What did you do?

[gracie920101]

I'm not looking to twist anyone's knickers over semantics of marriage, partnership,commitment etc. but inquiring minds want to know...

In your opinion, what do you think is an easier/less effort?/more desirable transition:

To move from a D/s lifestyle to full-time commitment/marriage or full-time commitment/marriage to D/s?

What has been your experience?

 

[Blue]

You seem to be saying that D/s and committed relationships are mutually exclusive...?

They're not...

 

[FurryFury]

I think it's easier to start with your sexual orientation than to realize it late in life and relationship.

 

[MastersDelight]

For us we were married then began to explore BDSM, then moved into a D/s relationship. I understand we are not the norm.

Had I been single when I had put a word to my desires I would have pursued a D/s then marriage. But the approach to finding a D/s partner isn't much different than dating without the kink.

 

[Primalex]

I'm not looking to twist anyone's knickers over semantics of marriage, partnership,commitment etc. but inquiring minds want to know...

In your opinion, what do you think is an easier/less effort?/more desirable transition:

To move from a D/s lifestyle to full-time commitment/marriage or full-time commitment/marriage to D/s?

What has been your experience?

I think there are much more requirements for a stable long term relationship than for a fulfilling D/s relationship and that the traits that require a stable long term relationship are much more set in stone than those for a D/s relationship. There is no way to come to a compromise on whether to have kids or not for example.

Therefore, in my opinion, it is technically easier to add D/s to a stable relationship than it is to add a stable relationship to a D/s situation.

The problem though is that you need much more time to figure out if someone is compatible for a long term relationship than for bedroom compatibility.


My dating advice, although none was requested, would be to get rid off all the contrived filters and wishlist checklists that are used to weed out humans that don't seem to match.

 

[SalvDali]

We were married for 13 years before we discovered BDSM. D/s is something we are just starting. For me that transition was intimidating until after the first successful session. It was so amazing to see how it affected her though that I feel myself being sucked in and am constantly dreaming up things to do to her next

 

[gracie920101]

I've realized I should add my own response to this thread.

After a couple of failed marriages I met my current husband and was immediately drawn to his dominating take-charge personality. As fascinated as I was, it still took me 7 years to say yes after being so badly burned before.

We've spent the past 15 years in down and dirty, literally trying to kill each other, vanilla sex with occasional forays into bondage and role play. Now we're exploring D/s after much discussion about how submissive I am in the bedroom and find we both are really happy with the addition to our lives.

So I have to vote for having a committed relationship then transitioning to the lifestyle is easier because the trust is already present in the relationship.

But I will say after only 9 months, I feel the trust between us has further deepened and our communication is stronger than ever.

 

[gracie920101]

You seem to be saying that D/s and committed relationships are mutually exclusive...?

They're not...

Sorry,

Exactly the response I was trying to avoid with my first sentence. I was hoping to focus on the question about transitioning not defining an exact relationship.

 

[gracie920101]

I think there are much more requirements for a stable long term relationship than for a fulfilling D/s relationship and that the traits that require a stable long term relationship are much more set in stone than those for a D/s relationship. There is no way to come to a compromise on whether to have kids or not for example.

Therefore, in my opinion, it is technically easier to add D/s to a stable relationship than it is to add a stable relationship to a D/s situation.

The problem though is that you need much more time to figure out if someone is compatible for a long term relationship than for bedroom compatibility.


My dating advice, although none was requested, would be to get rid off all the contrived filters and wishlist checklists that are used to weed out humans that don't seem to match.

Thank you Sir, I think you raise a valid point about time requirements, not to mention the legalities involved if compatibility fails.

 

[gracie920101]

For us we were married then began to explore BDSM, then moved into a D/s relationship. I understand we are not the norm.

Had I been single when I had put a word to my desires I would have pursued a D/s then marriage. But the approach to finding a D/s partner isn't much different than dating without the kink.

I've never been accused of being in the norm either!

 

[MeekMe]

I'm not looking to twist anyone's knickers over semantics of marriage, partnership,commitment etc. but inquiring minds want to know...

In your opinion, what do you think is an easier/less effort?/more desirable transition:

To move from a D/s lifestyle to full-time commitment/marriage or full-time commitment/marriage to D/s?

What has been your experience?

In my opinion relationships are just not "easy." Even in the best of relationships there's still work to put in. You put work into family relations, friends and lovers. It requires work to maintain all of that.

I can't say if it's better to start with one and move to the other. I've seen examples of both working out great and falling apart.

In my experience, I got married and later found what I thought would be best for me. The transition started taking place, and that was great but not sustainable. It didn't work out as I had hoped it would, but we have come to a compromise. Which takes a lot of work.

