Thoughts on seduction to bdsm

[Farawyn]

Call me curious Hulkster, but I'm a bit confused by the whole " take over her mind and build trust " statement, seems like a bit of an oxymoron. How can one " take " someone's will, yet build trust at the same time? Perhaps you meant earn? I don't know, elaborate.

I don't believe that I approach BDSM any differently than I would a " normal " ( whatever the fuck that is ) relationship. If I'm interested in someone, I talk to them, find out what they like, what they don't, see if we are compatable. As for putting on a show of supreme confidence or demonstrating that I will protect them as a way to seduce a woman, I can't say I agree with that either. I'd far rather she came to those conclusions on her own as opposed to me demanding she holds a certain image of me, don't think I've ever met anyone worth a damn that would just go along with something like that. Plus, women can smell posers from a mile away.

But hey, whatever makes you happy, Soul

"This^"

 

[Charismata]

This is probably one of the most sensible and realistic comments I've seen from anyone on this site about BDSM specifically and about relationships in general. I've submitted to my share of experienced Doms. Not one of them took anything from me that I had not already expressed a willingness and a deep desire to give. D/s, when done right is a matter of exchanging one thing for another. I give him my trust, he gives me his attention. I open my soul, he fills it with those things I long for. He will always respect my limits while constantly working to expand them and we will both celebrate the milestones on our path as places we've come to together.

 

[CutieMouse]

I am a very dominant man but I enjoy romance as well. I like taking possession but don't want to humiliate who I am with.

In my opinion in order to seduce a woman into bdsm you have to take over her mind and build trust. When the time is right you demand what you want with supreme confidence and make her feel like you're her protector.

Just my opinion anyone else care to share.

And I'm sitting here wondering how one knows how to "take possession" without "humiliating" (what if she likes a little humility with her sex?), seduces AND builds trust... without having some basic conversations about what each other likes in bed?

I mean, it doesn't have to be formulaic (yes, see, first you have to do X cor 3.6 minutes, then move on to Y - but only if I say so, not before!), but I've found most successful kinky relationships at least establish the basics. Lay broad guidelines, if you will.

If someone hadn't done the work to get to know me, including a general conversation to know where I like things to go [in bed and out].... "demanding" would be met with laughter. Supreme confidence or not.

I also don't need protection. I'm a grown woman, not a delicate little flower.*

Hello haven't met you before. I go by SA, Soul or Hulk on lit.

I wanted to know what are your requirements for submission to a dominant male ? If you are submissive I assumed you were.

A compatible lover. The description of which depends on what I'm looking for in a relationship, but generally has far more to do with what we have in common and what he's like outside of kink, than anything else.

Understandable the women who I have dominated were my lover and my submissive. I never planned anything out just took control and led her. Eventually through my actions and words they became more willing to do anything I want.

I don't do kink outside of established relationships either... and?

We don't "plan scenes" (although some do and there's nothing wrong with that), and do lean towards the spontaneous, but that doesn't mean we went from meeting through OKCupid to hot 'n heavy without discussing what we each wanted from a D/s based relationship.

Do I offer him more control, the longer the relationship goes on? Of course - I know him better a year down the road than I did when we first started, and I'll know him better a year from now. It has less to do with "his words and actions" and more to do with my comfort.

I can also think of a lot of things a dominant might want, that any sane submissive would refuse to do no matter what his words and actions were.














*I may have actually admitted to being a delicate little flower when camping [first time ever] 9,000 feet up a mountain in Colorado... but that's only because it was cold. And wet. And Colorado lacks AIR.

 

[Que]

I talk to everyone. Only those conversations that veered sexual and led to discussing specific likes and found that we meshed, ended up trying each other on.

For me it was about meeting people and discovering, incidental to meeting them, that they happen to dig my brand of kink.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

I'm monogamous too .

We always had a little rougher sex (holding me down, dirty talk, light bondage, etc.). When we started exploring BDSM we talked to see what we would be interested in trying, what we didn't, and what we were interested in but scared to try. We researched, so we could play safely, then compared notes. Within what my Master likes, I have no more hard limits. I do scene with others sometimes. My Master must approve and be present. We always negotiate with the other Top together so no boundaries are crossed and he can shoot something down if he doesn't like it. I would NEVER do ANYTHING BDSM related without negotiation, for my own safety. I don't scene with Tops I've never seen do a scene before with someone else. I don't scene with a Top that can't provide me reliable references. I don't scene with a Top who isn't ok with my Master being present for the entire scene. He's my failsafe, he knows when something is wrong and can end things if he feels my safety is compromised. I don't scene with a Top who doesn't have his own witness to protect himself if things don't go according to plan.

Definitely like the experience you're sharing.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

Before we even knew we were into his taking on the role of a dominant, and me a sub, we still negotiated and discussed what we liked. In retrospect he always took the lead in introducing something new. That wasn't without talking about it with our pants on first. We have solidified that dynamic over time. Now, when it comes to sex and intimacy, he says and I do.

