Your feedback on my first "submission" will be greatly appreciated

[DonnaCarter]

Thank you for taking the time to read this thread. I am new to 'Literotica' and wrote the first chapter of a story about an experimental town where the traditional male and female roles in society are reversed. I would greatly appreciate any comments and suggestions that you might have for both this chapter and for future chapters I am planning to write.

Nature or Nurture Ch. 01: https://www.literotica.com/s/nature-or-nurture-ch-01

Thank you in advance for all of your help!

Donna

 

[PennLady]

Hi Donna.

Good luck with your story.

I'm not quite sure what to think of it, nor if I'd continue reading (but that's on me, not you), but I think you have an intriguing start.

I do feel like there's a lot of information thrown at me here, and it's hard to process, especially the names. I find it difficult to settle into a story when I'm introduced to a lot of characters and then some are right off given different names. And this on top of a mirror image of the gender roles in our society. It's not all necessarily a bad thing, it's just a lot to take in.

I wouldn't exactly advise that you slow down, but perhaps if you could find a way to show us the information, instead of telling us -- as with Mrs. Burroughs' speech -- it might work better.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I didn't read it, I likely wont read it because the subject has no appeal to me, and much else does. That is, I aint part of your reader niche.

 

[hadruprider]

As a story it is ok. It certainly won't appeal to some people, but there is in fact quite a genre of 'men in panties being dominated by women' if you look around this site.

There's just one thing missing from your story - there's really nothin erotic in it!
Presumably this will come in future chapters but it would have been better to include some hints in Ch 1 to encourage readers to stick with it.

 

[DonnaCarter]

Hi Donna.

Good luck with your story.

I'm not quite sure what to think of it, nor if I'd continue reading (but that's on me, not you), but I think you have an intriguing start.

I do feel like there's a lot of information thrown at me here, and it's hard to process, especially the names. I find it difficult to settle into a story when I'm introduced to a lot of characters and then some are right off given different names. And this on top of a mirror image of the gender roles in our society. It's not all necessarily a bad thing, it's just a lot to take in.

I wouldn't exactly advise that you slow down, but perhaps if you could find a way to show us the information, instead of telling us -- as with Mrs. Burroughs' speech -- it might work better.

Thank you very much for the best wishes and for giving me some input on how to improve the story as it goes along. I am especially attracted to your suggestion that I use the dialog to to describe things rather than just writing it as descriptive paragraphs. I am definitely going to give that a try.

 

[DonnaCarter]

There's just one thing missing from your story - there's really nothin erotic in it!
Presumably this will come in future chapters but it would have been better to include some hints in Ch 1 to encourage readers to stick with it.

I think that you are right about mixing some eroticism in from the beginning. Thank you for taking the time to point that out.

 

[Deipneus]

About halfway down the first page you write...

As they were waiting in line the guy behind Robert spoke in a low voice, "What a bunch of BS. When my fiancée asked me to do this I didn't have any idea that they would be trying to turn us all into a bunch of sissies.

Why not start the story there - give it a little background and develop the fiancée's motivation? Not necessarily the guy behind Robert, but Robert's fiancée. Why does she want this? What does she expect? How does Robert feel about it?

 

[Deipneus]

This would also give you the opportunity to work a little eroticism into the beginning of the story.

 

[DonnaCarter]

About halfway down the first page you write...

As they were waiting in line the guy behind Robert spoke in a low voice, "What a bunch of BS. When my fiancée asked me to do this I didn't have any idea that they would be trying to turn us all into a bunch of sissies.

Why not start the story there - give it a little background and develop the fiancée's motivation? Not necessarily the guy behind Robert, but Robert's fiancée. Why does she want this? What does she expect? How does Robert feel about it?

This would also give you the opportunity to work a little eroticism into the beginning of the story.

Those are excellent suggestions...and I'm going to take them. Thank you!

 

[Tigersman]

Feedback

I don't normally post negative comments but rather send them by PM to the authors, but since you asked for feedback, here goes. First, it's obvious you did not take the time or effort to proofread your story or you would have caught the obvious mistakes. Second, I found not only punctuation errors but wrong word usage errors. To prevent the wrong word usage errors, you should keep an old-fashion dictionary on hand, preferably 'Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary', so you can check not only the meaning of the word you want to use but make sure of the correct spelling. Third, it seems as though you were mixing up the genders. At times you referred to the males as he, his or him and at other times as she. If it should have been the males pronouns then you have a consistency problem.

It would help if before submitting your story you printed out a hard copy then slowly read over it so that you might catch the obvious errors. I would also suggest finding an editor who would check the plot and character development, spelling and word usage, punctuation and flow.

