Mixed Fun Messages... Yet, I'm new with switch in the mix

[Eyesopen1012]

My boyfriend and I are having a mix of real life stuff throwing us curve balls and opening up to BDSM with switch. He is very experienced and I am slowly entering. He says his favorite is being submissive with caning which will take time to get to.

We had a session with him being dominant and it was unbelievably erotic. If it wasn't the most erotic night of my life, it sure was close!

I'm a tad confused with the banter afterwards as it all has fun from our session. Yet, I'm not sure if this kind of affects future events. I feel like the other is what he really craves. That craving is taking a nap while he is sorting through impending 16 year job loss.....

I read that sometimes the way people dominate is how they like it as a submissive....

Thoughts?

 

[Primalex]

I feel like the other is what he really craves.

Thoughts?

I feel that the other is what you really crave.

I usually assume that my partner says the truth, when she says something. You can be good at something you don't particularly like. So I don't quite get why you are questioning the statements of your partner.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

I feel uneasy about being aware of his "sweet spots" and little progression to be moving in that direction.

On the flip side, it is mind boggling awesome. Even a flashback of the experience is erotic. (I looked it up in a BDSM book that I bought and he was doing the recommendations for a newer partner with great skill)

I'd be more comfortable with "ballpark" matched pleasure/satisfaction. I further believe it to be a slower process to get to fully satisfying him given our different experience levels. It feels like it has inertia. Inertia doesn't seem like a good sign!

Prior to this experience, I thought I was rather skilled. Now, I feel like there is much to learn and it isn't happening!!

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

My boyfriend and I are having a mix of real life stuff throwing us curve balls and opening up to BDSM with switch. He is very experienced and I am slowly entering. He says his favorite is being submissive with caning which will take time to get to.

We had a session with him being dominant and it was unbelievably erotic. If it wasn't the most erotic night of my life, it sure was close!

I'm a tad confused with the banter afterwards as it all has fun from our session. Yet, I'm not sure if this kind of affects future events. I feel like the other is what he really craves. That craving is taking a nap while he is sorting through impending 16 year job loss.....

I read that sometimes the way people dominate is how they like it as a submissive....

Thoughts?

I want to be sure of what you are saying here. Are you saying that right now you are experimenting with him as the PYL and you as the pyl, yet you think he would prefer it the other way round? And then wondering if you can take cues from him based on how he acts as a dominant to determine how he might like you to act as a dominant later?

If that's the case, I would guess a little bit, but probably not totally. As a switch I can tell you that being in a dominant or submissive role is not as simple as a mirror image of the two. I have done things to people that I don't want done to me, and I have had things done to me that I haven't done to others. At the same time, I have gotten ideas for things that developed into desires for one role or another. So they do play off one another for me, but at the same time, they don't look a lot alike.

Either way, I would guess that he isn't laying out a particular set of instructions for you to follow by example. Chances are he is simply exploring with you, showing you some examples, and those examples can only come from his set of experiences and his collection of desires and turn ons. The great thing about it is that you can just ask him

I feel uneasy about being aware of his "sweet spots" and little progression to be moving in that direction.

On the flip side, it is mind boggling awesome. Even a flashback of the experience is erotic. (I looked it up in a BDSM book that I bought and he was doing the recommendations for a newer partner with great skill)

I'd be more comfortable with "ballpark" matched pleasure/satisfaction. I further believe it to be a slower process to get to fully satisfying him given our different experience levels. It feels like it has inertia. Inertia doesn't seem like a good sign!

Prior to this experience, I thought I was rather skilled. Now, I feel like there is much to learn and it isn't happening!!

It sounds like you are anxious about being able to top him to his satisfaction, while you are uncomfortable that he is not pushing you towards that role with greater urgency. To add to the issue, you aren't comfortable enough with a dominant role to just step up and initiate things. Am I reading this right?