We negotiate every aspect to our relationship. Most people do in some way. Is this a fling, long term? Do we live apart or move in together? Who pays for dates? What social gatherings do we go together? Do we keep our bank accounts separate?

Why should sex be different? What if you meet someone who is dominant in the bedroom, but doesn't know the word to communicate it? How do you deal with that power struggle?

Thank you this is enlightening

 

[SoulAssasin247]

Call me curious Hulkster, but I'm a bit confused by the whole " take over her mind and build trust " statement, seems like a bit of an oxymoron. How can one " take " someone's will, yet build trust at the same time? Perhaps you meant earn? I don't know, elaborate.

I don't believe that I approach BDSM any differently than I would a " normal " ( whatever the fuck that is ) relationship. If I'm interested in someone, I talk to them, find out what they like, what they don't, see if we are compatable. As for putting on a show of supreme confidence or demonstrating that I will protect them as a way to seduce a woman, I can't say I agree with that either. I'd far rather she came to those conclusions on her own as opposed to me demanding she holds a certain image of me, don't think I've ever met anyone worth a damn that would just go along with something like that. Plus, women can smell posers from a mile away.

But hey, whatever makes you happy, Soul

Take over mind and build trust.

I mean when you get to know them. When you speak they love your words and you back everything you say with actions. Show her your strength. She is puddy in your hands and is willing to do anything for you and she trusts you will do everything to protect her. She believes you will never hurt her.

There's no façade she believes me because I an confident it's no show. I will protect her she is mine no show. If you pretend women will see right threw you. They believe me because I am 100% real no bs.

 

[Que]

I taught I saw a puddy tat.

. . .I'm easily distracted.

I forgot what the thread title put in mind of. I have found that a modest tug on a fistful of hair to be a fairly reliable indicator of kink acceptance. Obviously, one has to be fairly engaged in some sort of depth of interaction before that even makes sense.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

And I'm sitting here wondering how one knows how to "take possession" without "humiliating" (what if she likes a little humility with her sex?), seduces AND builds trust... without having some basic conversations about what each other likes in bed?

I mean, it doesn't have to be formulaic (yes, see, first you have to do X cor 3.6 minutes, then move on to Y - but only if I say so, not before!), but I've found most successful kinky relationships at least establish the basics. Lay broad guidelines, if you will.

If someone hadn't done the work to get to know me, including a general conversation to know where I like things to go [in bed and out].... "demanding" would be met with laughter. Supreme confidence or not.

I also don't need protection. I'm a grown woman, not a delicate little flower.*



A compatible lover. The description of which depends on what I'm looking for in a relationship, but generally has far more to do with what we have in common and what he's like outside of kink, than anything else.



I don't do kink outside of established relationships either... and?

We don't "plan scenes" (although some do and there's nothing wrong with that), and do lean towards the spontaneous, but that doesn't mean we went from meeting through OKCupid to hot 'n heavy without discussing what we each wanted from a D/s based relationship.

Do I offer him more control, the longer the relationship goes on? Of course - I know him better a year down the road than I did when we first started, and I'll know him better a year from now. It has less to do with "his words and actions" and more to do with my comfort.

I can also think of a lot of things a dominant might want, that any sane submissive would refuse to do no matter what his words and actions were.














*I may have actually admitted to being a delicate little flower when camping [first time ever] 9,000 feet up a mountain in Colorado... but that's only because it was cold. And wet. And Colorado lacks AIR.

Take possession without humiliation starts way before. Implanting possession romantically over and over. Good morning my beautiful. In Spanish mi Bella, mi chula, mi riena. Letting her know she is yours. During sex when I start fucking her hard and she's lost in ecstasy you talking breathing heavy talking " who's pussy is that? Say it louder? ". Command her when she's in heat lusting hoping to cum again if you're confident she will listen. Outside the bedroom I want her to be free I don't call her my little sexy bitch etc etc. Those are only during sex.

The timing is when you know you're fucking her well by watching her body you see the signs to take over when you pull her hair and she moans, hold her hands down etc.etc.

My woman now doesn't like talking about sex she just enjoys action. I gave a deep voice, I am a big burly man and women want me to take over

 

[MyNameIsNO]

Yes. The jagged edges of both involved have to fit.

So happy that saying is catching on

 

[LadyVer]

What exactly does taking over her mind entail?

 

[CutieMouse]

Take possession without humiliation starts way before. Implanting possession romantically over and over. Good morning my beautiful. In Spanish mi Bella, mi chula, mi riena. Letting her know she is yours. During sex when I start fucking her hard and she's lost in ecstasy you talking breathing heavy talking " who's pussy is that? Say it louder? ". Command her when she's in heat lusting hoping to cum again if you're confident she will listen. Outside the bedroom I want her to be free I don't call her my little sexy bitch etc etc. Those are only during sex.