 

[hadruprider]

1. The he/she thing is clearly a deliberate part of the story.
2. If you are going to claim that something is full of errors it would be helpful to point some of them out.
3. It would be wise to make sure you avoid errors in your comment!

 

[Tigersman]

1. The he/she thing is clearly a deliberate part of the story.
2. If you are going to claim that something is full of errors it would be helpful to point some of them out.
3. It would be wise to make sure you avoid errors in your comment!

It would be wise for you to stick to the topic rather than attack or belittle a comment.

 

[DonnaCarter]

I don't normally post negative comments but rather send them by PM to the authors, but since you asked for feedback, here goes. First, it's obvious you did not take the time or effort to proofread your story or you would have caught the obvious mistakes. Second, I found not only punctuation errors but wrong word usage errors. To prevent the wrong word usage errors, you should keep an old-fashion dictionary on hand, preferably 'Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary', so you can check not only the meaning of the word you want to use but make sure of the correct spelling. Third, it seems as though you were mixing up the genders. At times you referred to the males as he, his or him and at other times as she. If it should have been the males pronouns then you have a consistency problem.

It would help if before submitting your story you printed out a hard copy then slowly read over it so that you might catch the obvious errors. I would also suggest finding an editor who would check the plot and character development, spelling and word usage, punctuation and flow.

Thank you for going into such detail about the opportunity for improvements. I did go over it a few times and thought that I had caught all the feminine pronouns attached to males. I've got them fixed and will resubmit the edited version once I figure out how to do that. The only excuse I have is that it is hard to break decades of conditioning and the feminine pronouns come out automatically when referring to people who are wearing skirts and dresses. It appears that even I will need a lot more reconditioning and I will work hard at not making the same errors again.

I'm sure that there are punctuation errors as well but the thing that I'm not sure of is what my errors in the spelling and definition of the words that I used. A few examples of those would be a great help in knowing what to look for.

I've been told quite a few times in my quarterly and yearly performance reviews at work that I take coaching well. Thank you again for giving me a hand. - Donna

 

[DonnaCarter]

1. The he/she thing is clearly a deliberate part of the story.

I really do appreciate your help and support. In a few paragraphs I did write "she" where I should have written "he". Looks I need a little training too.

 

[Tigersman]

Thank you for going into such detail about the opportunity for improvements. I did go over it a few times and thought that I had caught all the feminine pronouns attached to males. I've got them fixed and will resubmit the edited version once I figure out how to do that. The only excuse I have is that it is hard to break decades of conditioning and the feminine pronouns come out automatically when referring to people who are wearing skirts and dresses. It appears that even I will need a lot more reconditioning and I will work hard at not making the same errors again.

I'm sure that there are punctuation errors as well but the thing that I'm not sure of is what my errors in the spelling and definition of the words that I used. A few examples of those would be a great help in knowing what to look for.

I've been told quite a few times in my quarterly and yearly performance reviews at work that I take coaching well. Thank you again for giving me a hand. - Donna

To resubmit your story after you have made changes just add "edited" after the title and submit again. Lit will pull the first version and replace it with the edited version.

You need to turn your private messages on.

 

[DonnaCarter]

To resubmit your story after you have made changes just add "edited" after the title and submit again. Lit will pull the first version and replace it with the edited version.

You need to turn your private messages on.

You are so helpful...messages turned on. Thank you for helping me get all of this figured out. - Donna

 

[ShyTammy]

Hi Donna,

I really love this start to the story. To me it reads like "The Handmaids Tale" in the dystopian gender views. I really like that the class is quasi compulsory, like the old finishing schools.

I totally agree with the earlier comment that you should start first line with the quote from the guy behind Robert / Kitten. This story has so much potential, I really love it and hope you continue.

 

[ShyTammy]

Another idea that occurred to me is you could have reinforcing propaganda / motivational posters in the background, like "The harder he works, the cuter he is" with a man on his knees scrubbing the floor in a skirt. "A clean home is a happy home" or "The way to her heart is through good healthy cooking" that kind of thing.

Would love for you to filter in little ominous hints about how this world came to be.

 

[DonnaCarter]

Another idea that occurred to me is you could have reinforcing propaganda / motivational posters in the background, like "The harder he works, the cuter he is" with a man on his knees scrubbing the floor in a skirt. "A clean home is a happy home" or "The way to her heart is through good healthy cooking" that kind of thing.

Those are terrific suggestions Tammy. I will definitely use them and thank you for the help!

Would love for you to filter in little ominous hints about how this world came to be.

That is something that will be coming along very soon, once I have rewritten some of Chapter 1 and finished Chapter 2.