Looking for story feedback on my submissions!

[izenrann]

Hi all, I've just started posting some of the erotica I wrote. I would welcome any and all comments and feedback, be it positive or negative!

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3620786&page=submissions

 

[Blind_Justice]

Hi all, I've just started posting some of the erotica I wrote. I would welcome any and all comments and feedback, be it positive or negative!

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3620786&page=submissions

I have made my way through "The Princess Transformed" and I'm not happy.

First, your story could use another edit pass. There were no major catastrophes, but enough instances of omitted or off words to be noticable. In the first sentence already. "stared at rage at the usurper..." enraged? Furious? A bit further down it's "until with a grunt, her the man came deep inside her". There's a couple more hiccups like these a second pair of eyes might have caught.

My main issue though lies elsewhere. Your writing is way too detached. For writing from the Princess' point of view, the impact of the events she's involved in is nonexistent. You describe, but your words only scratch the surface. You never mention how the transformation feels, if the reshaping of her body is painful or not. She takes the changes - both physical and mental - in stride, no impotent rage against her new body or the unladylike urges. Also, the jail scene has a huge continuity error - who undoes the shackles? Or her clothes?

Then comes a deluge of sex scenes, but by this time I already have stopped caring.for your heroine's plight. Your detached style robs the potentially arousing and/or humiliating scenes much of their power. She brainlessly takes it all.

And then you try to sell the idea that she's still conscious enough to work as a reliable spy? Sorry, no go. As much as I love hentai, that's just a bit much.

 

[Combat323]

Izenrann,

You're writing is technically pretty sound, minus a few omissions and missing commas, etc. Most of the the things that threw me off were storyline problems and characterization. Details to follow:

Problem with the first sentence has already been noted.

Next paragraph, shouldn't it be "but when the moment was right, he struck with a coup d'etat"? In that same paragraph,

and she was almost taken captive herself.

Need to use Daphnia instead of she there, because the paragraph talks about Rampillion and the royal family and not about the princess at all until the pronoun "she" pops up. Not a big deal, but definitely a speed bump.

After that, the story moves quickly into sexual encounters, but we don't feel her reactions or her fighting spirit for quite a while, which is all the more strange because we know that her mind is unchanged. There's great opportunity there for a lot more conflict in her mind, battling those sexual urges, and with those around her. Also, there's very little dialogue, internal or external, for quite a stretch; just a series of faceless men and / or penises.

Jump back a bit . . . get rid of the melons reference. Readers will understand that her breasts have grown, and "melons" are a bit cliche.

The part where she is secured to the bench would actually have been better if she had been untouched while locked up and craving sex. Better still if Rapillion had come in to stoke her fires and get her begging. instead we have gang bang on the bench and covered with cum, and it's about seven paragraphs after gang bang in the dungeon and covered with cum.

From there we jump to meeting the man from the resistance. He'll be back every ten days. Then she meets the slave and they have their months together. Then there's a mention of the resistance again and how her information has been helpful to them, but we haven't had a single glimpse of information. The resistance and the conflict with Rapillion seem forgotten, or at least not important to her. We haven't seen the main villain again. It's all a bit disjointed. It also seems a bit more told than shown

 

[hylas_]

Hey there! I read "The Prince Transformed" until the second asterisks, because the subject sounded fun. I did like the general gist of the story so far, but the execution left me a bit cold.


I would have liked to have a bit more insight into the inner life of the protagonist. When you write about his thoughts and emotions, you tend to be distant and descriptive:

But lying there insensate, he felt the stirrings of something else as well...desire. Desire like he had never experienced before. It wasn't the usual stirrings in his loins every time he saw a pretty girl past by—this was something different altogether. It buffeted him like a storm, tossed his weary body in its wake, and hardened his already stiff member into steel-like rigidity.

I feel like you're basically saying "He was very, very horny," just with more words. This doesn't touch me at all. Shouldn't this part make me as the reader at least a little horny as well? Telling me that "this dude is horny!" will, in itself, not excite me. Now, if you would have shown me what horny thoughts were going through the protagonists head, maybe that might have excited me.


Then, the captors take the protagonist to "women of all types, shapes and sorts." Are those women free to come and go, or are they prisoners as well? What kind of room is all this taking place in? A dank prison cell, a luxurious bedroom, a large hall, or some other kind of place entirely?

One sentence suggests that the protagonist isn't restrained during the day. Why doesn't he try to escape, especially since he's become so strong? And why isn't he able to jerk off, if his hands are not bound during the day?

We get basically no information about any of this, other than "the protagonist has sex with lot's of women." The picture you paint is very vague, and the logistics of it all aren't clear to me. As a result, the scene doesn't particularly touch me.


I guess that's my main overall criticism. The story feels detached. I feel like you're describing the story to me - "He is very horny! He has lot's of sex!" - without ever really drawing me in. I want you to make me experience the horniness, the sex, all the good stuff! I don't want to just read a plot summary of it!


Sorry for the negative critique, I hope you'll get something out of it anyway!

 

[izenrann]

Whoops sorry, didn't see these replies until a long time had passed. Hope you don't mind the late response!

I wrote this series kind of experimentally, so I didn't put as much as an effort into it as I normally do. I hope you don't mind too much.

The main criticism here seems to be the lack of editing, which I have tried to address with the efforts of...an editor! It gets better from here on out.