The timing is when you know you're fucking her well by watching her body you see the signs to take over when you pull her hair and she moans, hold her hands down etc.etc.

My woman now doesn't like talking about sex she just enjoys action. I gave a deep voice, I am a big burly man and women want me to take over

Kinky fuckery. Gotcha.

Why do I get the vuage impression this is an ad?

 

[SoulAssasin247]

Kinky fuckery. Gotcha.

Why do I get the vuage impression this is an ad?

Yes you did lol.

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

Love your thread SA, I like the way you think. It arouses me greatly.

Sam xx

 

[Bramblethorn]

In my opinion in order to seduce a woman into bdsm you have to take over her mind and build trust. When the time is right you demand what you want with supreme confidence and make her feel like you're her protector.

My sample size of what ? Experiences? People? Personal life or on lit ?

Sample size, as in how many relationships of that kind have you experienced? 'cos a lot of folk trip over the gap between "all my relationships have looked like this" and "all everybody's relationships look like this".

For example - there are a lot of dominant women in BDSM. I suspect most would not fit into the pattern you've described there!

Even for submissive/masochist women, it's not a universal truth. I've known some ladies who loved being tied up or spanked in the bedroom, but were fiercely independent outside that context. (At least, independent of me; a couple already had a partner who filled a "protector" role, so they weren't looking for that from me.)

You mentioned trust, and I think that's an important component of almost any BDSM relationship. It goes both ways, too - I wouldn't hurt somebody if I didn't trust them to let me know when they needed me to stop.

"Take over her mind", OTOH... yes absolutely as part of D&S play, but it's not something I'd expect to take into other aspects of the relationship. I'd prefer somebody with a mind of their own.

I have never been in a situation like that before. I just take over when I am in a relationship. When we're having sex dominance comes out and she always loves it. I have never been in a relationship where these talks existed. Ionly have been in serious monogamous relationships or one night stands.

In my experience... there are times when BDSM is a near-telepathic experience, and I can intuitively read my partner to know just the right thing to do. I'll know that if I use these particular words, or touch her like that, I can make her melt.

But that doesn't cover everything. Sometimes we need to talk about stuff, like "I panic if someone has their hands on both sides of my throat at once" or "these are my safe-sex rules" or "this is what I expect of you if you're breaking a date".

 

[Primalex]

For me, "seducing" is the act of coaxing someone with persuasions, solicitations, and promises:"You will be safe, trust me. Now spread your cheeks." Using romantic words for the process like "take over her mind" doesn't change much in my opinion, although it works for some cunts, as can be seen here.

I can't be bothered to "seduce someone to BDSM".

*shrugs*

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

For me, "seducing" is the act of coaxing someone with persuasions, solicitations, and promises:"You will be safe, trust me. Now spread your cheeks." Using romantic words for the process like "take over her mind" doesn't change much in my opinion, although it works for some cunts, as can be seen here.

I can't be bothered to "seduce someone to BDSM".

*shrugs*

So, you really are a dick?

 

[Primalex]

So, you really are a dick?

(countable, Britain, US, vulgar, slang, pejorative) A highly contemptible person.

Yes, in more ways than you imagine.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

(countable, Britain, US, vulgar, slang, pejorative) A highly contemptible person.

Yes, in more ways than you imagine.

good
I like poking the bear.

 

[Primalex]

good
I like poking the bear.

I'll give you a call if I should ever have the desire to flirt with a fat chick.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'll give you a call if I should ever have the desire to flirt with a fat chick.

whoa, there, Sparky!
Back it up.
Let's start off with first, fat chick or not, I wouldn't give you the time of Day in anything remotely resembling a sexual context.

And I'm cracking up that you can't take a light-hearted poke every now and again.

You *sometimes* have useful things say, so I respect you for that, but the fact that you immediately jumped to my weight as a derogatory, honestly says more about you that I could possibly come up with.

Lighten the fuck up, PrimoDomo...

 

[Primalex]

You *sometimes* have useful things say, so I respect you for that, but the fact that you immediately jumped to my weight as a derogatory, honestly says more about you that I could possibly come up with.

Good, I really don't want more confused people, who think their posting capability alone would be enough to put them in a position to "poke the bear".

 

[SoulAssasin247]

Sample size, as in how many relationships of that kind have you experienced? 'cos a lot of folk trip over the gap between "all my relationships have looked like this" and "all everybody's relationships look like this".

For example - there are a lot of dominant women in BDSM. I suspect most would not fit into the pattern you've described there!

Even for submissive/masochist women, it's not a universal truth. I've known some ladies who loved being tied up or spanked in the bedroom, but were fiercely independent outside that context. (At least, independent of me; a couple already had a partner who filled a "protector" role, so they weren't looking for that from me.)

