Lover with Masochistic tendencies puts on breaks

[Eyesopen1012]

Thoroughly confused. I'm dating someone that I really care about and want to continue exploring his BDSM side.

1) So he showed me his elaborate set of toys and they are now in my home
2) We had a first play session and he said he liked it. Everything that I saw during it, said he really liked paddling. It was fun for me too.
3) When I ask about trying something else, he says he is not ready.

I'm having a hard time not taking it personally as it seemed like he was opening up and now the door is shut. When I ask why he says, "Because I am not ready". It was left at he will bring it up when ready. The attitude is a turn off.

What he really likes is caning.

 

[mLa2123000195]

I read a couple of your posts and still can't figure out if you're a guy. Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with it.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

While your frustration, at face value, may make sense to you, I'm finding it hard to grasp why " not being ready " is a " turn off ". If you are in the position of control, a huge part of that is listening to feedback and taking appropriate action as the situation demands. Overzealousness is just as likely to kill a relationship as neglect, and him not being ready to proceed shouldn't be looked at as a negative thing. My guess is you are taking it bit too personally and perhaps misinterpreting him, but it could be something else entirely.

Most I know ( including myself ) advocate communication above all else, this is key to understanding and reacting accordingly in any relationship. Sit down with him and have an open discussion without preconceived notions or unfounded resentment, that is the only way you can find out exactly where he is coming from, while at the same time voicing your own opinions and concerns. Regardless of how many toys or what types of kinks people are in to, you still have to put in the time to build up trust to make them comfortable with you, often times this means going slow and even taking breaks from play if needed.

You say you really care about this person? Then you should have little trouble having a real dialogue about this and figuring out what exactly is going on. If you are not and instead choose to be frustrated and raw about his hesitation, that is a different matter entirely, one that is less about him and more about you. I hope you can figure this out and continue moving forward.

 

[SpunThings]

You can't do anything without his consent. Replace BDSM with sex, and do you see the problem with your response? Do you want him to do something just because you want it, even if it makes him uncomfortable or violated? Respect his limits.

With that said, I totally understand the frustration of him not being willing to discuss what is going on in his head. It's reasonable of you to want more answers. It's also reasonable of him to not want to give you those answers. You have to decide if you want to continue with what he's given you, or if it's not enough. This is about compatibility, not who is right or wrong.

I've seen it said by others that you can only go as fast as the slowest partner. It's pretty apt.

 

[MastersDelight]

Thoroughly confused. I'm dating someone that I really care about and want to continue exploring his BDSM side.

1) So he showed me his elaborate set of toys and they are now in my home
2) We had a first play session and he said he liked it. Everything that I saw during it, said he really liked paddling. It was fun for me too.
3) When I ask about trying something else, he says he is not ready.

I'm having a hard time not taking it personally as it seemed like he was opening up and now the door is shut. When I ask why he says, "Because I am not ready". It was left at he will bring it up when ready. The attitude is a turn off.

What he really likes is caning.

The bold part there concerns me. Everything that you SAW says he likes paddling. Did he actually SAY, without the sexual pressure and heat of the moment, that he liked the paddling? It can be hard to read someone's body language sometimes, even if you know them well some signals are very subtle. Unless he actually says, with his mouth and own voice, with his clothes on that he liked something, don't just assume, it can harm your relationship and his trust if you do.

As for the rest, you can't make him do something he doesn't want, as Spun said above, that's an issue of consent. I don't think we really have enough information to be of help. How long have you been together? How many times have you played together? How long has it been since the paddling? Is he open to discussion or does he dodge the topic? Are you experienced as a PYL or is he your first? Is he an experienced pyl? Does he have a past trauma that would possibly have been triggered by your scene?

Without more background all I can offer is try to sit down like adults, with your clothes on maybe over coffee, and see if he'll just talk, and you just listen.

And try not to take it so personally. Usually these battles are internal.

 

[MastersDelight]

I read a couple of your posts and still can't figure out if you're a guy. Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with it.

It doesn't matter if the OP is male or female, their gender won't change the type of advice they seek here.

 

[cookiecat]

I remember your post from a week or so ago. This comes to mind:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=80751660&postcount=5

Mostly because you chose to point out the difference in your personalities... This, along with the personal emergencies you alluded to in that last thread -- could this be stopping him??

I'm with everyone else -- you have to talk to him without any pressure. Clearly he wants to do this. He has the toys. Maybe tell him you don't want them in your house if he's unwilling to even talk to you about it?

Are you having vanilla sex? Is everything else in your relationship the same except for this?

 

[mLa2123000195]

It doesn't matter if the OP is male or female, their gender won't change the type of advice they seek here.

She's bored with the relationship then. Is that your solution? What are you wearing, a smile?

 

[MastersDelight]

She's bored with the relationship then. Is that your solution? What are you wearing, a smile?

This board is for information. People who are new or seeking advice come here to feel safe and have their questions answered. We want them to feel welcome enough to seek help if they need it. Your continued trolling and less than helpful or welcoming posts are hurting this board. Other than people who post there are lurkers who may read these threads too. If you have nothing meaningful to contribute, then go back to the cafe. Thanks.

