More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the News comes this story of a couple who drove their car to the local supermarket, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The auto mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[rjordan]

IIRC the gag was Soupy asking a puppet character to read a displayed alphabet. The puppet said, "A, B, C, D, E, K, G, H..." Soupy stopped him and said something like, "Wait that's not what I see. Try that again." The puppet repeated. Then, Soupy's punchline: "Why is it what where I see F, you see K?"

That might have been another one. My memory is rusty, but I was in the military in NJ at the time and used to rush home to watch his program. I swear I saw that bit, but maybe I heard about it a million times and absorbed it.

Another one I don't remember, but heard about the same time was when he asked the kids to check their dad's wallet and send him all the green pieces of paper. He was suspended for that one too, I heard.

He was outrageous almost every time he got on the air. In my very early 20's with no skill other than the newly acquired one of stabbing straw dummies with a bayonet, it was funny stuff.

rj

 

[JKendallDane]

That might have been another one. My memory is rusty, but I was in the military in NJ at the time and used to rush home to watch his program. I swear I saw that bit, but maybe I heard about it a million times and absorbed it.

Another one I don't remember, but heard about the same time was when he asked the kids to check their dad's wallet and send him all the green pieces of paper. He was suspended for that one too, I heard.

He was outrageous almost every time he got on the air. In my very early 20's with no skill other than the newly acquired one of stabbing straw dummies with a bayonet, it was funny stuff.

rj

According to Soupy and Snopes, all those are just urban legends, but this one really did happen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cherobZX9cc

.

 

[Handley_Page]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart Attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and Drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Here endeth the Lesson

 

[Hypoxia]

... I was in the military in NJ at the time...

Ft Dixiecup, I presume. I spent an unpleasant 1974-75 winter there. I commiserate.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I recall a linguistics savant predicting that by 2050 around 80% of humanity will claim to speak Ænglish (and 80% of those will be unable to understand each other).

This implies that death rates should ultimately rise by 60%-80% as the world becomes increasingly Ænglophonic. Let's see, how to profit from mass death?

Maybe this is evidence of the Republican-Reptilioid conspiracy to fatten human Americans (via McFood) for alien consumption. To the Reps, 'obese' means juicy and tender. Are you delectable?

But I digress. How about learning a second language and abandoning Ænglish? Will you live longer and healthier if you only order and talk in Spanish or Hindi?

 

[Handley_Page]

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a boat race on the River. Each team practised hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed.

The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the RAF had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three-volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organisational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air ForceRowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a £4 million program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass during practice.

 

[rjordan]

Ft Dixiecup, I presume. I spent an unpleasant 1974-75 winter there. I commiserate.

Fort Monmouth, nicknamed the Country Club of the Army. Minutes from the boardwalk on the Jersey Shore. They sent me to a school I didn't ask for. After graduation, I got my orders, and they handed me another bayonet-ready weapon, but they didn't have sticking straw dummies in mind that time. I never saw that equipment again.

Nothing funny about that. As you were.

rj

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Deirdre,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently,
although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some
friends from work, you don't know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out
of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my Taylormade R7 appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
shop where I bought it?

Yours concerned.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

The Navy, Army, and the Air Force decided to have a boat race on the River. Each team practised hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed.

The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the RAF had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three-volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organisational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air ForceRowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a £4 million program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass during practice.

I am not surprised by this. Laughed out loud midway and a guffaw reading the last sentence.

 

[JackLuis]

New flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board.
She hurries to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I'm sure we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty damned frightened, immobile and terrified in fact, and the man she is with looks weird, angry and dangerous!"

The pilot responds, " I've told you before. Remember. This is Air Force One..."

******
Too political?

 

[Handley_Page]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female! Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

 

[Handley_Page]

Imponderables

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!)

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

 

[jehoram]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute



14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

Well, it's really the only way for me to keep tabs on what my kinfolk are up to.

I bet you're a big fan of Steven Wright and Ashley Brilliant. A lot of these "imponderables" are from them.

My favorite Ashley Brilliant (for the moment) is "I am hoping that in the near future I will have something to hope for."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!)

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

In a similar vein, if people from Hemel get hemorrhoids, do people from Poland get Polaroids?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, shouldn't a humanitarian be a cannibal?

 

[JackLuis]

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Shortly after I got married, I was invited for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the jokes were being spun and the beer was going down well, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.
Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

 

[Hypoxia]

An old one re; roadside signs:

The pope's incensed
The clergy raves
But nevertheless
JESUS SHAVES!
Burma-Shave​

 

[jehoram]

An old one re; roadside signs:

The pope's incensed
The clergy raves
But nevertheless
JESUS SHAVES!
Burma-Shave​

Burma Shave had lots of those, posted all over the major US roads, back when your speed was around thirty and you had time to read the signs.

Here's a few more:

Thirty days
Hath November
April June
And the Speed Offender

Near the Schoolyard
Take it slow
Let the little
Shavers grow

 

[Handley_Page]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?'

The little girl thought for a moment and said...

'I think so. Provided those wankers at the Builders Yard deliver the fcuking bricks on Monday.'

 

[timmyid2]

A blonde was showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friend asked her what the story was behind the unusual location.

She said "It's really cool... If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean !!"

 

[john-the-author]

A blonde was showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friend asked her what the story was behind the unusual location.

She said "It's really cool... If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean !!"

Okay, that one is REALLY funny!!!

Sharing with a number of my tackier friends. TY!

 

[Handley_Page]

Ladies: Be very careful what you wish for!

Viagra Wife Diary

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.


Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
Day 16
The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.
What absolute bliss!

 

[R. Richard]

Raced a train to the crossing
Did salesman Henry Tucket
First he kicked the gas
And then the bucket
Burma-Shave

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have gotten out today."

 

[Handley_Page]

Male Perspectives on Marriage

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Anonymous