It's as hard as the people involved make it.

 

[gracie920101]

Just want to say to a certain guy from TX, it's ok to post in the thread instead of a pm. I'm new to the forums also and have yet to find anyone that bites. (Dammit!)

But it can be interesting to interact with a group, so break out of that shell and speak up! Others may be interested in your opinion too.

 

[malefica]

I've always gone into relationships involving kink right from the start. Hell, I mention kink on my dating profile so then people don't get blindsided by it.

 

[Netzach]

Orientation first. For me, being in a vanilla rel. was like being in a relationship with a completely straight girl - no matter how fabulous she may be, there's always going to be an impasse.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

For my part, I've been in just about every kind relationship there is, outside of marriage. So I'm not much of an authority on that matter except from an outsider's point of view. The one reacurring theme throughout, is that I found someone that I clicked with from the start, both in terms of personality as well as physical compatability. I've never not been up front about how I approach sex, so that tended to attract only those that possessed similar tastes. So, whether it was casual and fleeting, or serious and game changing, it all started from a D/s base to some extent.

Like Consilience said, they aren't mutually exclusive. Both are entirely possible, but if I had to choose one over the other/which I think would be " easier ", I'd say being in a D/s relationship that moves into commitment/marriage would just be a logical progression. This is based purely on the stories and conversations I've had with others. There are far more instances of established couples stumbling and having issues moving into bdsm, than vice versa. Read through the threads, the writing is literally on the wall. Altering the dynamic of a relationship away from traditional means and what is regarded as " normal ", takes a lot of work and communication. But, if you are already owned/willingly belong to someone, body and soul, there would be little changed by making it " official ". The only hard part about the latter, is finding it, and not letting it get away. Ever.

 

[PaxNurgle]

Finding a D/s dating partner is easier for some than others- if you are submissive and male, it is much harder to find a partner than if you were submissive and female or (particularly) dominant and female, for instance. A lot of that is simple demographics; the way the numbers work out. I have submissive kinks/fetishes and would want to lean that way in a relationship, but I am resigned to finding a "vanilla" partner and suppressing these urges in our relationship. Because at the end of the day, companionship, love, mutual sharing of each other's lives- these things are equally important to me, and non-mainstream sexual kinks are one thing I would be willing to sacrifice in order to create a committed loving relationship.

I would certainly never press my girlfriend/wife to be my dream domme, or 'top' me, if that just isn't her thing. And the odds are that whoever I date, that probably WONT be her thing.

 

[NoeMasks]

I am no expert, but I have delt with people from all spectrums of the BDSM community. I would say some are not the marrying kind, others are. I know D/s partners that have been exclusive for years, if you ask them about it, they say, "We have a better relationship than most marriages."

Now like Vanilla Relationships, you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your mate, from there communication takes over, ask each other questions and listen to the answers. Just like in Vanilla not everyone wants to get married for "pick your reason" or do want to get married for "pick your reason."

You would think, that D/s relationship would lead naturally towards marriage but often the BDSM relationship started after or during the Vanilla marriage/long term relationship, and then once bitten twice shy seems to come into effect.

 

[gracie920101]

For my part, I've been in just about every kind relationship there is, outside of marriage. So I'm not much of an authority on that matter except from an outsider's point of view. The one reacurring theme throughout, is that I found someone that I clicked with from the start, both in terms of personality as well as physical compatability. I've never not been up front about how I approach sex, so that tended to attract only those that possessed similar tastes. So, whether it was casual and fleeting, or serious and game changing, it all started from a D/s base to some extent.

Like Consilience said, they aren't mutually exclusive. Both are entirely possible, but if I had to choose one over the other/which I think would be " easier ", I'd say being in a D/s relationship that moves into commitment/marriage would just be a logical progression. This is based purely on the stories and conversations I've had with others. There are far more instances of established couples stumbling and having issues moving into bdsm, than vice versa. Read through the threads, the writing is literally on the wall. Altering the dynamic of a relationship away from traditional means and what is regarded as " normal ", takes a lot of work and communication. But, if you are already owned/willingly belong to someone, body and soul, there would be little changed by making it " official ". The only hard part about the latter, is finding it, and not letting it get away. Ever.

Your last 2 sentences say it all.

 

[desertslave]

I think it's easier to start with your sexual orientation than to realize it late in life and relationship.

I've done both. I think it's much easier to have common sexual/kink grounds first, and let that evolve into a committed relationship than to try to morph a vanilla relationship into a kink one. BUT I'll say that my experiences are entirely subjective and not at all some sort of standardization. I think it depends hugely on the level of closeness/communication that the couple has.