I'm not too sure where to start with my question, so I guess I'll just start typing and get to the question when I get to it. This is a rather embarrassing but awkward, question. I am a 38-year-old married man, who has a very unusual but healthy sex life. When my wife and I do eventually have sex (we have two children) she enjoys it. I on the other hand do not. The problem does not apply to her. It's all about me. My wife will occasionally perform Fellatio. The problem is -- I do not benefit from it. In fact, I cannot keep an erection when she wants to do this for me. Weird, right? I can't ejaculate when she is performing Fellatio. When she is performing, all I do is stare at her. My wife feels I might have problems with relaxing which causes me not to ejaculate that way, I've tried several times to shut my eyes, you know like they do in porn, but still I can't find any enjoyment of this. I have told her stories being with other girls...Prior to being married. I had the same problem. It’s like some kind of sexual block. Do you think that would cause this kind of issue? We don’t do it all the time. I am truly want to enjoy this, but I just can't. What is wrong with me? Have other men experienced this?
Sexual Blockage
- Thread starter Timben
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hylas_
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You don't have a "block" or "issue". Not every sex act is for everybody, and not every man enjoys getting blown, contrary to popular belief. I don't get off on getting blown, either; never have. I even enjoy blowjobs in pornography, and sometimes fantasise about it when I masturbate. But the actual act, IRL? Does nothing for me.
Tell this to your wife, and move on to other sex acts that are enjoyable for both of you. I hope that she isn't one of those women that are totally into giving blowjobs, because that would be a bit of an incompatibility issue.
Tell this to your wife, and move on to other sex acts that are enjoyable for both of you. I hope that she isn't one of those women that are totally into giving blowjobs, because that would be a bit of an incompatibility issue.
I do have trouble obtaining and keeping an erection. When I am touching her, you know, pleasing her. I do not have an erection. The desire is there, but no erection what so ever. My wife and I hasn't had intercourse in over a year. I try anal sex with my wife, but again, it's difficult to maintain an erection. I have the desire to try to have sex but the "action" is not there.
I have spoken to my doctor about this. My doctor believes it's psychological more than medical. He prescribes an injection of testosterone that I have to take every two weeks. I attempted to explain to him, that it has an increase of sexual desire that I do not need. But he would not listen.
Meaning that I want to have sex, even though I can't do anything. The desire is there. And yes I masturbate, once a day to porn. I am no longer a visual person. The only porn I view are women going down on men, that and women giving handjobs or whatever it's called. That is about the extent of my porn viewing. I do not care for watching men and women screwing. Never appealed to me. And no I am not gay and I have no desire to be with a man either. I fail to get excited watching lesbians have sex.
My body has now adapted to the injections, so the desire has now decreased and I'm back to where I started with. In all my life, I was never a sexual person. Perhaps that is precisely what wrong with me. I dunno. Thank you for replying to my post. Also I have been thinking of seeing a professional sex therapist but I am not sure this is something they could help me with. Oh, I might add, I love my wife. Again, pressure from her has never been an issue.
Bottom line, I just don't like sex. Possibly because I am not good at having sex. I was also never gifted, as in having a big penis, like the ones you see in porn. I am probably average. Wish I were. I've never enjoyed oral sex on a woman either. Mainly because again, never was any good at it. I never got an erection from that either.
I have spoken to my doctor about this. My doctor believes it's psychological more than medical. He prescribes an injection of testosterone that I have to take every two weeks. I attempted to explain to him, that it has an increase of sexual desire that I do not need. But he would not listen.
Meaning that I want to have sex, even though I can't do anything. The desire is there. And yes I masturbate, once a day to porn. I am no longer a visual person. The only porn I view are women going down on men, that and women giving handjobs or whatever it's called. That is about the extent of my porn viewing. I do not care for watching men and women screwing. Never appealed to me. And no I am not gay and I have no desire to be with a man either. I fail to get excited watching lesbians have sex.
My body has now adapted to the injections, so the desire has now decreased and I'm back to where I started with. In all my life, I was never a sexual person. Perhaps that is precisely what wrong with me. I dunno. Thank you for replying to my post. Also I have been thinking of seeing a professional sex therapist but I am not sure this is something they could help me with. Oh, I might add, I love my wife. Again, pressure from her has never been an issue.
Bottom line, I just don't like sex. Possibly because I am not good at having sex. I was also never gifted, as in having a big penis, like the ones you see in porn. I am probably average. Wish I were. I've never enjoyed oral sex on a woman either. Mainly because again, never was any good at it. I never got an erection from that either.
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nfrrdscnnr1
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on it
Seems to me your thought of seeing a therapist is a very good one. Pretty hard to diagnose and prescribe for such problems on a forum.