 

[mLa2123000195]

An expert! I didn't need two.

 

[Mrtenant]

An expert! I didn't need two.

Sounds like a roomful of experts wouldn't be enough for you.

 

[MastersDelight]

An expert! I didn't need two.

Ugh. I forgot, feed a troll and they just shit everywhere. Well, no more food from me. I'll put you on ignore (be proud it's pretty exclusive) until you get bored in a couple weeks and move on.

 

[mLa2123000195]

This board is for information. People who are new or seeking advice come here to feel safe and have their questions answered. We want them to feel welcome enough to seek help if they need it.

I don't always agree with you.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

Thank you for all the feedback. Yes, communication is key. Yes, there was strong communication and then went silent.

Someone asked if I am a man or woman. I'm a woman who works mostly with men. A techy.

His adult daughter and I are becoming friends and she shared that he is a private person who sometimes is not ready to talk. Her favorite technique is to switch subjects and keep it comfortable until he is ready to talk.

Yes, the sex life is still really awesome in the places we started. The mix of caring for him and his numerous skills make it earth rocking. He is very sexy and irresistible to me.

He has since shared that sometimes he finds masochistic tendencies to be irresistible and and other times to not have appeal. He says that it has lost appeal right now due to knowing he will be loosing his 16 year job via a company merger. I'm not sure why that was hard to say for him, but it was....

When I said that I observed him really liking the paddling, it was the intensity of his orgasm that followed. It was the strongest one seen to date.

We recently attended a show and I was holding his hand. There was a scene with a spanking scenario and his pulse quickened A LOT.

Yes, I do hear that I can take too many things personally. He has pursued this interest for over 15 years. It is a part of him. I have a core belief in sexual exclusivity that to ask to be exclusive, we also agree to meet their needs. Something he has needed before isn't happening with me and I am sad because I want to have those experiences with him.

In the past, he offered to share a photo of himself after a caning. It came with the warning, "You can't unsee it". I chose to not see it and instead have comfortable baby steps. If masochists desire specific pain, maybe I haven't gone near his sweet spot.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

We haven't used the "L" word, yet. There is definitely affection and feel very much a part of his life. When he mentions future things, he is starting to include me in those plans.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

Lastly, assuming a position of control was a work in progress. It was one heavily researched experience, but a first.....

 

[SpunThings]

Losing interest in things you normally love is a common sign of depression. I'm not saying he is depressed, but stress is often a trigger. Losing your job can be pretty stressful. Something to think about.

 

[MastersDelight]

Thank you for all the feedback. Yes, communication is key. Yes, there was strong communication and then went silent.

Someone asked if I am a man or woman. I'm a woman who works mostly with men. A techy.

His adult daughter and I are becoming friends and she shared that he is a private person who sometimes is not ready to talk. Her favorite technique is to switch subjects and keep it comfortable until he is ready to talk.

Yes, the sex life is still really awesome in the places we started. The mix of caring for him and his numerous skills make it earth rocking. He is very sexy and irresistible to me.

He has since shared that sometimes he finds masochistic tendencies to be irresistible and and other times to not have appeal. He says that it has lost appeal right now due to knowing he will be loosing his 16 year job via a company merger. I'm not sure why that was hard to say for him, but it was....

When I said that I observed him really liking the paddling, it was the intensity of his orgasm that followed. It was the strongest one seen to date.

We recently attended a show and I was holding his hand. There was a scene with a spanking scenario and his pulse quickened A LOT.

Yes, I do hear that I can take too many things personally. He has pursued this interest for over 15 years. It is a part of him. I have a core belief in sexual exclusivity that to ask to be exclusive, we also agree to meet their needs. Something he has needed before isn't happening with me and I am sad because I want to have those experiences with him.

In the past, he offered to share a photo of himself after a caning. It came with the warning, "You can't unsee it". I chose to not see it and instead have comfortable baby steps. If masochists desire specific pain, maybe I haven't gone near his sweet spot.

I'm so glad you've come back to update us. Thank you .

He sounds like the stress has worn on him, which can be a huge mood killer. If he's naturally quiet and likes to talk about things in his own time respect that. Sometimes pushing someone like that makes them close up more rather than communicate more. Just let him know you're there to listen and ease that stress.

Being able to read and gauge him like that is wonderful. Reading physical cues can be difficult for some. But always check in verbally too. I can have very intense orgasms from a dragons tail, but they are my least favorite implement. Cuming to something I don't particularly like is a huge mind fuck for me and can give my Top the wrong idea about what I like and don't like because my physical is sending a different message than my mind. Talk about scenes after so that you both have a better idea of each others mind space. It doesn't have to be right after, but within a few days at least.

As a masochist I can say that yes, certain types of pain are more appealing than others. I like heavy floggers, belts, galley whip, and punching. But everyone is different.

 

[Eyesopen1012]

Thank you.... Think there will be another time down the road... It's just taking a nap right now.