If so, I can tell you that just because he may be capable of being dominant in some areas he may not be capable in others. Just because he can top you in a session doesn't mean that he feels capable of instigating whatever actions he wants you to take as a dominant partner. You might try a few aggressive overtures and see how he responds. Make sure they are aggressive overtures that he would like. Don't know what he would like? Again, ask him. ..How would you feel if I did X? Or Y? Or Z? Climb on top of him while you are asking if that feels right (that's what I would do ) and see how it goes.

It doesn't sound like he's totally reluctant to me, just that be might need a little help from you in moving things forward. I have been "frozen" in a relationship before, locked between what I want and what I am able to say or do, it can happen to anyone. If I have this all wrong, please come back and explain. Otherwise, come back with a success sorry. We love that! Meanwhile, good luck!

 

[Eyesopen1012]

We have experimented with both. With him being the more experienced of the two, him being dominant went amazingly. It was a first experience the other way.

Yes, I'm comfortable as planner/owner of events as dom. I really want insight to setting mood considering he wants some pain for it to feel safe/have a comfortable build up for him and how to "feel" being submissive. He was definitely not fully relaxed the first time. His feedback was that I should start slower and fully intend to do that.

He is over 6' with a very masculine build. I'm 5'3". I suspect it will need to take restraints to "feel in a submissive position". Our first session had him doing all that asked, with a little attitude..... I really didn't want the attitude as I spent hours assembling plans.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

It took a long time to get the feedback of start slower next time....

 

[MsAmative]

We have experimented with both. With him being the more experienced of the two, him being dominant went amazingly. It was a first experience the other way.

Yes, I'm comfortable as planner/owner of events as dom. I really want insight to setting mood considering he wants some pain for it to feel safe/have a comfortable build up for him and how to "feel" being submissive. He was definitely not fully relaxed the first time. His feedback was that I should start slower and fully intend to do that.

He is over 6' with a very masculine build. I'm 5'3". I suspect it will need to take restraints to "feel in a submissive position". Our first session had him doing all that asked, with a little attitude..... I really didn't want the attitude as I spent hours assembling plans.

I don't know how much effort you two have put into negotiating and discussing interests, but sometimes it can take a while to be able to vocalize what you want. It can take a while to build up trust, even if you have been a couple for a while. Sometimes it can take a while to open up, especially if this is something that one of you has been afraid to bring up as a topic to the other. If he had a lot of expectations it can make it even harder.

Honestly the best advice you are going to get is for him to tell what he needs to feel safe and what he feels as a comfortable build up. It may just be with starting with a smaller "scene" so to speak that only incorporates one of two things, perhaps so you both get a better idea of how it feels and build a new type of connection. He might need a slower approach than you realize.

Same thing with what will make him "feel in a submissive position." So much of that is individual. Not everyone needs to be restrained to feel submissive, and size doesn't have to be a factor (not everything has to be fight or strength based.) You can easily have a scene that would make someone feel submissive without them being a passive partner. Perhaps he does want to be restrained, or perhaps he feels most submissive when in a service role. Similarly he could have been giving you attitude for a variety of reasons (perhaps because he wanted you to forcefully tell him to something to something entirely different.)

You state he has experience, so perhaps if you give him some time he'll be able to communicate that. Honestly, he could also be figuring out how it all fits with you. Not all bdsm relationships are the same, and it could be that submitting to you feels different than it had in the past with someone else. As hard as it is, communication will be a big factor and if there is a lot going on in his life you may have to wait until he is comfortable to share again.

A lot of people mentioned already that just because he did certain things with you, it does not necessarily mean it is what he wants. Assuming you've been sexually active with each other previously it's likely he just fed off of what he already thought you would like. Maybe you could use that experience as a springboard of what to talk about? You can always bring up something you liked and then suggest something that would be similar that you can do to him and ask how he would feel? Perhaps that could help bring you both on the same page.

As far as what he really prefers, that is an answer that has to come from him.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

His lovely daughter shares her favorite method of handling when he clams up is to change subjects. It works in that it doesn't feel like there is tensio

Yes, maybe micro-baby steps are the way to go. Have a tiny thing planned which is quite mild, but might leave a hint of what could come next.