Seems to me your thought of seeing a therapist is a very good one. Pretty hard to diagnose and prescribe for such problems on a forum.
yukonnights
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Timben, If you're not familiar with the term 'asexual' already, I think you would benefit from looking it up. An internet search would be easy as it's a common word. This may or may not give any insight but it sounds to me that this describes you. There are many people who simply do not find much interest in sex. From the little I know, it seems that if one is 'asexual', that knowledge helps to put away the stress of trying to be something you never were mean to be. And if you don't find this to sound like your issue, then you can at least cross it off the list. Best wishes, and hope you can solve the mystery.
S
Spartygrl13
Guest
I'm really sorry to hear you struggle with this. I do think a therapist might help you but I have a question. Have you been with women in the past where you did enjoy sex? High School/College? Just curious. You do cum To porn once a day so that to me says you can perform. Just trying to help. What else can you tell us?
I am not a virgin, despite what the stupid sign says under my name. Lose my virginity, to a 35-year old woman girlfriend. She was my first. I was 27.
Have you been with women in the past where you did enjoy sex? Not really. I mean, I've had sex. Just never got any good at it.
High School/College? Just curious.
High School: No relationships during this time of my life.
College: Never been to college.
You do cum To porn once a day so that to me says you can perform. Just trying to help.
What else can you tell us?
A: There really isn't much to tell. Just ask and I will give you an honest answer. Have no reason to lie to you.
Have you been with women in the past where you did enjoy sex? Not really. I mean, I've had sex. Just never got any good at it.
High School/College? Just curious.
High School: No relationships during this time of my life.
College: Never been to college.
You do cum To porn once a day so that to me says you can perform. Just trying to help.
What else can you tell us?
A: There really isn't much to tell. Just ask and I will give you an honest answer. Have no reason to lie to you.
S
Spartygrl13
Guest
What type of porn do you cum to? Not sure I got that part?
fire_breeze
Softly Seductive
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Welcome to Lit.
As someone mentioned, you may be simply asexual. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that; it's a mighty fine identity, if that's who you are.
Not all asexuals refrain from masturbation: it feels good and for many, it's a physical release. And not all asexuals are unattached or uninterested in romance or having an intimate, non-sexual relationship. It means, in its basic definition, that you are simply uninterested in sex. Despite what popular imagining tells us, not all men are raving sex maniacs who think about sex every 7 seconds and can get it up to a can of tomato soup. People are people, and therefore every person is different.
And there is nothing wrong with being 'average' size: not all people like penises that are comparable to a horse. There is a reason why something is called 'average'.
Barring any trauma, it sounds like your identity makeup is simply that you are uninterested inhaving sex. You may be interested in sex -that is, curious about different expressions and whatnot- because sex is interesting, but may be uninterested in actually having sex. And as I said before, that's okay. We all express our (a)sexuality differently.
(Just a little thing to point out: no one is magically born in being good at sex; like all skills, it takes practice and honest communication from your partner to be good at it. What works for one may not work for another. Just saying).
That said, I would strongly suggest that you find a sex-positive therapist to explore yourself. A sex-positive therapist is usually open-minded about various sexual identity, as opposed to someone who would not be accepting to asexuality. Also, you may wish to check out asexual websites: http://www.asexuality.org is probably one of the better known ones as well as this one: http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/. These two may be a starting point.
Or you may not be asexual at all, although from you final statement of not being interested in sex indicates that this is how you identify and Id like to reiterate: that is very much okay. Bottom line, if you are okay with your lack of interest in sex and your wife, whom you love, is not pressuring you or making you feel guilty and is okay with the fact, then you have nothing to worry about and it's really only yours and your wife's business, no one else's.
Good luck.
Nezhul
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I say that you just don't like the thing as much. It happens. Some women absolutely LOVE oral sex, and some others dislike it. Why should it be any different for a man?
For each of us our tastes differ. We like different foods, different books, different colors, different movies. Why should sex be an exception? The only uniform thing that the majority of people like is vaginal sex. You should understand that everything else is additional play.
If your wife really likes performing fellatio - I say you let her. Just make sure that both of you are clear that it's purely her thing and for her benefit. Similarly, she can give you some concessions in return, something you are fond of but she doesn't get much kick out of.
Just stick to things that you enjoy. And accept the things that you don't.
For each of us our tastes differ. We like different foods, different books, different colors, different movies. Why should sex be an exception? The only uniform thing that the majority of people like is vaginal sex. You should understand that everything else is additional play.
If your wife really likes performing fellatio - I say you let her. Just make sure that both of you are clear that it's purely her thing and for her benefit. Similarly, she can give you some concessions in return, something you are fond of but she doesn't get much kick out of.