You mentioned trust, and I think that's an important component of almost any BDSM relationship. It goes both ways, too - I wouldn't hurt somebody if I didn't trust them to let me know when they needed me to stop.

"Take over her mind", OTOH... yes absolutely as part of D&S play, but it's not something I'd expect to take into other aspects of the relationship. I'd prefer somebody with a mind of their own.



In my experience... there are times when BDSM is a near-telepathic experience, and I can intuitively read my partner to know just the right thing to do. I'll know that if I use these particular words, or touch her like that, I can make her melt.

But that doesn't cover everything. Sometimes we need to talk about stuff, like "I panic if someone has their hands on both sides of my throat at once" or "these are my safe-sex rules" or "this is what I expect of you if you're breaking a date".

..I am 35 now at 23 was my first (Rape Role Play) I didn't realize what was happening when she was saying no no. I pulled away asking are you OK. She pulled me closer started moaning louder giving me the Fuck This Pussy Hard look. Since then it took a year to understand because of my look, height, deep voice, tough in my personal life attitude that all woman wanted yearned for my dominant side. Since 24 I can't count how many.

As far as hurting somebody take gradual force and read body language. When I was 21 tried to be dominant to fulfill a fantasy but wasn't happening. I didn't know or understand how. When I had my first truly dominant moment I learned a lot from fucking multiple times a day experimenting. She never wanted to tell me how to do anything so I tried and learned how much force is acceptable. I read their bodies if she looks like she could benefit from more force I use it. If she seems in real pain I ease up. I don't pull her hair and throw her from one side of the room to the other. I play with her hair she enjoys it I grab her hair she moans I command her to tell me how it feels as I take control and read her body.

 

[MastersDelight]

..I am 35 now at 23 was my first (Rape Role Play) I didn't realize what was happening when she was saying no no. I pulled away asking are you OK. She pulled me closer started moaning louder giving me the Fuck This Pussy Hard look. Since then it took a year to understand because of my look, height, deep voice, tough in my personal life attitude that all woman wanted yearned for my dominant side. Since 24 I can't count how many.

As far as hurting somebody take gradual force and read body language. When I was 21 tried to be dominant to fulfill a fantasy but wasn't happening. I didn't know or understand how. When I had my first truly dominant moment I learned a lot from fucking multiple times a day experimenting. She never wanted to tell me how to do anything so I tried and learned how much force is acceptable. I read their bodies if she looks like she could benefit from more force I use it. If she seems in real pain I ease up. I don't pull her hair and throw her from one side of the room to the other. I play with her hair she enjoys it I grab her hair she moans I command her to tell me how it feels as I take control and read her body.

That clarifies things more thank you.

Rough sex and things like that don't really need any talking as you say, most men can just read their girl and go from there. The talking and negotiation I mentioned was more for impact scenes. For me, I'm a masochist and a pain slut. So scenes can be dangerous if there's no discussion of limits. Most of our scenes include floggers, whips, canes, belts, dragon tails, punching, pinching, slapping, choking or breath play, sensory deprivation, cutting, knife play, to name a few things. Master is still learning some things so he's careful and feedback from me is important for increasing his skill and maintaining my safety. A friend Top of ours I scene with from time to time is more experienced and therefore is far less reserved in his Sadism in a scene. We talked EXTENSIVELY before he ever chained me up and the negotiation continued right up to the start of the scene, giving me the chance to veto any implements he had brought before we started.

Going back to what you had said, Con non con (rape play) is SO MUCH FUN. Master mentored it as a fantasy way back at the start of this BDSM fun. We played it out with little discussion on it. It's one of my favorite things to do now. And now I'll sprinkle it in spontaneously. He'll start initiating sex and I'll play hard to get and things just escalate. I'm really hoping one of these days well find an adequate play space to do a take down scene.

 

[CutieMouse]

I disagree... Rough sex/CNC is fine, but I'd be concerned about the risks involved in playing it by ear. Like I said earlier, the discussion doesn't necessarily have to be a blow-by-blow this is how we kink, but the conversation still (IMO) needs to be had for everyone's safety.

My current lover described himself as dominant and aggressive, his OKC ad was full of references that could be best described as primal. My OKC ad made it clear that I lean towards alternative relationships and traditional gender roles.

We still sat down and talked about what we were looking for (re: D/s). He wanted to make sure he had enthusiastic consent; I wanted to reassure him I wasn't someone who would regret things the next morning and file a rape report.

It was a 30 minute, very relaxed & friendly conversation; everything after that point developed organically. But that conversation established two things - 1) we were concerned for each other's safety, and 2) open, honest communication was important.

The above might not be as necessary if one is exploring kink for the first time within a long term, established relationship, but in a new relationship or when randomly dating? It's just smart kinkery.

(Again, personal opinion.)