JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[Iceprincess12]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

 

[done_got_old]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

double scam

 

[kcRollins]

Quite offensive

I didn't find this offensive at all I laughed my butt off. And the AIDS one ...omg too funny, but what a brilliant woman

lol @ the taxi driver

I really needed these laughs today. Thx

 

[Iceprincess12]

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS3KTK1wXnqvC1mwknMnRWCNDrrUcmn4j4X9nOXJ4VhfiEn9TNNVQ

 

[done_got_old]

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"​

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

 

[artgorden]

Whats the best part about banging a Brown's fan?

She's not expecting a ring any time soon.

 

[AbsintheFather]

Quite offensive



A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

This cracked me up.

I'm glad I found this thread

 

[AbsintheFather]

An elderly man, accompanied by his wife of fifty years, walk into the man's medical appointment together. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that his wife turns to the him and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

[AbsintheFather]

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

 

[done_got_old]

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

 

[kcRollins]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know,some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

 

[done_got_old]

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.
Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."

 

[done_got_old]

This is an old one....

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and the wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"

 

[done_got_old]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant.

After scrutinizing the group the Maitre D says "I'm sorry......


(wait for it.....)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


You can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

[done_got_old]

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. It's okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you actually are.

5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. There's a lot less guilt the morning after.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

 

[done_got_old]

A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

[done_got_old]

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.

For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

 

[done_got_old]

Consuelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Consuelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

 

[Iceprincess12]

Old one but I have to tell it again since I posted it in politics

Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete falls off, who's left?

 

[wildchild24143]

Anyone got anything new?

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Techie joke:

Two antenna's get married. Those invited thought the wedding itself was boring.

But the reception was AWESOME!

 

[albertaboy]

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"​

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

That one is pretty funny

 

[AverageGary]

Maria is a devout Catholic:

She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her second husband.

Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband ?"

The priest says, " I mean her legs."

 

[Iceprincess12]

http://image.slidesharecdn.com/sillyjokesyourkidswilllove-150918161359-lva1-app6891/95/silly-jokes-your-kids-will-love-3-638.jpg?cb=1442592893F

 

[thebeesknees]

Seems a man and his lady were lying in bed having just completed a passionate round of sex when she reached over and started to massage his balls " that feels great, I really love it when you do that". She smiled back at him and said yes I used to really enjoy that too!!!