Just stick to things that you enjoy. And accept the things that you don't.
NightL
smoke'n'mirrors
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You certainly seem to focus on yourself a lot - seriously you do. This is you saying "well I touch her so therefore I am entitled to an erection".
I read through this and see "me, me, I'm bored with me, I'm bored with this, I'm bored with that, why should I bother"
Is this you chasing the porn video expectation? It just won't work like that. PORN IS NOT REAL - it really isn't. Most of it is just bored actors using other people to masturbate against, demonstrating as much love and tenderness as a man and his fleshlight. To be honest you would probably do yourself and more importantly your wife a favour by cutting it out of your life for a while. Why?
Because of this
You seem to be happy to put a bit of effort in there because - well - it is about yourself.
and this
You are so devoid of reality you think big dick pretend bullshit is some sort of nonsense to aspire to. No wonder "Possibly because I am not good at having sex".
I'm pretty sure you would still be a self centred lousy lay even if you had a big dick. (I can hear the mouseketeer gunning down as I type. Never mind, just a side-note.)
I actually wonder if you do love your wife? Why would you dismiss the most obvious help you could turn to - because your bored? Does your wife mean that little to you? Does your boredom and can't be bothered attitude override your wife's happiness?
Go to a sex therapist as a couple - as fast as you can - especially if you do indeed love your wife.
I think you have a whole lot to learn about sex, love and intimacy. Sex with someone you love is not about me me me, it is about giving.
For instance, would ever prepare a special surprise evening for your wife? Not just "let's go out for a drink" - I mean something that you put thought and planning into - make it a date night so at least she knows there is something to look forward to. Have the house spotless for when she arrives home from work - have all those chores you have been promising to do done. You may have taken her out shopping for a new evening outfit, with a request that she wear it for a night out. Organise a restaurant she would love - if you don't know, ask her girlfriends for advice - take her dancing, theatre, ballet - what ever it may be that is totally about her wishes and likes. Just display to her she is the most precious person to you in the world and that you are willing to put an ongoing and concerted effort in to making each and every day special for her.
If the result of this genuine display of love and affection resulted in joyous smiles, happiness and laughter from your wife, how do think that may make you feel in yourself? You should put the same amount of effort into your love making - it is most certainly not about hard big cock and banging a partner as a masturbation object.
So why not start with an effort like that. Head off to a sex therapist together as well so you can learn as much as you can about sex and romance and giving and loving your partner. Learn about your partner's arousal patterns, learn them better than she knows herself. Listen and be attentive, ask her questions and guidance along the way - and be prepared to have a laugh at yourself if the efforts get untangled from time to time. Just keep trying.
The most precious thing about sex with someone you love is the rewards you gain by giving. The more you give the greater reward in return. Making love is not just about your dick and all thoughts of "I should close my eye like they do in porn movies"to keep an erection.
If you love your wife, you will leave no stone unturned in your effort for her happiness. Wanking to porn will NEVER make you a good lover. Your wife is not a porn object and you should never have that expectation of her.
To be good at anything in life takes a willingness to learn, dedicated practice, but most importantly the openness to listen. So listen to your wife carefully and go listen to the advice of a sex therapist.
Try giving up your porn for three months - try giving up masturbation for a while as well, 'cos you just might find arousal toward your wife may flourish. What is more important to you, masturbation and porn or the happiness of your wife?
NightL: First off, DON'T TALK ABOUT MY WIFE! Second off, you don't know a damn thing about me. Third off, FUCK YOU!
The other repliers were more understanding and more helpful than you. I sure as hell am not selfish. I have never been selfish. Apparently you can't read. I have my answers. For I am most grateful to those who were willing to help me. And I thank all those who try to answer the question.
The other repliers were more understanding and more helpful than you. I sure as hell am not selfish. I have never been selfish. Apparently you can't read. I have my answers. For I am most grateful to those who were willing to help me. And I thank all those who try to answer the question.
yukonnights
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Edit: Oops, you just mentioned it while I was writing this below..
Timben, I hope you noticed the detailed response by 'fire-breeze' above. I failed to take the time to actually give you these resources and detailed information (I feel kind of bad about that now). It's all good info, and hope it helps lead you to something good for you and yours.
T
txgent101
Guest
Not sure this will help, but in my own case, I need a vacuum pump and cock ring to achieve and maintain an erection. Of course, my age is 79, and I had prostate radiation years ago, so they are the roots for me. I use this pump:
https://68.media.tumblr.com/7613682736b4d8ccc7c31a1360e74967/tumblr_ocqhd9FZm91verwzuo1_400.jpg
Another thought I had: I have found that certain medications interfere with my libido, particularly antidepressants. I discontinued one of them earlier this year and my libido went into overdrive.
All just my experience....
