kink fetishes. But in real life, most women would find such things repulsive- as my experience as a writer on this site has taught me. Because I want to find a fulfilling and loving relationship, I feel like the best way to do so is to seek help in "de-programming" myself away from kink and female domination. I do believe this is possible. I really want to believe that God did not make me enjoy being spanked, peed on, etc. But rather I allowed my sexual desires to fall too far down a rabbit hole.

So that's where I was coming from. I wanted to wait until my story was gone before responding, and I really do have good intentions here. Thank you, all, for your responses.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

However, the people who read it found it extremely offensive, disturbing, and inappropriate. I felt horrible- embarrassed, upset- not so much that "the trolls were trashing my story" but rather, that I was (inadvertenly of course) doing the trolling, by exposing the readers to such distasteful themes.

The whole experience made me realize that what I thought were harmless kinks, are considered to be grossly upsetting and disturbing to most people. At the very least, I feel like I errored by including such themes in a story that could be read by people who clearly find such things distasteful.

But on a deeper level, what I want ultimately, is what everyone wants- love and companionship. In my story, the main character found that by hooking up with a woman who shared his tastes in the more extreme side of BDSM/kink fetishes. But in real life, most women would find such things repulsive- as my experience as a writer on this site has taught me. Because I want to find a fulfilling and loving relationship, I feel like the best way to do so is to seek help in "de-programming" myself away from kink and female domination. I do believe this is possible. I really want to believe that God did not make me enjoy being spanked, peed on, etc. But rather I allowed my sexual desires to fall too far down a rabbit hole.

I've run across a lot of stories that I found distasteful. Know what I did? I stopped reading them. That's it. I'm not offended that other people may have liked it.

And God doesn't mind that I like getting spanked...I asked him! I don't like getting peed on but I wouldn't have a problem peeing on you if you liked it...

But do what you feel comfortable with. Go to church, find you some Jesus, and be well on your way to finding that happiness you seek. (I'm being sincere, even if it comes out sounding like sarcasm)

Take care!

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[Bramblethorn]

But on a deeper level, what I want ultimately, is what everyone wants- love and companionship. In my story, the main character found that by hooking up with a woman who shared his tastes in the more extreme side of BDSM/kink fetishes. But in real life, most women would find such things repulsive- as my experience as a writer on this site has taught me.

Stop a moment, take a deep breath, and repeat this mantra: "I'm somebody's fetish".

You don't need to date "most women". You just need to find one who's compatible. (Well, one at a time. Unless you're poly. Anyway, it's a small number.)

You're right, most women aren't into the stuff you're into. But right now, some kinky woman is probably posting about how hard it is to find a guy into the same stuff she's into.