NightL
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Yes, you have your answers "that you may just not be interested in sex" and "Oh, it is OK to be asexual" anything to justify you giving up and so you can just continue playing with yourself on your daily dose of masturbation and porn that you seem to base reality on, but are bored with as well.
I am not the one insulting your wife. List one word of what I wrote that could possibly be derogatory toward your wife. List one word that I wrote that could be damaging toward your relationship.
"you don't know a damn thing about me", well I know how you present yourself and your response is certainly what I would expect from someone who places their desire to wallow in their own misery over love for their wife.
Here is a thought. Ask your wife to participate in reading this thread and contribute to the discussion. I would be very curious as for her input. This is a help forum, I'm sure your journey together could well be of value to others.
I wrote here once words for a person who is in the position your wife is in "Every day you continue to be in a sexless relationship you die a little death and that compounds". My advice to that woman was of efforts toward communication - that whole thing of leaving no stone unturned. She was on the verge of leaving the marriage yet thought seeking advice from a sex therapist, even attending on her own, worth a try to educate herself with all possibilities while her husband was reluctant to make any effort. Maybe that was your wife...
If you want change - do something about it. If you think your wife deserves to see you making every possible effort - do something about it. I made some very positive suggestions, none which were about rock hard erections and satisfying yourself by banging your wife or how to make your daily masturbation more rewarding... and your only response was "FUCK YOU". For "you don't know a damn thing about me", well I know how you portray yourself.
So tell me why exactly you won't go to a sex therapist? So tell me why you wish not to learn all you possibly can about romance, love, sensuality, giving and loving? So tell me why you would not consider trying giving up porn and masturbation for three months to see if it helps arousal toward your wife? So tell me why you are unwilling to learn? So tell me why you are reluctant to learn of your wife's arousal patterns to a level beyond even her own knowledge (or even half way)? So tell me why the concept of listening and asking for guidance from your wife on how to please her is not worth considering? Actually, just tell her. Really, what have you got to lose, a marriage?
I actually wish your relationship well as I do for the relationships of any couple.
NightL
smoke'n'mirrors
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Big thumbs up for the efforts you go to.
Perhaps it may be of worth to Timben as to understanding all the reasons why you go to that effort. Not the because of health and medications, but why it is important to you.
pfflyerhot
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You may consider being a little more open minded about what NightL is saying... To dismiss so quickly, and be offended by what you think he's saying... seems more of a deflection for you to look at any solutions that involve perhaps seeing yourself in a negative shade.
Of course, I'm not in your shoes, and I didn't start this thread, so it's not as personal an issue for me as it is for you, but, I didn't feel that NightL's post was worthy of a "fuck you" comeback by you... without any discussion at all. What he says is worthy of thought... I'd think.
Good luck, and I mean that.
Of course, I'm not in your shoes, and I didn't start this thread, so it's not as personal an issue for me as it is for you, but, I didn't feel that NightL's post was worthy of a "fuck you" comeback by you... without any discussion at all. What he says is worthy of thought... I'd think.
Good luck, and I mean that.
yukonnights
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You may consider being a little more open minded about what NightL is saying... To dismiss so quickly, and be offended by what you think he's saying... seems more of a deflection for you to look at any solutions that involve perhaps seeing yourself in a negative shade.
Of course, I'm not in your shoes, and I didn't start this thread, so it's not as personal an issue for me as it is for you, but, I didn't feel that NightL's post was worthy of a "fuck you" comeback by you... without any discussion at all. What he says is worthy of thought... I'd think.
Good luck, and I mean that.
I concur. It is another perspective and makes valid points worthy of reflection. You're new here, and probably haven't had time to notice that, so often the written word is a pretty poor way to communicate and especially when trying to be short and concise about complex topics. There have been a lot of cases of simple miscommunication on these boards ! A good bit of NightL's time went into those words in an attempt to help a stranger...
T
txgent101
Guest
Good point NightL.
Mr. Timben, I am age 79. Being able to have an erection and enjoy sexual pleasure is a bonus for me at my age. I was in the 'sexual wilderness' (just my way of how I felt about it) and now feel rather liberated and alive. Perhaps it is the release of those famous endorphins. Being able to experience actual lust and desire helps me feel more vigorous, and happy; healthy, energetic, something to look forward to. Virility is a part of a person's makeup, and I can experience it now with a zesty and passionate attitude.
One thing I have really enjoyed lately is cyber chats with young women in the Lit chat rooms. In a couple of cases, we have been sexually charged and vocal (as much as the keyboard will allow anyway). The interchange gets a lot of things working; my brain, emotions, lust, heart rate (!).
Hope this may help explain why I make the effort; there is a definite payoff for me.
Best to you sir....
